Kids Adjusting to New Baby

My husband and I had "dates" with our oldest when the second was born (they are 20 months apart and dates might be a quick run to the grocery store and a smoothie and McDonalds, etc.). I can't drive for a few more days since having our third, but he has been trying to take the two boys out and once I'm "better" I'll be ditching him with the baby once in a while to go "out" with the older boys together and maybe one-on-one.

Right now my husband's out with our 4-year-old for groceries but they were stopping at the library on the way to hang out in the kids' section.

My 4-year-old has started whining more and throwing weepy fits once in a while. It is terribly irritating and he is all of sudden needing to interact with me while playing (which he hasn't "needed" before), so I'm sure some of that is the baby. He is too big for me to pick up and snuggle, so I have to have him climb up on me on the couch and I really only hold the baby when I'm nursing or can't move to put him back down. It sounds like you're doing great and making the efforts that make sense with the older kids and the rest will just work itself out. Babies are boring for kids at first since all they have are needs and they don't even play yet. =)

Maybe if you don't already, make dinner with the older ones and reinforce that they are super helpful to YOU (not just the baby) and make that some more one-on-one time with them.

Are there still things they can do with you even if the baby is around? Put baby in the stroller and all of you go for a walk? Everyone can read a book. Baby won't care if it's Sandra Boyton or Dr. Seuss.

Sometimes even 10 minutes of special story/snuggle time at night will help a kid feel better.

You might also get shaped post-its and put things you are proud of them for or fond memories or things you like about them on them and stick the notes in random spots. Put an "I love that you like ham and cheese as much as I do" in their lunch or "I love that I can count on you to brush your teeth all by yourself" on the mirror or "you make me laugh" on their pillow. It might be a way to communicate even if you're too scatterbrained to remember to do it in person.

It'll probably get better when the baby is more active. I'll never forget the first time DD reached for her brother and he melted.

My 3 year old was acting a little more needy until I invited her to participate in playing with the baby. My 2 month old can't do much, obviously, but my daughter loves playtime with her anyway. For the past week I just sit down with the baby and my daughter acts like the baby tummy is the pool for her Little People toys. Last night the baby had two kids, a kitty, and a goat on her tummy. LOL!! It has become a frequent game that all seem to enjoy. My daughter has bonded more with the baby and my 2 month old has even started to smile at my 3 year old when she comes over to play!

Get them to bond with your new treasure. They probably still see the baby as an outsider and don't know how to relate.

Balancing a family and work is tough, but it sounds like you're doing a great job so far. Hang in there!!!

My kids are a bit older, almost 12, 10 and 8 and then there's the baby. let me tell you, even at this age they aren't immune. The oldest is oblivious and that's fine with me, he acts as though the baby doesn't exist, not in a bad way, but he can be sitting next to him and the baby will cry and he won't even seem to hear him. Otherwise though he seems to have adjusted well. Now my middle 2 were different and still are. they do the sad thing, and act out in really small ways, like my son lying about hanging his shirts up. thankfully they are old enough though that rather than have them want to be the baby I have given them big kid privileges. They have harder chores and are paid for them now. I've let my boys go to the video game store in the mall while I went to another store, if we go shopping they get their own cart and list and help me out that way, and I allow them to ride their bikes further, now all the way around the block instead of just in front of the house, and even ride to the library while I walk with the baby. It seems to have done the trick. They are thrilled with being helpful and feeling important and will actually play with the baby a little every day. And i like that none of it is baby related, so they don't feel like a slave to him. Also because they are involved in activities I take the baby and make sure he is there to cheer them on and support them, so they can learn to understand that he cares about them too. And heck the little guy loves sitting on my lap while I clap his hands together cause his sister just nailed a one armed cartwheel. lol

We're experiencing the exact same thing in our house and my son is already 9 months old. Other moms I've talked to say it takes about a year to 18 months for siblings to adjust to the change. Seems like a long time to me!

We do everything on your list, but here a few other things we do to try to ease the transition:
-Take the other sibling(s) out and leave the baby at home (even if it's just going to the grocery store)
-Put together projects at home or buy art supplies/puzzle presents that only "big kids" can participate in (emphasizing "the baby is too little to do this")
-When the baby naps, engage in a "big kid activity" or something that makes the older sibling(s) feel special
-Emphasize the differences in babies and big kids in a way to make the older sibling(s) feel important and grown up (e.g., the baby can only eat baby mushy food but you get to eat french fries/sandwiches; the baby has to sleep in a crib, but you get a cool bed with a pillow and comforter; the baby has to be pushed around in a stroller, but you get to run around and play/ride a bike/go swimming; the baby has to take a nap, but you don't)
-Let the older sibling(s) get all of the Grandma (or other relative) love and attention because the infant won't be jealous until s/he's older!

Hope some of these help you and good luck!
T. M.
http://www.theoutlawmom.com

My 7 year old loved her brother from the second they met (they have a special bond, those two)... my 5 year old, the middle child, had a tough time adjusting to not being the baby anymore. She was thrilled to be a big sister, but was very conflicted. She loves her brother but I think she was mad at me for a while. Best thing to do is prepare the older kiddos before baby even comes. You already know that you don't divide your love among your kids, your love multiplies :) Keep doing what you're doing and be understanding and sensitive to the older kids feelings. Talk with them. I had my 5 year old see the guidance counselor (which gave me insight as well). She's not acting out anymore. It took her about 6-7 months to really adjust well. Now, she's my very good most best helper (that's what she calls herself, LOL) with the baby :) The 7 year old too. They're both just great! I'm a lucky mom :)

My daughter was 3 going on 4, when my son was born.
She adjusted GREAT.

What I did is:
PRIOR to her baby brother coming home, I explained to her what a baby is and what they do. They wake, they cry, I breastfeed, and MOMMY will take care of baby, she does not have to worry.
SHE will have her own same routines too.
I also explained to her, each month, how her baby brother is developing and changing. That he cannot do what she does or understand things like her. At each stage of development... I explained things to her. So that she could understand. And this really helped. Even during the Toddler phases of tantrums etc., I explained things to her, about how he is developing. And why and how come.

Even when I was pregnant with my son, I spent my entire pregnancy, prepping my daughter about it, let her 'bond' with her baby brother even while he was in my tummy etc. So she already felt close to him, even before he was born.

I explained to her, that she CAN tell me how she feels, or any problems or concerns, I am always there for her. She is STILL my "first" baby.
I also explained to her, that I know she is still a little child herself, so I do not "expect" her to suddenly be all grown up. She has needs too. Mommy knows that. She can still be herself. And I do not expect her to share everything. SHE can decide, what to share or not, with her sibling.

I also told her, that if she wants alone time, to tell me. I do not expect her to be patient all the time. Even Mommy gets tired or hearing a baby cry is hard. I told her she CAN tell me, anything.

I also made up a special handshake with my daughter and head nod. That we could do, just the 2 of us, and it was our way of acknowledging each other, even if we were across the room from each other. It was 'our' way to make sure each other was okay.

My daughter, also LOVED to just sit and chat with me about anything. that was her way to 'bond' with me and regroup. "Doing" things with her or just busy things... did not always cut it with her. She 'needed' ME there, to just chat and hear her and so she could tell me her thoughts/feelings/tell me about her day etc.

AND even at that age, my daughter "helped" with her baby brother. In her own way. I let her. It made her feel important.

all the best,
Susan

Enlist other important adults in their lives to help! Aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, neighbors... these people can be very helpful in making your older children feel important. They can take them to do something special or they can watch the baby so you have time to take the older kids out!