Is My Mom Being Rude or Am I Just Being Sensitive

It's always rude to carry on a conversation in a different language around others who aren't fluent.

rude, id tell her to stop period. its one thing if she does it when its her and you guys but NOT when his family is around because everyone wants to be involved in the conversation

yep, she's being rude....& on purpose. Call her on it...by asking her how she thinks it makes the kids feel. Don't use your MIL as the reason!

votre maman ne parlent toujours français à des enfants? si oui, alors tout va bien. si elle n'est pas - rude. dites-lui de grandir et d'être gentil.

that's what I would do. she knows you are afraid of her - as you state - deal with your mother's wrath...something you can do? oooh this might seriously piss her off....teach your mother in law french....then it won't be something your mom can be rude about!!

Yes...it's rude.
I would probably say something to my mom if she was acting that way. Maybe she'll stop--maybe not. It might go a long way with your MIL if you acknowledge the rudeness going on, right?

I think what your mother is doing is rude. My husband’s entire family is native Spanish speakers with only the most basic English skills. In the presence of my English speaking family, though, his family speaks only English or finds a translator. His family will be the first to tell you to do otherwise is rude. The conversations get a bit Spanglish at times but everyone appreciates the efforts to speak a common language for courtesy’s sake. Besides as a mother you need set the example for your children. It is discourteous to speak a non-common language in a group. The reasons are myriad ( exclusion, showing off, etc) but the bottom line is the behavior is rude.

I think that it's rude. I could see if she didn't speak any English. I would tell her that you are finding it offensive. You don't want her to think your MIL said anything.

Tell her how you feel and ask her nicely to please speak English. Otherwise don't have the two families together and tell her why. When his mom is with you don't invite yours over.

Then
Help your hubby learn by speaking to it him.

Get him Rosetta Stone, if that might help him.

YOu and he start translating everything that comes out of your mom's mouth to the children while both Grandmas are together.

Teach the children that when Grandma speaks in French to them in front of the other Grandma that they are to respond in English. Let them know it is rude.

Have them answer by repeating the question.
Voulez vous un pomme?? (my French is weak)
Oh, Would I like an apple, no thank you.

It is OK for them to see her faults.

Je pense que votre Maman est impolie. Elle sait que votre mère dans la loi ne parle pas français. Elle devrait parler l'anglais quand l'autre famille est environ. Mon français est pauvre. Je n'ai pas parlé du français dans longtemps. Je suis desolee. Bon chance avec vos famillie

It does add fuel to the fire when it is intentional. Really we are all adults and so are they. Everyone should be mature enough to spend some time together if any for the kids sake.

I say rude - it's family and while that is something special she has with your kids it is not something she needs to rub in...she gets them all the time, let your MIL spend some good time with them (drama free) when possible.

So rude. Don't let her get away with it. In fact, tell her that if she is going to continue to speak only French in front of your in-laws then you are not going to invite her over when they come to visit. Which, in itself, is not a bad idea. I'm sure your inlaws would appreciate them not being aound when they are visiting. Especially since they see them all the time and the moms don't get along.

Does your mom always speak French with the kids on a regular basis? Like it's the primary language? I guess I'm playing devil's advocate, but maybe it's just important to her to keep that language alive?

I say this b/c I am close with some neighbors from El Salvador, which of course means their primary language is Spanish. The husband and wife will speak to one another in Spanish and to their daughter in Spanish when I'm around. If they are conversing with me they will speak in English. If they are saying something as simple as do you want a Pepsi I don't care if she asked her husband that in Spanish. Now when we are all conversing together of course we all speak in English as my Spanish is NOT good. :-)

So... I guess for me it depends on the context of the situation. Of course if you feel that it is causing tension and that she is doing it to rub it in or be rude you can certainly express that to her.

My husband is the first generation born in the US - prior generations were born in Italy. My husbands grandmother and her siblings speak English however to each other they will speak Italian. That's fine but they also do it if I am in their presence - this is also if me and my husband and kids go to our house - she insists on speaking Italian to him. I sit there feeling like an idiot. I have asked my husband to at least look over to me and translate so I know what they are talking about but most times he doesn't. He's told me before - 'you'll just pick it up.' Well, if I don't know what they are talking about and have it translated I am not going to just pick it up......anyway - I feel left out of the conversation and as if they don't really want me to know what they are talking about. It leaves me feeling like really I'm the odd man out.
I feel you should tell your mother that when she's around English speaking people to at least translate what she is saying.....

I don't see it as rubbing in a special thing, but she is excluding MIL from conversation and that is rude! Your mom is perfectly capable of speaking English. It's fine for her to share the special thing when you are all alone together or with others who speak the language, but to speak in front of another person who can't understand or join the conversation is very rude, and it's teaching your kids improper manners.

It seems rude to me, especially if her English is good.

I agree with you that it's rude. You have a right to nicely explain that it feels rude to you. But you do NOT have the right to tell her to stop. You are crossing a line when you start telling your mom, who doesn't live with you or work for you, what to do. She's a grown woman and will have to reap her own in this life.

Your mother is being very rude...you need to tell her to speak English in the presence of your husband's mother/family and if she can't she won't be welcome when his family visits.

I don't know why they "hate" each other, but by deliberately speaking another language when she speaks perfect English indicates that she may be the larger cause of the problem.

How very sad for your husband and your children to have hatred instead of love in their lives between the grandparents. It's time you put your mother in check! If there is something that needs to be said to your husband's mother, he should do the same. Maybe the cost of being cut off from their grandchildren, will give them a new attitude!

Blessings....

She's being rude if she can speak perfect English and is choosing not to ONLY when your MIL is around.

You don't have to tell her not to speak French, but you can tell her that she's setting a bad example to her grandbabies by being rude. If she wants to speak French to teach them, she must speak it and then translate to English. It'll give her an "out" cause she can explain the change in behavior as "helping to teach" her grandbabies and Son-in-law - a little less embarrassing for her.

I think whether she's being rude or not depends on her intention. Does she typically only speak french with your kids in every other situation? If so, I don't think she should switch to speaking english with them when your MIL is around.

I've had two different families in my daycare where the mothers only spoke french and italian to their children. They were both bilingual. I didn't find it offensive at all when they came for pick up and spoke to her children only in french/italian. It's good for kids to practice every day conversations in another language as often as possible when they are learning, especially when they are otherwise immersed in an american/english speaking culture.

On the other hand, if your mother insists on speaking to you only in french in front of your MIL I would consider that rude.

Personally, I do feel it is rude..... her English is quite good, and she is doing this just to exclude your in-laws from any conversation she is having with her grandkids.

How would she feel if one side of her family was speaking only Spanish in her presence? You might try to bring it up that way......

In front of the in-laws is rude. She can speak French to the kids anytime since she lives so close. She doesn't need to do it when the in-laws are around. Be honest with her and tell her it bothers YOU. Don't say a word about it possibly offending them since she doesn't like them in the first place.

I think you should tell her its rude. I hate it when I go to my hairdresser and he and his wife speak to each other in Vietnamese - I always think they're talking about me! And I don't think she does it to rub to your MIL wrong, I think she does it to be rude and so your MIL won't feel included. I think it is very wrong and I would tell her if she does it again, she will not be invited over when MIL is there.

you're right, she's being rude. whether she is trying to rub in her "special thing" or not (sounds like she is, to me) it's still rude. and i imagine it's deliberate. she pulls childish games like this, you're afraid to mention it to her...yeah. i think she's out of line. she sounds like a handful. it would probably be beneficial for you to stand up to her, especially around your MIL.

.

Ignore it. You can't change it.
You speak English while you are there with your MIL... That's as good as it is going to get.
LBC

My MIL speaks Italian with my son and I don't mind.. I think it's great that he has learned another language. In the case of my MIL, her generation prides itself on carrying on traditions and being proud of who you are. Therefore, I have no problem with it.... Also, as she used to tell me.. "better you learn Italian" she was joking of course.. but in retrospect.. why not learn another language.
try not to personalize it...

Well, if she is trying to be rude, then that is wrong. But, without being in the situation, it seems like it just might be natural for her to speak to them in French. My in-laws are Russian, and speak Russian to the kids all the time, even while English-only adults are present ... and I'm happy about that! My kids are bilingual, and I want them to have as much exposure to Russian, their weaker language, as possible. I don't think its ever crossed anyone's mind in my family that they are doing it to rub in something special. They speak Russian both to help the kids learn and because they are most comfortable with Russian (though they do speak English well).

If your Mom... is a spiteful ill intentioned and bad attitude person.... then yes, it is very... rude.

But if your Mom is just a forgetful absent minded clueless dense woman, then she can't help it.

Then, your Mom and MIL don't get along.

My other question is: is French, your native language and culture???? If so, then it is hard, to completely change a cultural ethos in a person. Even if they have lived here for years.

Then, perhaps... your Mom is nicely intentioned and she just wants to nurture the language with your children, hence she speaks to them in French.... at anytime and any place. Or is she just being stuck up about it? Which one... is your Mom's general attitude????
Once you know that, then you can conclude whether or not your Mom is doing it out of spite, or just being socially dense.

Now per my home and family: My Husband, is from Europe and my kids are bi-lingual in his Native language and mine (which is English). They were raised since birth... with BOTH languages. It is the norm... in MY family. And many families here in Hawaii, are from many cultures and have many different native languages within the same home. And this is the norm. AND they speak it, anytime anyplace. And it is the NORM. And no one gets offended, because we have MANY different languages here and cultures. It is the norm.
Now... in my home, my Husband speaks his native language to my kids. I am not so fluent in his language but he will translate to me, no problem. AND he will also do so, with my Mom who lives with us and does not know his language. My kids... are just as fluent as he is in both languages. AND all of our friends and relatives... KNOW THAT. And, they will speak both languages, amongst our friends and relatives. NO ONE gets offended by it. And my husband/kids will translate if asked. They do not speak the other language, to be rude or spiteful or stuck up or to prove anything. It is just.... a natural manner in which they speak. They are not trying to rub it in people's faces. They are just, bilingual. But.. my Husband speaks to my kids in his language... so that they practice it and know his language too.

When my Husband and kids are speaking his native tongue, I don't feel it is rude. Most people, even our relatives, find it very fortunate... that my kids are bilingual and they ask questions about it too... because they are culturally curious.
And they find it so neat... that my Husband speaks the language he does. They wish they could speak it too.

The problem in your family seems to be, not the languages.... but that, your Mom and MIL do not get along. And they don't want to get along.
They do not like each other. Or they are trying to one-up each other and with the kids.

In my family... the fact that my household is bilingual and that my Husband speaks another language and my kids as well... it is not... trying to have a "special thing" with the kids. It is just the way... they are raised. To be, dual lingual. And my kids are. It does not make one person better than the other. And myself, I am not forced to learn the other language nor is it a big deal if I do or not. Nor does my Husband tell me I have to learn his language. We just respect each other's language and culture. And that is the way we raise our kids. It may irk my Mother In Law, that I am not an expert in "her" language, since I am married to her Son. But so what. My Husband does not have a problem with it.

You said your Mom and MIL "hate each other."
So to me, that is the problem.

In my household, there is NEVER only 1 language spoken. And my kids also speak other languages. But those languages are not as fluent. And we all speak the languages in a normal flow everyday. As does, many people here in Hawaii. So many people here are of other languages and cultures. So it is not a big deal.... if/when my kids or Husband speak another language in front of others or just to my kids.

I think the problem with your Mom and MIL... is that, when your Mom speaks French to your kids in front of your MIL.... you feel caught in the middle and made to be... the awkward one in the middle. Because of their existing hatred for each other. And maybe it is embarrassing to you that your Mom speaks French to your kids, in front of your In Laws. But really.... if your Mom is a native speaker and that is her cultural background... and she is speaking to your kids in French... this is a natural impulse.
But sure, tell your Mom since it bothers you... and she seems a bit pugnacious.... since you said she does not take well to being told what to do. But.... rudeness is rudeness. And if you only want her to speak French when you are there and not the in laws, then say so.
But... can she speak French to your kids or you.... in front of your Husband as well??? And is that okay or not?
The difference here is: the problem is with your Mom and in laws. Unless your Husband gets irked by it too. Does HE get irked... by your Mom speaking French to your kids and in front of him???
Or is there a RESPECT... for BOTH languages, by the family???

My In Laws by the way, do NOT know any English. I don't make them learn it. They have their language, I have mine. And with my own family, we are a bilingual family. It just is. And our friends, several of them are bilingual and multilingual as well. When they speak their language in front of me or with my kids, I don't feel it is rude. They are not trying to be, rude. They are just happy to speak to others in their language. And my kids are able to. So it is great for them.

When it is just you, your mom,and your kids does your mom strictly speak French with your kids? If so than I would say it is habit.

If she does a mix does she speak French situationally with them? Is she picking more situations than normal? If so than I would probably have a talk with her ahead of time asking her to stick with English when your MIL is around. Maybe give her a gentle reminder the first time she slips up. The second time I'd probably be more inclined to call her out on it in front of the MIL. Hopefully that will stop it.

In the interim could you loosely translate for your MIL like 'Oh she just asked them if we should have chicken or hamburgers for lunch...' Then it wouldn't appear as scandalous to your MIL.

My initial feeling is that you are correct and she's doing it do be spiteful. If that is the case then it is extremely rude and needs to be addressed. However, perhaps you could suss out what your mom's motivation is. In conversation say, "Hey, I've noticed when MIL is around kiddos when you are you only speak French to them. Have you noticed you do that and if so, why?" Her answer should quickly shed light on her motivations and then you know how to proceed. Hopefully she doesn't know she's doing it but I fear it is on purpose in which case I wish you the best of luck. Moms are wonderful but they don't always take it well when we daughters point out their shortcomings. :-)

You might be a little sensitive. Fact is, she does have something special with the kids and as long as your in-law is not exclude in group activities, it's ok. Speak the same language at dinner or other family activities. Say something like, 'mil may not understand what's going on" or ask your kids to translate for her o keep mil involved.
I speak mostly Spanish and my mil speaks mostly Chinese. Wish she spoke to my son in Chinese more! The benefits of multi lingual homes are astounding. Breathe deep and let be...

I think, regardless of how your mother and MIL feel about each other, what your mother is doing is just plain rude. Instead of being rude, she should show at least a little bit of respect for others, even if she doesn't like them/her. Better yet, make sure that those rare occasions when they're in the same room don't even occur! Good luck.

Not just rude, but mean.

Yes!!! So very rude!! I sooo know how that feels accept its Spanish, not french. My husbands family is from Mexico and we were are all together I feel so left out when the ones that do speak english don't. So incredibly rude! I would not have a problem telling my mom its rude and she needs ti give you the respect and speak english. Tell her. She gets mad oh well! If she's doing it in purpose she's not gonna stop anyways but at least you said what you needed to! Good luck love!

She is being rude, I would ask her to stop

Absolutely 100% rude.

Tell your kids to only speak English when both your Mother and MIL are visiting. That should help. Also, talk to your Mom and ask her how she would feel if she were in MILs shoes. It also isn't setting a good example for your kids either.

That being said, I know how it feels to be left out. My MIL and FIL speak Chinese. Yes, they have lived in this country for at least 50 years and are not fluent in English -- though, they should be....but whenever we are with them DH and them start blabbering away in Chinese. Honestly, in their situation I think it easier for them to communicate...but it does irritate me and I also think it is lazy. I've got the art of busying myself or removing myself from the room when they come visit or if we go to their house. Ugh. TG for iphones with data plans....

Yeah, I think your mom is being rude. Is she doing it to intentionally rub it in your MIL's face, who knows. Maybe it's more out of habit than anything. But I do think it's poor etiquette in general, for people to speak a language that only *they* know when they're in the company of a majority who don't speak that language.

At my last work there was a woman who spoke French and would speak it to her son non stop at our work parties and get togethers. She and her son were the only one who understood French at all....and she spoke English perfectly....better than her French, she once told me! I always thought it was annoying. Like she was showing off or something. And excluding the rest of us. I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

As to whether or not to talk with her about it, I'm not sure what to tell you. Your mom sounds like my mom. i.e. no matter how gently and respectfully you put it she will get super self righteous and upset. Ugh. But if it bothers you enough, bring it up. Just don't let the conversation get heated. That's where I always get into trouble with my mom......

Good luck!

When we have to tell someone, like our Mothers, something they don't want to hear, I find it useful to refer to another person who is an expert on the topic. It's like when the wife suggests an idea and the husband ignores it but when the neighbor suggests the same remedy, he's a genius! See if you can google the topic and see if an expert like Miss Manners or Ann Landers ever wrote about speaking a foreign language in front of others. Then you can say, "Mom, I was reading about this and Ann Landers says it's really rude. Did you know that?" I find it much more difficult for her to put up a fight if someone credible says it. Otherwise, she just enjoys disagreeing with me which is pointless.