Is This Typical of Todays Teens or Should I Be Concerned?

Sometimes, kids like to experiment. I don't know how to tell you, or what, except to accept this as part of her life. Can you explain why you disapprove. If you don't disapprove then maybe you should do what you can to say that you support her decision. Good luck with this hard task put before you!!!!

Dear L.,
It has been ten years since I graduated from high school, so I may be as "out of touch" as you are! I also do not have a daughter your daughter's age, so I hope I can offer some words of consolation in the least. Here are my thoughts. I don't think that girls "touching and kissing" is a "normal" thing to do. There is something different going on. In my years in school I saw girls holding hands and laughing and being goofy (like school girls, you know 6 year olds) but these gals were in high school. I figure THAT is NORMAL. If normal is heterosexual. Now I'm not going to say that I think anything about homosexuality, because I don't know jack about it. But I do think with your daughter a little counseling wouldn't hurt. If my mother had taken away my best friend in high school (who was a boy and man did we ever touch and kiss!!) I would have been equally as depressed, and she would have hauled me to the head doc in a hurry. No relationship at 16 or 18 should cause depression. If a person is not a happy person single, they really aren't happy in a relationship. You should take her in and go with her. You may need some help getting used to her ideas and feelings as well. Find a good family counselor in your area and I might suggest asking your clergy for some help with this as well. You don't want to alienate your daughter with any remarks about her not being good enough if she doesn't like boys or how that is wrong or disgusting. If she does like girls better, that is how she is, how she ticks, and it most likely can't be changed. She needs information and the ability to make a wise, informed choice of how her life is going to play out, with or without this girl friend.

Best of luck to you. My heart aches for you both. What a difficult time you and she must be having on individual levels, and as a mother-daughter level.

V.
married 8.5 yrs, dd is 6, ttc#2 for 5 yrs in Aug. Filling out Adoption Papers. Wish us luck!

I agree with parts of all the posts so far, but I want to add one little thing. Sex is sex. Even if it's your girl with another girl, and 16 year olds have no business having sex. They are not mature enough to handle all of the emotions that go along with sex. I think as her parents, you and your husband should be clear on what is acceptable at 16 and what is not. I don't know what normal is anymore because in the last decade homosexuality has become more and more accepted in our society. I have always said that no matter what sexuality my children choose, (or what chooses them) when they are adults, I will be supportive and not make them feel like it is wrong. But, I don't believe at 16 any child knows who they are. Think back, did you know who you were at that age? I know I didn't feel comfortable in my skin until I was well into my 20's. You can validate her feelings, but I wouldn't allow these two to be alone together like you would if this subject never came up, and they were just girls giggling over boys and reading magazines. I would treat it just as if the friend were a boy. Would you let your daughter be alone in her room with a boy? Would you allow your daughter to go to a boy's house without his parents there? She could be confused and just going along with what the other girl is doing, or she could really have sexual feelings for this girl. Either way, I think you should set rules about what she can and cannot do with this particular girl. I would also watch her very closely to see if she is this way with other girls, or if she starts seeming interested in boys. It is also a very good idea to meet this other girl's parents, and bring up the subject with them. Get their take on it so you can make well informed decisions. And hey, with California's ruling, if she is leaning more toward homosexuality, she can wait until marriage for sex just like heterosexual couples. Hope that last comment doesn't offend anyone. It seemed appropriate to mention it.

Hi, L.. You have some really great responses below regarding the emotional aspect of this situation. I just wanted to give you a little information regarding this age group and bi-sexuality, as I'm a secondary education teacher and see this sort of thing quite a bit (even as early as Middle School).

These days it's all the rage to be a girl and be sexually interested in girls. It gets attention, identifies them with much-loved celebrities such as Lindsey Lohan, Hayden Pennetiere, and Angelina Jolie, etc...I could go on and on with the list. Boys these days are literally judging which girl to date based on whether or not they can have a three-some eventually AND it's considered acceptabel for girls to be treated that way (from a lot of girls' standpoint).

That being said, your daughter obviously has strong feelings for this girl and becomes depressed when not around her. It's wonderful for you to support her and show that you still love her even if you don't fully understand what's going on. It has been my experience that when students come back to see me (when they come back from college or work) that they are no longer experimenting with their sexuality and they've decided one way or another. I say take all the great adivce below and be patient. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to show you love her and it sounds like you've got that down already.

M.

I am going to be blunt so PLEASE don't take this any other way but as honest as I can be and with a lot of compassion!

Is it possible that your DD is gay? But has been afraid to come to you because of the reaction she precieves you will have? Step back from the situation and ask yourself this...if this had been a boy would her reactions have been considered normal? I think you are more scared by the possibilty that she may be gay, that all of the signs have been there but you haven't wanted to see it. I may be way off base, but these are serious questions you have to ask yourself, and then you have to ask yourself, what is more important to you, your daughter, no matter what sexuality she has, or your fear. Your DD may be depressed, it is very scary for teens to face their parents with the truth of who they are. My oldest DD has a gay guy friend, I am fine with it, he is a good kid, but his parents don't know and atually at times have thought my DD is his girlfriend, he does correct hi parents but they still have a hard time understanding the fact that they are just friends, he can not tell his parents they will kick him out of the house, he is 16 years old, deeply religious, very conflicted and scared, and he can't say one word to his family, the people who are supposed to protect and love him no matter what. They aren't bad people, they just couldn't look past it.

It isn't "normal", meaning not all kids are doing it, but it could be your DD's reality, sit and talk, calmy and without judgement. And if you can't work through it on your own get counsling. I wish you all the luck and good wishes for the future.

You know, this is always a question for parents now days and they do not have open minds to things. I know many parents which can not grasp the concept that TIMES HAVE CHANGED! I am 26 and when I was in high school it was very hard to find yourself with all the peer presure. Look, experimenting never hurt anyone. She may be gay, and guess what, it is more common now more than ever. I can tell you that I am not but if I was my mom and dad would be supportive of my decisions. We have always had an open and honest relationship. My biggest advice is to is keep the communication open. If you do not talk to her and be supportive it will only make matters worse and push her out of your life. I have a 16 month old and whatever she decides later will be fine with me as long as she is happy. Also, talk to her about birth control and safety. Just because she is experimenting with another girl, there still is STDs out there. 16 is more and more common for teens to be experimenting sexually. Most parents just do not want to face the facts. I do not mean to sound forward on this subject but I have witnessed first hand people pushing their kids out of their life because they do not talk with them. Maybe take her out for lunch or dinner just the two of you. I had the option of talking to my mom or dad and I thank them to this day for being so supportive. No matter what happens just keep an open mind and support her. If you make sure she understands you are there for her and can come and talk about ANYTHING, she WILL come to you for everything. Hope this helps and hang in there.....

its a phase. she will get over it, i went through the same thing when i was her age, im 18 now. although, she may actually have feelings for her. you have to accept that she just might be gay, and that its okay. sometimes you cant control who you are attracted to. you need to let her know that you are there for her to talk to and that you will try your best to understand, and no matter what, you will always love her.

Having been a 16 year old girl once, my advice would be to not create a situation that you will regret later. My bottom line would be does it really matter if your child is gay? Would you love her any less? And if it is a phase and you over react then you are going to make it so much harder for the phase to end if it is going to on its own.

If she gets to where she is doing things that can harm her such as drugs or gets too depressed I would worry and act on it, but I would leave her special friend out of the conversation or it will most likely turn VERY UGLY and you can't take it back later when you would want to. GOOD LUCK!!!

No this is not normal! I would highly recommend you read Dr. James Dobson's "Bringing up Boys." and his other one "Bringing up Girls". He talks about homosexuality in a way that makes total sense to me and it clears up the questions I had. There are ways to help your child steer clear of it. I haven't read the girls book, but the boys book talks about it. I loved the whole book! I now understand that we allow too many things to slide by in the name of Political correctness and we need to set our kids straight. After reading the responses below, I disagree! Just because it is more common place, doesn't mean it's right. We have lost the foundation of right and wrong and have created too much gray area for ourselves in this generation. We need to step up and teach our kids right and wrong and to be God believing people. Homeschooling may be a good option to get her out of the peer pressure and back to reality.

Good luck!

I'm curious to know what it is about this relationship makes you describe it as co-dependency. When I was 16, my best friend and I would hang out together as much as possible at school (including coordinating times to get a hall pass to meet up during class for a few minutes) and after school. And then when we had to go home, we'd call each other on the phone and talk for hours. Our parents were often heard saying, "Why are you calling her? She just left... nothing's even HAPPENED since you last saw her!" So that's my definition of what a "normal" girlfriend friendship is like at 16.

I think 16 is sort of young for sex... but, then again, I lost my virginity at 17 (20 years ago...and I wasn't the first of my friends to do so) so there you go. I would definitely talk to your daughter and make sure she knows of the emotional and physical impact of having a sexual relationship. If nothing else, do whatever you can to keep the lines of communication open between her and yourself.

Is she really depressed ONLY when she's not with this girlfriend? Or is it possible that she's still depressed but either putting on a happy face for her friend, or that her friend helps lift her temporarily? I'd suggest counseling for the depression, definitely. It may just be the normal teen angst...but even if it's not, it could be helpful for her to have some help learning about "tools" she can use to get through those tough HS years.

Best of luck!

And if you do have an issue with the possibility that your daughter is gay (I wasn't sure from your post)... please, please realize that it's *not* a lifestyle choice. You're born straight or born gay. They've done studies. Your daughter is no more responsible for her sexual orientation than for, say, whether she's right- or left-handed.

There's a book you might find interesting--it's called "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers" and it's by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. It talks a lot about the phenomenon of peer-orientation, and why it's not necessarily healthy for children of any age to be so attached to each other that their attachments to the adult role models around them disintigrate. Peer-oriented children kind of raise each other and encourage each other in risk-taking behavior, but that's like the blind leading the blind when it comes to having foresight and thinking for the long-term. More than anything else, this situation sounds like peer-orientation. As a mom, you can deal with whatever specific sexual or experiemental issues come up with your child as long as you know you have a proper attached relationship. If she answers only to this friend, then you need to consider reclaiming her before dealing with the issue. This book addresses that--I found it very helpful. WHatever our views of the morallity of the situation, you do not have to surrender your relationship with her because of "the times." Good luck.

I read a few of the responses you've recieved and it sounds like the overall verdict is to support your daughter. I agree that is most important. Support her no matter what. Let her know that she can talk to you and, while still being her parent and guiding her, that you won't judge her. I also think though that you should ask yourself how you would react to or approach this situation if it was a male instead of a female she was having these problems with. I think it would be most beneficial for your daughter if you talk to her about it in the same way you would if it were a straight relationship she was dealing with. Because, the fact is, there is a possibility that your daughter might be gay, and if she is and you love her and want to support her, the best thing you can do for her so she does find healthy relationships in the future and so she can accept herself for who she is and not feel wrong for her feelings, is not treat her like she is wrong or different. If you want her to feel wrong and different because that's what you believe about what she is doing, then that is your choice as her parent, but I definitely do not think it is the best option for HER. Good luck with this, I hope it works out for the best.

Hi L.,
Certainly some experimentation around this age is perfectly normal. It may or may not be a phase for your daughter. She probably doesn't know. A great organization for you is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They offer numerous support groups for people and always welcome new members. Have you had "the talk" around safe-sex practices? Rainbow Alley offers clinics and plenty of information (confidential of course). In the meantime just try to be supportive and let her know you love her. She'll appreciate that. Good luck.
K. K.

I know as a mom you are concerned about the welfare of your daughter and if she was with a boy and very depressed if he wasn't around and having sexual relations with him it would be a worry as well - the nature of the relationship is very typical for a teenager - lots of deep profound feelings of a first love and intimate experience. The relationship is probably a phase as are most young loves. Try to love your daughter for who she is no matter what - the only thing "wrong" with a girl girl love is the prejudice other people place on them. Be a safe haven for her - you have an opportunity to deepen your bond. Give her the same council if she had a boyfriend.

This is not a typical problem and I would be concerned. Have you thought of counciling?
C. B

I believe what your daughter is trying to do is find her place in her scocial bubble, which at this point is high school. Yes, experementing is normal at this age if your looking for acceptance in the wrong places. If she has more security in the home, she will think more clearly outside of the home. She will remember that life has consequences, and I'm not talking about lectures from mom, I'm talking about a slow in adult progression. For you to step aside at this point in her life would be a large misstake that you will always regret. Learn your daughter's love language and learn what this friend is giving your daughter that you are not. My mom stepped aside way too many times to desirve the title of mother. She never taught me correct principals, and because of that I found myself depressed because of my own actions.

If it were kissing once or twice, I might blame it on an un-controlled burst of hormones. She is admitting she wants a relationship with this girl, and coming into the open with that should be a very large red flag that needs to be addressed quickly. It's not about "times changing" that makes this ok. The morality of human kind will continue to crumble until the end of time. That is no excuse to leave your values back in 1990-never! It means we as parents have a higher responsability to give our children better tools to rise above these evils. If you want your child to have a better life than you did at her age, make an effort to intervine, listen, teach and fill the gaps with love. It is no suprise to me that she has become depressed after having intimate relations with this girl. Wickedness never was happiness.

Don't listen to the women that are too afraid of the wrath of their children to teach them. Taking your child to a professional is pawning off your parental duties to someone who is not, and will never be responsible for your child. The most succefull teaching your children will encounter and utalize comes from within the walls of your own home.

Professional Counseling. That what I wish I had had.

I have not experienced this problem, but my gut tells me you should try to develop a close relationship with your daughter and stop this friendship as soon as possible. Telling her to stop won't do it, I think you need to fill that gap so your daughter doesn't need this friendship.

I don't know that this behavior is "typical," but it's quite possible that your daughter is exploring her sexuality, and that is very typical for teenagers and young adults. I think it's important that you talk openly with your daughter, give her space to communicate what's going on with her. Be open to hearing whatever it is she has to say, and let her know that you support her and love her. Maybe she's a lesbian and is afraid to tell you - you said that you "recently learned" that they consider themselves a "couple," but she wasn't the one who told you about it. If this is what she's dealing with, having her mom on her team would make all the difference in the world. Coming out is a terrifying experience, especially telling the parents. But maybe, as I said before, she's just experimenting and is confused about what's really going on. Just let her know you're there if she needs to talk. If she's not comfortable talking with you, and even if she is, a therapist might be able to help sort things out as well. Good luck.

As I have found out post HS boyfriends (what a mess I made of myself then!), being in a relationship should make you happy in all areas of your life, not just when you're with them... She shouldn't be feeling depressed when she's not with them. Hopefully she's just being dramatic.

You are right to be concerned, but at 16 she knows everything :) I'd start with non-threatening questions no accuastions and hopefully she'll open up.

I hope this helps and good luck! Things will work out fine I'm sure!

It really sounds as if these girls are way too co-dependent, and that is probably the biggest concern. I don't think the 'is she gay or not?' question is the top of the list at this point. Based on what you said, it sounds to me like what they are doing physically right now is alot more about being in an unhealthy, way too dependent friendship. I hope you will strongly consider counseling for her. After she can work through some of this stuff and get back on the path of being a competent, confident individual, then you can always explore the sexual preferrance issue with her.

My daughter is also 16. Before I begin my novel, I want you to know that I don't agree with boy/boy and girl/girl relationships, but I do wholeheartedly believe in supporting my children, no matter what. My daughter is not a lesbian, but she has several friends who are. It's actually become a LOT more common since when I was in high school. I have seen, what with these friends visiting all the time, that they act pretty much just like any boy/girl couple. What worries me is not so much that these girls are so close, but rather that you are saying your daughter is depressed when her girlfriend is not with her. From your message, I gather that they are not apart for long periods of time (i.e., only for the few hours of an afternoon before the next day of school). I would worry about this scenario even in a boy/girl relationship. My own daughter has always been very independent, whether she's had a boyfriend or not. Her fiancee (yeah, I know -- fiancee at 16!) only just left for Iraq last week to be gone for the next 15 months and will be coming home right after she turns 18. While she is worried for him (for obvious reasons), she is not acting all that depressed, even though she definitely has reason to. I imagine she'll probably get depressed as time wears on, just like her older (half)sister did when her husband left for Iraq -- the holidays are especially difficult.
I think the best thing you can do is to accept your daughter for who she is. Rejecting her choice of sexual orientation will only alienate her from you, and she'll likely start sneaking around and not telling you anything about her life. My daughter's close lesbian friend is keeping her choice a secret from her parents, and it just isn't healthy at all. She'll do whatever she can to be away from home so that she can see her girlfriend -- I lot like even I used to do to see a boyfriend when I was in high school. Your daughter needs someone she can talk to and depend on. That person needs to be someone she can trust and who won't judge her. Wouldn't you prefer that person to be you? Our teenage years are confusing and difficult enough without adding to it the worry that no one accepts you. I remember those years, and I'm sure you do, too. Like most other teen relationships, there's a good chance this one will break up, but don't count it. She may move on to another girl, or she may change her mind and find a boy. Regardless, and whether you approve of her choice or not, you are still her mother and you obviously love her very much or you wouldn't be so worried. You can save yourself a lot of grief by just being there for her, no matter what. After all, that's what mothers do. They accept their children for who they are, warts and all. Teach her to be safe and be there for her if things fall apart. Likewise, be there for her even if this is not a "phase" (which, by the way, is a term you should NOT use when talking to your daughter about any of her relationships). Because, just like a boy/girl relationship, you will not change her mind. If you criticize her and close your mind, you will likely drive her away. I've seen lots of boys come and go, and I've seen lots of my daughter's lesbian friends' girlfriends come and go. You might think things would be different, but the dynamics of the relationship are pretty much the same. Being a lesbian is not any less healthy than being straight, as far as self esteem, etc., go.
I know it's difficult and it's weird and it's confusing for you right now. Bottom line is, she's your daughter. Love her. That's all that matters.

My sister lives in Colorado Springs and she told me the "norm" or the "cool" thing at their High School is for girls to be bi-sexual. I couldn't believe it because when I was in school it was taboo to be thought of as gay. That was 22 years ago. Times they are a changing....

I agree 100% with Katie R. If I were you I would definetly get some counseling for her but try to find someone who might share your same look at morality and faith that way the "world's view" of things won't be thrown on your child. I think maybe she is just feeling insecure and if this is her only friend maybe she is just confused and thinks she needs to be this way. I don't think you should lead her to believe being gay is okay because it is not. And sexual activity at this age, gay or not, is not a good idea. It sounds like you are a good mom and understanding and she obviously feels comfortable talking to you so maybe suggest some counseling to see if there is an underlying problem she needs to deal with. If in the future when she is older and decides she wants to be gay then of course you should still love her and be a good mom to her but I don't think, even in this day and age, that you should act like this issue is not a big deal. Sorry if I offend anyone but this is how I feel about it.

L.,

Always trust your natural knowing.

If your question is, "Is it normal to be a couple at 16 year old?" Yes. Most romantic relationship start around 15-16 years of age and yes I am suggesting that your daughter and her girlfriend are looking at each other as more than friends.

What you get to decide is how you feel about that possibility.
With wider acceptance of gay relationships, many teenagers are finding themselves exploring the possibility.

Is there such a thing as "normal"?
I feel we are all unique. What you get to ask yourself,
"Can I be accepting of all the possibilities of this relationship or not?"
The bottom-line question is, Does this work for you?

With my whole heart,
C.

First get her out and away...take her on vacation and talk with her...supportive like. And help her see what she is doing. I agree with most of the other posts. If she is having sex with a girl...it is still sex. I personally think it is gross, and would get her away from the one friend. If she is showing signs of depression then get her to a councilor.
This is not normal nor healthy. At 16 she doesn't know what she wants or needs. good luck.

If you are this concerned have you thought about talking with the other girl's parents? Working together to figure out how both girls are feeling and how their relationship is affecting their lives could help a lot. Talk to your daughter and discuss the idea of her see professional help for depression. One thing to remember is that teenagers do not think logically, they process everything with their emotions. Getting her to have a place where she can feel safe talking about those emotions is very important. I know it can be hard to think that you are not that place but just let her know how much you love her and that you will be there for her. I wish you the best of luck.

You should be concerned. I would be most concerned about the codependency. Kids push the envelope with sexual experimenting but whether it is with another girl or a boy she may need someone else to talk to, again the codependency is a concern at this age since teenagers will follow someone they are codependent on even if what they are doing isn't right for them. You should talk to a professional about the best way for you to deal with your daughter in a way that won't alienate her from you.
Good luck,
SarahMM

I don't have teens yet, but was a high school teacher until recently. I di have to say times have changed. That said, you are your kid's mom. If you do not feel it is normal, it isn't normal. The dpression is what I would worry most about. I remember my mother asking me about being depressed (of course I was 19) while dating a boyfriend. We talked for a while and discovered I had nothing to get depressed about. SO I broke it off. I realized I was taking on his down feelings and that it wasn't what I really wanted to waste my time doing. So, not sure what to tell you other then get her super involved. Send her to resident camp, go on a long vacation without cell coverage (Lake Powell is close and is great as they can't go anywhere.) Give her time. then you might be surprised that she might open up to you...after yelling at you, most likely. Then listen. and listen and listen. Tell her similar stories of you feeling you need something and realizing you didn't. 16 stinks for girls. She has to choose to basically go solo for a few years and learn to be by herself and enjoy that...or go down wrong paths that will not allow her to grow up. You are now raising an adult. Give her tools to be an adult but give her time to cry and know you are always there, never going anywhere. That is the best love language...the harder she pushes, the more she wants you to set limits to make her feel secure. She wants to sound independent but not actually be independent. So yes, she may deside to love women instead of men and you can't control that. Or maybe not. Most likely, she is looking for the security and love of the relationship. Lead her to find that friendship in you. I love my mom. I pushed and she never let go. Never. she always let me be who I was by making it a safe place for me to be expressive. I may nave died my hair (for like one day) a fun color, but I never dressed like slut or anything like that to seek attention. Set your limits and pray that you taughter from a young age to work through this with your help and love. Also, get dad involved...be united. show how you two love each other and depend on each other in a healthy way. Higher a sitter and take your daughter to the next town over (so she isn't worried about pwoplw seeing her) for a fancy dinner all grown up. If she sulks, let her...she is still listening. Maybe pre-think a few conversations with your husband prior like about working out difficult realtionships with people at work or something.

Oh, and look into the Love and Logic parenting for teens. And, Listen so your Teen will Talk and Talk so your Teen will Listen.

Hi L.,
I dont think your concern should be if she is acting this way about male or female. Your concern should be the action. Nobody in anytype of relationship, should be that dependent on one another. I think that is where your concern should be. It is not healthy to rely on someong that much. I think teenagers experiment no matter what the orientation is. Would you be just as concerned if it was a boy? If so then she needs guidance on what a healthy relationship really is. Dont be a naive mom,talk to her about her feelings and actions openly. My mom was a great friend but she was always a parent first. Good luck!

umm not too be rude but didnt u ever hit the expermimental stage,how ever this sounds deeply emotionaly between them 2 and there taken it over the line.

unfortually because they so close and so emotionaly deep these 2 make not make it a phase,means if friend moves or she moves she might try another female down the raod hopefully it wont feel the same there fore will go back too men.

phase or not can u except this and show her u still want too be in her life when she 18 and got a women next too her and not a man.

get ure kid too talk about it in detail too you and dont show disapoinmtpt.

my neighbor has a 15 year old i kept tellen mom she bi mom didnt listen 1 day i walked in got both too sit and table lordy beholdy in detail she told her mom everything and mom was cool with it infact gave a show like she encouraged it but her mom and i came up with ideas about babies and natuaral birth talks and movies so now her kid not into females now we worry she go have a kid be4 age 18 so we went and got her implant in her arm she cant get prego with it for 4 years.it was almost like saying yes have sex with boys but lordy beholdy the kid got thing in her arm and well now into school studies not into guys or gals.

what i saying is no matter how u deal with this it could help it or make it worse.
just except it go along with ride.

My first question would be about her sexuality. Is she bi or gay? If so, then yes, this is relatively normal. The same sort of infatuation one has with their first boyfriend/girlfriend. Although the co-dpendance is not normal and neither is depression, but exploring you GLBT status in a primarily heterosexual society, is. She is at the age where most glbt youth "accept" who they are and "come out of the closet"
I don't think it is an unreasonable to have a chat with her about her sexuality, since it seems like it is in question, but please don't come at her with negativity. Just support, understanding, acceptance...etc. If she is in fact gay, and your family values are as such that you do not think that the touching, kissing, or dating is acceptable (regardless of the gender of her affections) then explain that to her and say, "We don't believe you are old enough to date, so the kissing and touching is inappropriate and will stop immediately. When you are ___, and we feel that you are old enough to date, we can talk then, but sex should be saved for a committed relationship (since gay people can't get married in 48 states), and we expect you to abide by that".
Before this discussion I suggest that you and your husband attend at least 1 PFLAG meeting, and read up on the issue if you are not already familiar.

DENVER
PFLAG Denver
Post Office Box 18901
Denver, CO 80218-0901
Phone: ###-###-####
Helpline: ###-###-####
http://www.pflagdenver.org
e-mail: ____@____.com

It doesn't matter what is popular, it matters what you believe is right for your family. Yes there are many teens who do this and there are many who don't. You have been uncomfortable with this friendship from the beginning because your gut is telling you something and you need to pay attention, not turn a blind eye. My mom had a similar feeling about a friend of mine. She kept telling me there was something about that girl that made her uncomfortable and she didn't like me being friends with her. There was something that didn't seem right or healthy about her and she didn't want me to get dragged into it. Luckily I figured it out on my own before really getting dragged into it and cut off the friendship myself. She had become an emotional drain on me but it took a while for me to figure it out because I was so attached to her as a friend. My mom's gut was right and yours is too. Pray about a course of action, but don't ignore this.
I also especially like Deb K's answer.

The question here is not whether it is "normal" but whether it is right, good and healthy. And to me it isn't any of those. I definitely think you should talk to her about this. Regardless of whether or not you think lesbian or bi-sexual behavior is fine or not being depressed or desperate like that in a relationship is not at all healthy. I am sure you don't want to distance your daughter from you but as her parent you need to express your concern for her morality and happiness and health (that's what we do when we love someone) and teach her how to find healthy, happy relationships. And not talking to her about this would be a big mistake (it would be a non-verbal way of saying "I don't care what you do with yourself or your life"-not at all loving and definitely going to create more distance). There is much to discuss about teenagers "experimenting" and "finding themselves" but I am more concerned with preventing her from doing inappropriate behaviors at this age that could damage her own self-esteem, self-image and future relationships.

not normal, not ok

I work with the youth and know that THIS is an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP...if it was with a BOY this would be a VERY unhealthy relationship. Whether or not your daughter is gay is not the first issue to address. I understand at 16 year olds are needing to be with friends, but being depressed when she is not with her doesn't sit right. Your gut is telling you that since you said you thought they were very Co-dependent. You know Family Counseling may help her understand her feelings,(be it gay, straight, green, blue) and give you a little insight on how to help, support and guide your child. You know relationships don't get any easier when you get older so giving her a little PROFESSIONAL guidance right know will help the both of you in the long run. Good luck, being a mommy these days are hard especially with teenagers.

this is so not normal!! is she a lesbian . or do you think she is expiermenting? i know that you are really busy with the little ones and so she thinks that you are not paying close enough attention to her and what she is doing? here is a little secret if you want to know for sure ; put the baby monitor in her room. behind the computer or under the bed.

i am pretty close with my daughter and we have a very open communication(i think ) so i would just ask her and/or let her know that if there is ever anything that she would want to tell you or talk about that you will love her and respect her for that and your feelings will never change no matter what she says.

trust your mothers intuition!!

It IS typical of teens to have one REALLY close friend (I don't mean physically... but if it is at that level, then that's not a HUGE HUGE deal). I would be concerned with how she feels when her girlfriend (is that right?) isn't around. It's just like when a boy and a girl are together... to be depressed when the other isn't around... That might be a little too dependant? Try to explain to your daughter that it IS ok to be with her girlfriend, that that isnt what bothers you. It is never healthy to be soo wrapped up in your 'partner' that you feel that way when they aren't around, and it is the way she feels that worries you. It is normal for teens to experiment. Good luck!!

I don't think this is normal behavior at all. If this friend is Co Dependent is she possibly manipulating your daughter?
Does your daughter have an interest in boys?
If my child was gay, I would of course accept them with all the love and support possible and let them know I was on their side. However a manipulative, overly depedent friend can cause a child to do things normally they wouldn't.
I suggest maybe sending your daughter to a family members or cool camp over the summer, give her and her friend some space without making it seem like that is what you are doing. I would give them distance and see what happens. You cannot force her to do anything and if she is a lesbian then of course you would love her and be there for her. I just think at 16 there is a lot of confusion going on in a teenagers brain and their definition of friendships. I am sorry, hugs and hang in there.

hi L.,

you are getting all sorts of advice-is your head swimming yet?! gosh, teenage years are tough.

my outlook on this: teenage girls especially struggle during these years with developing healthy relationships. my gosh, the power plays and dynamics that go on would be difficult for many healthy adults to handle. as a parent, i'd be having warm open non-judgemental talks with my daughter about how to establish (and recognize) a healthy relationship, be it with a g/f, b/f, sibling,parent or neighbor. interpersonal skills are hard to develop at this age and our kids can really use our steady guiding talks.

another dynamic going on at this age is the struggle our kids go through to step away from mom/dad. it's not always a pretty sight to witness as they work towards their independence. often, they substitute a parent withr a friend who controls their every thinking moment. (not healthy). it's a balance to remain being a parent who she can confide in and yet a parent who is letting her step further and further away as she searches for her independence. someone in here suggested that you work at becoming her best friend by removing the current girl in her life. well, that won't work. we are parents, not best friends. and your daughter is doing what all kids need to do: establishing her own self. definitely some parenting classes at the high school would be helpful. also, when my son was at this age, he came to me to ask for help with depression. oh man, was i caught off guard. i had had no idea and here i thought i was Mom Of THe Year. lol! so we went to a few doctors and found one he liked to talk to. worked wonderfully for him and i've since learned to realize that there is a whole network of help outside my family door that can help me/us progress through the years of teendom.

my best to you!

Whoa. I don't know what to tell you. It is not normal for teenage girls to makeout with their best friends. They usually do get close and have one really good friend, but typically end up behaving more like sisters than lovers. I have to wonder if maybe the friend may have influenced this behavior since it obviously didn't come from your home. Do you know her friend's family? Have you met her parents? That was always something my mother insisted upon. She needed to know the parents before we could go over the their homes. There may be an issue in her home that she's trying to figure out and she's using your daughter to do it because they are best friends and trust each other. Try to meet with them to discuss what is going on, and explain that you feel they are a little too young to be demonstrating this sort of behavior. See what their views are about it and try to find something to do.

Whether or not this is typical of today's teens, if it concerns you you should talk with her. Maybe even have the talk with a doctor as a mediator? It depends on your child. For any child/teen that is way too early for any sexual activity. It can be very confusing and affect you for the rest of your life. My parents never had 'the talk' with me and I really wish they had. Communication is key.

First of all I want to tell you are very brave for opening up about this issue and you are a good mom for paying attention and knowing what is happening in your daughters life. So have you talked to her about the issue? Does she think she is gay? Are you ok with this? I hope so, we may not like some things but our kids deserve unconditional love. I really don't think things have changed that much, there is just more openess and things move faster maybe. And what do you mean by deeply depressed? Like won't get out of bed? Ittritable? Is your husband her father? I am just asking since there is such a big spread in age. If her father is in another home what is there relationship like? And is she adjusting to the babie's? There may be an issue there as well. I would maybe think about counseling about the depression only if it very bad. How are her grades? Does she attend school regularly? Maybe start with some books about teens and homosexuality, this could be just a phase? I think I would be the most concerned about the depression? Maybe she is just trying to get some attention? Good luck to you!