Hello all,
I feel like my boyfriend and I are heading for the cliff-edge at break-neck speed. Need help and can't figure out how to find a GOOD couples therapist. I've interviewed a handful of them on the phone and in person and they all seem wishy washy, vague, non committal about what therapy methodology they will use, what their success rate is, etc.
Does anyone KNOW of a great therapist in the bay area, whom you can recommend?
Does anyone know HOW to find a great therapist? What questions to ask, what criteria to use?
I'm so scared. Don't even know what I'm scared of most - losing my wonderful and infuriating man or spending the rest of my life with him. Both seem heart- and spirit-breaking options at this point.
Please help me if you can.
A.
In a relationship with a man since 8/08. Exclusive since 12/09. He has been talking marriage since February already and I just can't go along with it before we work out some of our horrendously dramatic points of disagreement. Him being lazy, me needing appreciation, him flirting with others, me being distrustful, and on and on.
I've never been with a man whom I feel "at home" with, like I do with him. He's a fighter, I'm not, so it's not that I recognize this dynamic and that's why I feel at home. Our fights leave me wounded and bloody (metaphorically speaking) and I hate it. I hate him yelling and I hate arguing. We don't fight all the time, maybe once a week. but when we do, it's a rumbler and I can't sign up for that for life. Need help from a professional to find out if this is changeable or if i should just leave.
Thank you, EVeryone who sent me referrals to therapists you've tried, heard of, and know.
I've contacted almost all of them and have several appointments for a meet-and-greet with all of them to find the best one for us. Mainly to find one my boyfriend likes because I really, really want him to open up and share as well as open up and receive information from this person.
So, million thanks again to all of you. I KNOW this will work. We FEEL too much love to not make an effort to ACT lovingly to each other as well !
Love you all too !
A.
I have found Ellyn Bader, PhD in Menlo Park at the Couples Institute very helpful.
A little about me: Married 21 years to wonderful if exasperating man. Two kids, a 19yo boy and a 12 yo girl.
Practicing child psychiatrist for 15 years.
Hello A.: Let me start with saying that my husband and I were together 40 years when he passed away. Yes, we went to the prom together!
Was it perfect? Never! but I would change very little about those years. At his services I said that D. and I fought well and loved well, he hated that I 'd interupt his sentences, and neither ever had to win, only respect our agreement to disagree. Even after his being gone 2 years he makes my heart leap from our life together. That said.... I wanted to show you how it can be done.
You my dear need to get the council. Not just as a couple. If you think things are going to change just because you got married you are in for a true taste of reality. This is not a TV show but your life.
No person, that is a decent councilor, will ever give you a time frame of how long it will take, what they absolutly will do or anything else-- there are just to many variables.
For example: My husband NEVER saw or heard his parents fight, amazing as they have been together 65 years. They did it in private when alone. ON MY SIDE... my dads been married 5 x's and was a bully, and abusive when being a bully didn't work anymore. I can say that my mother just gave up, the smartest thing she ever did was dump him. She still hasn't recovered and its been 45 years since they parted. 2 different worlds. A therepist should have had a hayday with that & still never figured it out. So how do you expect unrealisticly for someone to give you a firm answer over the phone or in a 5 minuet conversation until they have pealed back the levals??? why he needs to be like he is and you chosing to be the victim/hero.
If this man has the need to fight once aweek, and as you say it gets bad then talk to any police officer and they will tell you what they see everyday out in the field and about the women that protect the monster that will verbally and physically abusive. The Lord says the meek will inherit the earth, but no where does he say you need to be a door mat and get stepped on. You, need to ask yourself why you aren't trusting yourself -- you are asking the question to stay- go- and it is you that has to live with the decision/consequences to accept that if you stay anything will and can happen, or if you go you can get help and make sure you aren't in this situation again. I just have to tell you that I have a family member that really thought she would make the difference in the man she "loved" for some reason she thought she had the power to make the person change-- he didn't and when we got her out of there she had been beaten and thought she deserved it -- why? because he had told her so many times- if she only did x y or z. People only change because they want to. Again talk to any police officer and they will tell you.
God Be With you, Nana G
Have you considered a Pastor?
F.
First of all...do you have kids? I find it odd that there is no mention of kids on a mother's resource forum.
If you don't have kids you may want to take a step back and rethink this relationship. Read your own statements. You seem to have more negatives than positives in this relationship. I would definitely not marry him until you work through this.
If you DO have kids you REALLY need to think about this! It sounds to me like there is some maturing that needs to go on in this relationship. I have a simple formula for long lasting relationships; Friendship, Respect, Trust. If you are missing any of those three you are in for a rocky road! No good relationship can last without them. It does not mean that you can't work towards it but it does mean a hefty effort.
Read, talk, grow together. There are wonderful books that can help in your understanding of relationships but you BOTH have to be willing to work on it. If you can't then maybe it is time to move on.
http://www.amazon.com/Four-Seasons-Marriage-Gary-Chapman/...
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...
http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/B00...
IF you have an issue with any of these books that is something to really think about too...
Hi A.,
I have not been a client of the person that I am recommending to you, but I have been a student in his classes and observed him working with couples. Ron Fisher (MFT) uses the Hakomi method which will allow you and your partner to explore your feelings in a non-violent way. Rob is a very gentle and kind person and the Hakomi modality is powerful in helping resolve issues. He is renowned in the field for his work in couple's therapy and I would recommend that you contact him to see if this would be a good fit for you.
http://www.therapistfinder.com/TherapistDetail.cfm?id=024868
Wishing you all the best in your situation and kudos to you for making the right moves to get what you need.
S.
