My Toddler Boy - Active or Aggressive?

I have to day I know how you feel but my 2 year od is a girl. We are go threw the same thing. I was going to post somthing myself but you hit it like a nut shell. If you get any great advice Could you pleace share with me. I just dont know what to do with her. It is a new thing with her. We but head also . Good luck mom of a very active toddler to.

Hi H.:
Mine is the same way. In what city do you reside? I'm in Cranston. We should get together to see how they play. We'll be able to see if one is more of all those things on the extreme end of the spectrum. Physical activity is wonderful. My son loves to bang on drums or a box w. drum sticks, We go to the playground to run, climb, swim but also go to the library and don't sit still for a story. I was told that a 3 year old boy has the more testosterone in his little body than a male going through puberty. That explains it all! Good Luck. Be firm with discipline.

Hi H.~
I just wanted to agree with Pam, some of the previous posts you got were really harsh. I think you're asking a really important question re: agression v energy, regardless of gender. As the mom of a spirited child, I appreciate your loving description of your son & the way you seem to enjoy parts of his personality that others may struggle with. My son is very physical & needs a level of activity that sometimes surprises others. He also gets a little overwhelmed in big groups & is less likely to listen & have self-control. He's almost 5 now, and the agression piece has changed over time, although the energy level has not!

Some thoughts that may be helpful ~ 2 1/2 is still very young. It's not until 3, 4 even 5 or 6 that children really begin to pick up social cues & figure out how to interact socially. Discipline is not punishment, it's guidance -- somthing you've been doing with your child since he was very young. What was helpful for us: practicing 'gentle touch', avoiding big group situations for a while, practicing asking permission before hugs, wrestling etc., finding other children (boys & girls) with a similiar energy level to arrange 1 on 1 play dates, tons & tons of out-door time - regardless of the weather & purposeful work (not just play on the playground) like digging in the garden. Also, watching his energy & cues & knowing when to extract him from a play situation that was going to get out-of-control soon. For me, any physical aggression toward another child/person/animal is the absolute not OK. We practice gentle discipline, which means that we try to head those situations off rather than wait until they happen & punish him. It was also important for us to create a peaceful, fairly low-stimulation life-style ~ limited media, lots of reading & snuggle time (so he gets his physical contact in a loving rather than aggressive way), lots of soft tactile experiences, etc.

Remember that moms & dads & children all have different levels of tolerance for aggression/violence, & differnt awarenesses & sensitivites, etc. I've been @ the park & needed to leave because the boundaries parents gave their children seemed unsafe to me. I've also been glared at as I let my son throw rocks into the water, hit a tree with a stick etc (all away from others). One child we used to play with was exposed to a lot more violence through media than my son, his pretend play was too scary for my DS (monsters & battles, etc), while my DS's jumping and running & big energy was too intimidating for this child.

Check out "Raising your spirited child" by Sheedy, "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen (great piece about physical play & boys), & "Becoming the Parent you Want to Be". Perhaps "Positive Discipline" - although geared for older children. Re: your existing group, I would talk to the other moms, (if you want to salvage the relationships)and ask them what they would have liked to see happen, what they need from you & your son to feel safe, etc. Otherwise let it go & search out new mom friends who feel ok about higher levels of wildness in their children.

Hi there! It's so tough to tell sometimes. I'm certain there is a line. I can't wait to read all the responses as I have two "active" boys as wells, roughly the same months apart. My boys are now 5 and 3 3/4 (also 15 months apart). They are all boy...constantly wrestling, fighting, pushing, shoving, running, screaming, throwing items, etc. The list goes on. I do often get nervous and embarrassed taking them into public settings (mostly when they're together) because this behavior can come out in public. Individually, they are sweet and considerate boys. I've also been told that they are the best behaved at preschool.
So, you are not alone. I strive to teach them right from wrong in a positive way. I find that they need to be constantly occupied in order to avoid the aggressive behavior. It's a lot of work, but it works. Then I try to tell them how good they behaved when they have been more calm then usual.
Good luck!
raelynn
www.kidzcomfort.com

Hi H.,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it can be first-hand when people judge your children, and henceforth your parenting ability, in a negative nature. I myself am the mom of four, the youngest two who have very spirited natures and all four with strong wills.

I agree with what many of the moms below are saying. Accidents are accidents, but most can be prevented...that's why now you see more and more daycares/preschools have an "incident log" rather than an "accident log." Vigilance is dutifully important; however, if it is constantly leaving you feeling "drained" you may be becoming oversensitive as a result of your negative experience

Sensory integration issues can be a pain. With my oldest son we had Birth-to-Three (you have a similar program in MA called Early Intervention; Google "Massachusetts early intervention" to reach the website) coming to help with his communication delays and noticed how active he was--constantly running, jumping on you, playing with things like cat litter and water, always asking for the radio--and asked my permission to have him assessed by the occupational therapist on their team. She came in; sure enough, he was seeking out all these sensory behaviors because he was having sensory integration issues. Basically the part of his brain which processes the senses was getting a little confused (and frazzled) with all the input from his surrounding environment. As a result he was having a tough time just to get through his day. We worked with things like "pillow hugs" (squishing him between pillows), a sensory brush (or a "corn silk remover" from Linens N Things) and water play and, of course, outside play. These activities helped his brain learn how to decode the information from the stimuli being thrown at it. At 4 1/2, he is still quite active, but no longer to a destructive point.

If you are worried about your parenting abilities (and, like someone said before me, you should be or I'd be worried...we all should be or it means we aren't open to growth and change) just remember to be consistent, and make sure Dad is consistent too. Have a written list available if you need to so you can reference it. Also, if you, along with any other caregivers, aren't on the same page with discipline and consequences, it will be utterly confusing for your little ones, so share this list with your husband and anyone else who cares for your children.

I agree with the comment below that we sometimes allow little boys to do things which we wouldn't allow little girls to do (and vice versa), and we shouldn't. Hitting, in either ex, is not appropriate. Wrestling is not a good idea for either sex at such a little age because it encourages violence. When they have the need for physical play, let them run in the back yard, play parachute with them, take them to the playground or some other large motor skill (big body movement) fun like that. When they get a little older I think a trampoline (with the safety net around it) would be great fun for them.

By the same token, don't be afraid to introduce some "girly" things into your home full of rocks and blocks. A toy kitchen setup is one of the best ways to foster vocabulary, pretend play and communication skills in young children. Baby dolls help little ones learn to be gentle along with fostering their pretend play skills--and my active little guys love their "babies" and really get a kick out of taking them for a walk in the play stroller, diaper bag on their shoulders and all :)

Later on preschool and kindergarten will help them develop longer attention spans, personal space and interpersonal (person to person) boundaries. So, even if you feel like tearing your hair out now, rest assured it will get better. Above all, just try to remember that every child is different and yours are very much precious gifts from God. Love and cherish every bit of their spirited, loud, rough-and-tumble selves, because one day you will blink and they'll be grown. And remember, too, that little boys are noise covered in dirt ;)

Hope this helps,

M.

P.S. If the playgroup shunned you because of the accidental actions of a two-year-old, you should find another playgroup.

Hello H.,
You really didn't elaborate on exactly what happened or what the accident was and without this information it might be a little difficult for us "moms" to give you any advice.

Some "accidents" are just "being in the wrong place at the wrong time," but other "accidents" happen due to not paying attention, being too involved with another activity, or just not caring about what might happen to someone else.

So, please tell us about the accident your son caused.

You didn't give a lot of information as to what types of "aggressive behavior" your son displays or what type of accident it caused with your play group, so it's hard to judge. Being big for his age is certainly a contributing factor, lots of body to control and a brain that may be slightly too young to handle it all. My nephew was the same way. You've gotten lots of good advice already, those books mentioned are very good, especially Raising a Spirited Child. One thing you may want to consider is having a sensory integration evaluation to determine if he is over or under reactive to the stimuli in his environment. There are lots of things (that do not involve drugs) that can be done to help kids who have trouble taking in and sorting out all the sounds, smells, sights, touches and other stimuli they are bombarded with. It may be that your little guy is just trying to sort out his world. But regardless of the cause, behavior intervention is necessary. While you can use techniques to help him sort out all the stimuli, he still needs to learn and understand that certain action hurt people (which at his age he likely doesn't not understand yet) and that hurting others is not okay. I would also suggest talking with your play group friends. If they truly are friends, they will be willing to talk and to help you work things through. Removing him from the situation does not provide anyone with a learning experience. Good luck and please let us know how you've made out.

I am a mother of 2 boys and have never bought into the "Just boys being boys" syndrome. It seems more like an excuse for bad behavior than just behavior. You don't say what the accident was - but it sounds serious if you lost friends over it. All Moms question their parenting skills- at least the good ones do :). Like most Moms I'm sure you understand the reasons behind your son's actions (he was feeling left out, he likes playing rough, he was wanting someones attention). And it's hard to discipline your son when you know he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt someone. We all want our kids to be successful, and part of that success is repecting boundaries. So while your son may not understand that other kids don't like to play the same way he does - he needs to respect their choice to not play rough or aggressive. I love your description of your son and can tell that you love him and want to do the best for him. So with that said, you won't be doing him any favors in the long run if you ignore inappropriate behavior - it will only get worse. Would you feel differently about how he plays if he were a girl? The rules of fair play and respect don't change based upon sex. Even in football there is a penalty for "Unecessary Roughness".

In my humble opinion to use the phrase boys will be boys is to encourage ill behavior. there is no excuse for a child so aggressive others won't play with him. It is not cute for a child to tackle or wrestle other children to the point accidents happens. this is particularly true when a child is larger than most as (unfair though) people expect too much from a larger child.

No, accidents can be prevented in most cases, When a child is out of control it is up to the parent to defuse the situation.

You can look around and see how other kids are acting and being a boy is no excuse--a child is a child.

if you don't curtail his behaviors now than you will have a more difficult problem in the future.

Now, he is a 2 year old and they are known to be a bit unruly but that behavior should not last. You also have 2 beautiful little boys and being a sahm have the opportunity to direct they actions toward more productive ways. Get him a punching bag and boxing gloves--tell him he can hit it all he wants but hitting anything elses get a minute time out. be careful about what he watches== no rough cartoons

The choice is yours. Besides the families who don't want your son around are not the people you want to be around.

My son is now almost 4 and a half, and he is all boy!He loves to climb, jump, and wrestle just to name a few.  He can be really rough sometimes and if feels like he never stops.  Getting him outdoors as much as possible really helps. I found that when he starts getting rough I stop what he doing and get him interested into a more subdued task or game.  Or I will tell him he needs to slow down or calm down and if I have to speak to him more than once he takes a break.He used love to run, especially when I told him to come here.I started counting that's one, and if I have to get to three he knows he goes in his room or takes a break if we are not home. Having him take a time out is one of the worst things to him.  It was not always easy getting him to take a break at first, sometimes I would have to stand next to him to make sure he stayed and once he figured out if he was quiet and did fight it he wouldn't have to sit so long or stay in his room. I would also tell him calmly but firmly, if he was fighting me on it, you need to take a break and calm down.  When you calm down you can get up. Now most of the time I don't get past two.Stay firm and show him lots of love.Good Luck,Jennifer

I agree it's difficult to comment on the actual situation since we don't know what happened... but it does sound as though maybe there were a bunch of incidents that you may not have noticed or thought were an issue, and this was the final straw for you to be "kicked out" of the playgroup and circle of friends. Did they TELL you not to come back anymore, or were they so upset that you decided that you shouldn't?

Just a side note - we always question our parenting ability, that's what makes us better parents. I'd be worried if we didn't!

Have you ever heard anyone mention something about sensory processing disorders or sensory integration issues? Yes, boys love to jump, run, climb, yell, etc. But when you say "hug hard" and "hear, but not listen", those two things stand out to me as a possible problem with sensory issues. This could be good news, because there are lots of things you can do to help a child who seeks out this rough and tumble behavior. He could be undersensitive to physical stimulation and input, etc... so he's seeking it out by crashing, pushing, jumping hard, hugging too hard, etc.... He probably wouldn't be able to TELL you that, because he probably doesn't know WHY he does things so hard or "aggressively".

OR, it could just be that he's been allowed to be more aggressive than others, and your discipline isn't as consistent. I don't know because I don't know you, or your son or the situation that happened.... or any that might have happened in the past.

OR, you could be like someone I know, and have a little of both going on. : ) Consistency with discipline (in a good way) pays off a LOT.

Maybe you could pick up the book "The Out of Sync Child" and see if it describes your son. If you do a google book search on the title, you can read the beginning of the book online to see if it interests you. This might be WAY off, but I thought I'd throw it out there since you are describing what I've heard and seen before in a bunch of kids who have these issues.

Hi there, I don't know what the "accident" was, but like you said an accident is an accident. My son is 4yrs. old and I have been keeping a close eye on him. over active, aggressive playful and lovable. He can't control outbursts and is very busy. So What I decided to do was take him and myself to a therapist. I can't tell you how its going yet, we actually have our first apt. today. Thats the best idea I can give to you. If you are concerned its not a bad thing to ask for help. I have realized that my son is "out of control" and my tactics are not working. So what better person is there then a children's therapist? It won't hurt to try.

You already have a lot of good advice - but one that is especially true - behavior that is unacceptable is unacceptable whether it is from a girl or a boy. There are generalities we can assign to girls and boys, but they are only generalities. Saying an active child is "all-boy" implies that quiet boys are not quite "all boy". FALSE! My older son (now 23 yrs and married) was a quiet sort and he's 100% man. My younger son - 3 yrs - is highly spirited and active. He's not "all boy" as he takes after me, his mother. I was an active child who didn't receive consistent guide lines for behavior - but more than that - I had lots of energy and not enough ways to release it. There is a difference between active and aggressive.

I would suggest you get your son evaluated. My younger son has sensory-motor issues and OT and PT helped a lot (he's done with it now). We still do a lot of jumping and squishing and other activities that help him gain a sense of his body in space - especially on days when he's bouncing off the walls. Not only is it fun, it redirects his energy into something constructive - but he can also calm down after that. When I know I need him to be calmer, I take the time to have him jump on a mini-trampoline for at least 10 minutes, then transition with stuffed animal play and then move to the calmer activity (really helps before we go to church). It's good to have rough and tumble toys, but also gentle toys too.

As for the judgment of others - for one or two people to gossip, it's probably their problem and learn to ignore it. For everyone to talk about an issue - it's a problem you should address. Good friends can understand there are issues to be addressed without shunning a family. I have raised two boys over 23 years - basically a generation apart. Things change over time - and I've learned a lot. I used to think "if only that parent would x y z..." I try to no longer judge another parent. You don't know what is going on in the family or with the child. I can tell you, that the more frustrated you feel, the more trouble you will have with your children no matter how well you think you are covering your frustration. They can pick up the smallest things, and it can set them off. Staying calm and focused is key - and much easier to say than to do! Time out didn't work for my older son - he liked sitting and day dreaming so it had little effect on his behavior. My younger son's OT said time out probably won't work for him - as on his "off days" he's too active to stay in one place. Instead, redirecting him to joint compressing activities and then calming down is the way for this one. I also know that some days I need to take him to the playground without his friends so he can blow off steam as he needs to and not worry about social interaction rules. But he knows that there are acceptable ways to treat people and, no matter how organized/disorganized his day, he can't treat people in unacceptable ways. He gets a reminder when we arrive at a play date and we leave right then and there if he does unsafe things (I mean beyond regular playing). We have some games (like "wrestling") that can only be played with mom or dad - as we can offer the control he does not have for himself.

One other thing to consider - can your son express his frustrations/feeling without aggression? If not, that might be the problem and not the aggressive behavior. I have seen my nephews go at it - the older one is mentally/socially aggressive and can goad the younger one in very subtle ways and the younger one responds with physical aggression. It's the physical aggression that catches adults' attention.

Good luck - and let up on yourself. Either you need to make a few changes as a parent - and you're a good parent for examining this and making the changes. Of your son has issues that should be evaluated, and you're a good parent for addressing them. Being hyper-aware of his behavior gives a negative attention and reinforces the behavior.

Little boys (and girls) can be rough. It is hard as a parent not to take this personal, but try not to. Other people are quick to judge, label, point fingers but they have probably never dealt with the situation themselves and if they ever do will probably handle it the same way I have found!

I love the book "Raising Your Spirited Child." It helped me immensely in figuring out my son's triggers and helping him to self-monitor. I learned that my son was very introverted and it was the situations that set him off. It helped me to teach him how to ask for "alone time" when a situation is too much for him and that has been a lifesaver. That is not true for every child though and it goes through many scenarios.

I am also reading right now "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child." Very interesting.

Good luck!

My son (who is 9 yrs old now), was also labeled 'rough' and was much to aggressive when he played with other kids his age. My husband used to call him just 'all boy' but I knew it was too much. To make a long story short, my son needed Occupational Therapy for his sensory deprivation. In plain english, the sensories in is body, along his arms etc., had not developed yet and so he would crash into things and push people because it felt good to him. That was all he knew.
You can have him tested with the state or a private agency. If he needs OT, he will love it. Lots of play with big balls, rolling around etc.
I hope this helps. Good luck - your little boy will be just fine and loved by all.

Hi H.,
if dr has no answers as 2 why ur son is aggressive then insist upon having a ct of whole body 2 make sure it's not a medical problem. There's several things that could cause this action. 1 being a medical problem (god forbid) 2. Just his way of getting attention. 3. No offense but maybe he spends too much time with u and he needs 2 learn now not 2 b 2 dependent upon u. Give urself time away from him. Let him stay w/ his dad while u go out even 1 hr or more. Amother suggestion think abt how u correct him & how he responses 2 ur correction.

Abt me:
i have 4 grown + 5 grown gds i help raise 4 of those gds w/ 2 being boys who hated being told what 2 do. 1 has a bad temper & still does. So i know what u r going thru. Also from a friend whose son was a dbl handful. He'd get my youngest son in trouble at church. I've seen alot of kids out in public misbehave badly. 1 other friends son was destructive & no correction worked w/ him. Gbu M.

I am going to come at this from a different angle. I have a very gentle little boy (5). He likes puppies, cuddling, and books. He has two very manly cousins (4 and 7). We see the younger cousin more often. He likes pirates, scary monsters, and wrestling. The older cousin likes all sports, monsters, and dare-devil inspired playing. The difference in when we get together is the parents. Both of them are great boys and I totally accept them. The younger boy, however, has been taught to respect other people's space, to recognize that everyone is not like him, and to ask first. I also work good with his mom to come up with creative ideas where they can play together and both be happy (like puppy pirates). Granted, he must constantly be reminded, our time together is not a problem. The older cousin is allowed to run wild without input from his parents. Usually, I get to the point where I am pushed to set his boundaries for him because no one else will do it. His parents think his wild behaviors are "simply a boy being a boy" - eventhough they are breaking my furniture or making my boy cry. At this point the situation has escalated to maddening chaos. So, for me, I don't expect these other parents to change their child's personality, but to make them realize that they still need to respect other people. Also, I hate the word aggressive because it has so many negative connotations. I would tell the other parents that your son is just expressing himself in a way that he is comfortable and makes him happy, and that you are working on helping him express himself in a way that does not disrespect the other children or parents. Sorry, I wish I could provide more specific advice.

Holy Mackeral! I bet that last post amde you feel like the world's worst Mommy! Ease up everyone, this is hard stuff. Yes you need to discipline your sone, yes he may be too aggressive. But please don't beat yourself up! He didn't come with a manual and you are a great mom for realizing you need to discipline him. Find a method that works and stick to it, some days will be hard...he will still be aggressive and love to run, jump, climb, wrestle...but would you really want him any other way? Don't try to change him just teach him when enough is enough, in YOUR way. Good luck, you are really a great Mom and you can figure this out!

H., I have three very active boys, but the oldest definitely has the most energy. The thing that has worked for me is to just keep him running. I know this sounds crazy and not always possible but when he and his little brother where at a very difficult stage I took them to a farm every single day. We chose Great Brook Farm SP in Chelmsford and I would go there after the gym and just go for really long walks and let the boys run and run and run. I really found that it channeled their energy in a very positive and healthy way. I find that the more outdoor things they do the better they listen and the happier they are. I am not saying I don't have challenges with him at all...we do have our daily struggles, but at least now I have a very strong tool to use when he starts acting out...leave the house and go outside! It works all seasons.

Good luck!! H. (SAHM 5, 3 3/4, 14 month old boys)

ps. Just a little about parenting...I have found that consistency works best...and stop worrying about what others think...you are the mom...you know best!!!

I don't have experience with a boy like yours (although I do have a 24 m.o. daughter who fits the description). Luckily I have a *fairly* understanding playgroup and the moms (or most of them) understood when she was going through a hitting and pushing phase that she would learn from it and grow out of it. Anyway, what I wanted to suggest is something I read in Barry Brazelton's Discipline book. He keeps a log of toddlers with various "bad habits" (biting, hitting, etc) and tries to pair toddlers up with others with similar bad habits. So a biter can learn from another biter by playing together and experiencing both sides of the situation. Maybe you can do a search for other boys (and maybe girls) in your area who are like your son. That way, the moms will understand when he behaves the way he does, and the kids can all learn from each other. You could use this bulletin board and maybe search a local mother's club (If you live near Nashua, there's the Greater Nashua Mother's Club. There's also one in Chelmsford, and others I'm sure I'm not aware of).

Good luck with your son!

I second what other posters have said in that the lack of specifics makes it hard to judge exactly what is going on. I don't have any advice, per se, but here is the other side. My daughter is very timid (in spite of being very tall for her age). Not a big climber/runner/hugger, etc. We are very close friends with a family who has a son that sounds much like your son (only he's on the small side). So different from her - he climbs everything, runs everywhere, tests every rule. They have known each other practically since birth, and I know that my daughter sometimes still finds him intimidating, especially when he plays rougher than she would like. The reason that we are all still able to play together is that when the boy engages in behavior that my daughter doesn't like, his mother steps in and says "X doesn't like that, why don't you go do something else" or something else that redirects his behavior. When he engages in behavior that is dangerous or destructive, he gets put in time out (which is true all the time, not just when we are around). It doesn't always stop his "big" behavior, but it makes both my daughter and I feel like our feelings and concerns for our her personality and safety are being taken seriously. I also get to use the opportunity to encourage her to model some of his more risk-taking behaviors for her to be more outgoing. I don't think that we would continue to play with them if whenever the boy did something that made my daughter upset or feel unsafe was brushed off with "it's an accident" or "he's just being a boy." I'm not saying you did that, because I don't know the specifics, but playing with others is about learning how to modify everyone's behavior to reach a happy middle ground. I think that "he's just being a boy" sets a dangerous precident for when he gets older as well (I teach HS) I know with a 3 year old it's next to impossible, but it is important to me, anyway, that the parent appears to be making an effort to discipline and teach respect for others. Of course accidents happen, but when either its a big accident or a series of them, and there doesn't seem to be any effort to modify the behavior, that's when I would stop having my child play with the other child.

Hi H.. My son just turned two and this is a conversation that has started between my husband and I. Our son has a lot of energy and wants to be on the go all the time. He is also rough with other kids - pushing and hitting them before we can prevent it. Thankfully we've never had anything really bad happen, but I wouldn't be surpised if some of the other families we hang out with are getting sick of our son playing rough with their more docile children. We're trying to be tough, but I also wonder if he'll outgrow this? Every child is so different that its hard to know.

Hi I just had to write back to you. My son sounds a lot like you son. And has been classified as a spirtied child. The pedi told me to get the book I think it was called Raising your spirited child. It was very helpful t understand where he is coming from. I have a tough time with him and people always look at me like I beat my child. He is very verbal and someone passing by would think so. My mom gave me the best advice to take one day at a time. She says I was just like him when I was little. I guess that is payback. Anyway I would talk with your pedi or find a pedi that works with little kids like yours. I now have a pedi that understands my child and it makes it lot eaiser for me.

Hope that helps.

I have a 3 year old that fits your description perfectly. You are not alone! My question is always when does his enthusiastic behavior cross the line? I don't always get the answer right and I do worry he may hurt himself or others. I just try to redirect his energy to appropriate things, remind him of others feelings/personal space and discipline swiftly when he does get out of hand (he typically runs ahead of us when we walk on sidewalks, etc. - recently kept running ran away from me in the park, also loves to throw balls even in crowds, etc.) Time outs tend to re-set his thinking at least short-term. We struggle with the balance of "controlling our child" as a woman in the mall sneered at me the other day, or squashing his energy, creativity and independent nature. I want him to respect others, but also keep his fun personality and love of life. Try not to hover over him - you will drive yourself and him crazy. Maybe try to find parents that aren't as uptight about things - kids get hurt, accidents happen, and boys are just rough and tumble. Tire him out - biking and swimming work well with my son. Go to the playground at times that tend to be quieter. Good luck! He sounds like a wonderful, fun boy!

I have a very similar situation. Everyone seems to think it's just because he's big for his age, he's very bright etc but I also question my parenting abilities. I get very tired from all the time-outs I give him. So now I've limited time-outs to safety issues. Then, as he gets better with these behaviors, I start to deal with the others. PLease feel free to email me directly if you'd like to. I live in Newburyport and would be happy to chat anytime.

H., you wrote: "At the time, no one had ever made any mention of my son's "aggression," but afterward, it, and I, were the topics of conversation for weeks. I lost friends, etc." If this is the case, then I think that maybe you did not apologize for your son's behavior? You didn't say whether your child unintentionally caused the accident, but that's what I am guessing. You might not have accepted the responsibility of your son's actions in the eyes of the rest of the group, that is why they were talking "afterward" - they might have been waiting for you to 'own up' that it was your child's fault. I know what they say: AN ACCIDENT IS AN ACCIDENT - but if my child were the cause of it, I would definitely be bending over backwards to apologize. Maybe the mothers felt you were not only NOT paying attention to your son's behavior, but then, as I said you didn't take responsibility for his actions. I don't think there is anything wrong with him. He is just an active, on-the-go boy, BUT if you can in any way contact the moms/children involved in the accident, or write them all an apology note, saying you feel their shunning you and you feel it's because you didn't take responsibilty or apologize, maybe that will get you back in their good graces. Good luck.

Hi H.,

Very important to learn as much as you can about the behaviors ( do some research). Don't let others judge you, nor allow your child to be diagnosed as adhd or the like, even a PDD, without at least having a sensory evaluation done. It is totally noninvasive and any treatment is usually in the form of physical therapy. Most sensory seeking behavior can be controlled this way. Some boys do have more energy and are just stronger too. If they are big for their age, it is harder too for them to play with others the same age. It is important to make sure that noone gets hurt, even your own little one. Whatever you do, don't let anyone tell you he should behave like a girl. Too many boys are raised to be girls these days, and don't grow up to be men. ( sorry if that sounds harsh, but have seen it happen too many times)

My first boy was just a gentle boy, and still is at age 9. My second, now 11 months, is totally the opposite, so perhaps I will be asking you what worked a year from now.

Good luck!!

Dear H.,

Without seeing you two together and the behavior in question, I like you already. That you love this child so much and see him as just full of himself says so much. You are right to be concerned, but maybe just take a break from those playgroups with other kids his age for awhile. If possible, get him involved with some older kids more his size, who aren't so "fragile".

The problem appears to be that he is physical at an age when moms are still closely watching the kids and worrying about every little hurt. But your boy seems a little more physically developed, so let him play with other boys who can take it better. That might also give room to your being able to help him understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of a hurt (because boys will be boys and there will be moments of getting hurt....)

Getting him involved with some sort of sports might help, too, as this develops self-control and awareness of one's body and physical space.

And, another good thing for kids is to have a pet to play with. Pets tend to be sensitive and good about fleeing when kids get too rough, that would give him some feedback. When he's too rough, the pet departs (or cries, etc.) That would help him get feedback on his gentleness without the gossip and noise of the playmates' moms.... Of course, with two young children, that might make your life very difficult, too, so take this advice with caution.

God Bless,
S.

You've not been very specific so it is difficult to assess. However, if you've lost friends and been the topic of conversation, then it appears that there have been a number of occurrences that you were not aware of. True friends, of course, would have called you or taken you aside and expressed some concern. Is it possible that you witnessed certain instances but did not react as they felt you should?

I think one has to be very careful about permitting behavior in boys that would not be tolerated in girls. A lot of us do it, but I'm not sure it's helping our boys if we excuse things as if they cannot help it because they are males. It's especially important to teach kids who are big for their ages that they need to have more control and be gentler, whether it's in dealing with other kids, animals, or even breakable items. Climbing, running and jumping are fine as long as no one else is in the way. Wrestling is just a bad idea until they are in high school and have a wrestling coach who can teach them the moves and the rules. Maybe you can start by drawing the line here - hands to yourself at all times, or someone will get hurt or upset. Teach him that most kids don't like to be touched, grabbed or wrestled with.

My son was on the small side, but my stepdaughter's son is on the large side. My son got trampled a lot, and my stepdaughter's son has had to learn to use his words and to be gentle. When she had a second baby when he was 8, he already had the skills to be trusted around his sister. We have a small dog, and we have seen what happens when bigger kids who like to play rough get around her - you need to protect your son from getting bitten by an animal because he cannot control himself. Or before he runs into someone bigger who isn't going to put up with it. When he goes to preschool or kindergarten, he will be expected to know (or learn) how to negotiate his own space and needs with words, not with shoving or wrestling or grabbing, and to properly treat materials and supplies and toys.

I think that focusing your attention on the child who is hurt or afraid will let him know that certain behaviors are not acceptable and have repercussions. You can also talk directly to him, let him know that you value friends and feelings, and that you expect this of him.

I think it would be great if you could take one of your friends aside and find out what happened in the past, how she/they felt, what they think you should have done, and how they handle their own kids in such situations, etc. If this episode (or series of them) broke up a cohesive playgroup, then it wasn't so cohesive as you thought. However, if they are true friends, they will work with you and be forthright. This will also clarify your feelings that you are being judged - maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. It doesn't seem that there has been enough clear communication for you to know what they think, or how you are truly perceived.

It's also helpful to give boys the types of toys that encourage other types of play. My son had lots of stuffed animals, books, and craft/art supplies - we had lots of trucks and legos too, don't get me wrong, but it's important that boys have something to cuddle and that they learn how to be gentle through playing with toys that are not completely indestructible.

Also ask your children's librarian for recommendations on books dealing with behavior. There's a well known one called "Raising A Spirited Child" (I think) that's kind of a classic, and there are others. They may even be videos that you can watch with your boys that show gentler actions - you can say, "Oh see how much child X likes child Y when he is gentle?" Keep reinforcing the positive behavior every time you see it occur.

Good luck, and I hope you re-establish a great play group.

Hi - it sounds like you've got your hands full and I don't have much to add except to echo what others have said - without specifics of the "incident" with your playgroup it's hard to comment. However, I did see a post below that suggested you get a pet to teach your children to be gentle and I must vehemently disagree. Pets are not something to get as an experiment and require an enormous commitment over the lifetime of the pet. They shouldn't be mistreated, even as part of a teaching exercise, nor be expected to defend themselves by fleeing the situation.

All of my friends who use the phrase "boys will be boys" are generally defending inappropriate behavior of one kind or another that shouldn't be tolerated.

One last comment - does your son watch a lot of TV? I firmly believe that watching TV at a young age is extremely harmful and changes the way a child views the world such that they believe all sorts of aggressive or violent behaviors to be acceptable.

All that said, every mother questions her parenting ability and I agree this is what makes us better parents - striving to be better parents. Peace to you, and I hope you can put together some answers from all the replies you've got.

Because you didn't offer specifics on his behavior that would warrant judgment from others, it's hard to say what's "normal", but I worked with children with behavior issues (violence aggression, etc...)I am a mother of a 3 yo and we are very close to my nephews (1nearly 5/the other just 4)and children - especially as young as your son don't have the judgment call ability that we have, nor do they always listen. If any parent out there feels "in control" of their 3ish y.o. - I want to know their secret, but I bet it would be pretty rare. My daughter is brilliant and sweet, but I have been embarrassed by her behavior and my lack of ability to "control" her. My oldest nephew can be very sweet and very mean and disobedient. It drives us all a little crazy, we do at times feel frustrated by his parents blowing things off and not addressing things, but we never considered him "bad" - mostly he is just 4 - testing - and if his parents don't react then certainly long term problems can develop.
I definitely see differences between boy play vs. girl play. Boys are more rowdy in general and they are more daring in their play - jumping from things and such. (often leading to accidents!) - All Normal, normal, normal.

At 23/4 - you simply can not allow yourself or your son to feel judged. To do so will set you both up for power struggles and social issues. If your son generally can play with other kids - then don't worry about it, although, he is certainly not too young to discuss what being a friend is, how we treat people, and boundries. Also, strict "no-warning" consequences for violent behavior is essential for all ages. It is never ok if someone got hurt - even if it was an accident. And no matter the tantrum or how long it takes that consequence needs to happen and be processed afterwards (Why did you get a time out? Why don't we do this? Apologize).
So don't feel discouraged, love your son, and teach him by example.
Try making some new friends, too! If anyone should understand the challenges of parenting - it should be other parents!
Maybe sign your little boy up for a sports themed toddler/preschool play (My YMCA has a great one!)which will allow him to get out his energy and learn teamplay at the same time.

Good luck.