7 Year Old Is Lying - How to Make Sure the Habit Stops

If he is in a cycle of punishment, his behavior is being reinforced by the attention he gets. All behavior that shows up, good and undesirable, is reinforced. When you make the shift, he will also. Try making the candy a reward, he will no longer need to be sneaky, a behavior he has learned and is being reinforced. My daughter is also a sweet addict, she also understands there is no nutritional value to sweets and gives her body nothing but tooth decay and poop. It is also a treat, for special occasions. Reinforcing the facts and positive responses goes a long way.

M.,
Lock up the candy so he can't get to it. A seven year old will sometimes not tell the truth if the punishment is to severe. Taking all of his candy away only makes him want to have it more, and the cycle will continue. Give him some once and a while.

E.

Okay, I read some of the other responses and just had to add my two cents.

Here's my thinking about kids that age and lying...as a teacher, the kids in my first grade class 'lied' about things they 'knew' they weren't 'supposed' to do, but 'knew' they would get attention over.

If you make something like 'candy' a big deal it will be a big deal. Kids thrive on attention, negative or positive. The teethbrushing thing is just one of many things, he 'isn't going to want to do' but it's a part of life and important. The candy thing is more in my opinion because the restriction is there, but he doesn't know why. It tastes good, it makes him happy and yet Mommy says 'it's not okay'. Why???

My best friend since 1st grade was denied ALL sweets as a kids so, when he started school his friends had sweets and candy and treats and he wasn't aware of what it was. At any rate, he started bringing his allowance to school and buying things from other kids lunches and eventually vending machines in middle school. His lunch in 7th grade As a result, he became obese and has had tons of health issues as adult...we weren't even 23 and he had the cholestoral and blood pressure of a 60 year old who had never exercised.

I guess my advice would be to talk to a nutrionist, they have them at most school districts and they can offer tips on how to maintain a healthly diet and even how to discuss food topics with kids. It's tough but, I would do research about what's available and find ways to address this so it isn't such a big deal.

Good Luck.

It seems you've received some great advice on the lying part. My perspective is different. As a child I lied quite a bit. I never felt I could be honest with my parents about things as I was punished without questioning my motives for behavior (and my mom's a psychologist!). I also had problems sneak-eating food. I would suggest you try to understand WHY your child wants to eat the candy, and why he sneak-eats it. Also WHY does he feel the need to lie? Is he afraid of punishment and he'd rather be punished for lying than the behavior? Or is he ashamed of his behavior? I can remember as early as 5 sneak-eating, and it turned into a life-long eating problem that I still struggle with at 42. Nobody ever addressed this with me as a child, even though I was caught many times. I was simply punished. I would strongly suggest that there might be something underlying these behaviors that lying and sneak-eating are only symptoms of.

Don't all kids lie, don't most kids not like brushing their teeth and all love candy, I really doubt you will be able to get him to stop, but you need to find something else that you can punish him with because as you already know the grounding is not working. What about telling him how disappointed you are in him when he lies and giving him a time out make him sit in a corner for 20 minutes. But to tell you the truth all kids lie it is ingrained in them. My niece at that age would blame everything in her imaginary friend Arthur. She has grown out of it. I would not stress too much it is normal unfortunately, now if your child was 12 I would worry. He will grow out of it.

Hi,
Hey, good news, your 7 year old and my 7 year old are apparently long lost twins! My daughter even tried putting a dab of toothpaste in her mouth so her breath would smell like she'd brushed when she hadn't. (Like the fuzzy yellow incisors wouldn't clue me in.) Here's the only tactic I've found that helps significantly:

I don't punish for the infractions as much as I punish for the lie. It's kind of a liar's amnesty (we call it "truth-telling amnesty") - tell me the truth and you get off easier. You even get a cuddle and a handshake for being courageous enough to tell me the truth when you felt nervous about doing it. But lie to me? Watch out.

I gave my daughter a starting phrase to help her get started. "Oh wait, that was a mistake, what I meant to say was..." So she could say, "Oh, actually, that was a mistake... what I MEANT to say was, 'No, I didn't brush my teeth, instead I stole your entire pack of gum and have hidden the chewed up wad under my pillow for tomorrow.'" And while she'll get a consequence, it will be logical and lighter than if she lied-- and she'll also get a cuddle, a handshake and my sincere praise for telling me the whole truth.

Doing this gave her a chance to think better of her reflexive lie and then to replace it with an honest answer. She seemed to like that freedom and before long telling the truth became her new reflexive action.

My fear in starting this was that I'd be doing more damage by allowing my daughter to 'get away' with things. But looking back, I wasn't allowing her to 'get away with it" -- I was retraining her to handle her mistakes more wisely. We all make them, so we may as well learn how to handle the clean-up. I even imagined ridiculous scenarios where my other kids start misbehaving then confessing just to get attention... nothing of the kind has ever happened though.

Literally within two weeks of starting "truth-telling amnesty" she began to straighten out. Things are much better now and (knock wood) I feel like I can trust her to tell me the truth 98% of the time.

Best of luck! :-)

Wow! I don't want to sound mean, but you sound like an outrageously controlling parent. Unless everyone in your family is born perfect and this child is a total anomaly, cut the kid some slack! I have four sons, oldest 26, youngest 9, and I've experienced the teen years x3 so far. I have seen over and over what happens when parents make an issue out of every little thing. The kids rebel BIG TIME during the teen years. You are not doing yourself or your son any favors by being so intimately involved in every detail of his life, by being so controlling. You really need to lighten up and give the kid some privacy and breathing room. If you do not, your extreme parenting WILL backfire on you. I know - when you have a 7 year old, the teen years seem a million miles away. Trust me, they are right around the corner. Ease up on your son now and it will pay off all the days of his life. Keep him under the microscope and you will regret it bitterly. You don't seem to see it, but you are creating and causing the behavior you are now grounding him for, and as long as you keep at it things will only get worse. Look inward, examine your own behavior, and give the poor kid some grace and some space.

My now 10 year old did the same thing at 7. He spent a lot of time NOT watching tv, playing his gameboy, having play dates and such. Steel yourself for your child having no life for a while as he figures it out. As long as you remain consistent, he'll get it eventually.

What really snapped my son out of the lying phase was being accused of a whopper lie by someone other than us (his teacher). When he appealed to us for support, we had none to give since he was a habitual liar. He had to suck up the consequences at school which, for him, were painful. That was the end of lying. He decided having mom and dad (especially mom) believe him was far more important than whatever he got from the lie. It was hard for us, too, but it was a valuable life lesson learned.

Now, my youngster is the most straight arrow, non-lying kid around. He has a well-deserved reputation of being honest to a fault, even if it means he gets in trouble. I'll go to bat for him without hesitation now, and he knows it!

Good luck!

Having raised 3 boys, your punishment is excessive for the crime you think was committed. You are in for a very rough time in five years when your son becomes a teen.
The old adage "don't sweat the small stuff" and "pick your battles" is for you to contemplate..........big time.
These offenses are so minor, I know you don't see it that way, but they are, believe me. Your punishment is very excessive for these offenses.......................What will you do when he really does something bad? Have him live in the garage?
This is small white lies and not "lying" in the large sense of a crime in your household.............You are going to cause him to rebel and hate you. Truly.
Ease off this boy and learn to love him and laugh with him.

This is interesting. I had a situation when I was growing up and it really stuck. I would get spankings if I did something wrong and one time I got into trouble, then lied about it. My mother gave me a small spanking for what I did and esplained what it was for. Then she gave me a really hard spanking and told me that was for lying. I didn't want the hard spankings, so I thought twice before lying.

You could use a different method of punishment and give the harsher one for the lying. Good luck.

Umm taking the TV away movies, playing with friends computer, for just eating candy, and Oh my the brushing of his teeth too, this is all normal kid stuff, so you make him brush his teeth in the kitchen so you can make sure he does, take the candy away then he can't sneak some, but you know what kid doesn't love candy all do, even me and I am 48 yrs old. But to punish him that severe, Gawd wonders what would happen to him if he talks back to you. The lieing ok take the computer away, the candy well problem solved don't give it to him all at once.. put to be punished for it, nawww sounds like your to strick and its going to back fire on you , lighten up.. a kid his age should maybe have no tv for two days thats it.. you can keep grounding him, so far how is that working for you !!

he is still very young and needs guidence, your expecting him to do all of this, he needs to be reminded again again again, just like all kids do his age.

Sounds like a stage, and testing the limits. It is obvious taht your limits are hard as walls so he knows he is not getting away with anything. Relax, he will not grow up to be an antisocial! A :)

Keep small things small and adjust the punishment to fit the crime. Your into him too much and he needs to have some outlet for getting away with what he perceives as a treat. Since you are working at home where is the space for him to let go once in a while? Why not have him in control of an allowance which will be part saved and part spending money. Ice cream at school once a week or trip to store and buy whatever candy he wants and no comments from parents about whether it is good or bad. You know him too well and won't let go of your concerns for his health, teeth, cavities, spoil appitite, or excess calories so he can learn from your advice. I know that isn't easy. Any time you issue a disapline it is the parent who has to be there to follow up on it. That is hard and time consuming, but should only be issued when it is serious. Why don't you talk to him and ask him what he thinks about the situation and what he would do about it. Bring it down to his level without punishment. The boys are smart at this age and can outmaneuver us at times and they really keep us on our toes. He needs more outlets and activities to keep busy since his other enjoyments have been curtailed. Have more friends over. Feed them, know his friends take them bowling or arcade games with his allowance money saved as a reward for his honesty. Don't keep him in his room. For disapline have him do chores. Sweep sidewalk, garage driveway. dishes, polish furniture, wash walls, floor, or vacuumm clean. Might as well get some work out of the child and have something constructive at the same time. When phone is given back to him, tell him he has to wash the cabinets in the kitchen at the same time he is talking. Show him how and you get clean cabinets and he is helping out. With the next lie have him take some money out of his allowance and give to the poor children who have nothing. Teach while he learns. It is very hard on you, I know, but when he is older (19 and up)and he remembers what you did to try to help him it will be worth it, and you will have a son to be proud of.
There is no job as hard as being Mom & Dad. You both learn as you grow. I wish you only success. N.

Not sure how to stop the lying, but maybe let him have candy once a day if he brushes right after. I let my girls have a treat once a day. Don't keep anything around that he can find that he will sneak. I think a week of grounding is too much. I ground my girls for one day and that is enough for them because it's a very boring day with no tv, computer, treats or friends. If the grounding goes on too long, they just get rebellious because life seems hopeless if there's grounding for too long.

Check out Alfie Kohn books/dvds. He helps you understand and work with your son's behavior while understanding where he is in his natural child development. You might not have to use punishment & reward. It really works b/c it helped my teaching (6th grade) immensely!!! Can't say how it works in parenting since my baby is 2.5 months... Good luck!!!

You are playing the same song at my house!!! First of all, if I think my son is lying about brushing, I have him rinse with a kid mouthwash that will show sugar bugs.. he then has to brush the solution off of his teeth.

Also, I have him brush when I brush so I can teach good oral habits.

Trustworthy kids get rewards. Lying kids get no where. Make the crime fit the punishment. Toss out the cute kiddie toothbrush... maybe he should use a plain one without the characters. Then offer a reward. No brushing, no gum or candy.
The gum was a real "eye" opener. My son loves gum.

Good luck,
M.

I always read the Chocolate Touch to my second graders at this time of the year. It is a fantasy fiction chapter book that tells the story of a boy who only eats candy and chocolate (he even lies about it to his parents). This little boy learns the lesson that good foods are best. Just for fun! He might make some connections!

Both my nine-year-old and my nephew went through the same thing at about the same age. Just hang in there and be consistent as they are testing to see how much they can get away with. They will grow out of most of it. Show him how gross his teeth look (like after a PB&J) and tell him that even though sometimes he can't see the food that it is still there eating away at his teeth. It took my older son getting a cavity and filling, however, to make them realize that brushing really is important. I don't know why boys seem to not care so much about hygiene. I have three sons and five nephews and they are all lacking in the desire to brush and shower. It is gross, but it is our job as a mom to help them grow into men that women actually want to marry:) Consistency!

My 7 year old was going through the same thing. To stop his lying we talk to him about the lie not what the lie was about. If the situation is about brushing his teeth, we tell him that if he didn't brush his teeth he won't get in trouble, but if he lies about it his punishment will be severe. Lying makes the punishment greater depending on how bad the action actually was. In these cases minor, therefore we would not punish for the action. Most important is that he understand that he can and needs to be honest especially with his parents since we are the ones who have his best care at heart. Of course once he admits he didn't brush, we make him brush with us there, but he receives NO punishment because we need to keep our part of the bargain. They won't trust us in the long run if we punish for the action.

Take him for a visit at the dentist, when the doctor is pulling a tooth.
He'll change his mind about brushing!!!!

This is a hard one, because it gets to the point that you don't know when they are telling the truth. I told my son a nursery rhyme. I can't remember the name of it. But this little boy was always lying and seems crying wolf just for attention. Then one day he cried wolf and their really was one but no one would believe him so they ignored his call. I'm not sure but seems that was the end of him. Or he may have been saved. I hope you get good advice on this as i also feel it is very important to stop this or you'll never trust him or nor will anyone else. It seems you'v done just about everything at this point. Good luck

sandy

Here is a link from CNN about an article about this very issue:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/family/11/12/why.kids.lie/

Here are some other links:
http://www.medhelp.org/HealthTopics/Lying.html
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13506442/
http://www.vhi.ie/experts/parenting/parenting_q005.jsphtt...
http://childparenting.about.com/cs/behaviorproblems/a/lyi...
http://www.education.com/magazine/column/entry/Lying/

Hope this helps, good luck.
~Susan

I went through this too and the only thing that helped was making sure that my son knew how sad it made me feel. I actually went so far as to "cry" in front of him and tell him that I was so sad I could not put him to bed that night. I explained that it made me sad to think that I could not trust him to tell me the truth. I felt it was important for him to see how his actions affected those around him, specifically those who he loves.

I only worked on one thing at a time, and tried to keep the punishments to a minimum. Sometimes they start doing the unwanted behavior just for attention. Also, carefully choose your battles. I have teenagers too, and know that sometimes you just have to let the little stuff go. Good luck.

When my daughter was in that stage I sent her to a time out she stopped in a couple of weeks.

Most kids do lie, atleast my older one did and my younger one is starting.

Watch for signs of looking away when he talks to you, nervous habbits when talking, breaking out with blotches on the face, shrugging, rubbing the face, etc for signs of lying. My older daughter would get the red blotches on the side of her face and I would tell her to tell the truth because I always know when she is telling a lie and she would admit it. Eventually she grew out of it.

I definately would not do anything to humiliate your child by means of attaching them to you with a string. That will not teach them anything but to resent you.