Is This What Happens When You Get Married and Have a Baby?

First I have to say to AC...wow, you must be married to a saint! I love my husband and we have a great relationship, but what you're describing could be my life!!! This is more the norm than not, I promise you that.

Not sure how old the baby is but the first 3-6 months of the baby life is a killer. You are both sleep deprived and that will make you crazy...literally. You have short tempers and you're still emotional, something that he may try hard to understand, but honestly, never will. Women think about things SO much differently than men and although I find myself thinking some of the very things you're describing, I try and remember that men are seriously clueless about these things...and I guess what I really mean is that the things that are important to us are not important to them.

Just like Denise said, as hard as it is (because I know you're thinking how can he NOT know the dishes need to put away and how can he NOT see the pile of clothes he just stepped over, etc.) you have to ask him in a nice, calm, normal voice to do the things that you want for him to do. Tell him what will help you and what stressed you out. He doesn't know, even though you think he should.

I'm sure that you had some of these issues (like trying to hold any sort of conversation while the TV is on) before kids, but kids adds new stressors and new things on the to-do list, so it's different.

You are not alone, but you do need to talk to him. Don't expect huge changes and do expect to have this conversation with him at least 3 more times before the year is up, but talk to him. Tell him what you want and need.

Also, get out of the house! Try to go on dates or if the baby is too young to leave with a family member or sitter then at least try and plan some at home things like movies or ordering in or game night. When my hubby and I are feeling disconnected we open a bottle of wine, get some cheese and play a mean and ruthless game of Scrabble! it's so silly but it's fun!

Let me just say again, that as obvious as things seem to you, they are just as unobvious to him. Talk to him and it will get better!

A baby changes everything, the whole dynamics of the home, the household, and the marraige. Just wondering... I'm guessing that you weren't married very long before you became pregnant and maybe this wasn't a planned pregnancy? The reason I'm saying that is because what you describe does happen slightly, but not to this extreme. When did his behavior change, when you became pregnant, shortly after the baby was born?

Mothers naturally bond with their babies. It's not the same with daddys. Does he help to take care of the baby? Have you talked with him about his feelings? Does he feel distant because you focus all your time and energy on the baby? Have you made arrangements for a date night, found a sitter, etc?

Gardening/planting is a great stress releiver. This is probably his way of dealing with it. Better than spending time out with his buddies.

It seems like the lines of communication have broken down. Plan that date night, make it so that you can have quiet time to talk and get the lines of communication open.

Uhhhh.....yeah...pretty typical. haha Not funny though, huh?
Seriously, is this your first baby, because let me tell you I told my husband to pack his bags and GET OUT at least 6 times the first year of my son's life! Here's a few ideas....
Tell him what you want him to do. They don't get subtle. They don't get hints. Be specific. Lists help.
Get out of the house by yourself, leave a small list of tasks & go and veg somewhere...mall, park, for coffee whatever. If you don't your head is going to blow off. He can do everything you can for your baby. Let him start "really" learming. Baptism by fire, if necessary.
Good luck, hang in there.

I'll be honest - I experienced nothing like this with my hubby and our first baby. What was life like before the baby came? Have you always had good communication and he has just shut down, or was he never very good at expressing himself and now he's even worse? Some men suffer from PPD, although the research on this is relatively new, and this could apply to your husband if his behavior has gone through a complete 180. He may be struggling to deal with the new baby, or feel unable to bond. In some extreme cases, men with PPD need to seek counseling or medication, just like women. However, if this is just an increase of a previously-existing problem, it's time to have a serious conversation about hubby getting engaged in your marriage and your life. Good luck!

I also have to disagree. What is typical is that your relationship changes and many couples find it difficult to find the balance between parenting and marriage, but it's not typical for your spouse to not communicate, sleep in a different room and not help out at all. To the women who say that this is typical, I say you aren't standing up enough for yourself and what you deserve.

There are going to be bumps along the ride in a marriage. Communication is the key to getting through these. In order to communicate you need to make time to be together one on one. My suggestion is to start a date night. This does not mean that you need to go anywhere. DAte night could be after baby is put to bed, and you order pizza and watch a movie. Whatever you do, whether it's a picnic, a walk or an actual night out, you need to make sure that you are spending quality time together doing something you both enjoy.

As baby gets older, it's important to have a family activity night. Doing things together as a family is super important. I'd say shoot for twice a month, but ideally you would want a date night once a week.

When my son was born I had a hard time adjusting from "mom" to "wife". My husband was super patient and we made an effort (both of us) to communicate. It sounds like it's time for you to have a sit down talk about what you both want and expect.

He may think everything is fine, until you tell him you are not happy he is not going to know what he can change. Un til you tell him what you need from him he;s not going to budge. Remember he can't read your mind, even though we feel like they should!

If talking doesn't work, get counseling!

Hang int here, we all go through and adjustment period!

There are definitely stages in a long term marriage and unfortunately very few men are really there for you when you have a new baby. I hate that! It is why you need to develop women friends, but continue to draw him in and let him know that you need him. I read alot of self help and marriage books and each one would have some hint that helped. I have now been married 24 yrs. and we have three kids.
The book I am reading now that would help is Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice by John Gray.
Hang in there.

WOW!!! Sounds exactly like my life before i WOKE UP!!! We had many conversations about it or should i say i had conversations and obviously he wasnt listening. Long story short we are no longer together!!! I have no advice except if he doesnt change soon, i hope it doesnt take you 10 years to realize you are not just a mom, cook, maid or sex object and deserve to have your PARTNER who made a beautiful child with you pay attention to you, love you, make love to you, cuddle with you, parent with you etc..etc..etc... Good luck!!

Just a thought...walk in front of the tv naked and see what happens! ;)

its probably a slump, liven things up!

Deja vu, talk with him and ask him what's going on, be direct, don't skirt the issue. My husband was completely hands-off and inattentive and our marriage has been rocky due to lack of communication more than anything else. Talk!!!

I really don't have any advice for you. My husband started not coming home after our daughter was two weeks old. We were trying to get pregnant since 2003. We finally had our 1st child together in 2007. I am not sure if he was cheating or not. This lasted for about six months. Sure I had my suspicions and heard some rumors but that is not the point. Our daughter is now getting ready to turn three and his and my relationship is more of a friendship. He never looks at me like he used too. When he does it is more of a disgusted look. I went into labor weighing 210 pounds. I now weigh 145. I have stretch marks but I stay fit. My husband is a great father and is a good provider. I work too but he makes more money. I think that with time he started realizing that he had a family at home and chose to change his ways. I have never doubted anything he has said since february of 2008. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. That is what keeps me trying to keep our Marriage together. Good luck to you.

This is actually typical behavior when there is only one kid. The thought being that the baby only needs one of you to take care of it.... I sat down with hubby and basically told him that Friday evenings, and either Saturday or Sunday morning was his shift with the baby because I deserved to sleep in one of the two weekend days. He could have the other one. Things got a bit better after that.

You didn't say how old your baby is, but I'm wondering if this is a fairly new experience for him? What was his own father like in his family growing up? Is he feeling overwhelmed by being a married man and a father? Is it ok to talk to you about that (I am NOT in any way blaming you for his behavior, but just wondering if the two of you both feel open communication is easy or more difficult)? He sounds like he's acting like a guy who either needs some kind of "escape" or doesn't quite know how to approach being an integral part of the family--in fact one could cause the other.
Sounds like you need to reclaim your "coupleness"--whatever brought you together before the baby and the marriage.
I suggest you set up a babysitter--someone you both can trust, so there are no excuses--and plan for an evening or a day out doing something you both used to enjoy when you first got together. What were your dates like? What things made you laugh together or feel that special closeness? What was the energy that attracted that spirit who is now your baby?
Bring it, Mama! I'm sure you can get out of this slump if you persist. Just don't let him get away with saying no--keep trying even if he does.