Help Telling My kids...moms Not Ready to Date Yet

don't take it personally, and don't think that they are not happy with just you. It is natural for children to crave both a father and mother figure. I don't know if you have any close male friends, but it might be a good idea to ask if they would mind getting involved with your boys. Maybe just go out and throw the ball, or go to the movies, something they can do with that man figure. they might just be craving some testosterone and not really a new dad. At that age they say they want all sorts of things and have no idea what they really want. I know my daughter wanted a brother at the beginning of this year, but only so she would have someone she could play with. After explaining that babies have to be treated gentle and it would be a while before she could play with him, she decided she would be happy to stay an only child. Her motivation had nothing to do with wanting a brother she wanted a playmate, so we found her some in the neighborhood and she is quite content. I wish you the best. I say don't rush it if you are not ready, there is not a time line that says you have to be married again by this date. I know for my self I think I would feel the same way you do, and that is ok.

As a child from a divorced family I see where you are coming from. I had a wonderful father, but he lived several hours away so I could not have as close a relationship as I wanted. My mother remarried a man that was not a good father to me. He was distant except when I got in trouble, then he layed down the law. As a teenager and young adult I put important things aside because I was obsessed with finding love from men. So finding just any man to be a role model for your son is not wise. Your father could be an important figure to your son, as my grandfather is to my brother. Their wisdom can do so much to teach young men how to act. If there are no other men in your life, and you are religious, I would suggest getting your kids involved with a church youth organization with responsible, respectable male role models. I think as long as your son feels he has someone to talk to that will understand his male point of view, he will learn the good values of being a man.

My opinion only...I feel that you shouldn't tell them that you or they don't need a "dad" around in order for all of you to be happy or to be a family. If you were a single father I would say the same thing. Children benefit from both a mother and father figure in their lives. Boys need both a mother and father to teach them how to be men. Moms teach them tenderness, give them encouragement, show them how to love, hug, and treat other women with respect. A father figure teaches boys how to be boys and men. There is a saying, "it's easier to raise a boy to be a man than to raise a man." Men have a special place in a young boy�s life when it comes to manly activities, sports, etc. Just as your daughter needs a mother to teach her about emotions, boys, men, menstruation, how to be a girl a father figure can speak positive in her life, make her feel like the princess she is, teach her how she should be treated when it comes to boys and then later on men (fathers have an incredible power over their daughters when it comes to a daughters self-esteem and how they allow boys or men to treat them) and a father figure can also make her feel that she is the most special and most beautiful young lady in the world;someone to be revered and honored.

Short but true story. We went on a beach trip for 3 days with friends of ours. I was pregnant and they had a 12 year old daughter. Not that their daughters father isn't wonderful but he had issues at the time. Unknown to my husband and I my friend had told me after the trip that her daughter made a comment that when she was ready to get married she wanted to marry someone like my husband. She had noticed how caring, attentive, gentle and loving he is to me. My husband's eyes swelled with tears when I told him. It touched him to know that he had been such a model for this precious young lady.

Children desire a mom and dad unit, to them it just makes sense to call that a family. To teach them otherwise is teaching them too much independence and they grow into adults feeling that they do not need anyone in there lives. As true as this is in many aspects such as we can't depend on another person to make us happy or to be fulfilled in life we also need to make sure that our children understand that in circumstances where one spouse is not around or within the immediate family unit it's still wonderful to go out and enjoy life, meet others and if the right person comes a long how great it can be to have both a mom and a father figure back in the same house. Not to mention double the love the children will receive.

It is precious that your children want you to find love and happiness. It only natural! Thank your son for his desires in your life as his mom and let him know that he can hope for whatever he wants for his mom and you never know, one day it might happen but that you want to make sure it will be with someone that loves them and wants the best for them as much as you do.

Your situation sounds all too familiar to me. I am going through a divorce with my kids father, we seperated 8 months ago. I know that it is all still really new for me and the kids but I am nervous about the future. My children see their father every other weekend and we split all the holidays and he gets 5 weeks in the summer, so they see him quite a bit. We have joint legal custody and we try to remain friendly while doing things with the kids. It has gotten easier now these days but they used to cry alot wanting to know why I couldn't just be with their daddy and love him. You see I am the one who decided it was time to move on since we had such a tumultuos 4 years of our 8 years together. My kids still very much a have a father figure in their life, since they see their dad all the time. He made a really good father but was not good as being a mate. I can feel your pain when you say it makes you cry when they ask these things, I know it is like a knife in the heart. After 8 years with their father I just realized that I really enjoy being a mother, but not being in a relationship with their father. I find it difficult at times to explain to my little ones (7 and 4) that having a happy healthy life doesnt always mean a mom and a dad raising them together in the same house, but that they are loved and nourished no matter who is raising them, doesn't matter whether its one person or two people or a whole family. It has been comforting to me to keep letting them know that I am a much happier person when I am on my own, and enjoy raising them. I do not know that any of this helps but just so you know you are not alone. I would like to meet more moms who have these same issues, especially since all of my friends are married with kids.

Sounds like they've seen the movie "The Parent Trap"! Now that they are school age, they may be hearing stories about Dads, and feel left out. They might even be hearing Divorced Dad Weekend stories, and are getting the wrong messages that Dads are more fun! (Many divorced parents BUY affection on the weekends by allowing them to stretch the rules, or take them to amusements that the custodial parent normally couldn't afford...just to give them something to do.)
What you need to tell them is that you're 30 years old, and perfectly capable of making your own decisions, and that you have decided that you don't WANT to date right now.
Even if you did, getting them involved with a "maybe" partner isn't a good idea. It gets their hopes up falsely. Don't introduce them to a guy until you're SURE he will be part of your Lives.
Explain to them that you are happy right now, and that if they feel that they aren't getting enough love, they should let YOU know.
Then sign yourself up for an evening class in ceramics or something...and get yourself out of the house once a week. It will be good for your own self-esteem, to do something for your SELF.
Believe me, I know what you're talking about! I went for 10 years withought dating. My kids turned out fine. Do what's in your heart. Eventually, you'll get to the point where you're ready to let someone else into your heart. Hugs.

I love being a single mommy, but at the same time, I have no problem getting married. It has nothing to do with me "needing" a man around the house to help me. My son is madly in love me, he's the sweetest thing. He can't tell me enough how much he loves me, but he craves more than a father figure. He misses his daddy, even though his dad wants nothing to do with him, in his eyes, he's the best daddy in the world. There are things I just cannot teach my son properly that a father would. My dad is wonderful with him, but the fact that he's so close to my dad says one thing to me, that relationship is something he NEEDS. Yes, I can raise my son on my own. I dont' "need" any help, but I want my son to be happy.
I'm getting married in a month, and it isn't because my son wants a dad, but the fact that they've developed a relationship and I know he will be a great father to him, does help. I didn't date for a long time, I just wasn't ready, and even now I think, wow, I wish I could just be with my boy, me and him forever. But in about ten years, he won't feel quite the same about me, and a father will be very important in his life.
I'm by no means telling you to go out and find yourself a man, but don't get offended and think your son is telling you that you aren't doing a good job. More and more, single parent homes are becoming the norm, but that doesnt' make it natural, and your kids are feeling that. Your kids want you to be happy, and they feel like having a dad who loves him and takes care of them would make them happy. Respect that, at the very least, and don't just try to convince them that they are perfectly happy the way they are. Again, I'm not saying, go out and find you a man, just maybe don't tell your kids never, cuz you never know!

Maybe it's not that the kids want you to actually be on a date. Maybe they just want to have a man around. Someone they can play catch with or just to talk to. Eventhough you live with your parents can still make it kind of uncomfortable for the kids to talk to them about problems. They could also be sensing that you aren't happy, I don't know the situation with one on one time but maybe you need to do more things as a family just the three of you so they can understand that that is all you guys need.

Becareful about saying that you don't need a man around to raise children. I know you don't mean that children don't need a dad, but that's how he will take it, if you say it that way. He will be a man, and you don't want him to think that he doesn't have to stick around, when he has chidren.

Just explain why there isn't a "dad" in his life right now. What ever reason that is. Let him know that is is usually better to have two parents, but not if that means that one parent is abusive,neglectful, etc. Let him know that sometimes that can also be the Mom, and it's better that the dad raise them alone. Let him know that you appreciate the fact that he would welcome a man into the family, but it has to be a good man, and the right man.

Also, I don't know if he is in something like Boy Scouts, baseball, or somewhere that he can have a meaningful interaction with a man figure, that would be his fathers age. That might me be what he wants and needs.

hey i know how you feel when i got divorced i hide behind my son and when a guy would ask me out the first thing out of my mouth was i have a son just to get there reaction and most of the time that was the end of that dont worry your children are probably missing the male figure i know my son does he has not seen or heard from his father in almost 10 months and he is four right now soon to be five and it breaks my heart every time he asked when his dad is coming to see him. but surrounding your children with family males like uncles or grandpas may help feed that need and just let them know that your main focus is on them and you are waiting for the right man to come along that will love them as much as you. my theroy is my son is my main concern and everyone else comes after that well except god he is the first next to my son but i would not worry to much you might even try the big brother thing where male spend time with kids who lack male bonding time. i agree with you i dont need a man to define me either i can do the throwing the football around and baseball around just as well as a man but just focus on someone who thinks your kids are important to them good luck

I don't know what your beliefs are so please excuse me if you are affended, that is not my intention. But you don't have to come out and say that you don't need a man in the home. I believe in Jesus and his promises. Just because this is your current living situation, it doesn't mean that it is permanent. If it is in God's will, you will meet a wonderful man one day! I don't know if you go to church, so i really don't want to tell you what to tell your children, if you don't believe the same. If you would like you can respond back, and i will further this message. My name is S.. I have a one year old chimpanzee, j/k, daughter. I am 24 and I live with my mother, but i am really trying to GET OUT ASAP!! haha!