If your child was honest about misbehaving when you were not around, would you give them a consequence still, a modified one or none at all and be thankful that they were honest? I’m not referring to when they are in school but like in the care of another adult or cousin etc. Also, I’m not referring to real BAD behavior….
For example, my sweet little 4 year old for the most part is VERY well behaved, listens great and stuff. He gets a time out for consequences or something taken away. I rarely have problems with him though. However, I have been in a situation with him where he just honestly tells me if he misbehaved when he is with someone else or admits when he is with grandma, he doesn’t always listen and will even tell me the situation in which he didn’t listen. Now I’m talking stuff like not listening or NOT doing as he was told. Nothing real bad or major.
For the most part, I will talk to him about it, ask why and give him a little talk BUT also commend him for being honest. Being that problems with him are so few and far between I don’t stress too much.
Here is what happened: Yesterday he admitted that when his older cousins (13 and older; oldest 17) took him to go get ice cream from a concession stand at the beach, that he didn’t hold her hand the entire time. He said “I ran around for a minute”. I had stressed to him that he HAD to hold her hand the ENTIRE time otherwise he could not go with her. I lectured him, he said he was sorry and I left it at that and let the kids enjoy their ice cream. My sister didn’t agree and said I should have taken the ice cream away.
Would you have given a consequence for that? How we you handle this? I know we all have different parenting styles but I’m just curious … =-)
TIA & Happy Monday!
Thank you wonderful Mommas for responding to my post! Seems that a couple of you would have done it differently but for the most part I can see you agree with how I handled it. I like the reasons you all gave for WHY I handled it right. Thank you.
Neither is right or wrong obviously, just the way we parent. Some of you even commented that maybe the cousin didn't enforce the hand holding, but after my son confessed, I asked him what actually happened. He said my son had only let go of his hand for a second, but he immediately told him he had to hold hands and my son quickly complied.
Also for those who commented on the “Safety Issues”, the concession stand was literally about a 100 feet away from us at the beach and NOWHERE near a street. All they did was cross the sand onto the boardwalk =-)
I think you are doing the right thing. Stress that it is important for him to be safe and hold his cousins hand. Kids love to be in control but they also want to know that mommy cares. My son is 6 and his face just beams when he thinks he is helping or if I am taking special care of him. I would say that if you punish him then he will quit telling you.
I think what you did was fine. This is a teachable moment where you can say, "Thank you for being honest with me about what you did. Did you know that I ask you to hold her hand so you can be safe?" I don't think taking the ice cream would have done anything but teach him that if he had kept his mouth shut he wouldn't have gotten in trouble. Reward the honesty and explain why the behavior is wrong. If he's at Grandma's and misbehaves maybe you could help him write an apology note or have him call her and tell her he's sorry. Fessing up and making it right builds character. Fessing up and never owning up might be a little too easy.
Good luck and good job!
Christi :)
My 4.5yo grandson sounds much like your son, sweet, well-behaved, and surprisingly honest. I think the honesty comes in part because he does get appreciation for it, and consequences are saved for repeated infractions.
Put yourself in your son's shoes: taking away the ice cream would have seemed arbitrary and unfair, because it would have been a new "rule" imposed AFTER he had had his few moments of childish joy. And who's to say the cousin didn't participate by letting go of his hand because she wanted her own hand free for a moment? If you had warned him beforehand that he could lose his ice cream by letting go, that would be a different situation.
With my grandson and kids I work with in my religious community, I'm using the thoughtful techniques outlined in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...)
The authors demonstrate how to help children communicate, think through and participate in finding workable solutions to every possible situation. This approach helps them gradually learn to act from their own internalized wisdom and authority, which is a wonderful thing as they become more independent.
I love this process, and am frequently charmed and delighted by the original, and appropriate, solutions my grandson finds. He's also far more likely to remember a situation and apply it in the future. If he were to tell me that he had let go and run around for a minute, I would have looked him in the face and asked, "Will you tell me why I wanted you to hold hands the entire time?"
I'll bet he would have given me much of the lecture you gave your son. And then he would have explained to me that he had taken my worries into account, and how he had made sure he was safe.
I think you handled it right! It is far more important to me to get children to be honest. Now if it was something like he admitted to saying something mean I would add in that he would have to make an appology.
I believe in ARM - admit, rectify the situation & move on. In this case there was really nothing to rectify.
(I'd also be a little curious if the older cousin didn't require him to hold her hand the entire time)
When you do something wrong, do you give yourself a consequence? For example, if you don't do the dishes, do you not let yourself watch TV that night, or do you sit in a corner for 20 minutes and think about what you did?
My role as a parent is to teach my children how to be self-sufficient as an adult. The important thing is teaching safety, not punishing for an infringement.
You could also think of it this way, if your son learns that you will punish him when he talks to you about something he shouldn't have done, he will not come to you when he is older. This means that he will not benefit from your years of experience with life, and with him. Instead, he will go to his peers, who are as inexperienced as him, for his advice and guidance.
Sometimes it's more important to look at the big picture - helping your son learn good habits and decision making skills, instead of focusing on the individual issue - what to do because he broke a rule. Taking the time to kindly (not lecturey -- I totally tune out when someone is doing that) help him think through why it's important to do something a certain way and what could happen if something went wrong is, IMHO, much better time spent than giving a timeout.
I think you handled it perfectly! If you punish him for being honest with you, he will learn to not tell you things in the future. If it was something major, like willful defiance, then, yes, a punishment is necessary. But that was no big deal and you used it as a teaching moment. Good Mommy!
I think you did great...I would have thanked him for being honest and given him a hug after explaining why the need for the hand holding and your expectation for him to follow the rules next time.(which it sounds like you did) Perhaps...if this was the first time...you give him a warning of the consequence should he make that choice again. If this is a recurring behaviour...then I'd say it's a different story... It sounds like he's a good kid who will be testing the limits as they all do...but has regard for trying to do the right thing at his young age....all kids are different...trust your instincts as the good mom that you are! (if he's starting to 'play' you..you'll know..and different take can taken then!)
You do know best...and your sister's kids are different from yours....parenting I have found, is definitely not a one size fits all by any means....I have different styles for each of my 3 kids .... they keep us challenged!! Best of luck!
I think you did the right thing.
If I had my child at the ice cream store, and they misbehaved in a way that you described, that would end in a lecture, not in having his ice cream taken away.
Losing a treat in our house is reserved for a larger transgression like hitting, back talk, or real naughty behavior... running around for a minute is kid behavior IMO.
You are doing a great job.
jessica
You did great! The way we know this is, because he respects you enough to tell you the truth!
When our parents divorce and it was just the 3 of us.. Our mom made an agreement with my sister and I when we were young. "I will not get mad you, if you tell me the truth!"
She added "I know that you know what is right, what the rules are and I expect you to follow them." "I may be disappointed or my feelings may be hurt, but the truth is more important."
Our father had been a screamer and spanker to the point it was scary. This was a great way to set the new tone for our home. We never wanted to disappoint our mother, God forbid hurt her feelings, so this worked great for us..
Children test themselves, us and others. That is how they learn.
Next time when he goes with someone, ask him, "how are you going to behave?" Or "what are the rules for going to get ice cream with cousin?"
He will repeat them to you or he can say "I do not remember and you can remind him..
Since this is the first time he did this, I would as you did talk to him and lecture him about it. You can also not let him go next time they go get icecream, and let them bring him some. Or you could just let him go and test him to see if he does it again.
He needs to learn that there are consequences to our actions, but you handled it well. And if he misbehaves while you are not there, make sure you let him know that although you appreciate his honesty and that he is better off telling you the truth at all times no matter how ugly the truth may be, you will eventually find out the truth and then he'll be in hot waters for not telling you the truth and doing what he did wrong.
You might think he is too young to tell him all that, but he is not. Trust me, they learn quick.
:)
I would have let it slide this one time, like you did. If he does it again, however, there should definitely be a consequence, even if he's honest with you. It's a fine line. Kinda like how we teach our kids to say "please" when they're little, then they think that just because they said "please" they should get whatever it is they want. We're happy they've learned "please" but now they have to learn that "please" does not necessarily result in them having their way. Your son has learned to be honest with you and that's wonderful, but he now has to learn that just because he tells you the truth doesn't mean he won't get in trouble if he's done something wrong. Good luck!
I think that with kids that age, consequences don't mean as much if that don't happen right in the moment. It's hard for them to relate the consequence to the negative action, even if you're discussing it at the time.
I think the better thing to do is praise him for his honesty, but stress that rules need to be followed even when you are not there to enforce them. Explain WHY it's unsafe to let go of her hand (or whatever the bad behavior was) and give a warning. Tell him if he does it again, he will lose the privilege of being allowed to go with the older cousins/grandma/etc in the future.
I had a situation where I was cleaning house and was in a room away from my then 4 yr old son. He turned on the stove burner and it lit a bag of pretzels on fire. He immediately ran to get me and I quickly put the fire out. Now, I know I probably SHOULD have offered up some sort of discipline, but he was so freaked out by the whole thing (and of course so was momma) and I was just so grateful that he didn't hesitate to come and get me that I just had a very calm conversation about not touching the stove because it was SO dangerous. I thought that by punishing him in ANY way would only make him more likely to NOT tell me if something that serious ever happened again. I even explained to him that the reason he wasn't getting in trouble is because he was honest about what happened and came and got me immediately.
I think you handled it just fine. My #1 rule is "Always tell the truth". My kids know that if they are honest about something they do not get into trouble...they always get a "talk" about what happened but no further consequences are given. Honesty is very important to me and this is a choice that I have made in my personal parenting style...and so far, knock on some wood, it has proven to be very beneficial now that most my boys are teenagers...and we have entered into the world of more freedom...and girls!!!:) It has worked wonders on keeping the lines of communication open!
I started my mantra of "The truth will set you free" from the very beginning with all my kids (nephews included)...be prepared to stick to your end of the bargain if you plan on making this a permanent rule... be warned sometimes it gets hard!! When my now 15 yr. old SS was @ 5 he confessed to sticking about a gazillion stickers all over his brand new bunk bed...I was so upset at him at the time but I stuck with it and he only got a "talk" and a "thank you for being honest"...cut to present day, 10 years later, this is the same kid that came to me a couple months ago and confessed to sneaking out of his Mom's house to go see a girl and to sneaking into her bedroom, he had no reason to confess, his mom didn't even know yet! My DH (his father) gave him a nice talking to about the dangers of sneaking into someone else's house...like getting shot because some girls dad thinks there is an intruder in his daughters room! SS listened and then agreed that it was pretty stupid and dangerous and promised he won't be making that choice again! Of course we informed SS that he should be honest with his Mom as well....she never had the "honesty always" policy, like we do...and she grounded him from everything and got him a babysitter for after school!! Somehow I'm thinking that SS might think twice about telling his mom the truth next time...if there ever is a next time....which hopefully there wont be, that lil' punk:)!
I'll be different here...I actually agree with your sister- though I wouldn't have had the heart to take the ice cream away!
It sounds more to me like he is testing you, rather than admitting to doing something wrong. "I did something wrong, what are you going to do about it..." In this example he did exactly what you specifically told him not to do. Additionally, he confessed, knowing that you could have asked the cousin and gotten the truth. He is just smart enough to tell you before someone else does.
I know I am in the minority, but thought I would just give a different perspective :)
Open communication is awesome, so is lecturing, and it sounds great you do what you do, and that he is so willing to talk to you about it.
But sometimes, kids need something taken away or a time-out for a short period of time to help them remember for next time. Otherwise, he will feel like talking about it is his only way out and he really doesn't suffer any consequences for his behavior.
Obviously, most of his behavior is mild, but there still needs consequences for some things (not all of course). As for him not holding the 13 year olds hand, that also is a respect issue and really does need more than a talk, especially in a public place like a beach where anything can happen.
Not holding a hand and running around is a safety issue. Yes, it's great that he told you about it, but you don't want to send the message that it was OK since he told you about it. I would say, "You did something that was not safe so your consequence is ___.... But I want to thank you for telling me about it. If you hadn't told me and I found out anyway from your cousins, or if you had lied about it, then your consequence would be ___ AND ___"
Hi V. S. Children need to be praised for their honesty, but they need discipline for misbehaving. I see on mamasourse parents today are quick to punish but not discipline. I'm not sure with the way the world is today that i would put a 12 year old responsible for my child in public. Running off like he did could result in him being taken, I think you are looking at this as no big deal, this time it wasn't who's to say next time it will be. A lot of kids come clean in fear that who ever was in charge is going to tell on them, so they want to get to the parent first. Your sister was right. J.
