Jekyll and Hyde

I really like Love and Logic. Could get the books and the library. The PTA offers a love and logic class once a month for a few months at the beginning of every school year.

Pre-school or Mother's Day Out are wonderful programs so that mom's can get a little break....lol.

In a year he'll be starting pre-K and he'll be gone some of each day. These programs are also a good way to help you get used to him being away from home.

You are trying too many things and expecting too many results. The child is confused. He is 3. His job is to say "no".

Choose your battles. Decide what is most important. Pick 2 things you need him to listen to you about. Only 2, just for now. Maybe one is cleaning up the family room floor, and one is sitting at the table without throwing food. I don't know what's most appropriate, but you do. I'm not sure what you are asking him to do but make sure it's a simple task. Kids that age don't understand "clean your room" - they can understand "pick up the blocks and put them in the bin" (ONE task) especially if it's followed by "Here, I'll help. Let's do it together. As soon as we are done, we can ______." Then if he doesn't, you can say, "Okay, we'll do ________ another day then, but we're still cleaning up the blocks." If he still doesn't cooperate, ignore him. If it's something that really needs to be done because (for example) the craft project is on the kitchen table and it needs to be cleaned off for dinner, then you do it but in about 2 minutes he will want something. You say, "I'm sorry, but I had to clean up the craft project alone, so there's no time left for me to play with you. Maybe next time you will help me clean and then we will have time to play." Do this every time.

Stop spanking him. I'm sorry - he's just learning that hitting is the way people get their way. He will start hitting other kids, particularly those who are smaller than he is. He is learning to be afraid rather than to respect you.

I agree that you need to get away from the frustration and get a philosophy under your belt. If "Love and Logic" meets with your approval, fine. But then STICK TO IT. This child has no consistency because you are trying so many things and just getting aggravated.

If by "saying something 15 times" you mean you are repeating it in rapid succession, stop. If you mean you are saying it on 15 different occasions and he's still not getting it, then you have to change how you say it and you have to have consequences. The consequences need to be immediate - you cannot tell a 3 year old now that he will lose a privilege tomorrow or next weekend. He can't associate this moment's actions with delayed consequences.

If time outs don't work because you are sitting there trying to hold him in a time out chair, I get that. He needs to be separated from you so that he is deprived of your company and you are separated from the aggravation that is exhausting you. He goes in his room and the door is closed. Put a child-proof doorknob cover on the door so he can't get out. He's 3 so start with 3 minutes. Let him out and CALMLY say you hope he is ready to do whatever it is that was the problem. Be happy to see him. If he doesn't cooperate, he goes back in for 4 minutes. Next time 5 minutes. Make it clear that he's in there to become calm. No yelling, no spanking, no chatter about how naughty he is and how you're the mother and he has to listen. No long lectures - THAT becomes the subject of his focus and not the "offense".

That's how I did it. My son has a pain in the stores, standing up in the shopping cart or trying to get out of the harness, or (worse) headbutting me when I was close to the kiddie seat - so we just left and I put him in the carseat and headed home. Yes it was a pain to not finish my errands but I just left the cart with a clerk and apologized that my son was having a meltdown. If he fussed in the car, I stopped the car in a safe place like a parking lot, told him I didn't want to hear the screaming and was stopping until he got quiet. I got out, stood where he could see me but I couldn't hear him, and I just read a book or worked a crossword puzzle. 3 minutes. Seems like an eternity to a 3 year old, believe me. Then I got back in the car and said I hoped he was done screaming and kicking the back of my seat. We'd start on our way again. If he acted up again, I repeated my same words, and did the same action. I had to be patient and know that the first time wouldn't work, but repeated times would eventually. I did not scream back at him because I was trying to teach him to control himself - so my losing control was not an appropriate option.

If you find a technique in a parenting book that you like better, fine. Just stick with it. Don't keep switching things - he's only 3 and he's getting confused about what you expect. Remember that, underneath it all, he wants to please you.

And maybe it will help to know that, when he is a teenager, he will drive you so crazy that you will yearn for the days when he was 3 and you still had some control over him! Seriously, anything you learn now will be very useful later on!

Other things that worked for me:
Use a timer and clock. When the timer goes off it's time to stop this or start this or....whatever. When the clock says 7:00 it is bath time. When the clock says 8:00 it is bedtime. This gives them the sense that Mommy isnt calling all the shots, it just IS time for ___.
Make a game out of everything! Can you put your pants on before I brush my teeth? Let him win! Can you put away the blocks before I put away the books?

Stop asking him to do things. No is the stage he is in, but you can outwit him. He just realized he is his own person, not an extension of mommy, and now he wants control over his life. Instead of asking him to get his shoes, ask him if he wants to get the sneakers or the sandals. Ask him if he wants to use the bathroom upstairs or downstairs. Find a way to make everything a choice, not a yes no situation. I never said "it's bath time" I always asked my son if he wanted mommy to give him a bath or daddy even though he chose mommy 100% of the time. Which toothbrush? which cup? which shirt? put the shirt on alone or with help? daddy help with shoes or mommy? carrots or peas? sit for dinner next to mommy or daddy? Keep his little mind so busy busy making decisions he feels he is in control. Retrain yourself to make everything two choices, when he is four you can worry about making him more cooperative. Dont worry about creating an obedient child, create a decision maker!!

It's a hard age. But the worst thing you can do is engage in power struggles, and it sounds like you two are doing the dance (I did this with my oldest).

This is how I handle my son 3 year old. When I ask him to do something, and he refuses, i remind him that he shouldn't' talk to mommy that way, and then I ask him a question," do you want to brush your teeth or sit on the stairs?" (my kids sit on the stairs for a TO). If he then says "neither," I tell him he can go outside until he is ready to cooperate. A bit harsh, but I only had to do it 2-3 times. I needed to remove the audience (me), and so i thought letting him sit outside on the deck was the best option.

After doing this a few times, he has decided to do what I ask. In fact, yesterday he said "no" to an options question, and I just said, "do you want to go outside?' and his response was "OK mommy, I'll go do X." The key is to find some place to put him that removes the audience (you). He's after attention, so if you remove the attention, the fun ends. To a 3 year old, a power struggle is a fun way to get mommy's attention. So if you ignore, they realize that being their sweet self is a better strategy for getting what they really want.

If I ask him to pick something up and he doesn't, I just pick it up and put it in a TO. If I ask him to clear his place setting and he doesn't, he doesn't have his favorite cups, etc. for the next meal.

Another technique is to make what he wants contingent upon what you want him to do. "When you have brushed your teeth, you can have another book."

Also, it's really important to empower him. "Do you want to turn it on, or shall I?" So offer up lots and lots of choices..and make sure you have lots of quality cuddle time everyday. Also, do not repeat yourself. if you ask him to do something and he ignores you, go to him, look him in the face, touch him, and ask again. 3 year olds don't listen well if they don't give you their full attention, so touch is very, very, very important to get them to listen. If you are still ignored, then TO place.

The 3s really don't have to be horrible. The key is this: when they stick their middle finger up at you (my metaphor for the beast inside our sweet little 3 year olds), you don't blink. Instead, you ignore, stand your ground, and don't get sucked in.

Edit to add: What you are seeing B. is normal three year old independence. This is a big age for separating further from mommy. This is all good! They do this by refusing to do their normal things. They do this to feel control and power. So, you need to offer up lots of situations where he can feel control and power. Lots of options...I only stand firm when it is something that he absolutely needs to do. But to get cooperation, you have to give cooperation...So I let my 3 year old do everything by himself (with my help) that I think he can do. He gets his own water, for instance, and his own utensils for meals. I let him use the spoon to get his own peas with dinner, cut his own butter, etc. yes I have to help, but all these little things empower, so when you ask something of him, he doesn't' feel the need to say No to feel empowered. His room is designed so that he can get dressed without any help from me, etc.

The secret to discipline is easy, doing the right thing has to be the easiest path. How that looks changes with each action but if you look at everything as how do I make this behavior hard it becomes easy.

For my oldest that looked like drawing a line in the sand and saying it will not be crossed. I had to watch his every move, I had to praise every time I caught him for five minutes doing something right and I had to make sure he did not break a single rule by being a physical barrier. Myself, not child locks, not the dog, not your husband when he gets home, I was the barrier. After about a month of being VERY tired he accepted doing what I wanted was the easiest path to happiness.

He was three, my second was one, it was so strict my daughter never set a toe out of line her whole life because apparently to an outside observer, what her brother went through looked like twenty levels of hell and not fun at all.
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Looking at your answer, odd, why do you wait till the end of the day to clean up his toys? Do you have any idea what that mess looks like to a three year old? He is done, oh, are you finished playing? Clean it up before you go to another toy. You should be watching him close enough that you catch the minute he stops playing and it must be cleaned up before he can do anything else. See by doing that he learns it is easier to clean up his toys without you asking than go through that dance.

It is all very logical, common sense.

You've gotten great advice here - love Diane and Flaming Turnip's answers - they make so much sense.

The more frustrated you get, the more he will push your buttons.

Love and Logic is fantastic for kids who want to "be their own person" - which is our job anyway, it's just harder to do. The goal is making good choices and teaching them to do this from a young age where the impact of their "bad" choices is not dangerous (usually; unlike teen years where choices are entering the areas of social behavior, sexual behavior, drugs, etc.).

At this age, you have your goal - bathtime. He may not want to, BUT if you have him choose WHEN (before/after playing x or watching x), or HOW (bubblebath or no), or WHAT (bath or shower), then HE has control of what's going on - AND you have control of the outcome. Use this for every possible thing you can - his clothes (2 choices), doing what you ask (before/after, now or in 5 minutes), leaving the park (now or 15 minutes), etc.

It takes work and thought, but it's worth it. loveandlogic.com - ask about facilitators in your area. Sometimes schools have classes for cheap or free.

We had the Terrible 3s too. They don't last, I swear.

With my son, I did have good results from putting his toys where he could see them but couldn't reach them. As soon as a tantrum started (not when it was full blast, when it was just gearing up), I put one of his Thomas trains on top of the fridge. As soon as he got his act together, the train came back.

The great thing about this was that it gave my son control -- he could get a train back as soon as he showed good behavior -- but his control came from being GOOD.

My other piece of advice is that your (perfectly understandable) frustration and exhaustion are probably revving up your son's behavior some. 3s really pick up on emotional signals from parents, and if you show (understandable) end-of-rope emotions, he's going to take that as a signal that, wow, my angry, defiant feelings are a huge, important big deal. That'll make it harder for him to reach a point of self-control.

My advice to you is give yourself a time-out. Sign him up for a playgroup, get a sitter for an hour or two, whatever you can make work. And when you're with him, the more you can fake some calm (you don't have to feel it, just fake it), the more he'll be able to calm his defiance down.

This doesn't mean his outbursts are your fault or that you're in any way responsible. EVERY parent goes through this, I swear.

Oh, and you might also look into signing him up for preschool for an hour or two a week. If you're locked in a battle of wills, sometimes it's really effective to introduce some outside structure.

is that you posting to your own question??? how do you do that??? and WHY??

quit driving yourself nuts-completely ignore him-really it works..as a single parent-i tried this as my last resort-works like a charm..hell come around

Maybe you are expecting too much from him. He shouldn't really have chores at that age, other than possibly picking up a little, with mom's help. What are all these things that you are wanting him to do? It's been a while since my kids were three, but at that age aren't they supposed to mostly eat, sleep and play?

Other than maybe lessening your expectations of him, use natural consequences, and don't engage in power struggles.

If he won't eat -- no food till next meal. If he acts up -- put him in time out for a little bit.

You shouldn't be doing a lot of talking with your discipline, it's not necessary and it will just overwhelm him.

I think you should watch a few episodes of Super Nanny to help you visualize and absorb some good tips.

I like the way Julie says to "remove the audience." Well put and very good idea.

i was going to answer, but diane b said it all perfectly.
khairete
S.

I'm sure you've gotten some good advice, but my 2 cents is:
Don't ask. Tell.

Don't ask him if he wants to do have a bath. Tell him it's time to have a bath. Then ask him if he wants to play with his duck or his turtle during bath.

Good luck!

He doesn't have chores. I ask him to brush his teeth, pick out a book at bedtime, put his shoes on for daycare, put away his toys at the end of the day. All things that a three year old is capable of and since he was doing all of those things at 2, I'm struggling with why he "can't" do them at three. I've actually used many super nanny methods including consistency, with no success. Just wanting to know if anyone else is in my position and what they've had success with.

Terrible 2's is a total misnomer...it really the Thunderous Threes.

He's busy being 3 and "no" is a 3 year old's favorite word just because they're 3. Pick your battles and some times you have to ignore him (so long as it's not something dangerous); that's fairly effective. And time outs are good for both mom and child....gives you both a time regroup and calm down...

good luck