Just Lost It on My Messy Kids!

Yep they should be cleaning after themselves. Maybe not washing dishes, but if they drop crackers they can certainly get a broom and clean it up. I doubt you will accomplish this without a little verbal push, but they need to do it.

Yes, those boys are waaaaay old enough to help around the house.

If they don't flush twice, make them plunge themselves, or at least sit in there with you while you do the plunging.

I have resorted to one word commands w/my husband and 6 yo. "Clothes" means to put any clothing items in the nearest laundry basket. Same thing w/ "towels" or "toys" or "books". If they leave food out or things on the counter I just ask "kitchen?".

As for any clothes/toys left on the floor, tell them anything left on the floor when they go to bed is going in the trash. Then after they go to bed, start throwing things in a clear garbage bag and put it by the door. When they wake up in the morning, they'll see it and see you mean business. Send them off to school thinking you are throwing their stuff away but really stash it somewhere...well, pull the clothes out and wash them, just hide them somewhere. It shouldn't take more than one or two tries for them to figure out you are serious about putting things away, so after a week or so of them actually putting their stuff away, give their toys back.

If they are that messy when they eat, just have each one sweep or vacuum the floor each night before bed. If they don't like it, tell them it will end once they can learn to keep food droppings on their plate or pick something up if they drop it.

When they get anything new, before it enters the house, ask them where they plan on keeping it when its time to clean up. That way they can see in their heads where it needs to go before they even get it home and will know exactly where to put it when you do say its time to clean up.

That is their home too. They need to help take care of it and their things.

I skimmed your responses. First, I pardon you from your outburst. It happens. It shows them Mama means business and life isn't perfect and can be wearing. (You obviously don't do it often, so it makes it point when it happens.)

Secondly, I love your tour idea. Things need to be pointed out.

Now, after everyone has had a night of sleep apologize for your outburst in the morning. Tell them you will have a family meeting to discuss a better course of action when at dinner. Tell them to put on their thinking caps for some solutions and be prepared with them at dinner.

At dinner, discuss how everyone needs to step up and how your job doesn't mean you are the servant. Have prepared a list of everything you do. I mean it! Hubby needs to hear/see it, too.

After dinner decide if you all are ready to come to a new way of life. If not, plan another day to do this. Maybe some time on Saturday morning?

When you ask the kids what needs to happen to make life easier, they will come up with the right responses. Hold them to it. They will have more accountability when THEY come up with the answer.

Chart it and give positive reinforcements (and/or allowance) to keep them at it.

Good luck Mama! If you are an addict to Starbucks (like I am), I give you permission to go get an over expensive cup o'crack. (I swear they put crack in their drinks....how else do they get people to pay those prices!?!?)

Tip:
As well as explaining to them for the umpteenth time, about cleaning up after themselves.
TELL them... how they make you feel. Frustrated, stressed... and that they are not being a "Team."
That Mommy is frazzled and you are going into the next room... to take a break.
That they NEED to care about Mommy too.... because you care about them. That taking care of them, also means, that THEY take care of others too... and to do so, when they SEE that things are not a good day.
Sometimes, EVERYONE needs extra help.
It is, family.
They need to have your back, just as you do for them.

Then, leave things as is.
Take photos of it.
Show Hubby.
Explain it was a bad day.
Everyone is human.
BUT, you are not going to blow yourself up, over it... and that you need a break.

Sit on the sofa.
Ask your boys... to reflect. Quietly.
Then, write down... 3 things about how they think they can help you... next time. Or even tonight, before they go to bed.

Next: Your HUSBAND also has to have your back... and REINFORCE what you need them, to do, and that they should be respecting you.
AND that, you have 3 kids one of whom is a baby... and that, they are RESPONSIBLE for helping in the home and helping Mommy. It is not a choice. It is just the way it is.
THEY don't make the rules.
AND that, Mommy, will be telling Daddy... EACH day... how they did.
DOCUMENT it and write it down in a list if you have to.... of what they are doing and NOT doing.
Then show, Daddy.
AND tell your Kids, that that is what you are doing.
And do it.
Follow through.

No you are definitely not asking too much from a 6 and 8 year-old by requesting that they follow the house rules - no eating away from the table, put your clothes in the laundry basket/hamper/designated area, flush after using the toilet. Obviously there aren't consistent firm consequences, because they think your rules are no big deal. In my house I take away fun privileges for blatant disregard of our rules.

I can't give you any perfect answers, but in our house, until the job gets done, play can't start.

In your case, have them clean it up. Every day, no tv, no games until all the jobs are done that are assigned. Perhaps it's time for your boys to have some daily jobs. Your eldest can sweep the floor after a messy meal. No playing until it's done. If he argues, time out in a chair, not time in his room.

Same with the younger one: he can be responsible for making sure dirty clothes on the bathroom floor make it into the laundry. Same thing goes: you can sit in a chair until you are ready to do it.

Ignore the whining. Yeah, you might be a 'mean mom'. So what? Their wives will thank you later.

Love and Logic-style: when they make you spend time plunging their BM clogged toilet, clock that time. Then they can spend that time doing tasks you need help with. Even if it's only five minutes, let that five minutes be when you need them. If you have to drop everything for them because they don't want to remember about flushing, they need to come when you call.

This might sound a bit harsh, but they need to step up. If you do it all for them, you are just going to keep being mad and they will continue to blame you for being mad at them. Kids. That's just how they are wired, right?

I feel your upset and anger. Talk to them when you aren't angry and explain the new way of things. Be clear with them what is expected, and what the consequence will be. (I am sure you probably already have, however, it's worth making a clear chart if possible and trying again.) Explain that if they choose to take forever to do what is asked of them, then their playtime will be delayed. In short, make this their problem, not yours, whenever it's reasonable to. Six and eight are old enough to sweep, clean up after their play, put their clothes away (be it hamper or drawer) and to take care of their messes. They could have chosen to sit down with their food, but they disobeyed you and didn't. Their mess, not yours.

I have a four year old, and we are working hard at being consistent with him in some of these areas. We do help him by giving him helpful directions (and only one task at a time), but I do expect him to do it.

Hope that helps.

On one hand, it never really gets any better. On the other hand, never stop trying. These boys will grow up to be men and husbands. You are doing your future daughter-in-law a wonderful service.

My boys are close in age too but by 6 and 8 they were picking up after themselves and helping around the house. You're just having a rough time right now. SAHM is pretty rough, you sometimes feel undervalued. Just take a deep breath and start over. Can you take a walk with the baby in a stroller while the boys are in school? You need to get out of that house, that will help your frame of mind.

Regarding the boys picking up...mine were motivated by the fact that if they didn't do their part, they would not be able to ....(you fill in the blank). That was a huge motivator cause they each had the thing they wanted to do after school.

Good luck...just breathe and know that you're not alone! Don't minimize the work you do. I think raising good kids is a HUGE feat...

Just read Jill's advice and I have to disagree! There is no need to apologize. Raising your voice is nothing to be sorry for if they are not listening. I would rather just reiterate the importance of them helping out. I made accountability charts for my kids the other day. I bought two small white boards and used permanent marker to make a chart and with the dry erase markers to fill in the blanks. They have a place to check each item they have accomplished for everyday of the week. Each week I will change out their chores. They are 5&7, so the chores are pretty basic for now. Set table, put away laundry, feed fish, etc. The chart also accounts for getting ready before school.

Your boys are very young so be aware of that. My girls are 13 and 16 and I still have to fuss at them. That being said I think every kid should think their mom is a little crazy and can blow if given enough provocation. Most likely your boys are just being children. Self involved and not really paying attention to how they are affecting the running of the household. And that truly should be every childs job. To have fun, study hard and love your family. Believe it or not,, and I know you will probally scoff at this notion, but one day very soon , you will long for those crumbs to sweep away. One day your child is giving you fits, you turn around and they are juniors in high school. As I have said before,,, " What would be important if you had two weeks to live? " I have talked with many dying patients. EVERY ONE wished for more time with their family. EVERY ONE.. Not one wished for a cleaner house. Watch your boys while they sleep. Smell their hair you wil crave that smell in years to come. And remember that you are only human and you love them as do they you.

You don't mention if your sons both have specific chore charts. Just telling them "clean up" or saying verbally "flush" or "put your clothes here" isn't working. They are both old enough to have written chore charts to keep track of what they are assigned to do, rewards when they do it and consequences when they don't.

Remember, telling kids this age to "clean up" does no good. They get totally overwhelmed by that statement because it tells them nothing -- what does it mean? So they do nothing. They need specifics. So create a separate chart for each one with his own daily and weekly chores. If that has to include "clothes in hamper before bedtime" each day, fine. If it has to include a box for "forgot to flush" where they get a red X if they forget (and lose a privilege the next day for forgetting today), so be it. But most of all, set them up for some success -- give son 1 the chore of taking out the trash on Wed. and Sat., for instance, and son 2 the chore of sweeping the floor Mon and Thurs, whatever you need. Praise them a LOT for what they get done and have a written reward system -- one week of doing all chores etc. on the assigned day gets them...An hour of extra TV? A trip to the arcade? Whatever motivates them most. Failing to do one chore? They lose an hour of TV or whatever will spur them most to do it next time. Failing two chores? Find a consequence that they feel even more, like losing an outing. You will need to sit down and think and plan all this out BEFORE you ever approach them with it, or they will sense it's being made up on the fly. And -- don't go overboard with tons of chores or daily obligations. They are still fairly young and will get overwhelmed and...do nothing.

To answer your question -- yes, it is expecting too much for them to "pick up after themselves" if what they are told is just "Pick up after yourselves." But it is not expecting too much to have them doing assigned chores they clearly know about, on charts they see every single day (post the charts somewhere they cannot ever miss them).

Try backing up (sometimes you have to take a step or two back!), and taking these things one at a time.

You might start with the toilet-flushing. That doesn't mean you let the other things go, but this is the thing you're focused on. "Thank you for flushing the toilet completely just now, Ben. That makes the bathroom nicer for the whole family." Say that whenever it happens. Maybe you'll get sick of saying it before they're sick of hearing it. (To a child, it seems like a million years before the tank is filled and toilet is ready to flush a second time. Could that be part of the problem?)

It could be that accentuating the positive instead of blowing your top might (repeat: might) get better results for a while.

When that starts being a standard operation for *you*, start looking at the clothing. "Thank you that you made sure you got your socks into the..." into the what? Is there a clothes hamper in the bathroom? Baskets in their rooms? "Thank you for getting your socks in there." Maybe a few nights later you'll say, "Thank you for getting your underwear and your shirt in there!" There may be a pile on the floor, but notice the good stuff and comment on it.

This means more discipline for you - it's easier to blow your cool than to watch for the few good things being done in the midst of the mess. On the other hand, you're teaching them at the same time how to be leaders when they're older. When your boy is captain of the soccer team, he may be less likely to scream at the other players because he remembers that his mama taught him a different way.

I can tell how tired you are! I wish I could give you a hug, sit you down, and fix you a cup of tea (and maybe a nice piece of chocolate cake). All mamas have times like this. Be sure to hug each one of your children and tell them that you love them all to pieces tonight (or tomorrow night, if they're already in bed now).

You are not expecting too much per say... But I would focus on the teaching role a bit more. Have them practice the proper behavior several times until they don't need help/coaching anymore. Make a wall chart for their chores so they can see a picture of what they need to do at each point in the day - this makes them feel in control!!! Reward good behavior, any positive improvement should be rewarded, even if they have a long way to go. My mom didn't do this, so there was never a reward, and I don't remember too many coaching sessions, just lectures on why it was done wrong. This didn't teach me anything but giving up and thinking her demands were too big.

Best wishes, you will not regret investing this time with them (and their wives will bless you!!!)

I suggest not losing it. You are stressed because you are busy, tired, have a sick baby, hubby is working long hours but the cracker crumbs put you over the edge and I'm assuming you didn't use this as a learning experience for them. I always asked my daughter to follow by rules and explained that it is extra work for me or something in the house can break down (I didn't have bad plumming though). Sometimes it is so beneficial to work as a team, be respectful and not lose control. Hope you get some rest soon!