Kind of Silly ?? - Let It Go or Say Something? What Would You Do?

Eh, throughout his life, rules will be different wherever he goes, Grandma's house, school, etc.

But what YOU do is the thing that will shape him the most, and sounds like you're doin' a great job.

Grandmas aren't the boss, it's a different relationship. What you expect of him at home is the thing that will stay with him.

If he'd done this to his DAD, well then, he'd be workin' the system, you know?

:)

If it was me I would talk to him about it. Sneaking around like that is just as bad as lying in my opinion. I wouldn't punish him for it or anything, but just point out that you don't think it is acceptable for him to manipulate his grandmother that way. It puts her in a bad position because she's not following the rules, but she doesn't know it and it's not fair for him to do that to her.

I would talk to him. Just to show him that mom's know all and that sneaking around the system is not a good thing to do.

Well, he made the deal with YOU.
Not his Grandma.
Technically, Grandma was not told about this, and your son was not told, that he got no ice cream, no matter where it was from or from whom.

Well, he wasnt on your watch... so ya probably ought to let it go. Since the instructions werent already laid out to your mom, it's really only the fair choice. He still knows he cant ask YOU for any this week :)

I would talk to him. He is old enough to know better, and he went against your wishes and asked Grandma, and of course she said yes, cause thats what Grandmas are there for lol. But still, you need to follow through and talk to him, cause if you dont he will continue doing this. Its a small thing yes, but he needs to know how you feel.

I'd mention that you know, just so he doesn't get in the habit of playing one adult against another. I wouldn't punish him further for a first offense, because he may have thought GM's house was in a time warp or something, but warn him this must not happen again.

I must say I feel a bit sad for the little guy. I'd be in real distress if I had one of my few allowable treats denied me for a whole week. The consequences that usually make the biggest impact are closely related to the misbehavior, and I can't imagine what one would have to do to have ice cream taken away!

I say talk to him because he needs to be "caught" when he is disobedient in little things so that he won't think he can get away with bigger things later.

I didn't see anyone else suggest allowance as a solution. Here is what I propose to you - give him an allowance weekly. You can choose how much you want to give, based on years of age. I give a quarter for every year, so my seven y.o. son gets $1.75 per week and my 5 y.o. daughter gets $1.25 per week. I've seen up to $1 per year, but I'm not that loaded! Not only does this teach them about money and how to deal with it at a young age (see this link http://www.kidsmoney.org/allart.htm#Fea1 )
but it can also be used as a consequence.

For example: son doesn't feel like setting the table, which is one of his chores. I say "son, if you don't feel like setting the table today, I'm sure your sister would love to have the quarter that you will not be earning this week by setting the table for you". See how fast he jumps. If he doesn't do it, fine, he just gets less money at the end of the week. No yelling, issues, arguing. Then when he wants to buy that ice cream and he has no money in his wallet (which you must get for him to keep his special allowance!) he can't buy his ice cream. If there is no sibling - just hold back the quarter and say 'that's ok, mommy will keep the quarter and do something nice for herself with it'.

Be diligent about paying or they will always think you are bluffing. Keep track of everytime you take away money and don't make an issue out of it at paying time. If he only gets one quarter, gently ask him if he remembers why he didn't get the full allowance this week. No harping or lecturing. He'll remember, he's 6. They are smarter than you think (obviously - since he fooled you by using grandma for ice cream! ... sneaky little guy!).

Another example: Son is running around the house crazy yelling, doing something destructive, whatever. You say 'son, you can choose to continue (insert bad behavior here) but if you do, I promise I will take one quarter out of your allowance this week'. Again, no fighting.

Give your child the power of making a choice for himself. Watch the magic happen!!!!!!!!

I agree with ReverandRuby as well. Denying treats/food as a consequence is a BAD idea.

Awwwww. I know he lied. I know. It's not right. He shouldn't have. Oh no.

But, it's ice cream. Let's be real here gals, how many of you have lied about ice cream before?? I know I did as a kid and, I'll admit, I have lied about eating it as an adult. I remember sneaking change out of my parents room when I heard Mr. Softie singing his song.

It's ice cream!!!!

When I was teaching I learned that there were just some things that you should let kids get away with. Kids can feel so powerless. Sometimes, you have to just let them win. We, as parents don't always have to even when we know we are right.

If he lied about something more serious I would say go for it, but tricking Grandma into it?? Bright kid.

I know you are bothered about the lie and the sneakiness, but I would say let it go.

Tomorrow night give him a bowl of ice cream as a special treat and let him sweat it out a little. You know he will feel kind of guilty about asking Grandma for it and might actually admit what he did. And if he doesn't it's OK.

It's just ice cream. Great....now I want ice cream.

Peace.

First -- I secretly love it when little kids gets crafty with the rules. They are smart and devious little charmers.

I think it is best to follow up with kids on things like this. They are responsible for "living the consequences". What...? Do we only obey speed limits when we see a cop? Do we only play nice when mommy is in the room? Do we jump off a bridge cuz our BFF did? Or do we follow the rules and accept consequences regardless of whether or not they can be enforced?

I would use this opportunity not to re-punish but to talk about choosing to do the right thing even when give the opportunity to "cheat". Today it is gramma offering ice cream. In 10 years it is a friend offering a joint.

i don't think it's the end of the world if you let it go this one time - hoping that in the future you will remember to communicate house rules to grandma, though!

I would talk to him b/c I'm sure by what you've typed that he already knows what he did, he just thinks he got away w/it b/c you didn't say anything. Being a parent is hard but as a parent, you hafta stick to what you say in the first place. I'm sure that next time you'll mention it to grandma abt no dessert & as you had written, you realized your mistake in not mentioning it to her that time but the difference is, your son did know & he needs to know there's consequences no matter who he's staying with if he doesn't follow the rules. Just b/c he was at grandma's house, doesn't mean the rules didn't apply. You can always implement his punishment by taking away his ice cream or dessert twice in a row b/c of it & just explain to him 'why'...it's b/c he asked for dessert at grandmas knowing he wasn't supposed to have any. I think if I were watching a child for someone, I'd ask the child if their mom/dad said they could have some then I'd check w/mom or dad before giving it if at all possible. Hope this helps, good luck!

I think if he's old enough to "play the system", he's old enough to have you address it with him, whether in a disciplinary way or not. It doesn't hurt kids to know that word can get back to mom - or in the big picture, that your actions and choices can "follow" you.

I think grandma should talk to him. in confidence. as if you do not know. she should explain that she found out about the ban on ice cream. and as he is so very young and he doesnt have the experience yet to know this, she wants him to know that it was wrong and why. and that this is between the two of them. it's a good learning experience and a good way to strengthen the bond between grandma and grandchild. good luck!

I would tell him that you are starting the punishment over 1 week from today! Write it down on the calendar so he can see when his punishment is up.

My daughter loves dessert. Losing it is often a very effective consequence. When she loses dessert, I always am sure to tell my mother, because my daughter is similarly sneaky.

I would talk to your son about it, saying that he knew he lost ice cream but tried to get around it with grandma. Explain what it means to be "dishonest." I would tell him that he's not in more trouble this time, but next time he tries to get out of being in trouble, he doubles the punishment (so if he had lost dessert for 2 days, if he "cheats" he loses dessert for 4 days).

I think that knowing that you're disappointed in him would be a pretty effective deterent at this point in his life. But good to nip sneaky behavior in the bud.

I think I would address it by saying something along the lines of "We need to be clear that consequences given here in our home apply at Grandma's too. I'm sure you weren't aware that the no ice cream restriction included Grandma's house as well, so I'm going to let it slide this once. However, in the future if we've restricted ice cream and find out you've asked Grandma or anyone else for it then the time frame of restriction starts all over again." That way he knows he didn't sneak one past you and that the adults in his life communicate and are a united front...no divide and conquer here :) You're doing a wonderful job Momma!

Part of OUR household rules is that when kiddo "sneaks" the time gets doubled. DITTO if you do something to get *someone else* in trouble, you get in far more trouble than if you'd done it yourself.

In our house, we do have a very strong "no running to mom when dad already said no" rule. There would be hell to pay if one of our kids did this! Honestly I'm surprised you're 50/50 on whether to talk to him - he did something manipulative. I'm sure he's a great kid most of the time but this is NOT a habit you want him to form. Sure, it's a bowl of ice cream now, but when he's 15, it could be going to someone's house that you don't approve of, or smoking, or drinking... the point is, it may seem kind of cute that he was manipulative and got a bowl of ice cream, but you had already forbidden him to have it this week, he knew he was being punished, and he went around you to get what he wanted. I would most certainly punish him. Maybe it's another week of no ice cream. Maybe he goes to bed an hour early every night this week. I don't know - you know your kid best, but don't put blinders on when he does something sneaky and manipulative unless that's the behavior you want to encourage. Just my two cents!

I have found the my son will tell on himself sometimes. You might want to ask him about his day, did he do anything fun, what did they eat, etc. to see if he fesses up. That would tell you a lot about where he is on this sneaking issue. The most important thing, in my mind, is that you all talk about it and that he understand that it wasn't ok, he didn't "get away" with anything and that it's still disobedient. I know it's just ice cream, but i don't think i'd totally let it go. If the standard is a day without ice cream, maybe extend it to the next day since he never actually had to suffer the punishment. Maybe let him have input as to what the punishment should be...

Wow, people were offended by RR?? I think the worst answer here is from Pamela - those are some serious control issues going on in that home....over what..ice cream?

Theresa N nailed it IMHO.

My 2 cents: it's hard to enforce rules made at home when the child goes somewhere else, even at a grandparents. Be glad that you have a loving, supportive and involved parent who willing takes and loves your child. I would never expect my rules and restrictions to follow the child around, especially at such a young age. There mind is only in the here and now, and I doubt he even remembered the restriction when he was Gram's. And if he did, probably couldn't figure out if it applied there too??

I don't think it will be life altering either way.. I see your dilema though.. I personally would probably ignore it.. but if I was compelled to say something I would just maybe let him know that when he has a restriction it applies to everything/everywhere for that time period.. but, that is kinda more on you than him.. (you should have told Grandma). IMO:)

People were offended by Reverend Ruby? Wow, I dont see why. I agree to not usuing food as a reward and have been guilty of it myself, on both ends. Food becomes a comfort for many of us and looking back at times it start in childhood. We associate feeling good with food and of course can lead to eating disorders, obesity etc.

I would probably tell him what you told us. That your not mad, but you heard he asked grandma for icecream, and take the convo from there...just to open the lines of communication.
As a kid I was able to "make my case," to my parents. If I was in your son's shoes today and wanted icecream, I would have to ask my parents again and talk about it.....Why did I derseve a treat, what did I do wrong in the first place, etc etc etc. They didn't always say yes of course, but it sort of made me think....why did I deserve the treat...rather then just "wanting" it. =) They especially said no when I forgot what I did wrong in the first place! LOL.
Whatever you decide to do good luck!

The next time "Little Cute" is being punished and is at Gran's and he asks for ice cream-knowing he should not get some-ask Gran to say "Mommy says no"! He will know that you are on to him!

Only becaue you posted again did I come to see what the fuss was about.

I would have Grandma back you up and tell him that it was not OK to ask her for icecream when he new he wasn't supposed to have any.

I think all kids do this. The sooner they learn that the adults are on the same page the better. So now just remember to tell Grandma that he is on punishment.

This time I'd let it go. Next time he has some consequences, make sure you inform Grandma before dropping him off with her so you are on the same page. If he tries again, Grandma will gently remind him Mom and Dad have said no this time, so it would not be right for Grandma to say yes. Kids do try to get away with a little more with grandparents. Big picture, it's not such an awful thing. My girls talked Grandma and Grandpa into taking them to the 6th Harry Potter movie while they were staying with them while DH and I got to take a short no-kids vacation. Our rule has always been they have to read the books first, our kids know this, but I didn't go ballistic when I found out G&G took them (our youngest hadn't read the book yet). I just had to remember how grateful I was they watched the kids for us, and the big picture was that some things are special grandparent privileges.

J.,
If I was in your shoes...I would talk to him...THIS time. Then you'll know he knows...for sure.

Also, this might be the time to reveal the "eyes in the back of the head" that all omniscient moms have. :)

AND, I would have to give him a 95% for thinking outside the box!

I would just say "I know you asked MomMom for icecream and since she didn't know you weren't supposed to have it she gave you some. You aren't in trouble this time but next time you ask someone for something I have already told you know about, you will be in trouble...and next time MomMom will know". Then let it go altogether.

boy you have a lot of good answers....i would either sit down with him and just talk to him about what he did wrong and why it was wrong or have your mom sit down with him and what he did was wrong. sometimes jsut talking to a child and letting them know how you feel is punishment enough!

I'd talk o him. There are foods, drinks, tv shows, etc that are not aloud in our home and my kids could ask for them and my parents not knowing would give them the okay but even my 3 (almost 4) yr old knows what we do and don't allow and will tell whoever is watching him that the tv needs to go off, that he can't have a certain food, etc

If it were me I would add an extra chore, early bedtime, etc because at 5 he knew exactly what he was doing

I personally would say something to him. My kids try to do stuff like that all the time. And from now on if he's not supposed to have something be sure and let your mom know when she's going to be watching him. My kids always try to get away with stuff when they are with Nanna, even when I am there. They learn to manipulate the situatation and if he thinks he's gotten away with it he very well could try it again.

Good luck and God bless!

Personally- if my 5 y/o had done that, which she has, but was under 5 years old - I would double the punishment. He's old enough to know what he did was wrong and he should be punished for it in the way in which he lied. No ice cream for TWO weeks and no to 2 playdates.

Very simple solution: He blatantly went behind your back and broke the punishment. This is no different from an older child sneaking out when they are house grounding or asking Dad after Mom already said "No". Simply sit him down and tell him that since he broke the punishment of his grounding it will now be extended for "xyz" amount of time.

D.
(Mom of three: 21,20, and 7)

I think its a good idea to let him know he can't pull one over on his mom. Casually mention his ice cream restrictions are still on and make him wait, one more day, week or what ever the restriction was meant to be plus a little.

I remember doing this with my grandparents and my grandpa, who would know of our consequences, helped us get away with it every time. It was like a special "secrets from mom" club, even though it wasn't a secret at all. When my mom got REALLY mad, we were grounded from grandpa. Now THAT was a punishment.

If it were me, I would mention that I wasn't best pleased with his choice to sucker grandma into ice cream and give him an extra chore or two as a consequence. With my sons, when my mom used to allow electronics time to which they were not entitled, I accepted it and dished up more consequences when they were back with me. Everyone knew the rules, how to break them and the consequence would catch up with them in the end. What goes around, comes around!

Good luck!

I think I would at least mention it. Something kind of casual and non-confrontational, like "I'm really disappointed you asked grandma for ice cream when you knew you had lost the priviledge. The rules apply no matter who you are with." That way he knows you know and he didn't really get away with it. Kids so easily get into the habit of going from the parent who said no to the other (or a grandparent) who will say yes, so you want to not let it get any farther.
But you don't need to make a big deal. Ask him "what do you think should happen?" and maybe suggest no ice cream tomorrow instead. Or something reasonable.

Nah, let it go. Be glad your son has a little spunk.

My opinion is just let him know you know and you're not mad, it was you who gave the punishment, not his grandma. He does not need to have a secret from you. Just let him know that you know. I don't think you need to punish him for it or anything. I always try and keep my kids honest. If I catch them sneaking a cookie or something, I say I am not mad, you can have cookies, just please don't be sneaky, mommy will let you have treats. Just maybe not at 8 am when you just woke up! :-) But I like to try and set the standard for total open honesty. My girls are little - 3 and 4 and I know as they get older they will have secrets. I'm trying to keep our relationship as close as I can! You sound like a good mom :-)

This is a thing to discuss when the day is over and he's getting ready for bed. I think it's always a good ting to go to bed with a clear conscience. If you follow any kind of religious beliefs, clearing your conscience, confessing your wrongs is included in most. It's important for your son to acknowledge when he's done wrong - and this sneaky ice cream thing with grandma was wrong. He's smart and he knew how to get around the consequence that you, as his mom, established.

As you're preparing for bed tell him that you heard from grandma that he had asked for ice cream. Tell him that kind of surprised you becuase you thought he understood that he wasn't to have ice cream for a week. He's smart so he'll think fast and say something like "I thought that was just at our house..." or something like that. He didn't think that for a minute - but he knows how to throw you off. Kids will unconsciously work with whatever they have to. He's not plotting against you - he just wants ice cream and has figured out a way around your rules.

Ask him if he thought it was the right thing to do, or not. Acknowledge that you understand WHY he asked grandma - but tell him that it just wasn't the right thing to do. Tell him that you know that in the future that he will respect the rules that you've set up. Ask him what does he think you should do regarding this ice cream cheat? Sometimes kids are more strict than their parents...! At the least I'd add this day on to the back end of the week - since he had ice cream - but see what he has to say.

This is more about establishing that you're the boss of him than it is about a small bowl of ice cream. And as it relates to "never punish for food" - ice cream is a treat, like candy - so I think it's perfectly appropriate to use it as a consequence.

This parenting stuff is tough - but I can assure you - if you set appropriate guidelines at this age and do it consistently the teen years will be less bumpy (I don't think they are EVER smooth...!)

Good luck mama.