Is One Enough??

My husband and I are having only one. She is 5 1/2 months old. I have a heart condition and pregnancy aggravated it so much that my dr. doesn't recommend pregnancy again. The decision is made for us. We're not at all upset about it. She'll be independent, find wonderful friends and she has a lot of cousins. She means the world to us and we want her to be afforded a wonderful childhood.

When I was thinking about this same subjecta few years ago, I heard someone say something about what their aunt had told them. She said, "you'll never regret having another child, but you may well regret having not had another child."

May not do it for everyone, but that did it for me...

Hello M. H:
I have three wonderful teenagers ages 18, 16, 15(two boys and one girl) although my teens say they wish they were only children, in the end they have learned to share, respect others opinions, and teamwork. socially, my three are the Greene Kids, everyone loves them and each have their individuality. the only thing I wished had happened in my situation is a little more time between my two younger children. But I and they have survived and really they are like twins,( I actually have two the same age for .. a month)LOL. My oldest, is remarkably, going to make a young woman proud to be his wife. He has a heart of gold and I truly believe it is because he has younger siblings.My oldest, has always been my helper and still is to this day. I truly belive he is who he is because he has siblings to help manage. He has learned what it takes to survive in this cruel world. Now of course, I receive the statements from him all the time, Mom, if that was me you would have Killed me. In reality, the younger ones are nothing like him. He was easier to manage due to his demeanor and it takes us different strategies to deal with each one. My husband and I ( and the teens) are ready for them to try out their wings in this big world and our journey with each is in transition mode, but all in all I would not have it any other way. these babies are our world and we all have learned so much from each other which is what life is all about. I don't know if that helps, but I recommend at least two years between each child. Always remember they do grow up and cost more as the years go by and the demands are always there, make sure your husband and you are able to financially handle extra and always make sure you both agree to have a contengency plan just in case. Let me know if that helped. Also, one more thing, My husband and I have always been honest with our kids and have allowed to speak thier mind. When you allow the kids to get involved in life's struggles and help in coming up with a solution, let's just say you will be amazed at how much you learn in the long run from your kids... they are so awesome.
C. G

i have two daughters and i cant image one with out the other they have really created each other if that makes any since at all, my daughters are best friends and my oldest daughter has been alittle mama since the day hailey was born she has loved helpping her in everyway since day one, my brother has 4 children and his oldest son was so happy when he found out he was gonna have a little brother or sister (with the first sibling) the third he was happy about until he found he still was not getting a sister he was happy with the 4th because it was finally a sister by all means i'm not saying jump from 1 to 4 lol my now almost 5 year old yea is begging for a little brother now we have told her she is gonna have to wait now but in my exp. two is def. better then one when i was pregnant with my second i was very concerned that i loved my oldest daughter so much how could i poss.have that amount of love for two? but those concerns went out the window the minute i saw her grant you i have heard of plenty of kids getting very jealous at even the mettion of another child even though he is only 2 talk to him about it and explain that the baby would be in mommy's tummy for a long time and he what could expect once the babies born and what he thinks about that make sure to point out all of the good things about being a big brother now my boyfriends oppion is pretty much the complete opsite but his ex wife has put him through the ringer putting his children in the middle

Hello M., It is awesome to want the best for your son and what better gift than to give him a friend and playmate for the rest of his life. My son who is now four and he absolutly LOVES his baby brother!! Also this will teach your child how to share, wait, take turns, etc. Because in "real life" he will not be the center of attention. Best wishes, A.

I don't think there is any right answer to whether or not you want to have another child. But I can say that my husband and I went through all of the same thoughts that you are. We knew we wanted another but we were worried about how that would affect our son. He was 2 1/2 when our daughter was born and to be honest, he would have been fine without her, but he's great with her. They adore eachother. It was hard going through all of the newborn stuff again, but to me was worth it. An only child will be fine in a loving home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having another one if you truly aren't sure. You'll have questions either way...why don't I have a brother or sister or why did you have to have another one (when they are fighting). Go with your heart. Worry about what is best for you and your husband. Children adapt to their situation.

I too, had this conversation with my husband. He only wanted one. His logic, we could give him everything he wants. I told him the best gift you could give a child is a family. I wanted my son to have brothers or sisters. We decided to have one more and ended up with twin boys! They are the geratest thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard, but the love they have for each other is immeasurable. They are buds, playmates, but most of all, they are brothers. An only child might have your sole attention, but would that fulfill the need for siblings? Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck with it and whatever you decide will be right for your family.

R.

I have one child and he is now 10 years old. There are definitely benefits and drawbacks to having more than one child. James is very loving and giving. He still makes sure he hugs me every morning, even if it's in front of other kids. Some moms I've talked to said that at 10 their kids stopped doing that. We do give him all the attention and he has definitely learned by example. We are compassionate people who actually stop to help a turtle cross the road so he isn't killed by a car. He sees that and mimics it. Now the draw backs. He is very spoiled. I told him last night that he was too cute and he said thank you. When I told him that he already knew that he said "Yes, I do!" So he does have a tendency to be cocky at times. That, I believe, comes from too much attention. We are currently talking about having another child and we worry about our son's reaction to it as well. We asked him how he would feel and he said that he thought it was cool. He has asked in the past why we didn't have more kids so that question probably will come if he is prompted to think about it by other relatives who are pushing for more kids. My parents only have him as a grand child so they've always made little comments here and there. After going all the way around my foot to get to my head, this is what I'm trying to say. If he is loving and caring now, if you nurture that, he will continue to be loving and caring. Making him included in the process might help (i.e. letting him pick out clothes or suggest names for the baby). Always hug him and let him know that no matter how the family changes he is still a very special part of it and you will always love him.

Our son was 2 1/2 when we had our baby girl and I have to say that I was broken hearted for him the day I walked out of the hospital with the baby. He had been with me since his birth nonstop, very attached and he had my unconditional attention all the time. I was very sad that I couldn't keep things that way after we had the baby. He went trough a very difficult time adjusting. But I think it is better that he is not the only child. And a year or two from now he will not remember the difficult transition. Now that our little one is 6 months old, my son is very loving towards her and very understanding. No decision is easy to make. But don't worry about your son, he will understand the situation as long as you remind him constantly that another child in your life does not mean you love him less.
Good luck!

D. T.

M.,

This is a huge decision and i think it's wonderful that you guys are thinking very carefully about it. Here are my thoughts...If you and your husband are financial capable and physically capable of having another child then i say have another child. Children are nothing but wonderful blessings that bring so much more joy and happiness into a family. Think about how much joy and love you both received and gave when you had your first. A second or even third would only be better, it could never be worse! Are there going to be times when you are exhausted or the kids will argue, of course! But all the good times will outweigh those rough times.

Right now I only have one daughter and she is 7. My husband and I just recently lost our next baby, i had an eptopic pregnancy which was very difficult and i'm not sure if i will be able to have more children. But we will keep trying and if for whatever reason we can't, we are going to consider adopting. Either way, i want my daughter to grow up with brothers and sisters. I come from a family of four children and i couldn't imagine what my life would have been like had i not had brothers and sisters to play with and turn to. They are my best friends! And i love that we are all so close in age, we all got to really grow up together, go through life and learn the good and the bad. And the fact that we all had eachother made it so much better and easier in my opinion.

My sister has a daughter that is 9 and her and my daughter go to school together. So they get to see eachother everyday and they come home with eachother everyday and get to spend some time together until my sister and i get home from work and i'll tell you i am so happy that she has her. Even though it's just her cousin, they are many ways like sisters because they have grown up together. They fight and play like sisters and they miss eachother when the other is not around. It's sometimes hard when Julia (that's my daughter) comes home and has no one to play with. She's at that age when she wants to play with friends and if she can't then she definitely wants mom to play with her, which is great, but when you have things to do and get done, another sibling would really help out in those situations. They keep eachother busy when mom and dad can't.

Plus, to be honest, i think that only children tend to be very spoiled. They grow up and get all the attention and don't have to share anything with anybody. If you have brothers and sisters, you learn at an earlier age that you can't have everything you want and you have to share and you learn to love and care about another person other than yourself.

In addition, i'm not sure how old you are, but i know of many women who had one child, said they were done and then when that child got to be 7,8,9 years old, they realized that they wanted another. Their little baby had grown up and they did not realize how quick the time would go...they had no more baby and now wanted another. And many of them could no longer have babies because their bodies just could not do it, or many of them could but wished they would have had them sooner so that their children would be closer in age. And they say that the remeber having more energy and it would have been so much easier to have another baby when they were still in that baby mode with the other.

I think it's great that you are really thinking about this decision and even getting advice from others! Whatever you decide i'm sure will be the right the right decision for you. If it were me, i would just let whatever happen happen, know what i mean. Not try to prevent it and not try to make it happen so much...and if it happens, then you know if was meant to be! I'm a huge beleiver in everything happens for a reason, so maybe you could do it that way and see what happens...best of luck to you and your family!!

Y.

I was raised as an only child and always wanted a sibling. I know that we always want what we don't have but even now as an adult I truly wish I had a sibling. Because I am an only child, I am extremely close to my mom because she is the one I share everything with. I wouldn't trade that for the world, but I do think about the time in my life when she is no longer with me & I don't have that immediate family connection that a sibling provides when our parents are no longer with us.
My husband & I have two girls (5 & 2) and have absolutely no regrets. I knew from the beginning that I would have at least two children so that they would have siblings. I do agree that the first two years of raising a child are difficult especially when you have an older child to care for as well. That period of time is so short lived and once they are able to play together it is priceless to experience. I wish you luck in your decision. What is meant to happen, will happen.

I have two children 19 mths apart. Right now my second is 4mths old and I do have times were I feel depressed because I don't have the time I use to for my first. I miss doing everything with her plus I feel sad for the second because I feel like she isn't getting the attention she needs either. I do wonder whether it was best for my older daughter to have a second. I do go through days where I think it wasn't but I think my prospective is because they are so close together and things are difficult right now. I think in a few years it will be great and they will be best friends. I couldn't imagine my life without my brother in it. I know no matter what happens he will be there for me. Parents don't live forever but siblings normally are there long after the parents. My brother and I are only 16 mths apart and neither of us feel regret for having to share our parents.I think it is harder on the parents (mommy guilty) then the child. My older daughter loves her sister. She wakes up and the first thing she says is "baby sister". My husband picked her up one day to take her to the doctor, when I came home with the baby, my older daughter ran pass me and yelled "baby sister where are you". I was a little sad that she didn't care to hung me. I think in the end it is better for the children to have siblings but it is hard at the beginning and you do feel guilty and doubt your choice. My neice is almost 7 yrs old and finally has a sister. All she wanted was a sister and now she is so in love and excited about her new baby sister. She looks forward to sharing her life with a sibling. I think your son will definitely go through days were he will want another sibling. Ultimately, it is up to what you can handle. I think a child is better off with a sibling but that they do good without one if that is what the parents want. Good Luck with your decision. As tough as it is and as guilty as I feel for my children I can't imgine my life without both of my girls. They make everything forthwhile. Watching them interact together is priceless.

hello! i have one 12 year old son
12,000 for private school
4,000 summer camp
3,500 tutor
7,000 sylvan
3,000 school laptop and supplies
1,000 uniforms
400 shoes
2000 medical
and i still have yet to feed him!
and the year is only half way through

Read this book - it's wonderful! Parenting an Only Child:
The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only
by Susan Newman, Ph. D. We decided to just have the one and we are so happy with our decidsion. I had decided that my husband and I could deal with the one and still have a great relationship. We came to the conclusion that another member might put us over capacity. I'm not saying this well, but read this book and it will reassure you that one child is perfect for many familys. M.

M., First I think it is awesome you are putting so much thought into this. Deciding whether to have a second (or third, etc.) child is not an easy decision. There are so many factors... seems to me you've already addressed them in your family. Except, maybe, can we financially afford it. But that's not what you're asking about here. I think trying to figure out the impact this will have on your family is very important. And, as you know, there's no right or wrong answer. We have 2 boys, ages 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. Would we have been a happy family of 3? Absolutely. As you suggested, in many ways... he'd have our undivided attention, there would have been more money for the material things, he would not have had to compete for attention (which many moms will say is irrelevant... I disagree). On the other hand, I wouldn't have my two boys. My oldest is my "smart" one, the thinker, the compassionate one. My youngest is my stressbreaker, my comedian, my laid-back goofball. I couldn't fathom life without either of them. They're very different from each other... making them best friends and worst enemies. And it will be like that for them forever, I'm sure. I thought of one thing that also may or may not matter to some parents... the "grandparent" thing. The more kids I have, the more likely I am to have lots of grandkids... a very appealing idea to me. Turns out my oldest son is special needs, and more than likely will not have children of his own. If he'd been an only child, that would be all the more heartbreaking. I sometimes tell myself (as unfair as it is to him), well at least Daniel will have kids one day. But, you know, as a mom we don't always think rationally but passionately. Then there's the "what if one of them needs a kidney or blood transfusion one day." All kinds of things to consider.
All of them leading back to that one fact that only you and your husband can answer. What do YOU want? There is no one-size-fits-all, but I think deep down we all know what would work best for us. A family of 3 is a complete family. So is a family of 12. It just matters how much love, caring, and guidance you have to give. Best of luck with your little boy and your family decisions. You've done a great job thus far... just look at your son!

Firstly, you could never hurt your son by giving him a sister or brother. Second, I'm a single mom by choice and my daughter, 16 months, is my life, however, I'd have another one in 10 SECONDS if I had a husband. I am reluctant to do it on my own b/c I work full time also and have a job that requires work on weekends (as well as M-F), but honestly, at 42 years old, I'd give my best girl a sibling in a heartbeat and think we'd all be the best we can be by being together. That being said, I am also completely content even if I never find a husband and never have another child. I think you choose to be happy with what you have in life, rather than keep searching for something that is unattainable. And multiple kids are an individual choice. I wish you great luck with your choice!

K.

My son was 2 1/2 when my next child was born. It has been nothing short of entertaining :) They laugh and play, the older one gives him kisses and tells Mommy when the younger is getting into something he shouldn't be. He gets a little upset now that Nick is crawling/almost walking because he can get his toys now, but for the most part it is a great experience for him to learn to share, be gentle to babies, have compassion when Nick gets hurt. It's so awesome. And Nick was a bit of an "accident" We weren't planning on having another at least for another few years, but I guess someone else had plans for our family! We were a bit weirded out by the fact that we would be buying diapers for 2 kids and formula and all that. But somehow it just worked itself out. Some things became less important. Some things became more important. Best of luck, Jen

Hi M.!
I have a few friends who are an only child. Some have the only child syndrome and some don't.Some wish they had siblings and some are okay with being the only child. Don't sell you and your husband short! You do have enough love for more than one child and your son will definately enjoy a sibling or two. I guess what I am trying to say is that it should be based on what you and your husband feel is right! My granddaughter Briauna was an only child for 4 years and when my daughter became pregnant and they told Briauna, she was extremely upset because she did not want to share her toys with this new child! She even asked if she could live with grandma in Florida. She said that they did not need her because the new one was coming. It was very hard on my daughter to here all of Briauna's words. I just kept telling her that it would be fine once the baby came. Well, Kelsie is now 1 year old and Briauna totally loves her little sister! She and mommy helped Kelsie learn to walk! Don't get me wrong Briauna and Kelsie fight already but they do love each other very much. Briauna loves to share the funny things that Kelsie does with me over the phone! Now, here goes my point of view! I only had two children which is my son who is 26 and mentally challenged and my daughter who is 25. I don't know if my son will have children because of his disability, therefore I will probably only have the two grandchildren that I am blessed with through my daughter. I am okay with this because it was meant to be but I do regret not having a child or two more so that I could have many grandchildren. I know it's not time for you to think about being a grandmother but I am just telling you that it is something to think about. I lovvvvve being a grandmother and will cherish the two I have. Only by the grace of God will my son have a child if it is his will. It has to be you and your husband to make the choice on if you want another child or two. Your son will be just fine either way as long as he gets all the love that he so deserves!!! It sounds to me like the two of you are very loving parents. May the Lord bless your lives richly!
Sincerely,
L. Jacobs

Hi M.,
I have four children (11,10,twins/6) and two step children ages 13 and 9.
As you can see, I didnt stop at one!!
There is alot of bickering and he said she said...but I dont regret it one bit. As a matter of fact, a few of my frineds only have one child and any time they are over, they hate to go home...it is kind of sad. Single children tend to be more selfish (no all, but that has been my experience) because they never learned that they had to share or think of others on a day to day basis.
It has to be easier and cheaper with one, but I wouldn't change my life for anything.
I was devestated to know I was pregnant again after my first daughter...that I was ripping her off of loving her and her time because I loved her sooooooooo much I couldnt imagine how I would feel about a second baby..but I love my second, third and fourth just as much as the first.

Good luck, I am sure you will do what is right for your family.
K.

Hi M.,

A good friend of mine, M., is pregnant with her second child. It is a surprise to her. Anyways, my daughter is 4 1/2 yrs old and she has been asking for a brother or sister since she was 3 yrs old. She makes up imaginary friends and siblings just so "she has someone her size to play with" (her exact quote). So, me and hubby are going for a second child. My daughter keeps asking, "Mommy, are you pregnant yet?". Also, a cousin of mine was an only child until recently, she has a 8 month old brother. She was happier than my aunt. She said she always wanted a sibling and was very lonely. She is now 13 yrs old. She loves him so much and babysits all the time, but she said she wished he was closer in age to her. I hoped my experiences helped. Also, I have always heard from many people that the best gift to give your child is another child.

I grew up an only child. I hated it! I never had anyone to play with, and it was so hard on my family as well, because I needed them to play with me constantly. I do have a baby sister, who is 7 years younger, but wasn't raised with her (she's my half-sister), so I didn't grow up with a sibling.

I have 2 boys now, 4 1/2 & 3 1/2 and never would have considered having only 1, after being through that as a child. They will fight and argue at times, but in the end, they are BEST FRIENDS. Someone who will always know everything about them, and someone they can really and truly trust. My boys are 14 months apart.

It's such a hard decision. My uncle has had just one child, who is now 10, and wishes he would have had another, but his wife was against more than 1. He does get everything he wants, but in my opinion the best thing you can give a child is a sibling - they are a playmate for life!

We are actually planning to try to conceive our 3rd this summer. I've always dreamt of having 3 or 4 kids. It's not easy, but I love it. My husband loves it. It's the best thing in the world to watch our oldest son teaching our youngest something, or reading to him, or telling him a story. There's no love like that of a brother (or sister, etc)!! =)

You still have to do what is best for your family, by all means. There are lots of people who have only 1 and are happy. I know you had asked about those who grew up an only child, and I didn't see a response from one yet. I always dreamt of having a sister or an older brother. =) Good luck! Let us know what you decide!

yes- if you and your husband truly feel you are done. can you both go around a baby, hold it, feed it, love it, then give it back to the parents, or do you feel the tug of wanting another baby?

I have only 1 sibling, but we are 11 years apart so both of our lives were completely different. He grew up with both parents scraping by to make it. I grew up spoiled. I would have loved to have a sibling that I could feel closer to.

When I became a parent I wanted to wait until my son was not a baby anymore (maybe school-aged) before I had another. My mom was always pushing me to have another because, 'who is he gonna play with?'

4 kids later......I would have more money if we stopped at one.haha. But I know that I wasn't done. I still had that tug.........I don't now.

Hi M.,

I understand your dilemma, this is always a tough debate, yet there are upsides and downsides to both. We have 2 children, the second of which we conceived while I was breastfeeding and we were in no way, shape, or form to have another...but we managed. The first year was extremely difficult as we had a very high-spirited 19 month old girl and a very needy newborn boy. There were times I cried myself to sleep feeling so hopeless from not being able to fulfill all the neediness, especially for my daughter because my son was attached to my breast every 2 hours, but then I had this incredible revelation. This was actually good for my daughter. She needed to learn that sharing mom's attention was a good thing, and she grew much more independent, which gave her more self-esteem. There was much acting out and resentment toward the new baby at first, but now, the result is an amazing bond between them and HUGE growth for my daughter. Now they are 4 and 2 1/2, and frankly, I would have it NO OTHER WAY!!! My son was the best gift I could have ever imagined...for my husband and I, and for our daughter. Yes, it was hard managing 2 at first, but with your situation, your 2 year old will be almost 3 and much more cooperative at that point. It really depends upon which road you really want to take. One child is definitely easier now, but what do you REALLY want for your family in the future? Best of luck with your decision, I hope I was able to help is some way...

M.
As a 35 year old only child, I would suggest you have another. The younger years I imagine can be difficult but there is nothing in the world like a sibling. When my parents got divorced (not saying this would happen to you), I had NO ONE. It was awful being alone. I swore when I had children that I would never have just one. You have to try and think about their whole life picture, not just the next 2 to 5 years.

Just my thoughts...P.

I at first thought that one was enough. We then had our 2nd baby 17months later. It was hard but I absolutely love to see how diffrent two people from the same set of parents can be from birth! My oldest is jealous and fascinated at the same time. She loves her baby sister and can't stand to look at her all wrapped up in one. It makes the one on one time with the older child that much more special.

Good luck...it's okay to have only one as well...there are enough people in the world!

Dear M.,

I am a mom of 3 and they are all 5 years apart, (The greatest age difference)however, I think there are upsides and downsides to both. Kids do get lonely fast and sometime we can play with our child the "way" they want us to. I know that when I had my 2nd, my 1st was very happy but happier on my 3rd. If you and your husband want another kid, then I say go for it. What I do is, I spend time w/ all and then I spend time with each of them alone so they still get there "me" time. Good luck and God bless.

well as a mom I have 2 boys 2 and 8 months... and love it, The oldest sounds a lot like yours, very sweet and loving... and he loves hih lil bro. The first few weeks were hard, but then the oldest really got used to it and started wanting to help. The lil one just LOVES his big bro and tries to do EVERYTHING he does... its really cute.

Now as a teacher, (not always) it seems to me that kids that have siblings seem to have an easier time with behavior in the classroom. Sharing and groupwork is not something strange to them. Now, this is just my opinion... so plesae no one of only children be mad at me...

My hubby and I have been married for 6 years this sunday. We have no real issues... other then a little crankiness, I am sure you have a strong relationship with hubby, so as long as you plan for this... you whould be fine, ( ours was an oops!!) but it was the best thing that could of ever happened to our family!

M.,
I am going to start by saying you have to go with your gutt or intuition.
I waited till my oldest daughter was 4 before I decided to have another child. When she was in preschool we went through the same thing. We weighed all the pros and cons on having a second child. I knew that I didn't want to wait much longer since there was already such an age gap. I wanted my kids to be able to bond and I knew the larger the gap the harder that would be. I also asked my daughter her feelings about having a baby. She was elated and demanded a girl. I know your son is too small still to comprehend, but this gets better. I finally made the desicion to have the second child. We were pregnant rather quickly and my second DAUGHTER (remember the demand for the girl) was born right before my first started kindergarten. I have never thought twice about my decision. My daughter are love each other so much it is rediculous. At first we had tension with my oldest. She even came out one night and said "you love kassie more than you love me". I knew the jeaoulsy would kick in. We reassured her that that was not the case and have never had a problem since. I make special time for each of my children so they all know that they are loved. I have since had a third daughter (yes three girls) and my second daughter, well she loves her little sister so much I have to make sure she doesn't smother her. They are 22 mos apart and get along great. If anything, I think the last baby gets sick of her sisters always trying to baby her. My second is her little mommma. She lets me know when the baby has a "stinky diaper" or when she is getting into something she shouldn't. Amazingly my 2 year old is a great helper with the baby and my oldest, well she will always be my first. I have no regrets in ever having more kids. There are days I want to pull my hair out and ask myslef what I was thinking, but then they do something really funny or silly and I remember that that is why it had more kids.

Good luck in your decision. I know it is a hard one, but whatever you decided, know that it will be the right decision. Children adapt and they do it quite well!