Is the Grass Greener?

I know that the grass will never be or at least stay greener on the other side. There will always be challenges, annoyances, stress and all the other things that were on the side I started on. Things chance in life and what once worked may not anymore. By and large I am happy with my life. There are things here and there I want to change or really need to change because they are not working but that's totally normal. I don't dwell on other people's choices unless they directly effect me or possibly someone very close to me. Occasionally I might look and wonder if that might work for me if it had a positive outcome and it was something I hadn't thought of myself. I don't nit pit and dwell on little things. especially when they aren't mine to control.

I grew up with very high expectations put on me, and I coped by over-analyzing and even rehearsing every possible situation that could develop. It became totally overpowering.

The problem with over-analyzing is that it takes up all the time that could be spent enjoying things. A whole lot of "if only" wishes or thoughts just make you miserable, and keep you from going to the beach or smelling the rain or enjoying a child at play.

The fact is, the grass is greener where it's watered. We're always more critical of our own yards (and lives) and we just don't see the hardships someone else has. Sometimes the grass just grows fine by itself - if you don't trample it trying to inspect it so closely. Sometimes you need to leave it alone, you know? Let the grass just be the grass. (Leave the beds unmade, serve everyone PB&J for dinner, let a kid go to school without their homework done, let your husband be responsible for his health, eat a cookie, whatever.)

If you keep wanting more or better, you will never have it. Because you will miss everything that IS more and better while you were wishing for it and not recognizing it.

Sometimes you have more sex, sometimes less. Sometimes you have more money, sometimes less. Sometimes you're on autopilot, and other times you are happy. Sometimes the flowers bloom, and sometimes the winter comes.

Did you ever see "My Fair L."? There's a song that Eliza sings to Professor Higgins, taking his ego down a peg when he takes all the credit for everything she has become. Here's a link to the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3mC4485Ue0 Anyway, sometimes I sing that song to myself: "There'll be spring every year without you" (meaning me) and "there will be a shore by the sea without you". That doesn't mean I don't make a difference, or that the world isn't better without me in it. But it does mean that I don't have to micromanage everything to the detriment of my own health.

I don't know if you were raised as I was, to never be good enough. But whatever the cause, you have similar thoughts to what I had. I worked hard to get rid of them - and, frankly, I couldn't do it alone. I got counseling, and I got some clarity on why I think the way I think (or at least why I thought the way I thought). It's now much better for me - very liberating, and I walk with a spring in my step without all that weight on my shoulders. And I'm a better mom because I'm not trying to be a better mom.

So, we all go through life with baggage. We just don't have to unpack it all the time.

I don't think anything you wrote sounds awful at all. Cut yourself some slack. :) Don't forget the massive cultural influence here...it cannot be underestimated. I think it's very challenging to be "OK" with life when immersed in a culture that constantly bombards us with the message that "more is better, newer is better, what you have isn't good enough", etc.

It is very easy to get caught in a cycle of comparing others choices to your own, then drowning yourself in the "what would MY life be like if X, Y, or Z were different". Focusing on being at peace with what you do have in your life, rather than what you perceive you are lacking, as well as not getting absorbed in the lives and choices others make, is a skill...and a great one to impart in your children. But, I know it's hard. Having a spiritual framework helps a lot.

L.,

You really need to see a therapist. You are allowing other things to influence and control you. No. The grass isn't greener. It's just the way you see it.

Right now? My husband has been having pains in his hip, serious pains to the point where he has tripped/lost balance because it "Gave out". He has chosen not to go to the doctor. Am I upset? I was. Now I'm not. He's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. I'm not his mother. I'm his partner. Yes. I tell him how I feel. He might not like it. But that's life. You can't make everyone happy all the time.

I'm not sure why you are, what feels like, keeping up with the Jones'. This is YOUR life. No one else's. YOURS. OWN IT. Take accountability for it and make decisions that are right for YOU and YOUR family and press on.

You truly sound like a person who is experiencing depression or something like an obsessive comparison disorder - where you are constantly comparing your life to someone else's. It doesn't do anything for you except cause misery and anxiety.

You NEED to know that YOU are responsible for your happiness. No one else. They contribute to it - but are NOT RESPONSIBLE for it.

Please see a therapist.

Much of what you are saying is very normal and even very healthy. You should pause once in awhile and ask yourself if you are happy and if there is anything you wish were different. If you didn't ask yourself this, how would you ever make improvements or changes? How would you grow?

Is the grass greener? Well, let's think about that for a minute. Most of us are going to project the good. This is, in part, because most of us would rather not air our dirty laundry, except with close friends. But think about it. I try to stay positive at work and with my co-workers, not just because I don't want them to know all my dark secrets, but also because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I mean, it's funny on tv, but who really wants to work with a Debbie Downer? So even though sometimes it feels like my coworkers have great lives and perfect kids, it's important to remember that they don't share everything either.

It might also be good to consider some of the things you are thinking about. "Should we be having sex more?" What do you mean? Is there a right number? Are you happy? Is your husband happy? If you are both happy with how often you have sex, then you don't need to have sex more. Sometimes I wish my husband and I had more time, but sometimes I know I'd probably rather sleep :-) Are you happy enough? My guess is some days yes and some days no. To really answer that question you need to step away (when you are not stressed) and consider the past few weeks and maybe months. In general, do you smile and feel happy or do you feel sad, stressed, frustrated, disappointed.

You are asking very difficult questions, but questions only you can really answer. Remember, "The answers will come from the silence within." Calm your body. Clear your mind. Relax, and listen. That's when you will know.

"You will know when you are calm, at peace, passive." Yoda from "The Empire Strikes Back.

The grass isn't greener anywhere (that's just envy).
And yes, you can learn to become content.
Life does not have to be a series of hurtles.
You can admit - yes, life might be a rat race, but I'm gonna take a stroll on the beach and who cares if the rats win or not - I'm happy feeling the sand between my toes.
Happiness is a choice.
If you look hard enough - you CAN find that silver lining in most situations.

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/choose-happy/

http://howtobehappy.guru/step-1-how-to-be-happy-in-7-step...

I would feel frustrated if my husband didn't take care of himself, in fact, it's the other way around in our house, I HATE going to the doctors... just hate it..
so I only go if I think I truly need it.. I am sure this frustrates my husband who will go at the drop of a hat.. but not me... although, he may have come to terms with it by now that I do what I want to do.... We also both go to different 12 steps.. which had allowed us to learn how to let go... we both know that that we aren't truly responsible for the other person, so it does help in knowing this.. I USED to get upset at a lot more things, but now.. I just say ok, do what you want.. and vice versa.. it's not that we don't care about each, but after years of being a co-dependent and enabler, after the 12 steps (alanon) I have begun to learn that I can't focus on other people's business and instead, should look after my own.. that is unless someone asks for advice.. is the grass greener.. in some situations yes.. but in others no.. I think as we become happier on the insider, we begin to realize that it's our perceptions that make our reality.... I find that it's becoming more and more the simple things that make me happy.... for me, it's becoming more about gratitude.. when I wake each day, the first thing I do is give thanks.. for me, it's to the universe.. god (as I understand it) ... I say thank you for another day to feel better, be better and do better.. I just feel good that hey, it's another day and I get to live it.. (hopefully :) so start with the little things.. for example. I give thanks for a warm shower.. my family.. a good cup of coffee.. I am always giving some sort of thanks in my head.. for example.. looking out the window right now, and it's a GORGEOUS evening... so I say, wow.. thanks for a great evening.. when I get into an attitude of gratitude, I begin to think less of what I don't have and more about what I do...

I feel like a broken record sometimes but here I go...find a hobby. My hobby has enriched my life more than I ever could have imagined...it has led me to having a more active social life, developing great friendships, gives me a sense of purpose (besides being a mother) and has even led me to make a few extra dollars. My hobby has brought me such joy. (FYI...It took me a while to find it and I tried a bunch of different things before I found this one. I recommend you try taking a class through your local continuing Ed classes offered at the local HS)

learning how to create boundaries and be responsible for one's own happiness is something most of us get better at throughout our lives. a fortunate few are naturally good at it, but honestly most of us are more impacted by others' opinions when we're younger.
but we need to recognize that it's not healthy, and when we have kids it's really important to make a concerted effort to be independent and in charge of our own emotions, and to model that strength for our kids.
they'll take the model and use it as a positive guide as they grow through their own changes and improvements.
but no one's perfect at it.
if it's impacting your overall worldview and happiness, some help may be in order. if it's just a phase you go through periodically, well, that's pretty normal.
i find i'm much more comfortable in my own skin and happy with the life i (and the ol' man) have created now, but i'm an older gal.
it's a process.
khairete
S.

Your life is what you make it. If you continue to worry about every little thing you will spend precious energy that could have been used to do something great for you or the family members.

Who cares what other people think? You live your life for you. Yes, we all would like more things. But.... with always wanting more you lose sight of what you have. You never get to fully enjoy what is around you because you are always looking to "the next thing."

Yes, it would be nice if hubby would take better care of himself, or the children did better on test scores, or the job paid more, or whatever but life if what you make it. Sometimes setting mental boundaries are what is needed to keep the peace in the family. If you don't stop what you are doing you could drive everyone nuts with your 'great expectations' that non one can fulfill. Then you will feel worse off than now. Life is a journey and not a race to the end line.

I have been told I over analyze things and drive people crazy because I am an over achiever. My husband calls me the German when I create things because I want them to be a quality product and to look perfect, and not scream "homemade" all over the products. This is a result of seeing so many handcrafted items that are poorly constructed and charging outrageous price harming the handcrafted market.

Also being a cancer survivor, I appreciate enjoying life as it is every day and being able to take the walk in the sunshine, to feel the breeze on the face and to stop and smell the roses along the way. Give your family credit and praises along the way they deserve them. You are responsible for your own happiness.

the other S.

PS The grass just looks greener until you get into it and find bigger brown spots than the ones you have already. There is always counseling to find out why you are this way with your thoughts.

Nobody's life is perfect! I think tv/movies and FB really skew reality. TV/movies always portray marriages as hot, wild sex all the time. And, FB is just a highlight reel. If you have 300 friends, someone is always getting a new car, taking a trip, got flowers for no reason, has a kid that's a superstar soccer player, etc. But, that's not all happening to one person at one time.

Trust me, for every person you're looking at saying, "I wish my life was like theirs", someone is looking at you saying, "I wish my life was like hers".

When people post things on FB, it makes me wonder "why". For example, a "friend" was playing a game with her family--first time mom, dad, and 2 kids were playing a matching game. She said they're "having so much fun and will definitely play again". My first thought was, if you're having so much fun, why did you stop to post on FB? Can you have "so much fun" and not tell everyone about it--the moment it's happening??

Be thankful for what you have--and maybe take a break from tv/movies/FB, etc.

I don't think about this stuff no. Am I unhappy sometimes? Yes. I think everyone is from time to time. that's life. Some parts aren't so great.
It sounds like your mind doesn't shut off. There are medications for that. My neighbor told me she had that problem and life is ten times easier on the medication for takes. I can tell when she isn't on it.
Just a thought. You might just need some help coping - your life sounds a bit stressful and it's normal to feel off in times like that. But if this is a prevailing way of thinking, why not mention it to your doctor.
Grass not typically greener on other side - no. Finding peace within yourself - is key to happiness (for me anyhow).