How Do You Stay in a Marriage When You Aren't "In Love"?

Fall in love with him.

I totally get what you are saying, have been there, but I decided to not be there any longer. Spice up the relationship and take a good hard look at this person. Make the choice to fall in love with him, and then just do it.

The question you have to answer is "Would my life be better with him or without him?"

Acting loving when you don't feel loving doesn't make you loving; it makes you an actor.

When my parents went through a rough patch, they both read a book called "How to Want What You Have" by Timothy Miller. Perhaps you might find it helpful? They both found it helpful (but separated, divorced, and remained apart for a year and a half before getting back together and remarrying).

Jessica

Trust me, if you have a good husband you will fall in love with him when you are older. You will really appreciate him when you are 50,60,70,80...
"in love" is a temporary feeling of bliss that leaves. Being content is much more stable and satisfying in the long run.
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ADDED after I read a devotional this morning:

I think the key is being practical and spiritual. It was Benjamin Franklin who said, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.” The problem is that a lot of people go into marriage with their eyes half shut. They are in a rush to get married. And that is a big mistake.

Marriage depends on two things: Finding the right person and being the right person. So let’s be realistic. No man or woman will meet the deepest needs of our lives. Instead, our contentment should come from our relationship with God.

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Girl - I'm am sorry you are going through this...

However...I can tell you that you are your own worst enemy....after looking at your other posts it seems like you have some other issues that, instead of taking them on yourself, you put off on your husband...

YOU are responsible for your happiness. No other person is responsible for that nor can another person "make you happy".

How are you not being authentic to yourself?

I STRONGLY suggest that you get into counseling so that you can like YOU...couples counseling will be good for you as well.

You are ruining YOUR life. I am sorry this is harsh - but you need a wake up call....you contradict yourself in MANY ways...the thought of having sex with him to "keep" him in the marriage...the next sentence - "the thought of hurting him....makes me sick to my stomach."

Did you buy into "happily ever after"?
What were your expectations?
What did you EXPECT to happen in 5, 7 and 10 years? From being married for 14 years, I can tell you that 7 was the hardest - that old wives tale about "the seven year itch" was REALLY happening!! :)

You OBVIOUSLY found something attractive about this man BEFORE you married him. What has detracted you from that attraction? You have said in the past, he's not repulsive...so what is holding you back? why are you keeping yourself from being happy? Do you think you deserve better? that you could've done better? You state he's a great guy - so I don't think it's that you deserve better....

I would start COMMUNICATING with him again like you did when you were dating....I would go to counseling for myself so I can get resolution to MY feelings....

You have a TON going for you. Please look at other posts here on husband's who have beaten, insulted, cheated and so on and realize just how good you have it....please seek counseling!!

GOOD LUCK!!

"In love" is that giddy, euphoric feeling we get when we first meet someone - when a relationship is new and everything we learn/discover about the other person is a new revelation, therefore the relationship is always exciting.

Love is what comes after. After we learn the other person's habits and foibles, likes and dislikes, and we settle into an every day life with the other person.

"In love" cannot last - imagine the sheer exhaustion that would be the end result of maintaining the giddiness. Love is the end result.

So my first thought when you say you are not "in love" with your husband is that you need to recognize love vs "in love", to understand that even though the euphoria may gone, that love can still exist.

My second thought is to ask, when did you begin to feel this way? After two kids and the routine of day to day life had waned? Before the children? Sometimes, post postpartum can effect sex drive.

Thirdly, I see from your prior posts that you started therapy? Are you still going? Have you both gone to therapy together? If the therapist you are seeing is not helping - try another, with a different specialty. Also, talk to your physician - ensure that you rule out anything organic - and continue to work on the emotional. No matter what you decide about your marriage you have to be emotionally healthy to live a fulfilling life.

Lastly I leave you with this.... I knew a most wonderful man, smart (two master's degrees smart), attractive and successful. His wife, after 20 years of marriage, three children (the youngest a senior in high school) told him one day that she wanted a divorce, that she had never been "in love" with him. He was blind sided and devastated. If you decide you truly want out of your marriage, don't wait 20 years. Don't put your husband, who you freely write is "a wonderful person and an amazing dad", through what my friend went through.

Good Luck
God Bless

I've had several friends in this exact scenario, where they just don't love their spouse anymore. The spouse didn't do anything wrong, they just didn't love them. To be honest, I usually tell them to leave. Not because I think THEY (my friends who are unsatisfied) deserve better, but because I think their spouses and kids do. A few of them left (not because I said so, they just eventually did). They ALL regretted it. It's easy not to like what you have until you lose it.

One friend got his wife to take him back, but their relationship stinks because she knows he didn't really love her to begin with, then couldn't hack it on his own, but realized she was great after all, and now for the kids, they're trying to be a family. Imo, it's not going to last.

You are looking at this in a totally self centered way, which is human nature. YES, you need to be happy. But happiness always comes from giving, turning your interest outward to how you can be of service to others by being a good mother, wife, friend. If you are feeling like you are forced into sex and you're so unhappy and it will never change, that's a FAR cry from trying. YOu should do a trial and say, "I'm going to fake it to make it. I'm going to enjoy sex with this person, initiate, etc for 3 months and see how I feel. I'm going to ask how He's doing, help him with HIS stuff, appreciate him, do stuff for him and forget MYSELF for just 3 months. Then, if I'm still miserable, I'm going to shove off" (If you can afford it).

If you can't be happy, and you knew all along you didn't love him, you need to give him a shot at a new wife who loves and cherishes him. He doesn't deserve this, you're right!

Also, I've been in a few past relationships with self centered people who I could tell felt a little "put out" to be in the relationship for whatever reason. I always cut those types loose with glee. Puleeeze, like I really NEED them so much? They always regretted it immediately, because they realized they were just looking at things wrong. And selfishly is always wrong. And immature. They were never trapped, and I didn't do anything to them. Actually, this was in my 20s, and they were just young. And then when they were all eager to try to make it work, it was too late, because I'm not into selfish immature people who feel "trapped" once they get something.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but think long and hard if you really want to get out into the world and find someone better than him, because if you put him through the hell of divorce, he's not going to take you back most likely. But if you truly don't love him, it's probably the best thing to do. If you're not sure, try REALLY REALLY hard for a few months to think of how to be good to him. The rewards can be great when you give instead of focus on what you're not getting.

Meanwhile, as an aside, I commend you for not cheating while having this dissatisfaction. I think you're a good person and will do the right thing here. You don't have to stay.

Have you even tried therapy? Have you done anything other than feel sorry for yourself? I read this and even when you speak of he doesn't deserve this it is more I don't deserve this guilt.

Thing is without therapy I have a feeling you just have no idea. You don't have the love of your life, who does? We feel we have the love of our lives, that is internal to us. If you are waiting for something external to make a man the love of your life you are going to keep repeating this pattern and lord will that be unfair on your kids.

These are all your issues and you haven't given anything a fair shake if you don't try to figure out why you feel the way you do. If you just won't do therapy at least look at the couples around you. Try really hard to figure out what makes their relationships work. Do they seem any different than you. If you are really open to it you will figure out it is their attitude towards each other than makes the difference, not that either is special or somehow made for the other.

If you have this attitude towards your husband you will have it towards any man you date, you will never be happy.

Oh my experience in this, my husband was a discard by a woman like you. If you do divorce him I would like to thank you in advance for what ever woman gets him since I cannot thank my husbands ex.

I read you what happened but what if it is you? What if you move on and it isn't better? What if you already have happiness and just don't realize it. I like what Dawn said, I had the abusive marriage I know how good I have it now. No one should have to walk through hell just to know how to smell a rose. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

You need to get into counseling and find a way to be in love with your hubby.

I also recommend working on putting the spark back in your relationship. When is the last time you went out on a date with him? You need to start thinking romanticly about him. A nice dinner out -- some dancing -- a nice walk along the water --or a weekend getaway for the two of you.

I truly believe every marriage is different and has it's own unique flavor. I also believe, and have witnessed, that you can marry the wrong person entirely and still make it work, once you get married they become the right person. I have some friends that got married when they were young and wild etc. As they grew up and got their acts together, and actually got to realize who they were as individuals they realized they didn't like each other much! So they had to make a decision, get to know their spouse and learn to love them or bail. They stayed together and gave my husband and some of the finest marriage counseling I think anyone has ever had. They have been married like 35 yrs now and are two little peas in a pod. You don't have to have the marriage your parents had or some of your friends have or the marriage some of us have. You don't even have to have the marriage you perceive is possible. This is your journey. People in some places have arranged marriages and it still works. I knew a couple like that too. The wife did not want any part of being given to a stranger. When I knew them, they were totally happy. It sounds like you appreciate him, that's good. Just start there and feed your mind with thoughts of how great he is in so many ways. When the negative thoughts come about the in love stuff, don't give place to them. The mind is a powerful thing and you can reprogram your thinking. Only think good toward him, nothing else. Do nice things for him. Sex is nice and fun, are you being fulfilled when you guys come together? If not, that is something to work on and tell him about if not, having sex and not enjoying it is not a good deal. If you are just going through the motions and not worrying about your own satisfaction, let him satisfy you, it will be so much better. It doesn't sound like you want to leave and you have such good reasons to stay. Don't worry about the next 20 yrs etc, just one day at a time. Do nice things for him, respect him and think well of him, I think love will grow in you. Whether you had reservations going in or not, you are in now and have so much to lose and so much worth saving. Hang in there, wish you the best.

Love is not a 'feeling'. Too many movies and books have ruined us and made us think life is one big feeling of being 'in love' all the time. It's a choice that may include feelings of being 'in love' but it also may include many other feelings along the way. It's also not just about us and our feelings but those of the person we committed to live with forever. Try not to think of your feelings at all but of those of your husband and children and try to 'd'o and 'serve' them and soon you will not be thinking of yourself but you will be loving them instead. Love is doing and acting out and feeling all in one. Don't abandon the family until you try this. You have what you're looking for right where you are.

When my son died I really didn't think it would ever be possible to be happy and feel joy again although I wanted to and knew I needed to for my husband, daughter and extended family, friends and myself. Although I did not feel "happy" I acted happy, putting a smile on my face each day. IMO happiness is a choice. Try to count your blessings and go out of your way to make your husband happy. Perhaps doing good deeds for others will make you happier. At the risk of sounding harsh, I really felt sorry for your husband when reading your post. He does not deserve a relationship like this for the next 20-30 years.

I also suggest you listen to Dennis Prager radio show. One part of his show is called " the happiness hour" He also has a "male/ female" hour. I really think you maybe able to learn a lot from him.

Take care. I really hope the best for you and your family.

I looked at some of your other posts. It seems that you've suffered from depression and anxiety for awhile. I don't have any answers for you. My concern is that you have these feelings about life in general and are taking them out on your husband. Are there any other things that you could change in your life that would make you feel better about yourself? That could change the way you see your husband. Good luck to you.

I agree with the advice you've gotten as to:
1. Loving what you HAVE just might be better than what you THINK is better
2. Look at your kids and ask if they deserve this upheaval in their lives.
I'm sorry, your post sounds a bit childish.
No ones gets a certificate from God Almighty declaring that you have made the perfect decision or spousal choice.
We choose who we choose.
Honestly, you husband, from the little you've written about him here, sounds like a better guy that 50% of the husbands I know.
Careful what you wish for--you might just get it.
Good luck!

I think maybe you should seek counseling. That will help you put things into perspective and will help you decide what to do. I really don't understand. I was madly in love with my hubby and still am after 20 years. It seems like if he's a good person that you could fall in love easily enough. Love is a decision we make not necessarily a feeling we have. Even the most happily ever after marriages have periods like this. It's a choice to continue to give 100% to our partners and that's what makes our love grow stronger and deeper. I believe counseling will help you with your decision. I wish you the best. Good luck to you!!

You are already hurting him and hurting your kids. He deserves to be loved, and you are showing your kids that marriage is a loveless, resentful, agreement. Counseling can always be helpful whether you stay or go. I recommend looking for an counselor that is open-minded about the outcome of your marriage.

After looking at your other posts...
Let him go. He deserves a woman who WANTS him, and will love and appreciate him.
It sounds like you have never been in love with him, it sounds like you just used him to have kids.
I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that is what I see based on what you have shared here. Your kids will suffer, of course, and I bet you will not be as "happy" as a single working mom as you think you will be, but at least your husband will not be trapped in a marriage with a woman who must force herself to have sex with him once a week. How sad and awful :(

Maybe it is because I am pregnant and up way to early, but I feel like crying over your situation.... I am not religious but I agree with ReverendRuby. You have gone all this way and brought children into this marriage you really need to see a good therapist. Remember they may not give the answers you want especially if you are seeking someone to validate you leaving the marriage. You have made a physical effort to try (sex) but you need to give a good mental/emotional effort. Remember the grass is not always greener...I am not saying you should settle...do what you need to do to take an extended weekend without the kids. And go into the weekend with a genuine happy attitude to have fun and romance. Remember nothing is perfect so if while away things are not going the way you planned find a way to laugh together. Also bring romance in everyday. How? Hug and or kiss daily say I love you (it isn't a lie you said you do love him in a way) write down ALL the things you love about him (like the way he eats his ice cream....or whatever - not just the super important stuff but the little stuff too.) Best Wishes! Hugs!

I'm going through something sort of similar. It hasn't been going on as long, and I haven't tried all the things you've tried. But I am with a good (if certainly not perfect) man, and am just missing "spark" right now. What is keeping me in is thinking about ALL the possible outcomes. Not "I leave, I find someone else, I'm happy." But HIM finding someone else, and my daughter having a step mother. Also the struggle to find a new mate who I trust to treat my daughter right. It makes me realize that I have to work on what I have, because a vague feeling of discontent is far better than most of the probable alternatives. If you didn't have kids, I'd say just let go, but think really hard about what you'd be giving up, not just for you, but for your kids. Also, if the idea of him being with someone else REALLY bothers you, perhaps you are more in love with him than you think?

If you can look ALL the consequences in the face (you never find anyone else, he finds someone else, you enter the dating pool to realize not all men are going to treat you or your kids the way he does) and say "I really still want to leave," leave. Otherwise figure out how to make it work.

Also, if he really is that great of a guy, focus on treating him the way he deserves to be treated, and not worry about you so much. Maybe you'll find that giving is the best way of getting.

i think your expectations are unrealistic and it sounds to me as if you have never truly been in a bad relationship. i'm not saying this to be harsh...but seriously...if you ever had been, you would be much more appreciative. there is NO perfect marriage...but yours sounds pretty dang close. having said that though, nothing we say will make you appreciate what you have. you will either put your family first or yourself...i hope that maybe you will decide to look on the positive side and enjoy this wonderful life you have been given. a hint is maybe spend some extra time TRYING to get the spark back. talk to your husband. maybe spice things up in the bedroom. go on dates. etc. but like i said, it's all dependant on YOU and your outlook. he can't fix this. we can't fix this. only you can.

I have no idea how to deal with this, but I would recommend individual therapy for you. Because you need to know what's going on in your head. You need to understand why you think you married him because he was a nice guy and it was the "right thing to do". If you don't know why you did this, you will repeat things. It just seems odd that you would get married in the first place if you didn't love him. Perhaps you DO love him, but something is getting in the way of that. Either way, you need to dig it up and deal with it. Good luck!

I have never been in your exact situation, But after reading some responses I had to chime in.

Ok I think whoever says that the "in love" feeling just goes away and that is "NORMAL" in marriage,. is wrong.
I have been with my husband for 6 years and we were friends for 4 years before that. I have NEVER lost that giddy, "in love" feeling.
I spend every moment I can with my husband. And I miss him when he's gone. I get excited every day when he comes home from work.
My grandparents kissed, hugged and said "I love you" every day. They were always huggin, holding hands etc. My grandma always told me she loved her husband MORE each day and he still gave her that butterfly feeling.

it IS possible to have a relationship where that "giddie, butterfly" feeling stays.
With that said. If you aren't happy, Honestly NOT happy, than something needs to be done.
I would have said to not marry him in the first place, but too far for that one.
You need to talk to him. Have you told him you've felt this way?
It's only fair that you talk to him about what you are feeling. He deserves to know. Counseling...I don't think that will do anything for you, If you truly do not LOVE this man, talking to a counselor isn't going to change that.
Make sure that you are SURE about these feelings and not just in a bad "mood"
If you are really sure about it, TALK to HIM.

You need to have someone you can talk to in depth about your feelings and have them help you set goals for you to work on. You need to decide during these sessions as to what you want. If you have never been in love then perhaps you are missing out on something. If you felt those feelings at some times then it could be hormones or stress, depression, many other health issues too that are causing you to not be able to feel them right now.

No one should be so unhappy. Being true to yourself is important. Have you met someone that made you feel the way you wanted to feel when you were in love? I know that sometimes innocent flirtations can make people feel like their marriages are over. They are often not real emotions, just the crush like feelings a teen can experience.

One of my friends daughters had this happen and the person was the same sex as she was. She decided she must be a lesbian. She left her family, moved in with this person she was attracted to and after a very short affair she realized it was not so. She regretted ruining her family and sharing with the world that she was gay when in fact she wasn't. Her whole life was ruined by the simple misguided attempt at chasing a bit of excitement.

Another friend, my college roommate was getting married and was looking forward to it with all his heart, as far as everyone knew. He met someone and was totally happy for the first time in his life. His spouse is a wonderful Mexican man that has the most wonderful personality in the world. They are a very happy gay married couple.

My point is that if you are this unhappy then you need help to decide what avenue to follow so that you make the right decisions for yourself and not mistakes that hurt others. Being in an unhappy situation is a miserable place to be.

7 year itch may be setting in. I think maybe trying "The Love Dare" may be in order. I would be willing to try anything before I ended my marriage, and I believe the love dare is like 40 days long. Can you sacrifice your own happiness for 40 or so more days? I know I could for the sake of my children's happiness. Best of luck to you and your family.

You need to change your mind if you want to save your marriage--it's not just your marriage you'll be saving, it will be your whole family. I don't think you're selfish to have these thoughts, but I do think they are poisoning your marriage and you should not indulge in "life is short" and "don't I deserve more" etc. Your kids deserve more, your husband deserves more, too. And you are the only one who can give them what they need. They are your family.

Divorce is contagious. Take advice only from those you know who are happy and long-married. There will always be lows in a lifetime with one person. 7 years in is the most common time for those doubts and feelings to be really intense.

Try reading here: Marriage Moats, http://www.caringformarriage.org/

You know the answer. Whether or not you chose to listen to what your heart is telling you is your decision. Sounds like you know what you need to do but are scared. I understand trying to save a marriage for your kids, but if you're not happy, your husband obviously can't be happy - you can make it work apart. Lots of people do it, it's hard, but if you will both be happier people apart, then you will be better parents apart too. You have to listen to yourself at some point. If you're miserable, you're right. Life is too short. Sounds like you want something else and your husband deserves someone who will reciprocate. It may be the hard decision now, but I think it will be better in the long run. Good luck.

Amen Grandma T. - can't add to that.

Good luck BellaMomma! Hang in there!

Are you sexually attracted to other men? Do you see other families and wish yours was more like theirs? I wonder how much of this stems from not necessarily a lack of love (because you seem to care deeply about your husband) but a distinct lack of sexual attraction in general. I mean - a year without sex? i can't even begin to imagine that - and my hubby and i have been together for 20 years. That said - i don't know what you can do if you aren't attracted to your spouse. I agree - keeping your family together is important - but you can't find sexual attraction where there isn't any. sorry - i strongly believe that is innate and VERY IMPORTANT in a marriage.
You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Maybe you shouldn't have married - but that's in the past - so you either need to fess up, get a divorce and hope the grass is greener OR suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage for the next 15 years or until your kids move out. Sounds like a lose-lose either way. :-(

Sorry and good luck

Books, date nights, counseling, etc. cannot fill the void that lies in your heart.

In fact, I think counseling is a crutch a temporary fix for problems in relationships. As an individual I can totally see the benefits of perspective, but when two very different people, personalities, etc. are trying to reach a common ground with the help of an "unbiased" third voice, it's impossible to see at that time that you are on different paths and have outgrown the relationship. Counseling just forces you to accept what is wrong and try to look beyond your reality when deep in your heart you're unhappiness is a constant reminder that you need to move on.

Selfish has nothing to do with how you feel. People are afraid of their own reality that's why it's so easy for people to encourage an unhappy miserable person to find happiness in misery. LOL!!! Seriously, some people are so obsessed with marriage and image they don't often see the writing on their own walls because they want to hold on to a fantasy themselves.

You married for the wrong reason. Children do not bind parents.

I suggest you re-evaluate yourself and decide what will make you happy or at least feel good about you. If leaving the marriage is the answer then make sure you can live with that decision as well as leaving a "good dad" etc.

You have to do what's best for you and your children, however, if you are not happy with your marriage you are going to implode from all of your pretending. It's not healthy.

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ILoveoreos wrote:
Wow... how full of venom you are. No wonder you are unhappy.

Just to be clear, I was not singling you out.
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That was rude and ignorant. Because a woman/person can honestly state she's not happy that means she's full of venom? People have a right to feel what they choose to feel and SHE ONLY HAS ONE LIFE TO LIVE AND OBVIOUSLY IS TIRED OF PRETENDING.

I would respect her more to leave the marriage after exhausting all avenues to fix what's been broken or missing in her heart for years, and that's genuine feelings for her husband. He deserves better, too.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I pray that you find the answer you need. At the same time, if you can't see yourself having a future with this person then leave, don't let him waste his life with a woman who doesn't want him and don't waste your life with someone you don't want to be with. This is very tricky but in the end you are the only one who can make this decision. Best wishes.

Wow. I'm coming into this a little late, but maybe you aren't just into him. You knew it in the beginning. Free him and yourself from the deceitfulness. You will be happier by being honest with yourself. Just because a person is nice, doesn't mean you marry them and this is where I believe you went wrong. You knew day one you weren't compatible with this person. You still stay in the marriage and had kids almost as if you feel obligated to and your not. You can leave when ever you want. You need to find something or someone you can believe in. You seem out of touch with life and who you are as a person. Find a better counselor to help you sort your life out. In the meantime, tell your husband the truth before things get worse.

I don't have an exact answer for you but, no, I don't think you're being selfish. I wish everyone was happy in their marriage. My question to you is - do you know what he might do that would help you to fall in love with him? Sounds like you've tried all the basics already. Do you need him to say, talk to you more or listen to you more? Do you feel understood? I know for me, it's often about my husband and I having some alone time to just talk each day. Once we've done that, I feel emotionally connected and then the physical connection is just an extension of that (at least for me). Do you have fun together? Are you generally a happy person outside of this matter? Do you have other good friendships/relationships in your life? Is there something missing in your life (a fulfilling hobby or some volunteer work you'd like to have time for?) Does your husband CARE that you're not happy? Only you can answer these questions. Best of luck to you.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.My husband and I have been there.........we were at the point of no return(or so many people around us thought) , so I know how it feels.We made it by God's grace.....for those of us who have been saved ,yes HE is the ANSWER to all our "problems". He is the ROCK we stand on when the world is falling apart.The JOY and LOVE that comes from Him will never EVER compare to any earthly ''happiness". Bad things do happen, but not because we did not pray enough, but because it's a fallen,sinful world.
Maybe you are just looking for happiness in the wrong place.......................
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Try reading Mort Fertel's book and even his online class( class is expensive, but te best money I've spent in a long time). Your post made me think of an example he gives of a friend of his who comes to love his car because he spends time taking care of it every weekend. how love is a byproduct of caring for and making choices to do for your spouse. He spells out how to care for your spouse and marriage. Bottom line, we are happy when we do for others more so than seek happiness. Happiness is a result. I think doing what you think is right more so than what you think will make you happy works. There are reasons for how you feel that you are not going in to. If after some time you have to leave, Because you are too miserable to do a good job as parent, etc, then that's another thing.

I read your post the other day and have now circled back to it to comment. It stuck with me and actually prompted a discussion with a friend of mine. I don't have any good advice except to do what you feel it best. Since you definately care about your husband and he's a good person, can you talk to him? Have you tried couples counseling? Beyond that, I just don't know. Best of luck to you and your family.