Is This Too Much to Ask?

Well, as the relative whom a certain faction of my family thinks is very well off - let me explain that things are not always as they seem.

You have absolutely no idea of your sisters' true financial situations, nor do you know their thoughts on this other sister. Maybe they think she has to hit rock bottom so she will FINALLY turn her life around? Maybe they've helped her when you weren't aware of it? Maybe a counselor or some other expert told them to stop enabling?

IMHO, family help is for those moments when lightning strikes, i.e., someone's house burns down, they are struck with unexpected illness, etc. Family "help" is not for long-term lifestyle choices. That's called enabling.

JMO.

It's not that cut and dried. Several yrs ago I believed things just like you.
I could not imagine staying away from family or not helping family.

Then my FIL died and my mil became obviously mentally ill and addicted to her pain meds. The more help we threw at her, the more she needed. The more she attracted people who used her and she used people. Till she used us all up. She has a mental illness call Borderline Personality Disorder, BPDfamily.com. It's a shame but yes, there are limits. If we felt she had a ginune desire to change, I'm sure we would help. So would all her kids. Check the website and see if it fits your sister.

I don't know if your sister has burned her bridges or not but alcohol is still a drug for the addicted. She can get help at a shelter but she can't drink there.

Your mom playing favorites is not good but sometimes having boundaries for the things in life that hurt you is a good thing. She may be protecting herself from repeated emotional damage. That is our choice, too. It wasn't an easy choice to make. It was born of pain.

Your sisters could be doing the same thing or somewhere along the way, they stopped caring. I don't know. And neither do you. You would be better off not judging them till you spoke to them.

Here is the thing...

Your sister is the one who made the decisions that landed her in the situation she is in.

When she finally pulled herself up, just a little bit, she made another decision that put her back where she is.

You mention at your mom can't help her like she used to... This tells me that the sister has been dependent on others before... So this is NOT an "I messed up and need help" situation. This is habitual. It is possible that your rich sisters HAVE tried to help her in the past (even if not with money) and are tired of trying to deal with her.

I may sound heartless.... But I have been living in this situation for YEARS. Only my mom is the screw up. I have given her money to get back on her feet before. So has her mom. So has my brother. We didn't even know the ores had given her money, until I told my grandma how disappointed I was when she went down the wrong path yet AGAIN, after I had paid for her apartment for six months and put gas in her (borrowed) car for longer. It gets to a point that you stop trying to help someone who won't help herself; it just isn't worth the heartbreak.

If anything, I would be asking for help to get your sister ito therapy. It sounds like she needs it. THAT is a helping hand, not throwing money at her to bail her out of the situation she put herself in. There are LOTS of programs to help keep homeless people, especially women, off the streets. You just have to follow their rules. Who knows, maybe finding herself in that situation, without being saved this time, will finally wake her up to the real world. It may be the slap in the face she needs to get her act together.

If she has an apartment full of junk, and a full time job, it sounds like she has a source for some income. It's up to her to use it responsibly.

ETA: I truly do believe that family should help family through hard times... But only if that family member is actively trying to improve their own situation. I allowed my younger brother to live with me for several months, when he had no job and no where to live. But, when I found out he was smoking weed and sneaking girls into my house, and not putting any real effort into finding a job (even though I drove him to several interviews...) I had enough. I told him he had to leave... He had one week to find another place to live, or he could join job corps or the military. He chose job corps, so he got to stay with me until that started. Currently, my SIL is living with us, because she is attending school. As long as she is pulling in good grades, she won't be charged rent or any other expensive... Because SHE is putting in the effort.

Your sister needs to enter a long term rehab program, one that will allow her to live there rent free until she is compltely done. My daughter was in one and she lived there over a year. Then they supported her and helped her move into a low income apartment. Her case manager and therapist come to her apartment complex every day. They have permission to enter her apartment at any time. She has to attend AA or NA meetings every day or she has to do community service at her complex. She has to go to 2 meetings a day if she misses and has to make up any meetings.

This structure is so good for her. It keeps her on the straight and narrow.

Your sisters have come to realize that your sister needs professional help so that she can be drug free and alcohol free and make better decisions.

The thing that most people don't understand is this:

When a person "starts" drinking or doing drugs for the first time that's when their social development stops. They don't learn how to cope, how to make long lasting relationships work, how to focus, etc...they just don't know how to make decisions.

In rehab they know this and they teach the people who come live there how to make even simple choices. It takes practice and they make lots of mistakes. Since they are inpatient they are in a safe place to do that. The decisions they have there are small, like what to wear for the day or to talk about in group. Then as they progress they learn more and more about how to process their options.

I think you need to visit with your sister about this. Most programs will help her even after she gets out, sort of like a halfway house like how my daughter lives now. This is a good choice. She won't have to worry about a home, food, bills, anything except learning how to be a strong independent person.

Yes you are off the mark and asking for the wrong thing for your sister.

If you give a man a fish he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.

You can make the suggestion to your multi-millionaire sisters, and then they get to choose to help her, or not.

You have a right to make a statement to your mom, and your mom has a right to get mad.

You've stated your feelings, now let it go. Your mother will get over her anger at some point.

Usually, throwing money at people like your sister doesn't solve the problem.

Trying to help some people is just throwing money out the window.
Feel free to do so if you want to be your families personal welfare system but don't be expecting others to follow your lead and no one will thank you for it.
How ever your wealthier family members came into their cash, you have no right to suggest any re-distribution of their finances.
I know several families who have dead beat relatives.
The people who give the money get bled dry, and often end up enabling self destructive behavior of the family members who piss away cash like nobodies business.
You are WAY off the mark and your Mom is right.

It really depends on the poorer sister and the choices she is currently making. Doesn't sound like she is making any better choices even though she's off drugs. BTW, alcohol is a drug. Anything that alters your perception of reality is a drug.

So, unfortunately, as a recovering addict, I say no, wealthier sister should not help poorer sister. Helping her at this point is enabling her.

However, given poorer sister's age, it's doubtful that she's going to change and probably will die alone in the street. She needs to start making better choices NOW so that someone will help her, hopefully in the very near future.

Just because people have a lot of money doesn't mean they want to throw it away. In fact, wealthy people stay wealthy by NOT spending their money.

You are making assumptions about your "millionaire" sister. She may talk a good game - but may be in debt up to her eye balls. You don't know ANYTHING for a fact...there are people living in mansions who are dirt poor.

If your millionaire sister lives close, maybe she can have her in home and take care of her...with the premise of getting her on her feet and ready for the world...yeah, it's a little late in life but better late than never.

Your homeless sister needs skills. She needs to seek out a W.'s shelter and learn, at the tender age of 60, to care for herself. She needs a counselor to help her learn to put the past behind her, be strong again so as not to slide back in to drugs and alcohol.

You don't know what your "millionaire" sister has already done for her. You don't know if she has spent money on trying to help her only to get the short end of the stick time and time again....

Can you have your sister come live with you? In exchange help out with the kids? Maybe you need to make rules - no drinking. no smoking. etc.

I would stop judging my other family members. Since you live out of state you have no idea what they have been through trying to care for your "poor sister"....

Your whole family sounds like it needs family counseling. Doesn't sound like you people really know how to communicate with one another and there's a LOT of hostility between all of you. I can't remember the last time my mom was angry with me...it's been that long...I don't understand family relationships like that.

Good luck!

I think you're way off the mark. Being in a family means helping one another when help is requested. Did your poor sister request help from your mother or rich sisters? Why are you forcing the issue on them? It sounds to me like you're inserting yourself into a conversation that your sister needs to be having. If she can call you, she can call them. You shouldn't be the mediator.

Even so, your sisters are not obligated to help. They made good choices financially, your other sister did not.

Your sister needs to be contacting social service agencies in her area to determine if there is local help for her. Shelters, help with utilities, whatever. The Salvation Army might have help for her. But she needs to do it and not expect you to be going to the family with your hand out.

You've given us a lot of useless detail here, but it all boils down to this: Your sister has a job and makes poor choices with her money (or anything else she is given). If she's working full time, why can't she afford her apartment? Or anything else? Why hasn't she moved to a place with a lower cost of living? Or found a roomate to split the bills with?

She has a place to live for another week, and during that time she needs to be figuring out where she's going to go until she gets on her feet.

She chose this life. Giving money to someone who refuses to be responsible with their own money isn't going to help. She's managed to make it 60 years....I imagine that she'll figure something out. I suggest that you back away and tell her to contact the people she thinks can help her HERSELF. She's using you.

Tough one and there are things we don't know but one question is if your sister's money is all hers vs her husband's too... We're very well off financially and my husband has siblings who aren't "right" and are getting by with state aide and help from their mother. I don't think it'll come to it but if they ever do need us to buy them an apartment, it'll be a tough one. They're not my siblings and our money is really from my job, not my husband's... I likely would cough up the money but I'd also be po'd. I've worked hard for my money and they've really never worked vs take take take take and my husband's parents made some choices I don't agree with etc. So curious if your sister's husband is the issue here. Otherwise, I agree to just ask your sister yourself. She may have reasons like it's just money into a endless pit. I also know that my husband himself doesn't want to deal with his siblings. He can't stand them and it stresses him out. They are his family yet they're not his children... I'm sure we'd come through if we had to but again, I'd ask your sister directly. If you're not in touch with her, then sounds like it's just blood relations vs really family. Tough situation. You have my sympathy.

No, it's not too much to ask and I'm sorry your mom and sisters feel that it is. It reminds me a story I read recently....

"A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when ONE OF US is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. How true is this!!"

If your sister is an addict and no longer using drugs, but drinking, she has simply switched her drug of choice.
I put my alcoholic ex-husband out of our home and divorced him. For several months, he bounced from one homeless shelter to another. I allowed his cats to stay at the house with me. Even after he had apparently gotten it together (sober nine months, which was the longest he had ever gone without a drink in the eight years we were together), and wanted to come home, I told him "No." Some relationships, once broken, can't be fixed. Sometimes, even when people are trying to get their lives together, there are consequences for past behavior that have to be faced.
Why was your sister evicted? Because of the boyfriend?
If she has a full-time job, why isn't she paying her rent?

I don't think you're way off the mark. I think that family is supposed to help each other if they can, even when help is not requested. That's what families should do in an ideal world. How can your wealthy sisters just ignore one of their sisters who is in trouble? Even if they don't help financially (because they shouldn't become enablers), they should not ignore their sister. Your sister has no one but her family.

I think it would be nice if you all got together and help come up with a plan for the sister in trouble (because she's probably incapable of that now) then talk to her about it. Have an intervention. Try to convince her to go to rehab and get her life back on track. Love from family may make all the difference.

To the "get her an apartment" concept - remember that there are serious legal consequences for putting one's name on a piece of property, as owner or renter. For anyone (rich sister or your mother) to do that and then turn over the actual living-there part to a "loose cannon" like your evicted sister...that's quite a gamble! And could create many many problems for whichever sister or parent decided to try that, since their name would be on the official documents for the apartment.

If you think your sister is really deserving here, maybe you could make a "pact" with your rich sisters to say that you will each send her a check for $X, each pay for one week of rehab, etc. Sure, that might make a bigger dent in your bank account than in theirs, but at least you'd all be "sharing". (And when your rich sisters see your dedication to the cause, maybe they'll be moved to send her a little extra.)

I've known people of means who have afforded similar "guarrantees" of basics for family who are addicted, destitute or otherwise poorly off. It could be done.

Out of curiousity, why did you approach your mother with the idea rather than millionaire or multimillionaire sisters directly?

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

yes you are way off the mark in my book. You don't get to pick how family helps family, and if they do or not. Your family probably sees your sister as habitual, and doesn't think any help from them will help her get her life in order. Your sister doesn't need a hand out. She needs some deep counseling and maybe a companion (not a boyfriend) to help her with her day to day life so she can get on track. Just because your sisters have lots of money doesn't mean it is their responsibility to give their money to the family. I'm sure they worked hard and smart for what they have. Your sister needs to have a desire to change and until that happens nothing is going to work for her and complaining to your mom about your 2 sisters lack of compassion for your other sister is only going to make you have an ulcer.

You're not off the mark.
The sad thing is YOU are the only O. that had this compassionate thought.

That said, if your sister is still using (drugs or alcohol) then I think money would be better first spent on detox/rehab/ recovery, IF she's agreeable to that.