Jealous Friends

Some people are just not happy with themselves and they do not want to accept responsibility for anything. I would just not hang around much.

"Hmmm...what do you mean by that?"

That's my default question when I think people need to have a second 'think' about what they are saying. Jealousy is ugly. People forget that our situations are all temporary....at any moment, it can all change.

"I feel very hurt because I want the best for you, and I feel that you seem upset/angry with me at times." Honest "I feel X because...." statements are great. You get to own your feelings without projecting motives on her.

It's difficult when our friends don't have 'parallel lives' to ours. I have had to learn a lot of balance with some friends whose economic situations aren't the same as ours-- some of our friends have more than enough money (and I don't begrudge this) and some have really struggled over the past few years. It's even more difficult when it's a friend who is wanting a relationship/child and it doesn't happen for them but it does for us. We have to make sure, too, that we aren't saying anything condescending or pitying (not that you are), and that we don't do "too much" for them, so that it hurts their pride. Tough balancing act.

Also, if it were me, I would write out my feelings, what I'd want to tell her, and then copy out the parts I think I could stand to hear if I were in her shoes. Then, burn the original. Use some of what you kept as a few key talking points if the conversation does come up. You don't want to bombard her, but you do want to keep the friendship from deteriorating into nothing or enmity, which is far worse in my opinion.

Well then she isn't a true friend. A true friend may get jealous at times, but would never say hurtful things to you.

Maybe she also doesn't realize that she is saying hurtful things. If her life isn't going as well as yours, then maybe she is saying things out of her frustration and not realizing that she is hurting your feelings.

I would confront her, but don't be mean about. Just simply ask her why she is saying things that hurt your feelings. If she says she doesn't mean to, then she is obviously taking out her more difficult life on you. Be the bigger person and stand up to her. If she walks out on you, then she obviously isn't a very good friend.

Good luck!!!!

A true friend would be happy for you and not make you feel bad or say hurtful things.

If it were me I would slowly pull away. You sound like you are supportive and understanding of her difficult situation and yet she wants to tear you down. Not a friendship worth keeping.

Don't waste anymore time or energy.

If someone is Toxic and/or jealous and Toxic, I keep my distance.
You have to be careful, they do not sabotage you or ruin you, too.
Jealousy.... can make people not behave, as a friend.
So be aware of that.
It taints, their interactions and attitudes. Toward you.

You either tell her she is hurting you/telling lies/making trouble, or not.
She is your friend.
You should be able to tell her/talk to her about life's stuff.

But do not expect her... to change.
You either 'choose' to be her friend, or not.
I would, walk away.

In my experience, a person cannot just turn "off" or on jealousy.
It is just, in them.
And they use it, at someone or against them.

What kinds of things does she say? Could they possibly be statements she's making that you're interpreting as jealousy? I'm not saying you're wrong, I just wonder what else there is going on.

If she is truly jealous, it's probably just her feeling bad about her current situation, since you say she's had it tough for a while. Maybe you could try to comfort her a little bit, or just be a good listener. Try to be open with her about how you feel..maybe she doesn't realize what she's saying? She might open up to you about things, but if not, try not to take it too personally. If it gets really out of hand, though, maybe some distance would do you both some good.

I understand. I have a friend that has many times in my life told me how easy she feels things come for my husband and I. I've never understood that. We work 6 and 7 days per week, 15-24 hours per day. We never take a break. We live simply. We just work really hard. We have debt like everyone else, our house is a fixer upper and we've struggled with a lot of marital issues. We haven't stayed together out of some dumb luck. We've had 26 years of the life we've chosen.

And yet.. This same person has had so much given to her and her family. She's received thousands of dollars from various people and charities many times. She's received furniture and free house repairs and I could list all day long things I know of. So who's had it easy?!

What can you do? Nothing. Just sweep her comments away and try and be sympathetic because she doesn't understand.

If she were really a good friend she wouldn't be jealous but joyful for you.

If you aren't willing to confront your friend, then maybe you need to distance yourself a little bit?

I had a SIL that was in this situation. ANYTHING I said came across wrong - either I was bragging, or criticizing her parenting skills, etc. She decided to confront my husband (her brother) and never came talking to me. To this day, she still has never talked with me.

I have decided that I will talk with her and be friendly when she's having "a good day" and on her "bad days" I don't even say a WORD to her.

From what my husband tells me, that she was just in a difficult time in her life and saw us as having "the perfect life". When she was comparing herself to us, she felt bad and took it all out on me.

Like you, I know my life isn't perfect and I have tons of flaws, but I think she was depressed and angry. I think she only saw our "rosey" life and was mad at me that it was my life, and not hers. Basically, it was just misdirected anger and frustration.

So enough about me...for you, try not to take it personally. It sounds like your friend may be in a similar situation. Try to do FUN things with her, don't sit and let her vent or be miserable. If she need to do that, then maybe she needs to find someone else to talk to.

And if she confronts you about why you're being distant, I think that's an open door to tell her that she's been hurtful towards you.

Best wishes

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I've been told ( not sure how truthful) that jealousy comes from low self- esteem . I know that doesn't help your situation / hers. Maybe it can give you some insight on how to best handle the situation.

I had a friend like that for many, many years, and finally I couldn't take the negativity anymore and had to end it.

If you're comfortable sharing, and trust her, next time she says something petty or implies you have a perfect/great life, say "Sally, let's wait a minute. You see only the outside, the surface. In fact here are the things that you don't see: Bill got laid off 3 months ago and hasn't found work. Susie needs braces but we can't afford them and the dentist says if we don't get her in braces now, in 6 months her teeth will be permanently messed up. Bill's brother has cancer, and my cousin, whom I'm close to, died. So, there is no perfect life. No, my life is not as rough as yours, and I'm sorry that you are having a rough time, but please let's stay friends."

If she stills keep doing it, or throws your troubles back in your face, then distance yourself from her.

Why does it bother you so much that she is jealous? I suppose it depends on what she is saying and how she is saying it. I would just tell her "Hey that hurt!"

I actually don't get why people get mad when others are jealous of them for something. It does not always mean they are mad at you or that they are not happy for you.

Maybe I am thinking of envious and jealousy is a stronger more angry word...