Kids Can't Play Together!

I Highly recommend reading the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay or becoming familiar with that parenting principle. I took some Love and Logic Parenting classes and I have seen results in getting my children to behave with less struggle and while still keeping a warm relationship with my kids. It's just taken a lot of the exhaustion out of parenting. Here's the website: http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/pc-134-44-parenting-with...
You can click on "store" and buy other things like they have a good DVD geared towards parents of children ages 0-6. Good luck! You can call Love and Logic headquarters and get the phone numbers of local Love and Logic teachers in your new area.

My mom practiced a lot of "Love and Logic" parenting before it even existed. She just had an intuition for healthy parenting, and all of us kids maintained a warm, loving, non-rebellious relationship with her even through the teenage years. I always respected her. She had certain limits that she very consistently and lovingly enforced and made us suffer the consequences of our actions which helped us develop responsibility. Anyways, I can speak both from a child's and parent's perspective about the benefits of this extremely effective parenting style. Good luck!

First of all, I would say that part of the problem exists in how you described them: "cute but onery" 3 year old and "adorable" (like he could do no wrong) 11 month old. That your younger one "likes to take toys away" but that the older one is "in a very horrible temper tantrum stage". Now, that's just what you said here, but I will (nicely) remind you that if it's said to ANYONE in public, that your older one probably knows this and POSSIBLY feels inferior already. Chastising him only helps further this notion, and the shoving and hitting is probably a way to punish the younger one because he doesn't think you'll handle it.

I know that 11 months old is way too young to know better and WAY too young to be doing it purposely, but as the oldest child (of 4, 2 girls and 2 boys!) I also know that if you do not try to handle this problem from BOTH sides early on, then the older one will just continue to be resentful, and the younger one will grow to use that opportunity to walk all over you and the older one. Punishing after the fact for something they've always gotten away with doesn't really help, either, when they're teens.

Now, for the most part, I get on well with my siblings (we're adults now, so that helps! *grin*), but growing up was ...well, it was hell in these situations...mostly because my parents took the stance that since I was older, I should know better, and help them teach the younger one. That might work when they're young, but by the time they're nearing elementary school age, it begins to rub of favoritism. PLUS, if the younger child acts up, the older child will sometimes transfer those failure feelings on themselves as well, as they'd possibly TRIED to show good behavior.

My solution would be to have your 3 year old pick out a couple of his toys that are "his only", and then allow your 11 month old to play with all but those toys (gently take them away and put them up, as you would anything else he shouldn't get into), and then talk to your 3 year old about how babies get into things, and how if he needs private time to play with something, that you should be told so that you can engage the younger one in something else. But be sure to spend some private time (when you can - naptime or bedtime or whatnot) with the older one so he doesn't feel left out.

Establishing fairness early on will help combat those "troublesome" actions, but looking at it from the older one's point of view is the most important thing - too many parents I know were never in that position, and so they look at it from the younger one's point of view because the younger one is usually "unable to help him/herself". Also remember, finally, that boys play differently than girls - a LOT of pushing and all - and you'll have your hands full when they're older. Enjoy the serenity while you have it! *grin*

Hi C.,
The same thing happened with my two girls as soon as the youngest started to walk and she would walk over and take one of the older girl's toys. I think a couple of things happen, first the 2nd one is now mobile and the first child has to protect their toys and space. After all it's always all been theirs and now this other person is walking over and taking it.

The other thing is that we can sometimes get caught up in the little one. They are making these mile stones and we cheer for them and the older one gets jelous. Even if you cheer for the older too, they don't like to share the spot light. Suddenly they aren't the most important thing in the world any more (or so they think) and they are sad about it. It comes out as anger though.

My girls are now 2 and 4 years old. I find that what works better for us is if I can find some special time where I'm just one on one with each of them. It makes them feel special and they know they are loved. Then I also praise my 4 year old unbelievably when she is kind, loving or sharing with her sister. This works well as she looks for ways to be kind or help her sister so she can point it out to me to get significance. It makes her feel special and she knows I still love her. Now the 2 year old is becoming more of an instigator and I'm going to have to start really focusing this on her too. Hope this helps
A.

Hi C.,

My daughter is 24 and here's what she did with her boys. First she would take a favorite toy away, tell him you are keeping it until he is nice to his brother. If that does not work...take "all" the toys away until he behaves!

Hope this idea works for you!

Blessings,
C.

Maybe your 3 year old needs some one-on-one time with his mom/dad, without his little brother. He may be acting out for your attention.

Maybe they might need attenttion without the other.I would say to try a little individual time with each. (yes, I know you have your hands full) Sometimes they could competing for you attention and I sure the fight happens right when your trying to talk on the phone or get something done (thats what mine did). Maybe when the little one taking a nap, you could play a game, read or whatever with the older one.

This is normal rivalry behavior. Neither is old enough to reason, explain or communicate their frustrations. My kids are three years apart and I had a lot of the same issues. I would put my daughter in charge of being the teacher however, saying she was to teach her brother how to play nice, ask nicely and share. Empower your three year old and continue to remind him he is the big boy. If he pitches a fit, then put him in time out. It takes a LONG time. It is hard and you shouldn't necessarily punish the 3 year old a lot either as that will cause resentment. You shouldn't tell them not to play together as they just have to figure it out. Don't intervene unless there is hitting or shoving if you can help it. Tell them to share or put the toy up on the fridge until they can play nicely. I had a rule, if someone was playing with something and put it down it was fair game, period, if they fought over that toy, the toy went away for a day.