I'm Just Curious... - Olathe,KS

The concept of "settling" implies there is someone better out there for you. Is there? Is there such a thing as perfection? There are many people you could have married. All of them have traits you would dislike, eventually. Is there someone more compatible somewhere? Probably. Would you find him? Not necessarily.

It's all about making a choice, and sticking to it. Often we make that choice for a reason, the main one being that we are ready to have kids. I know one thing: I had the perfect kids, and they are the kids I was meant to have. So I wouldn't change one thing that led to their creation. And because I want to have a real, extended family, not some confusing mix of step-this and step-thats, I am committed to staying with my husband, and I don't give words like "settling" a moment's consideration.

I guess I'm in the minority then, because I sometimes think my husband settled for ME!! While he's not perfect, he's perfect for me and I can't imagine being with anyone else, ever. We've been together since we were 17 (we're 29 now), have been married almost 7 years and are expecting baby #3 any day. It's not always easy, but I'm so blessed to have him that any bumps in the road (and don't we ALL have those!) are worth it in the end. Sorry for getting all mushy.....let's blame it on the pregnancy hormones, shall we ;)

When you allow yourself to get bored your mind will take you to places like that. We all second guess our decisions from time to time, you arent alone in that arena for sure.
Right now I'm wondering why I settled to have a white cat, I have fur everywhere and own 10 sticky rollers to remove cat fur. But I love her.
It's just weird.

I think everyone gets that feeling to some degree or another, every once in a while. I have a fantastic husband who is a good fit for me but I've noticed that I may feel that way when we get really busy and don't nuture our relationship or we are going through a stressful time (usually finances).

You are not alone. My grandparents who are in their eighties and are a model of what marriage should be (and they are soul-mates if I've ever seen anyone who is) still sometimes felt like they maybe they made the wrong choice. But I agree with the other posters - it IS a choice to do whatever you can to stay happy in a marriage and to continue to love each other. I think it's easy to think about being married to someone else (or not married at all) because you don't know what it would actually be like! You can imagine how perfect it could be, but chances are you'd have the same problems you have in your marriage now, it's just that you can drive yourself crazy thinking about it because you can never know what might have been.

Whenever I feel this way, I tend to realize that it's my own life I'm dissatisfied if. Like I find myself thinking, if I had married this person instead or someone like this, maybe my life would be more exciting or I would be doing this instead of that. I have to remind myself that even though my husband's "job" is to do whatever he can to have a happy and healthy marriage, my happiness is still my own responsibility. I usually take that feeling as a cue to start something new just for me that will make me feel good about myself - a new hobby or getting back into an old one, or just taking some time for myself, seeing old friends, etc.

I understand. I think everyone feels this way at different times during their lives. We all wonder what could have been. I try not to dwell on those since it doesn't serve a productive purpose. :-)
I got together with my SO after a miscarriage and subsequent divorce. I was over 35 and not getting any younger. There are times when I too wonder, but I do love him and in the end, wouldn't trade him and my dd for anything or anyone in the world. (Even when he is unattentive, forgetful, or neglectful...which happens every so often. He is a man. LOL)
I am a firm believer that love is a conscious decision. You fall in love, but if you don't decide to stay that way, it is way too easy to fall out of love and drift apart. (Speaking from experience). I am also an advocate of communication. If you don't talk to each other and really listen to what each other has to say, love can take a beating. If communication is a problem, there are books to consider...Men are from Mars, Love Languages, etc. As for the love, sometimes your head has to rule your heart.

I once heard about a couple that had been married for many many years (I want to say 70?) Anyway...when asked what the secret to their long marriage was, they both said something like, "We never fell out of love with the other one at the same time!", implying that it is normal to question and normal to "fall in and out of love", while still loving someone...just have to make sure it doesn't happen to both of you at the same time!

Once in a while, when I'm frustrated with DH, I'll wonder about things (but I can only imagine how often he gets frustrated with me!?) and as he's leaving on deployment, I think about the real possibility of that car pulling up to my home with the 2 officers in it to deliver bad news...and my heart stops, and my eyes well up and I realize I don't want to ever live without him.

Are you still good friends? I was smiling at Lesley S's answer--I'm also expecting my 3rd baby and my husband and I have been married almost 7 years. We actually went to a friends' wedding today who told him that he's so glad he waited because he knows she is the perfect person for him and his best friend. My husband was telling the groom that there is nothing better than spending every day of your life with your best friend. There is always love, which is amazing, but being friends even when one of us is being an idiot (and we can be really stupid) makes it so much nicer. I have never felt like I settled for him, we both have our own insecurities and major flaws, but we complete each other. Marriage does sometimes take work, and if you are not taking the time to just hang out and keep in touch, so to speak, it could make you feel like you do. I would just make renewing your mutual interests a priority and hang in there. I am a firm believer in working for marriage.

Blessings!!

I don't think I've ever experienced the feeling that I just "settled," but I do play the "What if " game a lot. I wonder what would have happened if I'd married the college boyfriend that I was madly in love with at the time. I wonder what would have happened if I'd been the person then that I am now. But, at the end of the day I know I'm right where I'm suppose to be.
It's so easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side. It rarely is. I would really examine the circumstances surrounding those feelings. Did you just have a fight? Has he been away or less attentive than normal? Are the kids driving you absolutely bonkers that day? So many times when things are bad, it's easy to play the "what if" game. I think it's our fight or flight instinct.
Since you're experiencing these feelings often, perhaps you and your husband aren't connecting anymore. It's so easy to do when everyone is so busy. It's time for date night! Or if you can't swing a date night, try a lunch alone. Or even just a quiet night at home with no TV or other distractions.

I agree with the other moms:

It's time for a romantic vacation. Just the two of you having someone else change your sheets, bring your towels, and prepare your meals. Hopefully this will rejunvenate you.

Not so much "settled" but got married for the wrong reasons.
You're not the only one.
Meanwhile, about why you get this feeling often . . .
it's time for, perhaps, a couples retreat or weekend workshop.

I don't think you're alone and it's an average thought. I have been thinking about that lately as well. Not because there is something wrong in my marriage (as others keep saying) but because everything has always been too right. We have been together for 11 years and everything has always gone smoothly ... it's wonderful and great but where is the passion, the extreme feelings, anything ... so I wonder if we sort of just fell in to our marriage, our family. We love each other dearly and neither of us ever have any plans of separating ... but it's just a thought and curiosity on whether we did settle or what would have happened and so forth. Good luck and hopefully some of these responses will give you some support and understanding.

i do get that feeling sometimes, but i married for "love" and not money, security, or convenience...so yes, i do think in some ways we settle. the perfect guy is NOT out there. no one is perfect. so we find the person whose less-than-great characteristics are ones we can live with. we're not perfect either. it's a natural feeling. hang in there. sounds like maybe a date night is in order...! :)

No, I have never felt like I "settled."
No Husband is perfect... but you chose that man.
Marriage takes work... ANY marriage.
None is a fairy tale.
Always looking for greener pastures... just leaves one disillusioned... and not satisfied.
Know what you have... and what is.
And that you chose it.
Ultimately, everyone 'chooses' what they have or hope for or want or need.... and then it takes concerted effort to achieve that or anything.

Or some people are just prefectionists and can never be satisfied. I know some people like that.
Or, some people just don't know what they want, thus they think they want other things/people. But that is a revolving door.... until you KNOW in yourself, who you are and what you want/need and chose. And why.
And some people, are not in touch with themselves... hence, feeling "lonely" or not even knowing how they feel.... but it is them... not their partner... that originates that problem of emptiness... .

all the best,
Susan

I don't believe that there is one perfect soulmate for each person; no one is perfect. I believe that there are lots of good fits, and some are better than others. I do think that there might be others who are a better fit for me in some ways, but I try to remember that they wouldn't be able to make me laugh the same way or do some of the other wonderful things my DH does.

I don't think you are alone in your feelings, and I don't think there's anything wrong with having them. But I do think it's important to remind yourself of the positives so you aren't tempted to look for greener pastures.

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I get frustrated with my spouse at times. We have much less time to spend together with 2 young children who always need attention.

I chose to be with my husband and we had both dated others before we were together. It is a mostly good but not perfect match (no one is perfect). Whoever you are with is a whole person with good and bad qualities. When you get married you are choosing one specific person and set of qualities (that range from endearing to aggravating). Occasionally the grass may look greener someplace else but it is rarely worth giving up the time and shared history with your own spouse. If it is just an occasional fantasy about someone else I wouldn't feel guilty. If you are feeling dissatisfied in some way try and figure out what it is and if you can improve things in your marriage to get what you feel you are missing.

This is a very interesting and complex question....because sometimes feeling that one has "settled" can come from a general ambivalence about intimacy. I'd say that the majority of people who are happily married do not feel like they have "settled". It sounds to me like there are issues in your marriage (you mentioned loneliness, etc.) that need to be addressed. OFTEN ppl "settle" for a poorer quality of marriage than they should. It's usually probs w/in the relationship, not the person, that cause the prob. Hope this was helpful!
Sheir N., MA

I remember reading this question before awhile ago... was it you that asked it too... infact i remember the update about not leaving your husband and everything.
Are you repeating yourself?

I think it sometimes, mainly after another frustrating and overly dramatic visit with his mother. Also, when he and I disagree over discipline. Issues that can't be resolved, things I don't want to deal with in my life.

I think it is a natural feeling. A woman here who is envied because her husband seems so wonderful to everyone and is obviously a great father comes across as a b^&*( because she is on him a lot. He has a pot belly, but is active and teaches each child whatever sport they are in. He makes enough money to come home at 4 daily. He is nice to everyone and frankly if she weren't around, would be a great friend to all.

Another mom is regularly whispering comments to her husband to quit making jokes. We thought he was funny and not at all obnoxious, but she obviously disagrees. They have a great life and are blessed in every way.

grandmas say it the best :)

I think everyone questions their choices at times. I know I have. The only thing I have never questioned is having my children.

It's called being in a rutt it happens and you find that thing weather it be a new something or an old something you revisit that reminds you of why you are where you are. Everyone goes thru it.