Friendship with Someone Who Doesn't Have Kids

Have you ever tried to talk about kid stuff with her? Does she not seem interested in having conversation about them? It is also possible that maybe they are having trouble conceiving and she's a little jealous? I know for me personally, I always wanted kids and was waiting for the right time (I would have waited forever and it still wouldnt have been the right time), and I was not married yet was with my BF (now my husband... he saw no reason in getting married unless we had kids, but that's another story) and we had been together since 1994. So I watched everyone have families and felt jealous and like I had nothing in common. It's different now that I'm a mommy. Just a perspective to think about.

Give what you get in return, and let the friendship go.
You two just aren't on the same page, anymore.

Doesn't sound like she's much of a friend to you, anyway.

Are you sure she's waiting to have kids and isn't having problems? Maybe they are having fertility issues and b/c you and she are so close it hits closer to home with you. I would maybe ask about it. Confront her in a nice way and just simply say that it hurts your feelings that she never even asks about them. Communicate that you enjoy your time with her and don't necessarily want to bring your kids along each time, but since you guys were so close as children you think it would be fun for her to know them. It all seems kind of odd which I why I think there has to be more to the story.

Could it be that she does want children now and can't..... therefore she is sad about what she doesn't have---- therefore ignoring your kids? I don't know..... just a thought.

Here is the thing. Your lives are on different paths and sounds like she wants to keep your relationship what it used to be. She can't. If it were me I'd enjoy her on my terms when I wanted to but not feel a need to hang on just to fill her need.

I don't think you are sensitive. In fact your friend sounds a little insensitive, but she doesn't have kids..... so she doesn't know how your world has changed and most of it is about kids! If she doesn't have kids she probably never will understand. I wouldn't cast her off completely. When your kids are grown you may come back together....... unless, of course, she has kids late and is in the middle of raising young kids. Then you may be feeling...... "been there, done that."

I bet she has infertility problems and it is too painful to be around your kids.
I made a friend who couldn't have kids and she TOLD me that she wanted to see me every Friday, but she did not ever want to see my child.
I was shocked because outside of home, she is an angel. I never knew until she got pregnant that she had struggled. It was too painful.

I have a BFF exactly like this. No kids, married at 41, powerful career. I love her like a sister but kids are not her thing. Getting together WITH my child proves more of a nightmare more often than not
("Can you meet us for dinner downtown at 8:30?" Ummmm...not really with a 2 year old! LOL)
Friendships change over time. We do have them over, we kind of tailor it to suit us or she & I catch a movie & do dinner (rarely).

Kidless people don't "get it" -- AT ALL. Even teaching and volunteering is NOT the same as being a parent. Don't take it personally. Her loss for not knowing your children.
So...I don't think you have to "do" anything. Keep in touch via email, Facebook, etc and get together with her if she's in town.

Sounds like she's insensitive. She may also feel like she can't relate to you as well when the topic of babies and kids comes up, so she'd rather just avoid it all together. It probably doesn't interest her much. I'm sure it is hurtful to you because your husband and kids are so important in your life. You said you live 350 miles apart so you probably don't see her a ton. Rather than saying something, I might insist that the next get together includes the whole family...your husband and kids as well as her husband. See how that goes and go from there. If it doesn't go well, you might consider saying something...you said she's a "best friend" so I wouldn't burn any bridges, she may come around.

If she prefers adult time, that's fine. But it may also be that the "right time and place" really equals "having trouble conceiving or agreeing" and that may be part of it. However your kids are part of your life now. If seeing her solo without spouse or kids really doesn't work, then say so and make a counter offer, but if she doesn't accept it, then maybe you see less of her at this point in your life. Say you value your friendship, but all or nothing no longer works for you.

If she babysits and sends cards for other kids, then it's not "kids". I'd be upset and taking it a bit personally.

We also have kidless friends and everyone gives and takes. Every year we do a "no kids" dinner and every year another couple hosts a kid-friendly NYE party. Another couple can't seem to get that we have a family and can't jet off on a cruise in the middle of October. So we don't cruise with them and see them less. You can't do it all.

I was the friend with no kids until a year ago. All of my friends had families & I hadnt started mine yet. I wasnt much of a "kid person" I'm still really not, I love & adore my kids but I still feel like I dont have any clue with anyone elses kids. Im guessing your friend doesnt dislike your kids in anyway, but they are your kids not hers. You are her friend, and she wants a friendship with you...not your kids

I haven't read your other posts, but it sounds to me like she is possibly jealous of you that you have kids, so she'd rather pretend that they don't exist. Maybe she and her husband have actually been trying and can't get pregnant so it's a sore spot with her. What was your friendship like before you had kids? Is she competitive? I had a friend like that in high school. She always had to be the one getting the attention from boys. She would secretly fume if a guy ever looked at me. She would've rather had 10 guys surrounding her competing for her attention and have none of them noticing me. When I met my now husband, she was always trying to point out (make up) negative things about him so we'd break up. I kind of distanced myself from her then because I knew it was all out of jealousy. We rarely talk now. She has never seemed happy for me that I'm in a happy, committed marriage with three kids while she's a single mom. The last time I saw her, she started talking about our old party days and wanting to go out and do that again. I just said, "look, those days are long overwith for me. there is no way I'd do any of that stuff again". She seemed offended and just plain mad that I'm not the same person I was then, and that I've grown up and she hasn't.

If I were you, I'd start saying stuff like "sorry, the hubs has to work all weekend. I can come with the kids, or you're welcome to come and visit us..." and she what she says. If she gets mad,say sorry, this is the way life is when you're a mom with responsibilities and then just gradually start cutting ties with her. You don't need a friend like that.

Best wishes!

Are you sure this person is your friend? It sounds to me like you both have better friends in other circles. Go your separate ways and let your relationship with her go.

Sounds like she's completely insensitive and that there might be something else going on. Is it possible that instead of it not being the right "time" for her to start a family, that instead they are trying and haven't been successful? Since you've been friends your whole life, it's very likely she's just really, really jealous.

I've been there. Before I was married or had children, I sort've didn't want to spend time with my friends who WERE married or had children, unless I was just hanging out with them. It just reminds you of what you want, but don't have. Some people are really good about things like that, and some aren't.

That's a weird one! I would say that some people just aren't crazy about kids, but your friend doesn't fit this stereotype. Maybe a little though. She may resent you for having changed so much and wants the old you back. I can remember when I was in my early 20s one of my good friends was the first of our group of friends to become a mom, she was a little older than me too and she had moved far away. I was really happy for her but also had so much trouble relating to her. it took years to get back on a different level. I'd call and she'd be getting interrupted every five seconds and all she'd talk about was her baby. This was before any of my own maternal instincts kicked in (mine were late bloomers) and it was kind of boring to me, harsh as that sounds. At the time I wanted to talk about boys and my job. I've apologized a hundred times since then for my insensitivity. I will also say that I have ceased being friends with several women who I had considered to be good friends since I became a mom, partly because it was suddenly difficult to relate and my lifestyle had changed dramatically. I thought they'd be a little more flexible but I was wrong. I don't hold it against them though, some people who don't have kids just don't get it. It does sound like both you are being overly sensitive and she is definitely insensitive and selfish. The not sending a gift for their births comment is what got me thinking this is not a good friend!

When someone's JOB is kids, esp other people's kids, they often avoid them in their personal life. Not because they don't love kids... but because they're burned out/have already been doing that all day, and don't want to have to put their 'game face' on and keep 'working' in their personal time. In fact, many teachers I know recommend to new teachers that they start their family SOON, before the job kills the desire of having kids of their own. Ditto, many people who work with kids avoid the kids of their friends because they don't want to have to break off the friendship because they cannot handle the way their friend's parent. They don't WANT to know how their friend's parent. They want that happy little line that keeps their friend's in the "safe" zone.

Just something to consider in addition to possible infertility, and wanting to spend what little time she does have with you, with YOU instead of 'you in mom-hat mode'.

First of all, I remember feeling very insulted when people with kids asked my husband and me when we were gonna "start a family". We'd already started, just by being together ourselves. What if we'd never had our own baby? Would we not be a family? Please try not to think of her in those terms.

Anyway, maybe she's jealous and doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe she is not so sure how to relate to you anymore. Maybe she doesn't like this new "mommy" you and wants to keep the you she's familiar and comfortable with. I had a friend who bled my same blood. When I got married, she kinda pulled away a little, but we were still very close and interacted regularly. When I bought my house, she kinda turned on me. I showed her pictures and was all excited, and she just kicked me with negativity. I told her that it bothered me when she did this and when she had less time for me while making more time for other friends, some even married. One of her big problems with me is that I always make a point of seeing the positive and trying to get over stuff. She thought that I was too much of a goody-good. Huh? (I forgave her for something very hurtful that I found out about years after it happened, and she was annoyed.) Anyway....

I say all that to say that you need to look at your dynamic and realize that it's different now. She has a right to feel however she feels about it, but you can't know her feelings and work through it all with her unless you are willing to talk with her openly about it. Be prepared to get your feelings hurt and maybe to hurt hers. You'll walk away with a different relationship.

In all honesty, this would hurt my feelings. I have a friend who we know (because she has told us) does not enjoy children, never wants her own....but because she is one of my closest friends and we have known each other since we were 8....she is excellent with my children...loves them even.

I would bring up your concerns. This just seems over the top if she babysits an does cards for other folk's kids. Close friends should be able to talk about stuff like this together. :)

Maybe she has been trying for years to have children, and finds it heartbreaking to be around yours? She may say she's "waiting"...but maybe there is a lot more going on with her? It might be really hard for her to talk about it...

I hope you two can work it out and you can be there for each other - maybe over a bottle of wine on one of those 'girls' weekends? Good luck!

I was late to the marriage and kid game... and I LOVE kids... but some parents just don't see their children w/ objective eyes.

I have a friend who you would think her kids were god's gift to man (well behaved and all... but no, they really aren't that beautiful nor that smart) and it's VERY tiring to be around. Even though we've been friends for years and I love her like a sister.. it gets old. So be honest with yourself.... are you good at talking about other topics other than your kids, school, etc??

Also, I think she has infertility issues... (as did I) 13 years is a LONG time to 'wait'.

Do you have other friends w/ kids that you can share your children and your hubby with? If so, spend that time w/ them and keep her as your girls only friend. Think of it as being of service to others.....