Just a Phase?

Updated on July 05, 2010
B.L. asks from Fairfield, CT
8 answers

My 3-year-old son is definitely a mamma's boy, but recently I've noticed that he's been particularly clingy. His baby sister joined us about 7-months ago & he's been a great big brother & truly adores his little sister. We went through the expected jealousy issues early on, but he seems to be sharing mommy rather well overall. The problem I'm having has more to do with the way he interacts with his daddy. He won't let him help him with the things he's used to mommy doing...like taking him to the bathroom, getting him ready for bed, etc. When I was reading a book to him today, a conversation led to the revelation that he doesn't think his daddy loves him & he doesn't love his daddy. I'm really upset by this, but my husband thinks it's just a phase. Any thoughts?

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S.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

No. Don't take this so hard. My son who is three as well is in the same boat. He is very loving to our 1 year old, and appreciates and cuddles with his daddy, but really prefers me. I try to give him all the love and adoration plus some (with intent), and he still fights over being helped to the potty by daddy or daddy getting him a string cheese from the refrigerator. We have established that daddy can help or he can wait until I can, or forego the thing...

I am always very careful when talking to my children about super sensitive things. I don't ever want to lead them or suggest something, or even sum something up for them as I don't want to place any ideas. I'm sure you're careful and thoughtful as well, but just an additional thought.

Enjoy those babies!

2 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from San Antonio on

totallly normal for a 3 yo. my boy is just like that. it is a control issue, deciding who does what for him. he's seeing how he can control his life and his environment. my boy is also into the "you don't love me" and "I don't love you" stuff occasionally. he doesn't mean it, he's guaging our reaction. roll with it and be patient. give in to his requests when reasonable, but be firm when they are not. don't worry.

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V.G.

answers from Portland on

Definitely a natural phase that I think all boys and girls go through. I remember reading in my psychology book that around the age of 4 boys and girls gradually start bonding more with the same-sex parents and really start identifying with them.
I'd just say ignore it for the most part- and always tell him that daddy loves him more than anything. Even if he doesn't acknowledge it, he'll know it. :)
And really enjoy your time together- because soon he's gonna want to be with daddy all the time! :)

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A.D.

answers from New York on

A definite phase, and it may be harder on you than your husband. My daughter was completely like this. I had to tell her the 3 of us were a team and we had to all help each other. Sometimes mommy will read you bedtime stories (or whatever the task at hand was), and sometimes daddy will. If she had it her way, I would have to do every single thing, and 3yos are painfully stubborn.

She will still "rank" how much she loves each of us and her grandparents and other relatives. Dad usually ranks above most of the relatives except her one grandmother, but unless she's mad at me for something I'm number one. When she was at her most stubborn period I would just tell her mommy and daddy love you very much.

He will grow out of it. I think kids are just more in tune with how women show emotion and nurture and I think most men are less vocal about love and more vocal (and less empathetic) during discipline.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Kids go through stages of preferring one parent, then the other. It happens regardless of the kid's gender, whether they have a sibling, etc. I would say to make sure that your son and dad spend more time together without you. Find reasons to go out for the evening, so son will have no choice but for dad to make his dinner, give him a bath and put him to bed, or they can spend a weekend day together either at home or having an outing to the zoo, water park, etc.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Good for your husband, for not taking this personally. That says a lot for him as a parent.

You don't say your husband is a bad parent, so yes, it's a phase.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Yup. A phase. Kids are so honest and lacking in tact. Please let him own his feelings, and don't try to manipulate or guilt him into saying his loves anybody. Give him a few months, and he'll probably prefer Daddy. Till he prefers you again. And don't be surprised if at some point he decides his sister is for the birds, at least some of the time.

I'm glad your husband is apparently handling this well. Good daddy!

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J.C.

answers from Sacramento on

This is a phase for sure and I imagine that its due to the new baby. Do be sure that you and Daddy are spending special one on time time with your son when the baby is napping each day. I think at this age his behavior is not unusual, he is starting to separate a little from mom and is less dependent on you. He can do more things for himself. As for saying that he doesnt think Daddy loves him or he ldoesn't oves Daddy I wouldnt put any stock in it. Heres a similar story for you. My daugther came to me early on in her 3's one morning and said ,"You know I love Daddy best." It was unprovoked, we had been having a good morning and I had not put her in a time out or done anything that morning that visibly upset her. I thought about it for a split 2nd then told her that I was very happy she loved Daddy so much and that she is so lucky he is a special Daddy. Some moms would have had to dry their eyes then remove the dagger from their hearts been pretty upset, but I just let it go. After over 10 yrs now we still laugh about this comment she made and guess what, she and her Dad are very close and always have been. I have never let it bother me. She is a great kid and we love her so much. Your husband is right, its a phase so let it go.

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