Hi moms. So I have the sweetest most sensitive almost 6 year old little boy in the world!! He is almost to sensitive. He has a friend in his class that he has known for two years now (they were in preschool and now in the same Kindergarten Class). My son ADORES this kid, he thinks he is so funny and he tries to do everything he does. HOWEVER, this kid plays VERY rough, and while he is goofing around he is border line bullying my son. He will not stop even when my son ask him to this kid will just keep going. I have witnessed it and told him to STOP and he just says "thats how we play" I know he isn't meaning to hurt anyone but I feel like it’s the beginning of him becoming a bully.
My son is so scared to get in trouble or hurt this kid's feelings he just lets him do it. I have told my son, he NEEDS to protect himself. As soon as he starts doing that this kid will stop. This kid is totally the type to cry and tell if someone hurts him or is mean to him...but he is the first to do it to others. I told my son if he is hurting you, shove him away as hard as you can and in a loud voice tell him to "STOP IT" if he still won't stop you tell you teacher. I just want him to stand up for himself. But he is a "follow the rules" type of kid (For an example some kid told him he likes his hair in the bathroom, My son wouldn't even say Thank You, because they are not suppose to talk in the bathroom...lol.
This boy’s mother and I have become pretty close. So my question is, do you think I should talk to her? How should I bring it up? I want my son to protect himself and stand up for himself; I do not want to fight his battles for him. I was thinking of telling his mom that her son sometimes plays rough with my son and my son has asked him to stop and he will not, SO I have told my son to protect himself if he has to, to stand up for himself however he needs to to get her son to stop, Just tell her that I want them to figure it out on their own but I wanted her aware of the situation. Just in case my son finally has had enough and just goes nuts on this kid (which don’t think he will).
I was thinking of emailing my son's teacher also just so she is aware of the situation. But I think I should talk to the boys mom first? What do you all think? Its hard because my son thinks of this kid as his best friend, he LOVES him....I don't know why! :0/ ADVICE PLEASE!!!!
Thank you!!
Two normal six year olds. Let them work it out. In the end, it is the best thing you can do for him. Kids need to learn to stand up for themselves early on. This is not bullying.
Bullying is more of a mindset that you haven't shown this kid to have. I think that you are jumping to some unnecessary conclusions. Your focus should be on YOUR kid, how he responds and protects himself. The other kid isn't really doing anything wrong...just being a kid.
I have one of each of the children you describe. My own 6 year old would be the rough house kind of kid.
First-- this is NOT bullying... bullying is when someone PURPOSEFULLY tries to hurt another person. From what you describe, this is not on purpose, but fun that gets to a heightened level.
Second- He is only 6 years old...at this age, listening to someone the first time is no common..whether we like it or not.
Third- for most boys, rough housing is normal and natural. Boys brains do not work the same way a girls brain does. At this age, more instinctual behaviors are apparent, and less societal. At this age, they are still in the learning process of how to control how hard they play, and how they play.
Fourth- If you approach the parent with this, tip toe--for they will usually take it as an insult, or start punishing the child for what is actually normal behavior. Say something like: "When our boys play, it seems to escalate to them playing too rough, what can we do to help them regulate it?" This comes off as it's not "her kids" fault, because, see...it takes two.
Fifth- Look at what your own child is doing, as well. Is he playing rough with him at first and then it escalates to being rougher than it should? That is what happens in most situations at this age level. That is when your son needs to be taught a PROPER way of saying stop--telling him to push the child only makes matters worse, because then it does become a purposeful aggression and will only escalate from there. I have taught my OTHER child (who is like yours) to say stop, and if they are not listening, walk away. If the child follows, inform an adult who can help. Most kids at age 6 do not have the developmental capabilities to realize when things may have gotten too rough or too far.
Yes, inform the teacher of your concerns, but approach it in a non-accusing way. If your son is anything like mine, he does play a part in it.
1. Please don't use the word "bully" here. It's not appropriate AT ALL. You are talking about a 6 year old who is engaging in very typical behavior. At this age, boys tend to be quite rough and play "aggressive" games.
2. Invite that boy (and his mother) over for a one-on-one play date. See if they play aggressively together outside of school. Have plenty of "non physical" things that they can do together and maybe a structured activity for them to do together.
3. If they start to get rough in your home, step in. Just say "We don't play rough in our house." and see how it goes. He was being honest with you when he told you "that's how we play", but that doesn't mean he can't learn another way to play!
4. Definitely let the teacher know what's going on. My guess is that it's happening on the playground and she may not be aware, as many schools have the teaching assistants or parent volunteers supervising recess.
5. I wouldn't necessarily say something to the other child's mother. Let the teacher address it if it's a real concern.
**It sounds like your son is a "rule follower" (like my little guy) who gets taken advantage of... what we've found VERY successful is to tell my son that the "rule is that he cannot play with ____ during recess because he is too rough and they both end up in trouble." We've had to do it with 2 or 3 kids over the last year or so and it really does work.**
Bullying? maybe not so much.
This is a matter of a passive personality going along with the rough house/aggressive personality and (his) determining when to draw a boundary - how to say Stop! - without fearing being rejected.
This is part of a developmental stage that many kids go through.
Your son loves his friend - and that's great - but if he can't say 'no' or 'I don't want to' he might be too much into following along with what ever the other guy wants to do.
It's great to have a 'good buddy' but it's wise to have a circle of friends.
Get your son involved in an after school activity where he can meet more people and make more friends.
The more friends a kid has the less likely he'll feel like just blindly following along with a more dominant friend.
Why don't you go with the truth? Next time you talk to the mom say the playing gets too rough for your son and he doesn't feel comfortable saying something.
Any normal parent would not be offended with that and would talk to their child. You can't really call it bullying if your son is unwilling to say something other than in the middle of playing.
Your son has got to find his own voice to say "no; stop." If he doesn't, this is just the beginning of things he will allow/be part of. Next thing you know, he will try a sip of alcohol or a puff off a cigarette because someone told him to and he doesn't know how to say "no."
Try role playing with him. Teach him how to say no and then walk away. Not say no andstill stand there and when the other kid doesn't stop, just go along with it. That's dangerous! He needs to learn to say "no" and really mean it. That may be why the other kid doesn't stop - he's used to your son say no or stop but then continuing to play or allow whatever to happen.
No means no whether it's in play or sex or whatever. Neither of these boys understand that.
Yes! You should have a frank, friendly talk with the other mom and tell her what is going on. She can talk to her son about his behavior and try to get him to think about your son's feelings. Please do this! I have a 9 year old son who is VERY confident. He has a best friend who adores him and does whatever he says. My son doesn't have the best judgment at times and he takes advantage of his friend. Nothing really bad...but little things like getting to play what he wants to play. His friend always goes along with what he says. When I am around I can put a stop to it...but it disturbs me that things might be happening at school or when I am not around. I have had many talks with my son but he doesn't really get it (maybe not mature enough yet? maybe he's too self centered?) and will say, but he WANTS to do it, but he WANTS to give me that, etc. I am trying my best to get my son to not be the "bossy" leader who always gets his way when playing with this other boy. It has been a project in progress...and yes, I would want the other mom to talk to me if she saw my son acting like a bully. I don't think he is ever mean to his friend, but I don't know for sure.
try to tell your son to tell the boy " thats not how I play STOP" . then once the kid stops have you son say "your hurting me thats not fun for me" Lets go play something else".
I would tell the teacher because across the board in any daycare, school setting the rule is not to touch. i am very supprised that this kind of wrestling or physical play that is overly rough is allowed to go on.
You know what I am tired of, of people not wanting to step on peoples toes because they are so afraid of offending some body. What the heck ever happened to just telling people what we think is right? Tell that boys Momma, "Hey, little Jonny is really pushing my boy around and I don't like it." The end.
Definitely make the teacher aware of the situation. My guess is that a discussion with the mother will go a lot like your son's discussion with the child "that's just how we play".
I know exactly where you are coming from with this. I have 2 sons, 14 and 11, we do not play very rough at our house but some of the neighbor kids are way over the top rough as far as I'm concerned. My younger son has a neighbor boy that he really wanted to be friends with but that other boy would purposely hurt my son in my opinion. Things would start off "just playing" until everything escalated and guess who always got hurt?? My son has finally come to the realization that this boy is not his friend and I am glad.
We actually enrolled my boys in Ti Kwon Do for a while to help them with self defense moves and some self esteem, they both really liked it (I wish it weren't so darn expensive!!). We also tell them that they have to defend themselves because if they don't the bullying won't stop. Our schools have a no physical contact rule and our boys know that if they get into trouble for defending themselves they'll have to deal with what ever punishment the school lays down, but they won't be in trouble at home. They know it is NOT acceptable for them to start the fight!!
Good Luck.
M
