Is This Friend Trying to Take Advantage of Me?

Well she's free to ask.
You just need to quit avoiding it and tell her a firm 'No, sorry but that's not going to work for me'.
She can try to make you feel guilty but she won't succeed if you don't let her.
Her finances and income and child care situation have nothing to do with you.
You certainly didn't get her pregnant.
Never be afraid to say 'No' - it's a perfectly good legitimate answer.

"I'm sorry, I can't do it."

And then on days when you can do it, and you want to do it, say yes.

Tell her hubby said no.

Then hand her an application for child care assistance through the local social services agency. If she's truly not able to afford child care for him then she should get assistance to pay that for her so she can work.

I was a SAHM for 11 years and I would supplement my family income by providing child care from home. When someone would ask me to babysit for them I would tell them my rates. There were a couple of moms that would trade childcare services with me as well. If she asks again I would tell her how much it will cost her per hour or per day.

Yep, that's what it sounds like, but that's not even the point. If it's inconvenient for you, then you should not be afraid to say that. It's okay to want to do a kind thing, but you don't owe this to anyone, especially not at the expense of your family.

She made herself clear that she was 'taking advantage' when she brought up the single mom card.

Just say "no...I can't do it - sorry I can't help"

You don't need a long excuse, just say that you've got a lot going on right now...because you do!

She'll get the message that you're not available. She's not the first single mom with child care issues...but that doesn't mean that you have to take time from your family.

sounds to me as if she is. i'd be very taken aback if someone imposed on me to this degree. now, if i had offered, that would be a different matter.
courteous, firm, inflexible.
'sorry, mary, i won't be able to do that.'
no cracks in the door. no apologies. no explanations.
khairete
S.

A friend of mine and I used to trade babysitting favors. We discussed right from the start that it was a sort-of co-op, and tried to make sure our requests of each other were pretty even. She moved and I miss that. We each helped each other out as much as possible.

I am becoming friends with another family and have asked them to watch my child when I was stuck (eg, a 2 hour school delay announced at the last moment and I had to be at work on time). But always, I make plans to reciprocate within a week (thanks so much for this today, is there a day next week when it would be helpful to have DS come to my house? Which day?)

But when she asked you to watch him for 10 hours, she crossed a line from a potential friendly babysitting trading arrangement to crossing a line. And does she ever make an effort to do the same for you?

Draw clear boundaries: either decide on a rate that you want to charge her for watching her child, or just say that you have plans and can't help her. Don't ignore her messages, that will just encourage her to send more of them, because maybe you didn't get the first message. If you want to say no, then clearly say no every time.

She's out of line, but she doesn't think so. No mom, stay-at-home or not, should presumed to be free to babysit other people's kids. It's not just you. She's a little nuts to think it's absolutely fine to leave her kid with other people for free for anything other than pure social playdates or an equal exchange among old friends or relatives...

If she works and cannot afford daycare then maybe she needs to stay home. I know a LOT of stay-at-home moms who don't work (including myself) because it wouldn't cover the cost of daycare so what's the point? And none of my working friends expect me to watch their kids for them.

None of this is your problem. Just say you're not able to do it in whatever way you are most comfortable saying it and don't feel bad. For her to make you feel guilty shows she's not a nice, rational or fair person. You can say no each time until she gives up, or you can announce "I can never watch your child all day while you work" if that's what it takes. It's never fun to have to say things you shouldn't have to say, but if you just hide out it looks like you're the bad guy. Answer her.

Btw, this is a VERY common pattern with people: They ask a little thing and then a bigger one and a bigger one and a bigger one until they hit their boundary. You said yes to a smaller child-care stint, so she's pressing on. Some people aren't good self-regulators with good codes of conduct. Draw the line.

I'm a SAHM but I don't babysit. I've helped friends out in a true pinch, but I am not the person you call when you want a night out, and I will not run your errands for you.

I've been totally upfront about it with people who have asked if I'd consider taking care of their kid on a regular basis. I tell them that I don't want the work or the responsibility of providing childcare for other people's kids.

Only one person got all offended about it. Good riddance.

When you talk to her, don't start out with "Sorry but..." because it indicates that you might be able to be badgered into changing your mind.

Just say yes when you want to (having her son for a few hours as a playmate is fine and probably nice for you) and no when you don't.
All day? No, that's not good for me.
And leave it at that.
I would also ask HER some time, to watch your son, while you go out to dinner with your husband or a friend.
If she's a nice person she'll be happy to return the favor, and if not, well, I'd set some serious boundaries, now.

Oh man - I hate when people do that! Yes, this woman is trying to take advantage of you. It's one thing to ask a friend to watch your child for an hour or two so you can have dinner out or go to the doctors, but only infrequently! It's never OK to assume that stay at home parents are just sitting around bored and want to watch other people's children (especially for free).

Simply ignore her, or call her on her rude behavior if you want.

Your husband is right. Set a distance with her, and when you don't want to say no. She's a classic opportunist. Set boundaries with this one. I only let certain people in my close circle that I can trust and don't have to worry about if they are trying to get over on me. I don't have the time or energy. The only reason you two are "friends" is because of your kids. She isn't really your friend. If she's trying to be, she's going about it the wrong way. However, she has no interest in being your friend. She's trying to use you and get what she can out of it. She's a grown woman and it's her responsibility to find care for her child. Don't put the burden of her finances on your back. You need to only worry about your household.

Updated

Your husband is right. Set a distance with her, and when you don't want to say no. She's a classic opportunist. Set boundaries with this one. I only let certain people in my close circle that I can trust and don't have to worry about if they are trying to get over on me. I don't have the time or energy. The only reason you two are "friends" is because of your kids. She isn't really your friend. If she's trying to be, she's going about it the wrong way. However, she has no interest in being your friend. She's trying to use you and get what she can out of it. She's a grown woman and it's her responsibility to find care for her child. Don't put the burden of her finances on your back. You need to only worry about your household.

Yes, she is taking advantage of you. She may not see herself as doing so, and you can point out to her that you area also a single-income family, and that you chose to stay home to care for your owen child, not everyone else's. It's not your fault if she has to pay for day care. It may no, in fact, be anyone's "fault," - it's also not your job to provide it for free just because you are at home and she isn't.
I chose to be a single mom, worked my entire pregnancy, took six weeks maternity leave, and went back to work, putting my daughter in day care, and paying for it. I would not have dreamed of asking my SAHM friends for free babysitting.

I think you need to get comfortable saying 'no' if it's a 'no' and not avoid the conversation. She needs information from you about your limits and preferences.

I sometimes have traded care with other parents (we both acknowledged that this wasn't just a play date, this was a FAVOR we were each doing for the other), but usually the etiquette is for the one parent to invite the other child TO the asking parent's house for the playdate. As in, if I want company for my Kiddo, I invite the other parent to drop their kid off, etc. If we know each other pretty well, it's fine to ask for a favor every now and again, but those conversations are usually pretty straight-up with "could you take Joey on Tuesday? I have a doctor's appointment,... I could take the kids on Saturday for a couple hours"... there's the offer of reciprocity there.

Give your answer and let her figure out if she wants to offer her time in exchange (if you want to trade care, then be up front about it).

NO ONE can take advantage of you. You allow it to happen. PERIOD.
NO ONE can "make" you feel guilty...YOU ALLOW them to have that power over you.

DO YOU WANT to do this? If the answer is NO. Then tell her NO. DO NOT be like an ostrich and hide your head in the sand. It's NOT going to go away. IF you are already allowing her to make you feel guilty - you are going to do things to avoid her. Which will negatively affect your life. Deal with this issue. NOW.

If you want to. Then say YES. UNDER THESE CONDITIONS. Make sure everything is in writing...if you are only going to watch her child and not open a home day care - I don't know if you need to licensed, certified and insured...how would payment work...yes. payment. If you are going to do this - it's NOT for free. Set up a contract - drop off and pick up.

Taxes - does she want to count you on taxes? If so - then you might have to set up a business account for taxes, etc.

If the answer is NO. Tell her NO. Stand up for yourself. Do NOT avoid this.

Good luck!

Could be, maybe not, it's a little hard to tell at this point. You say she's an acquaintance and not a good friend, so you might not be able to fully "read" her yet, if you know what I mean. Plus, it can be really hard to understand the tone of emails, and sometimes we can take them in a different way than in the way the sender intended. Not saying you did that you did, but just a thought.

I know this can be difficult, but you might need to be firmer in saying no. I have a hard time doing that too, but I'm learning.

I don't know if this is an option for you, so take this with a grain of salt, but the next time she brings up her limited income and inability to afford childcare, perhaps you offer to help her make a weekly or monthly budget. This might be a proactive way to get her to stop complaining about her budget. Or you could say, "Yes we have a tight budget too but we always seem to make it work." That might make her stop making comments.

Good luck.

ETA: After reading some of the other responses, there is a saying that comes to mind that my Grandma taught me: "Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them." Food for thought.

It's the guilt thing that bothers me. That rings some bells.

You will have to learn to say, no, and it looks like you are going to be strong enough to do it. What are you going to do if you can't? Babysit for free the rest of the kids life?

You could ask her when her day of is, because you'd like to leave your kid with her for 10 hours. That's crazy, right? You wouldn't even do that to another stay at home mom. Its rude and assuming. You would not dream of guilting someone about it. That's emotional blackmail and it's not done by healthy people.

A playdate is good. All day is not going to work for you.

Your husband is correct. Nip that in the bud right now and learn to say no. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty.

She is not in her situation because of you and it is not your job to watch her child for free. She got in her situation, she needs to figure things out and be responsible for herself and her child.

I had a "friend" like that once. You learn quickly who the users are and keep your distance or they will suck you dry if you let them.

Test her and ask her to watch your son a couple of hours and you will quickly get your answer. She sounds like a classic user.

She shouldn't feel bad asking for a favor sometimes and you shouldn't feel bad saying no. If that makes sense.

When I was a stay at home mom, friends of my husband's asked if I would come get their kids off to school. I thought it would be a great and easy way to make some money. When I realized they weren't paying me at all, I stopped. My husband and I agreed it was ridiculous. I was getting myself (pregnant) and our 1 year old daughter out of the house at 630am to go to their house and hang for a couple of hours. It only lasted maybe two weeks.

You have to be firm in telling her no. Because I have done both, I know staying at home is a busy job and you don't sit on the couch watching TV all day. If you do, and it's what you want to do, that's fine too - it's your time!! It sounds to me that she has no idea what it's like to be a stay at home parent, and that she has taken advantage of other people as well.

If you want to tell her you'll do it on very rare occassions, that's great. But if you don't want to do it at all, that's fine too. She will either understand or back off.

Lots of good replies here, and yes, she is taking advantage of you. The fact that she sent a message to "guilt" you and played the "single-income" card (to your single-income family!) is a huge red flag that she was always all about finding someone to provide free care.

I would add: You mention that you did not reply to the message where she asked for a 10-hour babysitting marathon. Be sure next time to reply right away (if there is a next time -- unfortunately for your son he might have lost his little friend because I'm betting mommy is going to move on to find him other "friends" whose moms will babysit for free). Reply promptly that it's not a good time and you can't take her son for X hours at a time. Replying right away shuts the door on her asking again or pleading with you. If she pleads that she's desperate, she needs the care NOW, she has to do something for work and just has no one else -- don't cave. Anything short of a real medical emergency should get a "no."

When she asks next time, say something like: "I'm sorry to hear you're in that situation and it's tough, but I can't take Billy for you then. Once you're past this immediate need, you might want to talk to the county because I understand that their social services office has programs to help with care for kids whose parents work and that might be a more regular long-term option for you. But no, I can't take Billy." She's going to be mad and say you're condescending to her, but if she can't get her act together to find the services available, it's on her head.

I won't be surprised if she fades out of your life pretty quickly once she realizes you are not going to say yes AND her guilt trips won't work on you. From your post it sounds as if you're somewhat doubting yourself here and wondering if you are being nice enough -- don't let your own very real niceness make you say yes when it will only open the door to a stream of requests.

Search Mamapedia. This has come up before pretty recently a few times -- stay at home parents (both moms and dads) who get taken advantage of when other parents dump kids with them. You will see that there are just people out there who think they can get away with this

Simply tell her no. Your feelings of guilt is all you, not her. All this "taking advantage" is a nice story you made up in your head. Change the story line.....leave out the drama....answer her question.

S.

Yes-she is; otherwise, she would offer to have your son over on her days off from work, or give you a chance to have a date night with your husband.

often, some people seem to think stay at home moms have it easy.. generally, I think they are more busy than most, this includes some jobs outside the home.. so yes, I do think she's taking advantage... TRUST your gut instinct.... I am not saying that helping someone out isn't a good thing, but there needs to be boundaries upfront. Also, even if all you did was lounge all day, that is your business............ it's your life, do as you please..
again, trust your instinct..

Yes. I don't know if she's doing it intentionally. She may just appreciate your good will, and feel comfortable with you, without having a real social gauge of what's appropriate.

You'll do both of you a favor by letting her know that while you're comfortable watching him for an hour or two from time to time...full days are not going to work for you. ...Unless she would like to pay you for that time (and you are interested in that).

Yes. For some reason, working moms think stay at home moms don't do anything all day. I have some stay at home mom friends, but the only time I've taken my kiddo over there during the day is because they've requested having her, like during the summer, if their kids want a playmate for the day. This lady seems to think you just sit around twiddling your thumbs and are happy to have something else to do. Let her know you aren't available for daycare unless she pays you. In advance.

Taking advantage makes it sound like she is trying to put one over on you. She is just asking for help and it on you to say yes or no.

I was a single working mom for a while but I was lucky because my older kids were in their late teens and did my bidding. :) Even with my luck I had some idea how scary it is when you don't have a spouse to have your back.

Just tell her regular sitting it just too much for you, or don't if you can handle it, but say if you are in a bind call me and I will see, or something like that.

She isn't taking advantage of you.

I'd be careful and keep your boundaries as is. You seem to be doing fine, but it sounds like she is looking for more help than you can provide. I work from home and have many SAHM friends who occasionally take my kiddos out and about during the work day in the summer, because they know it helps me. However, I never rely on that as childcare and only accept when it is offered. Meaning, I don't ask. I also take their kids on many outings and have them over for play dates as well. Occasionally I have a little one here for a whole day when their Dad needs to work and doesn't have childcare, but it is only once or twice a year and he asks well in advance. I'm happy to help him if we don't already have plans. So, keep saying no, and only offer to do play dates if it works for you.

Once a year my daycare is closed for a week and I guess I do ask some of my teacher friends and my friend who runs a daycare to watch my kiddo 1 day while day care is closed. But I do offer to pay them bring breakfast, snacks, or lunch. They never take me up on it but i always offer. I still always bring stacks for my guy and her kids. But I only ask becasue that week for some reason I can not take off of work. They don't mind but I would never guilt them into it or just expect someone to do that on a regular basis for nothing. That to me seems like she is trying to take advantage of you.

It may be that she's not *deliberately* taking advantage of you with malice aforethought. It may be that, having been helped graciously by you a few times, she *assumes* you're willing to help again (and again) when she wants you to. You haven't said no, have you?

In that case, you're going to need to take charge of the situation - to say yes when you are willing and able to watch her boy, and to say no at other times. Let her know, in a firm but friendly way: "I'm glad to have Kenny over sometimes, but other times it's just not going to work. Call me early when you have a need, so you have time to find someone else if I have to turn you down."

Her response will tell you what you need to know.

Yep, she is either taking advantage OR she has very very bad social skills and simply does not realize the rudeness of her requests.

I am a working mom and would not even considering asking someone else to take care of my child for free. I have a plan for full time care, and when we have "one off" days and I need help, if my mother or husband cannot help, then I put in for a vacation day. Would never, ever consider asking a person I have just met to watch my kids. Period.

Perhaps she is, perhaps she isn't.

You have a few options-
1. To even the playing field, assuming you trust her with the supervision of your kid, and the kids enjoy each other's company. Ask her to return the favor. You get some free care.

2. Don't be concerned with her motivations, but continue to schedule play dates, when it works for you and your kids, (inevitably giving her a breather, but on your terms).

3. Put some distance between you, so sorry we are busy (hey frankly, we are always busy, even if we are busy watching the grass grow and the paint dry). She might get the hint.

4. Be frank about it, say, I am concerned you are taking advantage of my SAHM status. You need to make other arrangements for child care.

Best,
F. B.

She is defintely taking advantage of you.
I am also a SAHM.Ihave friends that work full,part time or are SAHM. Two ladies have taken advantage of me. The one lady is a good friend. The other lady I offered to watch her occasionally if she was stuck. Her son was friends with one of my children. She was rude. She just expected me to watch her son. I told her no.
I think that is extremely pushy that she asked you to watch her son for 10 hrs. I wouldn't of responded either.

I think she is. Helping her out once in a while is nice, but she should Not EXPECT you to do it, or try to guilt trip you into it.

If she brings up her income and how she can't afford day care, you could give her a pamphlet on the care aid in your area. IF her income is really so tight, she should be able to qualify. If not, then she needs to assess her financial priorities and figure it out herself.

I think you set up the expectation by doing it once. why shouldn't she think you would be willing again.

so if you aren't willing, tell her no.

even if you worked but worked 11pm to 10 am and you offered even once to watch her kid from noon-4 pm she would think it was ok to ask again. so it's not a SAHM vs Working mom it's just people that get comfy w favors really quick vs those that haven't had to.

Of course she's taking advantage of you. My mom does the same to me. lol She knows I'm home during the day so she bombards me with things she needs me to do.

I would email her back and be pretty blunt. Tell her that SAHM's that watch other peoples kids during the day are no longer considered SAHM's...they are then considered DAYCARE PROVIDERS AND ARE PAID WELL FOR IT. Then give her a price if you are willing to do that. If not, tell her you understand her situation and although you don't mind helping on a RARE occasion, you have your hands full during the day as it is. Good luck.

Could be.
I dont know for sure.
Yes, people take advantage of other people all. the. time.
If you're kind hearted person, it can happen before you realize it because you aren't cynical & suspecting.
Just be honest.

As a soon-to-be-divorced mom, I have much sympathy for this woman. But I understand your predicament too. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, and I have a friend who is going to nursing school and is often asking me for child care. Sometimes I do watch her kids or pick them up from school, and sometimes I don't. But I only do what I am comfortable with, and she doesn't make it awkward for me when I say no. She also watches my kids sometimes too.

It doesn't sound like she is trying to take advantage of you….yet. Just politely say no whenever you just don't want to do it. If it means saying no every time, then so be it. On the other hand, if you do feel inclined to help, I hope she appreciates it and acknowledges your efforts.

Just say no. Or if you decide to do it, tell her you will have charge. You do not provide free daycare, just because you chose to stay home. If she cannot afford to pay you, then that's it.

I can't stand people who try to guilt me into doing something. Ask me, yes. Accept when I don't say yes. Don't try to guilt me. I won't put up with it.

Please don't put up with it either. All you do is let this woman think that this is an appropriate way to treat people. In a way, it's enabling her to treat everyone she comes across this way. Using people is inappropriate.

She's using you to be the solution to her problem. That happened to me before and I had to remove myself from being of any assistance.