Kids and Funerals - Saint Paul,MN

Honestly, I wouldn't make him go. You're going to spend the whole time worrying about him and he doesn't want to be there.

If he didn't really know him when he was alive, I would not drag him kicking and screaming to the funeral.

I am so sorry !

I did not attend a funeral service until I was a teenager. Young children just did not go to services when I was little. My Mom would not let me attend an open casket wake until I could drive there myself. I was a very sensitive kid ! It would have been too scary for me.

If it were me...I would make arrangements to pick up my daughter for the luncheon afterwards.

...You are right. This is going to be a very tough service with alot of sadness. If he is not ready to handle this, I would be honest w/ the family and pick him up later.

The family will be so distraught, they probably won't notice.

When my friend lost her husband suddenly, she could barely get through the service, let alone notice who was there. She was in shock.

I would not make him go. He is still very young to understand this as a life's celebration.

Honestly ... I have never (and still don't) make my kids go to funerals. I go as a representative of the family ... I don't make anyone else go. I don't think your husbands aunt (or is it his sister in law?) is going to be concerned that a small child isn't there ... or feel that your family isn't being supportive if the children are left at home with a sitter.

I'd wait till he's a little older and more able to cope with his emotions before making him attend them.

Why make him go? It obviously upsets him... can you have him stay with a friend? How will his being there, obviously upset, help your uncle's family?

When my father died, my kids were 9, 7, 5, and 6 weeks.... the church had a nursery... I gave the older kids the option of attending the service. The 9 and 5 year old went in to the service with us, but the 7 year old (the more sensitive one, also) stayed in the nursery with the 6 week old....

If there is a reception or gathering later, maybe he can go to that.....

My sympathies to your family on this loss. How sad. May you be comforted.

Thoughts on your son attending: since he is young, did not know his uncle very well and he is already upset, I would not make him attend the funeral. I think it's different if the deceased is an active part of the young child's life. It's like saying goodbye. But when they don't know the person well or interact with them on a regular basis, it can be confusing.

However, I would help your son write a note to the wife and children. He's old enough to write, and he can send a note saying "I'm sad about Uncle _____." And if he has any memories, he could share them ("I liked how he made good cookies at Christmas").

My son, who was a teen at the time, had a friend who suffered a terrible family loss. My son didn't know the deceased, but he did run into this friend from time to time. He didn't attend the funeral, as he really didn't know any family except the one friend, and he didn't know him all that well. I told my son he should acknowledge the loss in some way, and should send a card. He told me that was stupid, but I insisted on it. I bought a blank card and he wrote a brief message to the friend, just saying that he was sorry for his friend's loss and offering to get together in the future when his friend was ready. My son balked, but obliged. A month or so later my son encountered his friend, who thanked him for the card and said that a lot of friends (peers his own age) hadn't known what to say or sent anything. My son came home and said "mom, I'm glad I sent that card. We had a good talk."

So, there are other ways other than the difficult funeral services, for a child to acknowledge a loss. Your son probably cannot understand such a depth of such loss, and certainly cannot understand the accident or the trauma, but he should be old enough to understand that his cousins are sad. By encouraging him to acknowledge their loss with a written note (and blank cards are best, as most sympathy cards are pretty unsuitable for young people) you will help him to establish some empathy without experiencing too much for his young life. Had this been a long anticipated death (years of cancer, or a very elderly person, for example), the situation might be different. But with such a tragedy, sometimes our young children cannot fathom what has happened. We can guide them gently.

Speaking as one who has grieved, Having your 7 yr old son there will not be important to the grieving family. Especially if he is upset and they feel bad for him. His feelings are valid and important. Respect his feelings and let him go to a friends or sitter.

I'm on your side....I believe he should attend with the family. By modeling calm & accepting behavior, hopefully you will be able to pull him through this event.

Death is a part of life. When faced with it, it's up to us to teach our children how to face adversity & not run from it. Hit your local library for books to help him understand acceptance of death. I think Berenstain Bears has one.....& I can't think of any others at the moment. Perhaps hitting the website for Compassionate Friends would help....I used the website when our daughter passed away.

Kudos to you for being strong for your son. & sincere condolences on your loss. Peace to you & your family.

If you have anyone who can care for your children, please do it. Don't put them through this. It is not necessary to bring this into their lives and your 7 year old is letting you know this by his behavior. This is just too much pain to see for little ones. This is a horrible tragedy and just too much for a child to bear. Adults would feel like they can't bear this. I have officated at funerals and have seen the pain and grief especially for the young and when it's a accidental death, it's very intense and impresses the heart to it's dept. Save your children from this experience. Maybe a neighbor you trust can care for the children or a friend.

My cousin died this same way. He was 24 years old and his wife saw it happen and she was 8 months pregnant with twins, she lost one of them due to her shock.

Blessings of love and strength and clarity.

I am so sorry for your families loss. What a terrible accident.

I suggest you go to the library or book store and pick up some appropriate books for your son about death. . They will explain that everyone dies, we are very sad but those left behind are fine and we always have our memories. .

It is understandable he would be upset, but to be so frightened is not healthy and unnecessary.. Children are afraid of things they do not understand.

After a few days of talking about this and the reading the books together, then you can decide if he is going to be able to attend the funeral.

In our families, we do not have any behaviors like this, because first of all we have a huge family and so someone is dying or being born every year.

We ALL attend the funeral.. From newborns to toddlers, school age children and adults.

It is more of a family reunion. We come together.. we comfort each other, we cry and then we move on and when we gather for a meal and to visit, there is lots of laughter and hugs.. Children then can see, we are all going to be ok..

I know this situation is the one of the worst situations, but you know that eventually, they will begin to have a good life and no one will forget the Uncle. But all of you are going to come together and offer help. Your son needs to understand this. The family is going to be ok, eventually and never forget him.

First I'm very sorry for your lose. It sounds horrible. Tell your son it's fine to cry and be upset and that he can let ot out. Comfort him and his siblings as well as you can. Don't make him go if he really does not wish to.
good luck

This is certainly difficult and I am so sorry for your loss. I guess I can't say what I would do, but I am sort of in the camp that this is life, although upsetting and at 7 he should at least be able to attend and be part of the family. I do see the arguments against, and understand some of them, but for me, I feel like family solidarity is more important.

Does he not want to go b/c he's overwhelmed with emotion, or is because he thinks it's weird, creepy, etc? I was a little confused on that part. In the end, I think you need to give him some coping skills. You have a few days to talk about it and possibly practice. Tell him that if he feels overwhelmed with emotion he can close his eyes and bow his head until he feels better, he can read the Bible or Hymnal that might be in the pews, he can breathe slowly and count to 10...whatever, just some ideas to get him to understand how to deal. If that doesn't work, work out a signal with him so that he can let you know how he's feeling.

In the end, I feel like teaching coping mechanisms and showing support may be worth it, but you guys will have to decide.

Can you maybe take one of your relatives or close friends to go with you? Let them be responsible for taking your son to another room or outside as a distraction (take a game or book or something to occupy any one of them). That way, they are there with you and the family while staking care of your son.

Personally, I wouldn't make him go. It is going to be a very sad funeral, and it may be extremely scary to your son to realize that his little cousin's dad died and is gone. His wife and kids need to be supported, but they do not need another traumatized, freaked out kid there. Also, other family members, friends, co-workers, etc. will be grieving and wanting to pay their last respects, and they shoold not be disturbed either.

I'd recommend taking your son to the wake to pay his respects, if you must take him at all. Then, have a babysitter watch him for the funeral and burial. If you want, get balloons for all the kids and take them outside later in the day and let them release the balloons to him in heaven as a way for them to pay their respects. If they are ever sad for him, they can send him a balloon in heaven.

I would not take children to a funeral unless they were the smallest of infants. There is no need for them to go.

He does not need to go. If you really want him to be there then take him to the family meal or to the house after the service.

I have gone to funerals and all the relatives were there. It was like a mini family reunion and it was wonderful to focus on the living and family after losing someone so special. We always went to the family part but did not go to the services until we were teens and wanted to go.

My dad was next to the baby of 14 children and he was born in the early 1900's. I was born around 1960 so you can imagine most of my aunts and uncles were born near the turn of the century. Lots of funerals by the time I was an adult.

One of my earliest memories was my mom's mother's funeral. I did not understand what was going on but everyone crying did scare me.

Knowing this and having been to so many funeral dinners and such helps me to know for a fact that kids do not need to be at funerals. It is confusing and extremely sad for them. They will have these memories in their mind for the rest of their lives and it will form their feelings about life and death and help them create fears and ideals about death that they are not supposed to do until they are young adults.

Please listen to him. He is screaming as loud as he can and being ignored. He knows he does not need or want this.

I'm very sorry for the tragic loss in your family.
I mean no offense, but why make your son go? He obviously doesn't handle this type of thing well and finding ways "to make him behave" better really isn't the solution.

I know adults that refuse to attend funerals no matter how close they were to the deceased. They choose to remember them in life, they don't want to break down, they don't want to show their grief in public, they have many reasons. They also have the choice as an adult to make their own decisions.

If you know that your son doesn't handle these things well, find a way to attend without him. That's my advice.

You know, many children who experience death begin to worry about their own mortality or losing their mommy or daddy. One minute, you're fixing a tire and the next minute, you can be dead. All the sudden, there are children with no daddy anymore. Put yourself in a little kid's head for a minute.

I experienced death as a child way more than a child should really ever have to and I must admit, as a sensitive and pondering child, I for a long while was very focused on the frailty of life. Anyone could die at any minute. It wasn't a comforting realization for me. It was a fear.

You, yourself, say that you haven't experienced a loss like this before. You might not even know how you will emotionally handle it. Showing loving family support is very important, but if your kid or kids aren't up for it, don't have them attend the memorial. If there is a more relaxed family gathering afterwards with food, etc where the kids can be less formal, take them to that.

That's just my opinion, and again, I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with Laurie A. Understanding and having a chance to really talk about his fears may help him handle these better and books can do a nice job of that. I agree with you that it's important for kids to attend these things. My kids have gone to wakes and funerals since birth. I'm from a large, Irish, Catholic family and it's just what we do. We went to 4 wakes/funerals just last year and one was for my brother. I was so relieved that at that one, the first close relative of theirs who died, my 4 kids, ages 5-13, were able to participate in all of the services and knew how to act. They were in the receiving line, one was a pall bearer, they brought up the gifts at Mass etc. and were able to do so because they were comfortable with the idea of death from prior experiences.

Try to talk to him about his fears. With kids, even if they don't say it, the question usually is "will I die (soon)?" and "will you and daddy die (soon)?" If you can get to the root of what he's afraid of, it might make him more comfortable. If you don't get anywhere, though, perhaps having someone take him to a different room during the service would be a good idea for now.

As for what to expect, I have been to three funerals for younger people and while they're harder than those of older people who have led complete lives, none of them was unbearable.

I am sorry for your loss. What a terrible accident and sad time for all of you.

I bet your son is more traumatized about HOW it happened. That is tragic.

I'm very sorry about this man's death. it is a real tragedy.

However, I am at a loss to understand why on earth you would require your son to go to the funeral. This is not like going to mass or church on Sunday. This isn't like going to school. This is not like anything else. This is seriously hard for his personality and he knows it. ANY child who reacts this way to death should not be made to do this. I consider it to be totally inappropriate to require a child to do this. He is NOT going make this family feel less sad. NOTHING is going to make them feel less sad.

Get him a babysitter. Do NOT take him to the service. Don't talk about this anymore with him. He is not in an emotional state to deal with this. If you continue pushing him, you could end up with nightmares, behavioral problems and some real hang ups about death later on in his life.

This is not about you. This is about him, and sometimes as parents we have to think about what is best for our children. Right now, you are forgetting that.

Dawn

Your son is 7, and very sensitive. I would think that it would be traumatic for any child to have to go to something like that by force. I would sit down with him and talk to him about his fears, and understand that they are very valid. It can't be easy for any child to go to something so full of saddness,death, and seeing people they love sad.

Your son, as you say, is sensitive. I understand his side very well. Even as an adult, it is quite difficult for me to attend funeral services. I tend to get very emotional, especially seeing pain on everyones face, and tears in their eyes. Not to mention, if their was a viewing before hand. Forget it. As an adult, it is important to attend and be of comfort to those who have lost loved ones. As a child, I find that if they are comfortable going, they should go and support the family. If they do not feel comfortable, then I would find an alternative place for them to be.

You don't want to have to worry about your son, while going through a very difficult service. You want to be able to be of support and comfort to those who have lost someone so tragically. I would find someone to watch your son. I don't think it would be helpful to anyone to have him attend and be so upset.

What a terrible tragedy! I am so sorry for the family.

Are you and your faimly (husband and kids) very religious? Is this something that you've already talked about with him? At a time when no one was grieving?

I'm asking because this is something that our almost 6 year old has asked about quite extensively (he thinks about things a lot!). We have often talked to him about heaven and how that's where people go when they die. We told him that he has great-grandparents their and even two uncles (my husband has two brothers who have already passed away). He's never met them, but they are in heaven and they are very happy and they love him very much.

We've really just talked to him about what we believe happens when people die. We talk about how it's very hard for the people who are still alive and how his grandma misses her two sons very, very much. We don't mean to mislead him in any way, but we don't want him to be scared.

Not sure if this helps at all, but it sounds like your son has been very much effected by these deaths. It might be very helpful to really give him a chance to talk about what he's thinking and feeling ... really listen to him. He's definitely hurting and might just need some time to deal with it all.

I am sorry for your loss. I did not go to my first funeral until my grandfather passed away and I was a senior in high school. When we were old enough, our parents gave us the option of going if we wanted. I always chose not to. It's not that I didn't understand what happened, I just chose not to go. Being an adult now, I understand that for me, I don't attend them for myself, I attend them for my loved ones that are still remaining. I would actually prefer to not go to them still. I would much rather remember people as how they were, alive, vibrant, happy vs the alternative. My mom passed away almost 6yrs ago and to be honest, I don't remember much about her funeral. I don't really remember many of the people that were there, I remember none of the service, I don't remember any of the conversations that were exchanged as we stood infront of her casket for 2 hrs. I do remember the way her hands were crossed and the way her hair was curled and the way the lights from the ceiling were reflecting in her glasses. These are not images I want of my mom for the rest of my life. I want her smile and her laugh and her walk and voice to be the things that stand out the most for me. I can still picture every person that I have seen in a casket freshly in my memory and I can not stand it. I can only imagine how it would have affected me if I had to endure this as a child. I would not force any of my children to go to a funeral. I think that it is a very personal choice. It's tough for your family but please don't discard your child's feelings. Again, very sorry for your loss.

Condolences on your tragic loss. I'm with the majority who say leave him home. In fact, I would get a sitter for all three of your children. IMO, I would only make children that young attend a funeral if it was an immediate family member or a grandparent. I see no reason for having any of them there and you will be better able to support your husband and mingle with his family without worrying about your young children. This may sound harsh, but I would ignore/tune out the Grandma who wants them there. She is grieving and may not be thinking rationally about the situation and perhaps your husband can explain why it's in the best interest of everyone for the children to skip it. I know death is a part of life that all children need to learn about, but at that age I think there are other ways, especially since it wasn't a relative that they knew very well. Best wishes.

aww goodness how awful and im so sorry for your family.
ive always given my kids the final go or dont to decide for themselves. when they couldnt decide because they were too young they didnt go. awful hard choice im sure.

blessings d

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. How awful.

This Spring, my boys met their cousin, Lily. One month later, she died suddenly. She was 9 years old and had undiagnosed diabetes.

The boys came to the funeral with us. It was hard on my 9 year old, especially since it was open casket...but it was important for him to attend to show solidarity, love and support for the rest of the family.

Talk to him and explain that we ALL pass away some day. The reason we go to funerals is for those left behind. To support them and show them that we are there for them. Tell your son "we have to be there for [name of persons closest to uncle], to show them we love them and be there if they need anything."

Let him help make a dish to bring afterwards to their home.

Basically, help to take the focus off of him and his own feelings....and think of others. For kids, that is the best lesson found in a funeral: Empathy. It isn't about him, and shouldn't be. Be a little hard on him and tell him that he WILL be there, because that is what family DOES.