I Need Some Advice on Marriage

Normal, normal, normal!!!! You BOTH are normal!

I just had this conversation with two friends of mine that just had their babies and we are going through this again with this pregnancy.

My husband and I had a great marriage for over 6 years when I became pregnant with miracle baby #1 and she just turned 2. We were just coming out of it when I became pregnant with miracle baby #2 and we are slipping into it again. The blessing is that we both recognize what is happening and realize that it is NO ONE's fault and that we have to work on it to keep the wedge from getting so out of hand this time.

I totally agree with what others have suggested and want to tell you what worked for me.
*Get out immediately to go get your hair done and maybe a mani/pedi (if that is your thing). It can be a Christmas gift from someone if that makes it more affordable. It is amazing what a new "do" or fresh nails (and the pampering) can do for you.
*Tell your husband that you did some research (he doesn't have to know that you opened up to us moms) and that you found what you guys are going through to be NORMAL and tell him some of the suggestions given. If you explain that it has to do with your hormones and total attention you give to your son and that it doesn't necessarily mean that it is his fault, he may listen a little better. TELL HIM YOU NEED HIS HELP....emotionally!
* Set up one night a week or every two weeks to get out of the house BY YOURSELF to meet up with friends or close family or to start a hobby. I left the house every Friday night to scrapbook at a local store (and met fabulous friends). It gave me a reprieve and a chance for my husband and daughter to bond and get along without me. My husband still looks forward to his "date" night with our daughter.
*Look for Mom groups and play groups in your area. MN has excellent ECFE (Early Child/Family Education) classes for parents and their kids on a sliding scale. Depending on how deep into WI you are, you may be able to cross the border and join a MN class if space is available (a friend of mine does this).
*Set a date night for you and your husband at least every 4-6 weeks (if not sooner). Even if you find yourself talking about your son, you're talking to each other.
*Discuss a code word or phrase to helps you communicate to your husband (and for him to you) that you aren't doing well and that he needs to comfort you. I tell my husband, "I'm not doing well." He says, "I'm in a funk." Then we both know that the other person didn't do anything to upset the other. This way I know he needs time alone without my constant chatter and he knows I need a hug and a little pampering (or for him to take care of our daughter and give me a break).

I hope this helps. It does get better.
HUGS, J.

It all sounds so familiar. Funny thing is I'm also a stay at home and my husband is going to UW for is PhD. Honestly it is 10x as hard when your other person is going to school. My husband went to undergrad here while he worked full time so he'd leave at 6 and come home around 9pm. Hard on him, hard on me and hard on our daughter. Honestly your situation sounds totally normal to me. I think that it's hard to get a more normal life back till age 2. I wish I had some sound advice but honestly time is what helped us. Of course then we decided to throw another kid in the mix. Ha. If you'd ever like to drop me a line feel free. I find it's even harder to find others who fully understand the situation. :)

Hi S L,
it sounds to me like you might have postpartum depression,since you don't feel like wearing cute clothes or don't want to do anything for yourself...I know it's hard to find time when you have a little one but you are not even trying!Try to get out of the house every day!Talk to your Dr. about it,too!It helped me after I had my baby,I've walked outside for at least 15min. every day and it swear it made me feel more relaxed and happier!
About your husband,it is a bad thing to ignore you like that,bad for your relationship,if you can stay calm and just ask him to listen to you without judging you because he should be your friend not your enemy in tough situations!My husband and I went trough tough times,too,after we had our little girl,I think the adjustment from the life before to after baby,affects every marriage in some way!It takes about a year I think until everybody calms down and gets used to the new lifestyle!Your husband might be jealous abaout your attention to your little one and not to him,too!Try to spend some time with him,hire a babystitter and have some fun for a couple of hours!Hang in there,it will get better!Just let your husband take care about your little one a little bit,and while he is playing with him,do something for yourself,that will give you some energy for your husband later!Good luck!

Each day you need to start getting YOU ready. Do your makeup and hair. Husbands like to come home and see you taking care of yourself and the baby.

Look in your area for a local Moms' Group. (We have one that is free and meets once in month. Each month is something different. Speakers, cooking demo, card making, BINGO, etc. etc. But I live way too far away from you for ours to be of help..... Lots of snacks and socialization!) It's great to get out and meet some people who you have something in common with.

Or else take your baby on little field trips. Library, shopping mall (walk the halls), or friends houses. Set a schedule for what you want to accomplish each day and about what time you expect to do each thing. Wake up time, meals, cleaning, nap, field trip, etc. Even if you can't stick to it completely, it will give you sanity knowing what comes next during your day. Make a list of chores and cross them off as you do them. It's a sense of accomplishment just scratching them off the list!

And definitely don't give up. Perhaps talk to a local pastor instead of taking medications.... Most pastors have training in counseling and don't charge you for it! Good luck.

I have to disagree with stopping your antidepressants. If the doctor upped the dose he is seeing something or hearing something that worries him. Yes there are risks to taking antidepressants but he prescribed them cause the benefits out weighted the risk. As a couple you may want to seek help from a pastor but you should also seek counseling alone. You do need to go out and about during the day just to get some adult conversation. I think you need to do what makes you feel good about yourself if that is getting up and putting makeup on then do it even if you don't feel in the mood. Sometimes those little things help. You don't need to dress up in heels if that doesn't make you feel better about your self. It might not be a bad idea to also have a couples get away weekend if you can find a sitter. Sometimes being out of the same enviroment will cause people to open up, try to avoid statements that put blame on your hubby like you never, or you don't Instead try I feel... or it hurts me when.... Your not alone I went threw this after our first child was born and it took alot of work but we made it and are going strong on 11 years. Good luck

Take some deep breaths! I would love to tell you that I have the perfect solution but I don't. All marriages go through up and downs and when you add a little one into the mix it can become worse. I will say hang in there and just take it day by day. I remember after my son was born I was so exhausted by the end of the day and would sometimes cry myself to sleep. I felt exactly the same way you do. Just remember to breath and take it day by day. And always remember to take time for yourself. That is so very important.

A couple things I'm thinking: one, kids are VERY hard on a marriage. I know our marriage has struggled more since the birth of our second than ever before. I also know that arund that time--8 months--with our first, I was so invested in his care, nursing, diapering, etc--that my husband felt totally left out. And I was content to leave it that way, since I was faster, better, and normally what my son wanted. :) Of course, it was horrible for our marriage, and something had to change. I had to give up a little control, he had to take over a few more things. Lucky for us, we have good communication. Give him a little time to get used to waht you said--I'm sure they were hard words to hear. But, it sounds like you guys really like each other, and you want things to be better--be gentle with him; he's had a major transition, too, but you sound depressed. Perhaps getting yourself into a better place, and hten working with him, is the way to go. Good luck; raising a family is hard for so many reasons.

Hi S.:
You may be still going through post partum depression. You and your new family are far away from home and family. My best advice for you is to start working on you. Get some new clothes and make-up and get your hair styled. If your budget is to tight for an all out shopping spree you can get some nice fitting and more fashionable clothes at consignment and thrift shops. Take time everyday to get dressed, and do your make-up and hair. As you improve your appearance you will be happier with yourself.
Next find some activities that you enjoy. I am assuming that you live in Madison WI. There is a lot of fun things to do in Madison. Since your hubby is a student at UW-Madison you should be able to get involved in programs at the school. There should be Mommy and Me activities, there's the zoo and arboratum, shopping along State Street. Find other Moms with kids and start making friends. You are spending too much time alone with the baby and not getting enough adult time and conversation. Invite the other Mom's over for coffee one morning a week and have play dates for the kids.
The main thing here is find some friends and activities as you do this you will realize that you are not alone and this will help you to feel better.

We did something vaguely familiar when our some was born. And to give you hope that was 28 years ago and we love each other more than ever!
Are your duties for your son shared? Does he feel left out of the family? Not needed or not part of your activities?
Is money an issue while you are home? I did everything from daycare to part time shift work around my husband's schedule - leaving him with one on one time with our children. (Could fix the 'spoiled brat' idea)
Make sure you have a regular activity that gets you out of the house and and away from the "family". Take a work-out class or adult education. I even created a sewing circle. Dad's had to sit while Mom's honed their crafts.

And I taught all of my children that true love does last. Doesn't mean you're going to like each other all the time, sometimes that might last awhile, but the love is there. All the qualities that brought you together will keep you together if you are patient!

My husband and I have been together since high school -- so almost 11 years now; we have been married for 6. By all accounts we have the "perfect marriage." In fact many family members and friends comment about wanting a relationship like ours. For the most part we communicate very well, fight little, and generally see our lives going in the same direction.

Now with that said, the time frame from when our son was about 4mos -- 1 year old was the WORST time in our marriage. His schedule is part-time so he was more of the "stay-at-home-dad" and I was the family supporter. Settling into what each of these roles means and how to respect each other was a big challenge.

The best advice I can give you is to just keep talking. I would suggest that if your husband has a tendancy to stonewall then write him a long note laying out what you want to talk about. Tell him that you want to talk when he is ready. I know it is tough for you right now, but it is tough for him too and he needs time to process things his way as well. If you stick with it, it will get better. Our son is now 3 years old and things have been "back to normal" for a long time.

Best of luck.

You are not alone in how you feel. Adding a baby to a marriage can be a very stressful situation. My husband and I have had 2 babies in 18 months. That was very stressful. When you are a stay at home mom it can be an added stress even though it is very rewarding. You need to have time for yourself and a date night for your husband. He probably is feeling neglected too, which is stressful to him. The date night will give a chance for the two of you to relax and spend some quality time together without baby. Maybe you can get a friend to watch him for the night, swapping nights with your friend to give them a break if possible. I just wanted to let you know that you were not alone in how you felt.

I have to agree with most of the things these ladies have suggested you try. Specifically getting yourself and baby ready in the morning. Also making your husbands favorite dinner and/or dessert. If you are on the meds, it is for a reason, and dangerous to stop cold turkey. You need to wean off antidepressants. Talk with your Dr if you are wanting to go off them before you do stop. Do you exercise? Try committing to some form of activity. It is a commitment, not a feeling like I want to thing. It starts as a I know I need to thing. I am there right now. And when I finish each time, I feel better knowing that I am doing something good for myself, and in a round about way, for my family. It can be so easy as walking in the mall, or turning on the wiggles and dancing to their fast paced songs, which your baby would probably love! What about vitamins? Are you taking a good multi, extra D3 and B vitamins? They are thought to help with depression as well. How about eating habits? They all make a difference. Do you have a local MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) group? I do think it is normal to have crazy emotional things after a baby, and I have done it 8 times! Things will get better! The sun is shining here today, how about there? Turn up the music and dance! Blessings to you and your family. Please e-mail if you have any more questions!

~S. in MN

dont give up on the marriage. its just alot of change with a new baby. you need to make time for yourselves as well. Because you are a stay at home mom one day while hes at work drop the kid off to a friends for a few hours and make a nice dinner with wine and get something sexy and spend some time together. You cant neglect yourself either. Thats not fair to you or your husband. You feel how you look. So even if you dont want to put jeans and a shirt on to get you motivated a little more. if you hang out in sweatpants all day thats how your gonna feel. The little things that bother you with your husband shows your knitpicking. ive been there but you need to pick your battles and realize the little quirks arent a big deal. if you get off his case a little then maybe he'd open up a little more. i know its frustrating but im sure hes frustrated too. if it shows youre making an effort and not just picking at him then maybe he'd listen a little more and by making an effort it shows him you dont want a divorce. When it comes down to it there will need to be change from both of you and i think if you had a little more of what you had before you can very easily get back to that

SL,
First of all congratulations on your little boy. What a blessing a child is in your life. Although there are times when there are struggles. I agree with a lot of what the others have said about: taking care of yourself (especially the depression my sister in-law had it and it took her awhile to feel better again, keep talking and surrounding yourself with loved ones), getting pampered, date night and communication, but I didn't see anyone say anything about asking your husband how he feels. It is great that you talked to him about your feelings otherwise he wouldn't know but have you asked him if he is ok? How is he feeling? Does he have any problems or concerns since baby has arrived? I pray that you two can both express yourselves openly and listen to eachother and get things better between you.
God Bless S.

Dear S L,

My goodness girl! You are not alone! LOL!

You need to get out of the house and find a hobby! Something you enjoy!

You lost you! If you are a stay at home mom, taking care of baby and hubby and don't have any other interests...you've lost yourself.

We have to love ourselves before we can send that love to others.

Sounds like you are going through some post pardum depression. (spelling?) Anyways, be careful with the antidepressants. Look up the med you are on. You would be surprised at how many antidepressants actually increase your depression. You're mind & body have undergone HUGE changes during pregnancy! You're body is undergoing some changes and hormones have a lot to do with this!

It's completely normal to feel all alone. And perhaps a little jealous of your husband because he gets to go places and do things. Even if it going to work. He has "something to look forward to." A chance to "get out of the house and go "do something".

Find a hobby, part-time job, donate your time at the church, find something that makes YOU feel good and you'll see things fall into place.

Don't ever give up on your marriage. Men want to fix everything. Their brains don't work or even come close to thinking like a womans. LOL! Make your husband a nice dinner, get a movie, make him his favorite dessert. I have been through quite a bit with my husband, we found the spark many times after losing it. You can too. Just look back and FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT ATTRACTED HIM TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Blessings & hugs,

J.

I wish there was a book about what they don't tell you about having a baby - LOL...There was so much that first year - I thought I was the only one. When I finally opened up and started talking about it a little, I found out that almost everyone goes through these things. You and your hubby are still trying to figure out your new roles. It seems that you are really focused on your new role as mommy and have let the others - being a beautiful woman and a wife - go. You can be a FANTASTIC mommy, but still be a beautiful woman and a loving wife at the same time. You need to start feeling better about yourself and once that happens - you will see how much easier it will be to work on your marriage. You NEED to get up and shower and get yourself dressed every single day. You should put on your make-up and get your hair done. Even if you just buy a cheap box color kit or try something different. Buy yourself a few items of clothes that make you feel good about your new body. If money is tight, check out the second hand stores - there are a few that have really cute stuff. Wearing maternity clothes 8 months after your baby is born is bound to make you feel frumpy and down. Like some of the other posters have said - get out of the house for a while. When I have the chance to go to Target alone - I can spend up to 3 hours there and not spend more than $20. I just like to browse through the store ALONE - LOL. I know you have a few doctors that you are seeing - but are you seeing anyone that you can actually talk to and that will listen and help you work through this without talking about medication? I am not suggesting that you stop taking your medication, but having a professional therapist to help might be a good thing???

I am sure that your husband misses you and has been trying to be patient with you. He is probably sensing your annoyance with him. When you talked to him about how you felt, he probably got very defensive and mad because of how he has been feeling. He might have felt he was being blamed for this. But it isn't really his fault that you are annoyed by pretty much everything he does right now. He shouldn't have said those things to you or treated you that way...but none of us are perfect and we all could use a little help in the communication department. Try to talk to him again now that he has had a chance to cool off. Let him know that you need his help to make things better. Both for you and for your marriage. Tell him what you want him to do - let him know you NEED him. Maybe that will help to break down the barrier - Men love to feel needed and helpful - so that might be an approach to try.

It is so hard and you are NOT alone. Good luck and let me know if you need someone to listen...we all do.

I don't want this to sound like I am saying all of the problems are with you, so please don't take it that way. Have you been screened for post partum depression? I had many of the same feelings that you described after our daughter was born. I didn't really start experiencing them until our daughter was about 4 months old so I didn't think it could be PPD. I thought that would have started right away after our baby was born. I went in for a screening and was diagnosed with PPD. Because I was breastfeeding I didn't want to take any meds, so all I did was the counseling. I don't know that it "cured" me, but it was good to have someone that I could vent to who helped me see things from a different perspective. Unfortunatly I was referred to a psychatrist that I just didn't click with so I didn't stick with the couseling for very long, but she did at least help me find some ways to deal with everything. I too wanted my husband to go to some counseling with me, but he wouldn't do it. It took a lot of hard work, but things did get better for us. Our relationship definately isn't the same as what it was before we had kids, but we are in a good place. Since our son was born in August, I have had a few times when I've had similar feelings to what I had after our daughter was born. I have to step back and remember the things that I worked on with the psychatrist. I also have to make time for me a priority. Is your husband willing to stay with the baby for a couple of hours a week so that you can get into town to spend some time for you? If your husband won't, is there a friend or neighbor who can watch the baby for you a couple of hours a week? One of the most important things I learned from counseling is that I have to take time for myself. I often feel like I have "lost" myself and that I don't recognize me anymore. Being sure that I find time every week for me really helps with that. Sometimes it is just taking an hour to go to a coffee shop and read or making an appointment to get my haircut. I also have learned that sometimes I have to admit that I can't do it all and that I need to make a point of asking my husband for help. Things will get better, but it will take time. The most important thing to do is to take care of yourself. Good luck! If you want someone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to talk with you through e-mail.

Okay SL, this is why you should NOT go with the Mark Gungor suggestion. This is a direct quote from him; '"You're the line in the sand when I've gone too far," describes perfectly Mark Gungor's theory of marriage and a women's role in it. He believes that the breakdown in marriages is because women quit being the line in the sand for men. The women who do that successfully are the ones who overwhelmingly succeed. Those who can't because of self-esteem or lack of role models or whatever, are the ones that are struggling desperately in relationships.'

So, he blames women for the breakdown of marriage and reduces men to sniveling creatures with no self control. THAT is not what you need.

I agree with JL and the others. You could be struggling with post partum depression OR post partum anxiety. I struggled with anxiety for the first time EVER after I had my daughter. And everything my sweet hubby did started to aggravate me. Poor guy couldn't eat an apple without me twitching! :)
You did the right thing by telling him your feelings! The thing is that he is probably struggling with the same things that you are. Your lives have completely changed with the arrival of your little one and that upheaval (while wonderful) can be hard on a relationship!
So, take some time for yourself, get dressed, do your hair and makeup every day-FOR YOURSELF, NOT YOUR HUSBAND- exercise when you can to get those endorphins flowing AND make a regular date night with your hubby.

Date night doesn't have to be elaborate. Even if you have a picnic on the livingroom floor with the TV off, just spending time together is so key.

I really think the reason he was so rude to you was that he was scared. Reassure him that you love him and that you just wanted to share your heart with him. Also, let him know how much his words hurt you.
Go to counseling if you need to! Remember, counseling isn't just a last ditch effort. It's a great marriage maintenence tool!

And, sheesh! More sex isn't going to fix this. Know that what you are feeling is valid and that you are doing a good job by talking with your doctor and clinical psychologist. Another thing you could do is start taking fish oil supplements. They are wonderful for stablizing moods!

;

mark gungor mark gungor mark gungor.

if i could get you a Christmas present, i would get you "a tale of two brains" by mark gungor.
he is FANTASTIC. he is HILARIOUS! and he is spot on. when it comes to marriage, he knows his stuff. hes really got it down. heres some links:
http://www.markgungorshow.com/ - this is his radio show, its on every day from 10-11 am. you can look through all the archives, you can write to him for help answering your questions.

but really, get the tale of two brains. it will really help you understand where your husband is at, and for him to understand where you are at.
heres some questions (that i DONT need the answers to, but you do)
1. how often are you having sex, and did your problems start or cause a difference in your sex life? (which im sure it did!)
2. how often do you feel that he does little things for you that make you feel special? (im going to guess not that often!)

mark gungor goes through this cycle in detail, but the basics is this: mens primary interest in women is sex, and womens primary interest in men is bonding, the relationship, the romance. right? the thing is, when your husband gives you those little things that are so important to your emotional well being, then you feel more likely to give him sex. and when you give him sex, he will feel more connected to you, and he will feel like doing the romantic things for you. its a perfect circle, and if you both are doing your part, things in your marriage flow and work so well. however, if one or both of you stops doing it, then you are having the perfect standoff; no one wants to give in, and no one wants to be the one to make the first sacrifice. if you were to just give in and make love to your husband, he might feel more connected to you and start feeling better about showing you how much he loves you. you dont have to feel like having sex to do it for your husband. its not sexist, its the way it works. someone has to give in, and men are typically not the first ones to bend (unfortunatly for us women!). so you have to be willing to die to self once in a while and be a wife to your husband so that you can get that balance back!

its common after a baby comes for this to happen though. you have to wait to have sex after birth anyway, and often mom is so tired or in pain or we are doing all that recovery and getting used to baby being around and stuff... so i dont think that its anyones FAULT that you are where you are. but someone has to break that cycle, and you can very well do it. all you have to do is tend to your husbands needs, and make sure that you tell him what yours are. dont expect flowers or candy or jewelry, but perhaps you can get a babysitter and go out for a dinner. or just a drive. go get groceries together without baby. i understand if you dont want to, i didnt want to either, but it was a relief to have an hour without baby once he was a little older (i breastfed for 19 months, so i was pretty connected! LOL). sometimes you can get in the car and drive and men will feel more comfortable talking, and baby will fall asleep anyway... so that might be a good thign to do with baby.

heres mark gungor on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/LaughYourWay
some great stuff. the best video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM

its really great stuff. get ahold of it! :) i think you can get it for 20$. not a bad price for the investment you can make into your marriage.
the best part is that guys like him too because hes so hysterical, and he does NOT beat up on guys and tell them they have to change. men are the way they are for a reason, and if they were any other way, we wouldnt be interested ! LOL.