There's an attractive, married guy that comes to your work every day. (You have an on-and-off boyfriend that you don't get to see as much as you'd like.). He's super friendly and chatty and you you have lots to talk about. You think you could be great friends. He sometimes hangs out and helps you clean up. He goes to the gym a lot and trains his friends so he invites you to come too. He invites you to his house for get-togethers and to watch movies. You sometimes go out to eat together with his wife, sometimes not. He's brought you lunch at work once. He jokes with you like you're one of the guys. you text every day (usually about meeting at the gym) and you've exchanged dirty jokes that included boobs and penises. He has helped you shop for a swimsuit online. (You sometimes swim instead of lifting weights at the gym.)
this happened pretty quickly, over a span of a month and a half maybe?
He made a point to say that he's married and not looking for anything but a friend. What would you be thinking/feeling in this situation?
--ETA: i wrote this from the perspective of the other woman so i could show my husband how other woman would feel in her place. i would NEVER be the other woman. we are high school sweethearts with no experience with other people so we didn't have any learning experience with the opposite sex. i feel like he didn't trust my intuition so i wanted to show him what other women think, that i'm not just a jealous wife. in any case, their friendship is no longer.
this happened over a month and a half maybe? i told him that i wasn't comfortable with how much time he was spending with her. (he did stop hanging out at her workplace.) he thought i was just being insecure so we all hung out so i could get to know her. i never felt comfortable with it. one drunken dinner party at our house proved my point (coincidentally the day after she broke up with her boyfriend? hmm..). she looked like a dog that got kicked in the gut when i threatened to kick her a** and walked out the door with her tail between her legs. i don't think she would have made the attempt sober. she understood that it was a deal-breaker and said she'd leave us alone and she has. i don't think my husband gets that this was the appropriate response, that she's not just doing it because i can't handle him having a female friend.
anybody want to change their response? i knew i'd get a lot of responses with this one :P
I think Bug nailed it for me. Don't want to be that woman.
And for what it's worth, most guys who are happily married and not looking to cat around don't bring other women lunch or go shopping with them unless it's their mom or sister.
I'd cool it off, right away. Be more into the boyfriend or find an unmarried guy who is looking for a relationship. I've seen this before... it ain't pretty and it didn't end well.
Men and women who are friends don't have to establish boundaries unless boundaries are being crossed.
I think I would not want to be his wife.
I think he thinks you guys are friends. Especially since he made it a point to say he's married and wants to be friends. Don't be that girl who tries to break up a marriage. If you're looking for more with him, you need to distance yourself.
i would be uncomfortable. i would feel i was disrespecting his wife. a straight, married, innocent man does not need to swimsuit shop with a single woman, even online. also, how long has this been going on? if it's years, then ok maybe it's innocent. if it's a year, six months - less? then i'd say the jury is still out on his "true" motives. guys can be awful patient...ya know? (and don't think that anything he's done or said TRULY means he doesn't have ulterior motives. nothing you've shared has convinced me. the only thing that would, is if you'd tell me this has gone on for 2 years with ZERO flirtation of any kind. then maybe...)
funny thing. in my teens and early twenties, i had several guy "friends" that i thought were truly "friends" because they said that. i would get close and care about them - but, funny thing. once they came right out and made it obvious what they wanted, and i declined - we weren't "friends" anymore. no matter how hard i tried. so maybe i'm a bit jaded. in my experience, a man saying he just wants to be friends...means about jack diddly.
After ETA: smart girl! Really, your H doesn't know women well or he has some self esteem issues that need addressing. The guy I wrote about does have self esteem problems and needs lots of affirming words and actions to shore it up. That's part your job and a good place for a counselor, either a marriage counselor or a personal one for your H.
Original
I will give you a true example.
I have a friend who WAS married to a guy like this.
He was the type who had lots of friends like this. He was on the city counsel. He had lots of excuses for lunch dates. They didn't all know about each other. He would go shopping with them. He would tell his wife about some of them . He was also contacting women on the Internet to "cheat" or just lunch and flirting. He ask her for a divorce but never told her about the cheating. They went to marriage counseling for almost two years. Till she found the emails and the phone numbers, of single women, married women, women from the Internet. He was stringing 3 along while going to counseling with her.
So if you think YOU are special..not so much.
I'd think of telling the guy this: "Out of respect for your wife, I'm going to have to decline your invitations unless your wife is the one inviting me."
I wouldn't mess with a married man - especially these days where so much information is "out there" and you could be playing with fire without knowing it.
Sorry to be so direct. Flirting is for singles who are (or aren't) looking for relationships. And married couples, of course. ;-)
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Well, he's married and I'm not the one married to him. That makes me a trouble maker,and a homewrecker if this relationship goes any further. To me, it has crossed too many lines to call this a "friendship." He's flirting and getting his ego stroked because he's getting a positive responseI. It also makes him a sorry excuse for a husband, EVEN if he's got marriage problems, there are no excuses for a married person to be having a relationship like you described with someone who is not his wife. He is out of line, the relationship is inappropriate and I should stop interacting with him.
I think Sara is probably right, but to be on the safe side, I would make it a point to include his wife in more of your outings, and probably not ask a man who isn't your partner, or your gay fashion consultant, to help you choose a swimsuit.
I would be thinking that both people in this situation lack boundaries and have a completely different moral compass me. I would also say the woman is deluding herself if she thinks this wont end badly. I hope there are no children involved.
The only way any of this is cool is if he's gay.
_______
I'm a tomboy.
I have LOTS of male friends
That's not how I act with any of them.
That's how I act with guys I'd like to sleep with
I think everyone' intentions need to be evaluated and understood. Maybe some of the sexual inuendos could be toned down, however it's not for me to decide. I agree that the wife's feelings should be understood and respected as well.
It feels like it's crossing the line slightly. Is his wife okay with all this intimacy?
When I was young, I thought I was one of the "guys," but now that I'm older, not only do I think that guys are dumb and I prefer the company of interesting females, but I know that there is rarely such a thing as a female being "one of the guys," especially if she's at all attractive. Adansmama nailed it.
It's too much closeness, IMO. Bathing suit shopping is really over the top. It's hard to imagine his wife being okay with it.
I'm thinking I would NOT want to be that guy's wife.
He sounds like a creep.
After your SWH: I still wouldn't want to be his wife. He's either a creepy perv or totally clueless. Neither of those traits are what I want in a spouse.
I would think he is taking his time to lure me into a false sense of security and that I may someday be the catalyst or cause of the break up of a marriage and a family. Quite clear, really.
All I have to say is that if you are developing feelings, leave him alone. I don't know his intentions, but this question reads like you are interested in him and trying to figure out if its mutual. Leave him alone. His is married.
Creepy. Find an available guy and have less time for this one.
He is trying to cheat and not happy in his marriage or you're inviting him to be in trouble with his wife
I'd be thinking, "Hmm, he has no problem doing things that look and feel like him being unfaithful to his wife. And if he has no problem doing that to someone he's made very specific promises to (i.e. wedding vows) then he won't have any problems doing the same thing to someone he hasn't made those vows with. What a jerk!"
And honestly, I wouldn't even be friends with him.
I don't think anyone understood your post. How long have you been married, do you have kids, and has he done this before?
So per this situation:
THIS is where.... YOUR impulse control, comes into play.
YOUR own, impulse control.
It is a choice.
It is a choice, to be rational and not get carried away by it.
And not be a victim swept up into someone else's drama, if you feel werid about it.
This is, where YOUR impulse control comes into play.
And about being, an adult.
