Is This Normal? - Tampa,FL

Hi H.,
Does he let you go out if you want? I would feel the same way as you do. I would start planning something special for the 2 of you to do on Friday nights, of you should start going out on Fridays! I don't know where you are in Tampa, but I can easily be available to hang out on a Friday night and meet for a cocktail or two! Let me know, I am a busy mom of 3 and would love to get away from it all! Good luck! M.

H.,

When you are married, I dont think it's wrong for someone to go out you need that time but i do not think he needs to be going to the wing house each and ecvery fri night, maybe going to play pool...I would prob question that...Do you not trust him? If you do not trust him then you should def do something to change that,
I know how ya feel, I was cheated on with my daughters father and he chose to cheat on me w my best friend so needless to say him and i are no longer together and her and i are not friends..
If you need someone to talk to i am here for you maybe we can be friends, i am a single mom of a little girl who is 5. I know how ya feel
jen

Dear H. S,

First of all, let me say that any man...married to you or just dating...should NEVER, EVER be looking at other women while in your presence. It's disrespectful to you, but mostly to himself because the women he is staring at most likely do not appreciate his behavior anymore than you do. Its degrading to them as well. Don't get me wrong when I said "in your presence". That doesn't give him the right to look while not in your presence either, but we cannot control what happens when we are not around. His actions and behavior are just not becoming of a true, honest, and loving man and most women who really care about themselves see right through him and are definitely NOT IMPRESSED.

Regarding him hanging out with a girl at work and lying about it to you....BIG FAT NO-NO AND A MAJOR SCREW-UP. I depise lying probably more than anything....and if your husband does something that he has to "cover up" with a lie, then he already knows he is in the wrong for doing it or he wouldn't care about telling you the truth. Again, he should not be placing himself in those kinds of situations or scenarios when he has a wife and a child. Once again, he is not only degrading himself, but you and your child that you have together. A responsible and mature husband and/or father would not conduct himself in such a manner if he had any respect for himself. Believe me, by his "looking" or flirty attitude...he is making himself look like a complete fool and it will only attract others to him that are just like he is or just like he is acting. Not you, but other women who are lower than sleezy, as well as his guy friends who agree with his behavior.

Stop beating yourself up about "baby weight"....you just gave birth a short while ago and it's not fair to do that to yourself or your child. Believe me, they can pick up on how you react to certain things about yourself. So, hold your head high and do not down yourself.

And, your husband is not "flirting" because of your weight....its because of his own insecurities about himself. He is lacking something in his "manhood" and having his own self esteem issues or he wouldn't have wondering eyes always looking for that certain someone to validate him and acknowledge him. He sounds very immature, insecure, and childish. A lot of men just like him always believe that they have something to prove and this is their way of coping or "proving" their manhood. Don't fall for it....

You have to decide how much of his behavior you are going to take, how long you are going to allow this to continue in your relationship with him, and whether or not he can give you what you need. He needs to grow up, be a husband and father and stop playing his "little boy" games.

I am all for husbands having their friends to hang with, talk with, and just have fun, but never at the expense of the wife, the child, and/or your marriage and relationship. That's much too much of a high price to pay just because he doesn't know how a husband and father should act while out in public with his friends, or at home with his family. He definitely can have fun, but not when it hurts the one he says that he loves, because it will jeopardize and strain your relationship in a major way.

You and your husband are not always going to agree on this issue of him going out with the guys, etc., but the very least your husband should do is to realize that his actions and his words can cause unrepairable damage and could cost him his marriage.

So, no H.....you are not wrong to feel the way that you do considering the actions of your husband. I hate to say this to you, but his behavior might just be a big part of his personality and unfortunately some personality traits just cannot be changed, altered, of fixed.

I wish you the best of luck and I will pray that God will watch over you and show your husband that what he is doing to you is causing some major problems within your relationship and your marriage. I pray that God will show your husband that he owes his child a better role model than the one that he is giving to your son. Children learn what they live, and at 9 months old...I guarantee that your son can pick up on the tension, the pain, the hurt, and the anxiety relating to this situation. He is picking up on it because babies have a keen sense about them that they can definitely feel what you all feel. So, believe me....your husband's actions are extremely crucial to the raising of your son and how your son views the world around him.

I give you this advice first as a wife and mother; and secondly as a professional. I have a degree in Early Childhood Development and Pediatric Psychology. I hope that what I have offered here to you is beneficial and that your husband comes to realize very soon how everything he does not only affects him, it affects you and most important it affects your child.

T. H.

I don't think its wrong exactly. If he had been honest with you in the beginning before you moved down here it probably wouldn't be as bad. Also, the change in attitude right before he goes doesn't help either. But at the same time, I know that 8 months later I still have horrible hormonal ups and downs which may also be making you more sensitive to it. Have you tried talking to him about it on a day that he isn't going? I know for a long time when we first got together, if my husband thought I was trying to "control" him he would get the same way. So I finally had to find a day when we were both in a good place and explain that I wasn't his ex-wife and it was hard enough for me to control my own life let alone try to control his, but there were some things that made me uncomfortable. And I do agree with you btw that every single week seems a bit much. Before we got married my husband used to go to Hooters for lunch with the guys quite often. Without me saying anything at all he stopped doing that. I know I'm rambling...I hope this hels.

Hi H.,
First of all, let me say that I understand the point you are trying to make and your concerns. Before I begin, I just want to say this is just my opinion--I am not an expert at relationships by any means. I don't feel going to the Wing House occassionally with the guys is necessarily a detrimental thing. Many men and women enjoy going to a public establishment like the Wing House after work to unwind and socialize with fellow employees. The problem here, I think, is your history with each other, and his intentions. You obviously have had a trust issue with him in the past. He wasn't totally open with you about "hanging out" with a girl at work, and that can throw anyone's guard up. Also, you mentioned his general behavior (from the past?) towards women--the flirting, etc. I can see how you could be sensitive to his going, especially after having a baby, when you might be redefining yourself or dealing with postpartum hormones. The questions to ask yourself and him, is why is he going. What are his intentions?. I feel if the two of you could come to a comfortable middle ground, it would be less of an issue. Maybe he could go every other Friday, or you could go with him occassionally (unless you don't like that sort of place). Another problem here is he doesn't seem too concerned or sensitive to your feelings. Have you expressed to him how it makes you feel? In marriage, I believe each person should definitely respect and be sensitive to the other's feelings. If he is not to your's, that is another issue. If it is upsetting enough to you, maybe he should reevaluate how important it is for him to go. Is it worth hurting your feelings? I do feel you guys can settle this and get on with your lives. If trust continues to be an issue, I would seek marriage counseling before the problem gets too big. Counseling can be very helpful, and you shouldn't feel ashamed to go if it is going to help your relationship. Good luck to you and a future happy marriage!

Hey H. this may sound a little devious but who says you can't get a baby sitter to take the kids out of the house for a couple hours and let him know on Wednesday that you've planned a big night for the two of you on Friday. Go by the Wing House pick up some wings grab a six pack of his favorite beer and show him that what is at home is much more appetizing than what is at the Wing House. Have fun

I don't think it's wrong of you to feel that way at all. However, I've been told by other women that I'm too insecure and jealous or possessive with my husband, but I always felt that there's a difference between being insecure and needing to work on myself or a man who gives us reasons to feel that way. That's what I used to tell my husband - that while I may need to work out or feel better about myself, I also need him to not give me reasons to feel that way (and same goes for yours) and to help me "get better". Bottom line is he needs to listen to how you feel - try to get him to focus on that instead of black & white right or wrongs. Men are infamous for trying to defend that they're not technically doing anything wrong, but just keep telling him it's how he's making you feel and that he has the power to help you feel good, not bad. Do you trust him - I mean, do you think he's looking to misbehave or just looking and flirting? Other people have told me there's nothing wrong with flirting, but again, I sensitive to even that because I feel that if you're doing something you can't do in front of your wife, you shouldn't be doing it at all because it'd be hurtful/wrong. My husband's a looker/flirt and I get upset and tell him that if he looks a few times, ok, that's natural, but if he looks past me 10 times in public, that makes me FEEL uncomfortable (or flirting, which he says he's not doing, but he's probably just a natural and doesn't even realize it). Always go with how it makes you feel and try to ask him to consider your feelings because otherwise, they get defensive and say they're not doing anything "wrong". Sometimes all we can do is realize they're men and we're women and just try to be there for each other as women because I've been battling these feelings for 5 years now and still trying to figure out how not to let things bother me. I'm 7 mo. pregnant and worry too about weight making it even harder to handle once I have no more baby in the belly excuse. I know I'm going to have to exercise though because that's the part I can do something about...as far as they go, all we can do is try to explain how we feel and what it's like being a woman. Try not to feel like it's your fault, because it has nothing to do with you at all. Best wishes!!

I believee that once you have chosen to marry someone you give up certain things. You should talk to him about how you feel have an open communication see how he reacts to your concerns don't hold it in it will only get worse. After you have spoken to him about how you feel see what actions he takes.