Is This Behavior Normal???

I am 25 and my midddle brother is 22 so when we were kids I unfortunately beat the living daylights out of him. It's not that I didn't love him it was something that I just did. He retaliated and we went through some crazy things like choking eachother, tying him up, stuff like that but he is one of my best friends. sometimes I like to take credit for making him as tough as he is. I think it's normal but my parents corrected me each and everytime and him as well. It is not right to those things to anyone but it does happen. Just keep an eye on them but eventually it should disappear.

Yes, that's pretty normal, especially for boys. (I have three teenage boys ages 19, 17 and 16. Believe me, I've lived through that magic! That being said, even though it's normal, it's not o.k.! My boys were always very physical with each other, whether it be happy rough-and-tumble play, or arguments. But physical violence was not allowed. One technique I used when they were pretty small was to give the two fighters each a spray bottle of windex and some paper towels. Then, each had to go to the back door, one on the outside and one on the inside, and together they had to work to get the glass clean. They were separated, but could still see each other. They would start out making faces at each other, and usually end up laughing. (The nice thing about boys is they usually don't hold grudges the way girls do -- and yes, I know I'm making generalizations, but I find this to be true more often than not.)
Be sure to talk to them about acceptable behavior and help them to find ways to deal with their anger. And be sure to let them know what the consequences for physical assaults will be. Then stick to it and be consistent.

G.,

While some physical violence among siblings is quite common that doesn't mean you let it go as boys being boys. Although I don't think you should be overly concerned, you need to make sure they understand that this behavior is unacceptable and will have consequences. The specific consequences/punishment is up to you and your husband to determine. I would not be overly concerned about this one incident but I would sit them both down and tell them that the behavior was unacceptable and what the possible consequences could have been of their actions (one of them being badly hurt and hospitalized for instance). Then I would tell them if it happens in the future on top of any injuries they may suffer from the scuffle, their punishment will be (you fill in the blank). They are both old enough to understand. This doesn't mean that it will head off all such fights but it will make them better aware of the many types of consequences and give you a stepping off point of action if it happens again. Make sure that the punishment you warn them will happen is acceptable to both you and your husband and something you are immediately able to implement if it happens again. Don't be afraid to be creative, either. My Grandmother finished raising my cousin after his parents passed away. When his behavior was completely unacceptable, one of his punishments was to clean out all of the kitchen cabinets. It wasn't an enjoyable punishment. It worked as a deterrent but he WAS a teenage boy and that meant that my grandmother had her cupboards cleaned approximately once a month to once every other month as well. The punishment was one that saved my grandmother work while it taught my cousin to better control his own behavior.

Good luck with your boys. Please recognize that their behavior seems absolutely normal. I'm just saying because it is normal doesn't make it acceptable to us Moms. We are there to help shape their behavior and they need to know that there are consequences to violent behavior.

I think fighting is completely normal but the hands around the throat is extreme and you need to definitely punish the boys when something like that occurs. I would really reward them when one or both of them walk away from arguments.

The best thing I read in your inquiry was the fact that you and their father get along and actually co-parent. I have been divorced for over 10 years and never had that luxury, my ex lives in another state and only does what he is obligated to do by the courts. You are so lucky but more important than that, your boys are so lucky!!! Good for you both.

i think its normal, but should not be tolerated at any time. physical violence of that magnitude only insures someone getting seriously hurt.

It may be "normal" but not to be tolerated. They need your help to have boundaries. Do they like to eat?? There must be a consequence that cost them dearly to stop behavior that you don't want in your home. It is what used to be called "tough love". Your sons must know they are safe in their home even if it is being protected from each other. Parenting is HARD but the rewards are people who will eventually have self-control. Till then...they need you to guide & enforce.

Well, I don't know if it is normal, but it sounds just like my older sisiter and myself. (She would pin me to the wall by my throat.) She is five years older then me and had some issues sharing the line light after five years alone. Plus, she has an aggressive personality. While, fighting is normal between sibs, this level of aggression may not be...it never felt normal to me. Make sure while you are trying to figure out how to deal with your older guy that the younger one doesn't get left out. I felt like I was my sister's punching bag since no one wnating to face her and get her wrath turned on them. Good luck!

hello there,
from what you said, if that happened to me,i know i would be concerned as well...my experience is sibling relationships is that i have a sister two years younger than me...we would fight all the time as kids,and she would always dig her nails into me (i was the passive one)or rip my necklace or break something of mine...she would write my name in marker on my furniture cause my parents would never think she did it(and they didnt)..now we are the best of friends and i am confrontational if treated unjustly and she is one of those simmering boilpots that doesnt say anything but is secretly plotting payback..lol..my husband has one brother 11 months older than him and from the stories he tells me,i cant believe he made it to adulthood..his brother would hide and then shoot my husband with a beebee gun..he hit him in the head with a shovel....etc..my husband says now that it was boys being boys..but there is no way in hell i would sit back and let my boys do that to one another...i dont know what thier mother was thinking ..she would tell them to settle it themselves..(they were kids!!)of course, she also let them walk to school and go skiing all by themselves at 5!!!!!anyways..lol..him and his brother have a relationship now(they both went into the military young and after they got out, they put everything behind them)its a dysfunctional family even now...i know my husbands parents divorced when he was very young and it was a messy divorce...is your ex actively involved with your kids..maybe he should have the talk with them??

i would if possible, sit down with them(one on one at first)and talk to them in a nonthreatening way...maybe even seek counseling...i wish you the very very best..and if there is anything more i can do, please let me know..R.

my husband and his siblings 3 boys and 1 girl have caused each other to go to the hospital a lot they knew them there. i think its normal but i can see how it can be frightening i would be too. if you feel its going to be a problem down the road or think it might be an indicator of something worse you can always try talking to a child psychiatrist i bet they would answer just that question on the phone for free but some work on a sliding scale too i know one in huntingdon valley he is a therapist and we have been using him for marriage counseling but he has 2 kids of his own and is very helpful his name is Kevin Roth he has an office on huntingdon pike.

I personally go through similar situations with ALL my children. I have 4 and what I have found that works is take the fighting children and explain to them why they did what they did was wrong and go over what you think they should have done and you will absolutly not tolerate that kind of behavior and that someone could have seriously gotten hurt. If you put your foot down now and don't take the situation lightly amybe they will see they need to make a change.Good luck.

Well, I just wanted to tell you that my sister and I are two years apart, and used to have some really nasty knock-down, drag-out fights. We even got into a fist fight in the high school hallway. Although it should definately be discouraged, it is quite normal. Although she and I fought, if anyone else picked on her, they had to deal with me, and that's probably how your ten year old feels too. Good Luck.

It is normal.. but you should have a talk with them..
I am the middle of 3 sisters. You want to talk about fighting. My sister and I have put each other through walls as children and had out and out catfights - scratches, pulled hair etc. as teenagers. My parents would just punish us both. My stepfather usually hit us with a belt (that's not what you should do - its just as violent as the acts we committed to each other). I'd definately ask the older one what thoughts he had when he put his hand around the neck. Maybe he needs to be told specifically that the behavior is never appropriate. Sounds easy enough but my younger sister bit an aweful lot and it wasn't until my mother specifically addressed aggression through biting that she knew it was wrong.