Kids Wanting Father.

M., I am sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it was one of the worst things you ever thought could happen to one of your children. But if I may just say one thing. I feel that it is important to protect your family first, especially your children. I have two of my own and I believe firmly in that. There are some very sick people in this world, a lot, I know. But the main word is "some." I can imagine how scary it would be to try to learn to trust someone again after something like that. But to say that you NEVER will and that you will be alone forever or until your children are grown is a HUGE statement. My husband and I are happily married, so meeting new men is not something that I have to deal with right off hand. But my Mother has been dating several men over the past 7 years and she keeps my children a lot. There are very VERY stict rules when they are around. One, they are NOT around until I have gotten to know them quite a bit. Two, even once I get to know them (as nice as I think they are) they still will NEVER be with my children for a split second without my mother there. Not even for her to go to the jiffy store. UNACCEPTABLE! If their feelings get hurt, OH WELL, those are my babies! I guess what I am trying to say is, as few as it may seem, there are good people out there. Someone that would make a wonderful father. Someone that would have to earn your trust over a long period of time and would have to understand that from the get go. Then you give it however long it takes. 1 year, 2 years, whatever. You can be with someone and still protect your children. Just try to be reasonable where you pick them from- not the bar, or the bus stop. :) This is not fool proof of course but helps. And set standards for the person. Be picky! I know this was probably not the answer you were asking for, but I hope this helps some!

I have never trusted anyone, not just men. So don't tell them your reasons. But having outings that don't exclude men are a good idea. Like family or friends parties where there are some dads and uncles and the like, because they do need positive male role models, even if they aren't living in your household. My mother stayed single because of my trust issues, I was 5 years old being mean to every man she tried to introduce me to. Over the years she pointed out other family dynamics that I hadn't paid attention to. Like some of our family and friends parents were actually their grandparents, or aunts and uncle's having custody and so on so forth. Then it seemed more acceptable to me that it was just me and Mom, that it was normal and we were happy! That just had to be pointed out. We were normal, we were family and nothing was lacking.

I've read what the other ladies advised, and agree with what they said. You should give someone a chance, but it should be a very special person who you get to know well enough to feel comfortable with when they are around your kids before you let them be around your kids. There are a number of issues in addition to the one you mentioned, like discipline, and liking children that you need to deal with before getting a "dad" for your kids. The big brother idea is super. My ex and I separated 2 yrs ago. It takes a long time to get a match, but it's worth the wait. My son enjoyed his big brother very much. We have since moved, and there is a new man in the house, but the big brother really helped bridge the gap until that happened. Now my daughter thinks I'm moving too fast with the new boyfriend, but that is another issue. LOL Good luck.

The only thing I can think of is if you have a man in your life who could be a father figure to your children. Do you have a brother, uncle, cousin, your own dad, someone who could fill that role for your kids? I understand that you probably have a hard time trusting any man around your kids. I would be the same way. I wish you luck!

C.

DONTTTTTT!!! Dont tell your kids the reason why you are not dating, its too much for them to understand, especially at this age. Instead try and ask them why do they want a daddy so bad. By knowing exactly what they feel, you could then do things differently. Sometimes they just one to do things that they think is daddy related, like playing sports or anything like that. Or just tell them that you are doing fine the way things are and that they have a great mommy that has double love for them.
Giving your kids mature answers will just confused them. Im a single mother too and I understand your situation.

I have been where you are. My daughter's father did a number on me too. I told my daughter that mommy was not ready to have a husband who would be a daddy for her. I explained to her that mommy still hurt too much and that I needed time to finish healing from the hurt before I was ready to start looking for a husband. Then I made sure my father and my older brother spent a lot of time with her.

You can explain it to the children in a way that is evasive enough to not get into adult issues they are not ready to handle. I always condone telling the truth with my children. That way they know mommy won't ever lie to them no matter how bad it is.

I know with my daughter part of the issue was that she saw other children's fathers picking them up and dropping them off and she wanted to be the same - but she knew she wasn't.

If possible, have your brothers, uncles, your father, or a close male friend you trust spend more time with the you and the children. While it will not take daddy's place, it will provide a good role model and help alleviate some of the "daddy" stigma the children are feeling. If possible, see if that male would be willing to pick the children up from school or daycare occassionally.

It helped a lot with my daughter. My son being autistic didn't really care one way or the other. But my daughter was very aware of the differences.

I didn't start dating again until my daughter was 3 years old and then only occassionally for the fun of getting out of the house. I wasn't looking for a husband. Just companionship.

I didn't marry again until my daughter was 10 years old and my son was 6.

One suggestion: Big Brothers and Big Sisters
www.bbbsa.org
They can find you a positive male role model.
But do not tell them why you dont trust anyone, because then they will not trust anyone, and that is not healthy. Also, you need to find out why they want a father figure so bad. Do they want the male attention, do they want to do the "father" type things like babseball games and building forts, is it effecting them at school?

M. Just tell your little ones that mom hasn't found someone special she wants to go out with when do you do meet someone keep your dating and children. seperate until the right person comes along. a Great place to meet parents is parents without partners or a local church group. Good luck

M.-

I am also a single mother of an 8 year old daughter. I lost my virginity at 15 got pregnant at 16 and was in an abusive relationship with a drug dealer/user and when I found out I was pregnant decided to get myself out of that scenario and turn my life around. I was able to work part time and go to school part time, graduate, and become a pretty normal citizen in society. I would say your kids are just wanting you to be happy and think that a lot of times a "father" figure would bring happiness not only to their lives but yours as well. I would explain to them that you are at a point in your life where you are not interested in obtaining a relationship due to problems with your past relationship. I would NOT go into detail. Kids are too young and naive to be put in the situation of explaining something like that and you are doing everything you should as a protective mother. Props to you!!!! I hope all goes well with your kids : )

Sincerely,

Missy

just keep doing what you have been doing maybe try some boys and girls clubs.or do you have any close friends that are guys or maybe even friends that are couples where maybe they could do something with you and your children.i know it feels like a long shot but its not thats what im doing my children havent seen their father in 31/2 months hes not aloud cause he was abusive and abusing drugs so i still dont know how long it will be.its hard to trust but letting your gaurd down sometimes is not always bad i wouldnt say leave your children alone iwth somemone but doing something going out with someone and your children is ok.the only way to get past that fear that youve already experienced is to try and face it.youll see that in time it will get easier.