Hello. My husband and I don't know how to talk with each other. He's very giving and does everything for me (cooks, helps clean, etc.)... but sit and have real meaningful conversations. If I talk about a situation at work where a co-worker said something to me that wasn't a positive comment, he would respond with something like "what a b"$)&, do you want me to let the air out of her tires?" instead of asking questions, like why would she say such a thing. And no he is not being serious about doing the action but it's his way of solving my problem, next subject if we have to have one. I know my husband in his eyes is just being supportive, but we're definitely not having a conversation. I've told him before that I don't need him to fix my problems unless I ask for help, but I need to just talk it out and have him to bounce ideas off. So as a first step before going the counseling route, I thought, which he agrees to, reading a book together on this subject. I'm looking for some sugestions on what book helped you and why. By the way, I'm easily distracted when reading, so the book has to be easy to understand and captivating. Thank you.
Thank you for all of the responses. To add, I am not looking to CHANGE my husband, I'm looking for ways to communicate with him better. It's not only work that I struggle with, in fact I don't really have issues at work, it's the more important things, like childrens birthdays, what are we doing this weekend, etc. I do have my girlfriends that I do get to talk a lot with but I obviously am around my husband more than my girlfriends, so I need to know how we can build back up an understanding and strong relationship. We'll probably check out men are from mars women are from Venus and/or the five love Languages which got great reviews or maybe a couple of the other books you recommended. Thanks again for all of the great feedback!
I have heard great things about "Night Light". You read it together and it gives you things to focus on each evening so it gets you talking.
Mars and Venus In Touch by John Grey(shorter) or Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.
it talks about how different we are,and how woman communicate with other woman, we listen to each other and offer sympathy, and a listning ear. Men dont. If you tell them about a situation they think they should tell you how to solve the problem. the only time they talk to other men about their problems Is more like "I need #### tool to fix the ####" and the other guy says "Bob down the street has #### tool he'll let you borrow it, or tell you if it's worth buying" Problem solved, men have bonded, how sweet. So now I say to him before I talk (as I learned in the book) "I dont expect you to solve this problem but I will really feel better if you just listen to me"
I'll be interested to see the responses you receive. This sounds just like my husband but I think it's also very "male" to not over-analyze situations the way we do. My husband will very typically issue a one sentence - if that - response that he feels solves the situation and closes the subject. Like "Don't let it get to you" or "It's not worth worrying about". Sometimes I think his way is best - he really lets go of things easier than me and doesn't see the need to talk it out and reflect on it. But those times where I really need to sort it out, I have to talk to a friend or journal about it because he really just doesn't get it. I'll be watching the responses on this one!
I like the book Love and Respect. It is a book on communication and explains the differences between men and women on how we communicate.
A book that was recommended to me recently, but I haven't gotten a chance to buy it yet, by a couple that was in "crisis: in their marraige is "Getting the Love You Want A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix.
This book was recommended cause my husband and I come from very different backgrounds and occationally have a very hard time understanding each other. The couple told me it has exercises in it to help you get a stronger relationship. The couple gave 90% of the credit to this book for saving their marriage. The other 10% went to their marriage counslor for recommending this book. You're only supposed to do one chapter at a time and it is intended to be read together.
Hope this helps!!
My husband doesn't have conversations with me about "my stuff." I think it's a male thing. He listens to me, and occasionally will give me suggestions if I am really upset and it is really important, but I usually just share "my stuff" with my gfriends. I inform him of it, but for discussion, I rely on my gfriends.
Hi Mommy D
I am curious about if you want a book that changes the way HE communicates or the the way YOU communicate??? That would be telling. It seems like you want to change how HE communicates, which is not going to be productive and will only frustrate both of you.
He sounds fairly typical, regarding how men process information.
My advice. ONLY talk to him about problems you want him to HELP YOU SOLVE. He has been fairly consistent about that being his strength and the basis for how he operates.
If you expect HIM to change you are not only being unfair to him, but doing him a disservice by having unrealistic expectations.
For everything else and to bounce ideas...... get a girlfriend. Once you have 'bounced' with your g'friends then you can bounce on over to him and the house he cleaned for you. Your meaningful conversations should be about your future, what's for dinner, the kids etc. NOT the girl at work who pisses you off (that just frustrates him because he wants to take care of you, but he can't in the ways he knows how and is comfortable with). But keep it so that his answers can be action-oriented, not empathetic.
Good Luck
B.
Men are really very simple creatures. That is part of the attraction. I just like to leave everything at the door sometimes and concentrate on the million things I have at home. Men are from Mars and Women from Venus is a good one to bring a funny twist to reality.
Hey Mommy D,
This is a good question and probably one that most women struggle with. Women and men deal with things differently. When women talk, it's to vent. When men talk, it's to get answers to solutions. Thus, when we share with them, they problem solve. That is just their nature. One thing that helped me was if I knew I was just needing to vent and needed a listening ear, I would tell him so BEFORE I started the conversation. That would allow him to know what I needed from him so he wouldn't go into problem solving mode. Admittedly, sometimes I forget and just start talking without prefacing my needs first, and if he goes into problem solving mode, I'll stop him and say "I goofed. I am just needing for you to be a supportive listener". He has always stopped and done what I have asked him to do.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.... John Gottman. Has a lot of things the two of you can work on together. Excellent book!
"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. He is a genius. Oprah swears by him and so do I.
Good luck!!
Men dont really like to hear about our work problems.... even tho we need to vent them. I've always had another co-worker to do that with. My husband would also give the same answer your husband did :) I've learned it to be a non productive conversation so I dont discuss work issues with him. If having a conversation with him has anything to do with gossip--family or otherwise-- dont expect him to buy into that one either, they just arent hardwired for those types of conversations. If you stick to current events your better off getting a decent conversation out of it unless you are on opposite teams in politics or religion. My husband and I can go for days without saying too much if there is nothing to say..... Actions speak louder than words. When he's enjoying the dinner I made or tells me how good the clean sheets smell when we hop in bed, I'm good with that.
Well I read a book that I loved called: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" I liked it and had a lot of fun reading it.
You can also go to the library and take some of those marital books out and see which one you like better, there are so many choices that it can be hard to decide for only one.
Hi,
It can be very difficult to feel understood by your partner when the response you get isn't what you were seeking from him.
This is a great book: http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversati...
Hope that it helps.
I'm also happy to offer guidance, if needed call me.
Moji Stanislasvky, MFT
Licensed Marriage Family Therapist
9300 Wilshire Blvd Suite 320
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
###-###-####
www.M..com
Good luck and the best.
Moji
I just got it and havent had a chance to read it but - "Fight Less Love More". I saw an interview with the author on tv not long ago and ordered her book. Can't wait to read it :)
I haven't read the other responses, so sorry if I"m repeating. Some of the best marriage building books I've read are Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs (explains how men and women have completely different emotional needs and we were made that way and it is OK and good!--there's a video series on it too--GREAT insight into the male vs female brain and emotional make up). Also, the 7 Principles for Making Marriage work by John Gottman--great book with fun practical things to do (My hubby and I actually take it with us on date night and some of our best dates revolve around the questions in the book!). I saw you were going to check out the Five Love Languages---it is definitely one of the best books EVER--teaches that we give and receive love differently so we might be loving our spouse the way we want to be loved, but they might need to be loved in a different way and vice versa. There is also a version called the 5 Languages of Apology which is great too (esp. to help deal with conflict resolution) and also the 5 love lang. of children, which I haven't read yet, but plan to! Try reading them with your husband---talk about GROWTH in a marriage! (BTW--don't limit yourself to one book---you are married, so the rest of your life will require constant learning and adjusting to each other!) Also...counseling is one of the best things anyone can do for themselves or their marriage--don't think it's for the weak or broken--it's for those strong enough to know it will help them be better than they already are!!) Best of luck to you guys as you embark on this journey to make your marriage even better!!
Well your Husband sounds pretty great and very genuine. AND he IS interested in what you are saying.
Mine... well he doesn't do those things much.
I wish.
Men are different type of communicators.
Your Husband IS trying to be supportive, and to me, he is being that.
Men's brains, just operate differently. Than how women talk/communicate/vent/air out their feelings with one another.
A Man... will NOT behave like a woman, in communication.
So you need to realize that. And adjust your 'expectations.'
I really don't see it as a marital 'problem' that is Counseling worthy.
It is just different ways of communicating and expectations.
Be careful that he does not feel 'jilted' or 'insulted' when/if you tell him that his communication efforts are not fulfilling for you. Men... take it very personally.
If you have to, just talk to a Girlfriend. A Husband, is not a girlfriend nor in communication fulfillment.
I am sure he was always that way, even when just dating him before marriage?
But I guess now... his communication "style" is not fulfilling for you.
Many Men... have this so called "problem."
My Husband's problem when 'talking' is... he always tells me that I talk but don't end my topics, and since I don't want help in it nor want him to tell me what to do in what I am talking about, then just don't tell him.
Ugh.
I tell him, WOMEN talk like this all the time.
But Men, don't have a capacity for that.
Not all Men.
But many Men.
I think the key thing is learning about one another and the boy/girl thing, before jumping into how to communicate. Sounds ridiculous, but it is true. Boys and Girls are two different species and have two complete different communication methods.
-Woman cry - men hate it
-Woman love to talk a lot - men prefer simplicity
-Woman are talkers - Men are listeners
etc.
Anyway, my husband and I keep the conversation regarding work very limited. The problems at work are not supportive to my marriage or relationship. Hence the old saying: Leave your baggage at the door.
interesting question, as i think we all deal with stuff like this from time to time. I"m going to check out a few books.
Here is my wondering at the moment, I don't want to wake up one morning when the kids are off at college and have nothing to say to my spouse because all we ever talked about was what's for dinner and who needs to pick the kids up fromwhere when, right now that's about all we have going on and it's frustrating.
I get what people are saying about men being fixers and not interested in gossip, but my dh can talk for 2 hours with men and women about his work, or politics at church, or sports, or what some highschool friend is doing now and of course what he did in college. But he doesn't include me in the conversation, and when we get home he has nothing to say. Irritating. so i'll have to check out some of these books and see if he doesn't need to talk tome because i am so wonderful and just the best soft place ever or if he's a jerk.
you might like the Five Love Languages it's pretty straightward and easy to read and maybe your hubby has a different way of communicating his love to you.
First of sounds like you have a pretty great hubby. Mine is the opposite as far as wanting to talk, he ALWAYS wants to talk to me. He woke me this morning to ask if I wanted water becasue HE was thirsty and we ended up talking for 2 hrs about many things serious and fun, but hubs can fall asleep on a dime and I after being awake for 5 minutes my window to go back to sleep closes (lol) I know you asked for book recommendations but I really feel that men just need things spelled out for them. Like "Honey I have this problem but before we discuss it I don't want you solving, I want you to be my soundboard". Black and white. Since your hubs is willing to read a book I'm sure he takes direction well :)
My husband and I read The Five Love Languages before we got married. Its the only time I've ever read a relationship/communication book, but I'm glad I did. I still use some of the advice I got there, six, nearly seven years later. Good luck!
If you're looking to focus on communication, try Markman & Stanley's book, "Fighting for your Marriage." Get the deluxe edition with the DVD. This book is highly regarded by professionals. Good luck.
