My fiance pointed out that I let my kids walk all over me and its true. My 7 year old got up 3 times last night after she went to bed 2 times for a drink of water, and once to ask if she can go to the bathroom and i have told her before that bedtime is bedtime no getting out of bed. My 13 year got to choose what was for dinner on tuesday night - we eat fast food 1 night a week she chose mcdonald and then when I brought it home and called her to tell her it was home she stayed at her friends house an extra 30 minutes and I had to call her and tell her to come home to eat it and she didn't until 10 minutes later. They also constantly fuss about the chores they have ie walking dog, cleaning room. they argue about what to watch on TV talk back when i tell them to do stuff- trying to get out of it. I have been punishing my 13 old more for talking back and purposefully disobeying but I tend to be strict for a short period of time and then "let things go". My question is how do you do it? Stay consistent on the rules without going crazy? Its not that I like them getting up several times a night or not listening to me or agruing with me but I don't like conflict I never have and I tend to avoid it =( its one of my faults I know...
Thank you for the good ideas! I know I need a backbone! I am thinking of writing everything on a calendar nad giving myself rewards for being tough!
YokaReeder.com- keeps me sane.
She has the common sense- that I don't have- and then I listen to her- and it all makes sense.
Best, k
One word: "NO".
3 words: "Who's the parent?"
okay, it works for kids.....so how about trying a reward system for yourself? !!
I know it sounds crazy, but to help reaffirm your need to stand strong...it might just help! Make it fun, label it the "Good Mom" chart, & watch the sparks fly when you put a sticker on your chart for being a strong Mom!! That'll get the kids attention....& when they see you reward yourself at the end of the week.....maybe they'll just jump on board!
I know this sounds twisted & warped, but humor goes a loooong way when dealing with kids & trying to turn their behavior around! Good Luck!
Just one set of thoughts...
- Conflict isn't a bad thing (as long as it isn't violent), so get over that notion
- Kids don't know limits unless you set them and stick to them
- Being a parent isn't easy and no one ever said it would be, so buck-up, set limits and don't cave. Really, it's that simple. Yes, there will be yelling. Yes, there will be tantruming. Yes, the 13 yr old will swear she hates you.
Your kids know that if they simply ignore you, you will eventually go away so they do and you do. Make the choice to change YOUR behavior and theirs will change accordingly over time.
You are going to have to take back control of the house. When a child doesn't do something on his/her chore list the next time they asked for something they don't get it. Arguing about what is on TV is a no brainer, it gets turned off period. Your daughter not coming home when you told her about her food, well the dog or the trash gets it and she goes to be hungry.
Don't nag them as they are getting old enough to be responsible for themselves. I don't think you are going to be there when they move from home. If their laundry is dirty, they should learn how to wash and dry their clothes and pick up after theirselves.
When you make the rules you stand by them and don't back down. You are the parent and they are the children. You are not a friend to them until they are 18 or so. Grow a backbone and say NO and mean it no matter how much they complain. They will eventually come around. We set examples of what will be expected in the work world and they think they will be able to do as they chose. This is why the boss says "you're fired!" because you can't follow the company rules.
Good luck in turning around your household.
The other S.
I don't know if this is entirely "Your fault." They are their own people and they are kids. They are going to test their boundries. It is your job to set those and trust me, very few parents are consistent 100% of the time. Because we are human, too!
What does help me with discipline is having a plan (plan of conduct, dinner routine, chores, etc) and then I decide what I really care about (hot button issues for me, not my husband - he enforces his and we support one another) and lay down the law. I am not that big on kids cleaning their rooms daily. Evey two weeks is fine with me. BUT I hate having toys, their stuff in the family areas. They get picked up immediately or they go to garage sale pile. The do have a chance to "earn it back" in the following 4 weeks and if they don't it is gone.
only to say, choose the things that really matter, that will motivate you to follow through all the time, everytime and tell your kids what those expectations are and then do your duty. Oh and set reasonable consequences. I do not tell my children are car trips that I am going to pull this car over or turn it around - because I won't and I can't!! LOL! but I do tell them they will have to forgoe their car treats (chips or beef jerky) and I know I will follow through with that.
FYI: I do not consider this walking all over you, just a little lapse in discipline and kids being kids.:)
That said, if my child pulled the late for dinner, I'd say "You have 5 min to get here, or the garbage is getting your meal and you can have soup or nothing. Your choice! " LOL!!
It's fine line, trying to be a consistent disciplinarian without becoming a tyrant. It doesn't sound like your kids are out of control, so you must be doing a pretty good job. (I mean, everybody's kids fuss about doing chores!)
However, if you can start being more consistent with your discipline now, it will definitely improve behavior, especially in your younger kids. Set up a discipline plan, and let the kids help you craft it. Set up rules and consequences for breaking the rules. Then, momma, stick to it!
If you've never been particularly strict with your 13 year old, it may be too late to start cracking down now. She may resent your sudden "strictness" and instead, become more oppositional.
You may need to cut a deal with the 13 year old. Give her an incentive for following your rules. If she becomes more agreeable, perhaps you can give her an i-Tunes card or some other prize. Set out some specific ways she can earn it.
My teens try to get out of doing their chores. If they have a good excuse for not getting to it that night i will let them have a shot at doing it right away the next day plus their other chores. This week I wrote on the calendar what they did on each day so when they argue about how much they did, it will be right there. Plus they will see that I recognized what they did. They will get full allowance if they did all of their chores and less if not everything. If they did all their chores plus they did shovel yesterday, I will give a little extra. They always say I never gave them their allowance. I don't if they don't earn it, but I am always buying them things and I asked my daughter "excuse me but what did I all buy you at the store last week"? A pair of jeans, 2 shirts, make up, hairspray and accessories plus headphones. I said that is way more than any allowance and if you went to the store with me more you would get new clothes too. Don't complain that I don't buy you things because I do and if you don't come with then it's hard for me to pick the right sizes. My son said he couldn't go to school this morning because he didn't have any clean pants. It was my fault. I saw a pile of dirty clothes in his room yesterday but he hollars when I go in there so I just waited for him to bring it up to me. I told him to put shorts on then and off we went. He was late and I said I wasn't calling him in because it wasn't my fault it was his. Tell your daughter next time she doesn't come right when you call her that her food will be given away and she will be grounded from her friend for a week.
Kids will always push their limits and know what they can get away with. Stick to your guns. In the long run every one will be happier including you. If you tell your daugher she is grounded for a week stick with it. If they get allowance then tell them no chores,no allowance. Do not every let them know they are making you crazy. Be firm but fair. Stay calm if you can. Tell them this is how it is and I am the boss.
