Is It Not Possible to Be a Parent and a Friend?

Playing with your kids is one thing. Calling your 3 year old your best friend is completely different.

Hanging out with your kids, playing with them, and spending time with them and enjoying your children isn't being their friend, it's being a playful and involved parent.

Being your child's friend, in the sense that isn't healthy, is when you treat them like a peer and they treat you like a peer. That's where things go wrong. Parents and kids need relationships with their own peers, with people who are at the same stages in life as they are, who they can trust, bounce ideas off of, confide in and with whom they can grow together. Issues happen when parents act like a friend to their child (conspire with them against another parent or authority figure, are afraid to discipline their child out of fear that the child won't like them, think that being the "cool" or "fun" parent is more important than being an adult, etc.) or when parents try to make their children their friends - telling them more than they should know about adult things, confiding in them, putting too much emotional responsibility on them, etc.

Playing with your kids and being friendly is all good and well.
But you are not peers.
They probably wouldn't discuss sticking gum underneath their chair at school with you like they'd talk to their friends about it and you wouldn't be discussing your menstrual issues with your kids like you would your girlfriends.
To be real friends there needs to be a certain amount of equality in both parties and the age/experience difference between you and your kids make that sort of equality pretty impossible for a very long time.
You have power over your kids that your kids do not - should not - have over you - you have awesome power and responsibility (thank you Spiderman) - that kids just can NOT understand often until they are parents themselves.
MAYBE when your kids are adults you might have a more adult relationship with them and can be closer on a more adult level.
Until then - you might be very close and loving and friendly - but you're not really 'friends' with your kids and trying to be friends with them on their level is a serious disservice to them.

It is great for you to spend time with your kids. Playing Barbie dolls, video games, watching movies, etc., are all great things to do with them, and you are right, it is important for you to be aware of what they are doing and wha they are watching or seeing in a video game or on-line.

"I don't really care for my children being off in the rooms by themselves to much." If my kids were never able to play in another room by themselves, I'd never get dinner together! But seriously, they do need alone time, too. They need to be able to read or color or pretend play alone. It's ok for them to watch a movie without you. It can be a movie they've already seen. Can't tell you how many times my kids have rewatched movies.

They need their alone time, and so do you. They need it, in part, so that they learn to follow the rules, even when you're not looking. It's also important for them to resolve some things on their own - resolve a conflict, cleanup a spill, etc. They need to know how to entertain themselves. It's great to do things together, but they need to be able to entertain themselves without relying on you. It's fine to say, "Go play," or "Go outside," and just leave it at that. They should be able to find something to do.

The things that you're doing with them are great. You just need to make sure they have plenty of experience doing these things without you.

That's not being a friend, that's being a parent. You want to have a relationship with them that is loving. I spend tons of time with my son after work, and we wrestle and tickle. But he isn't my "friend". He's my child, he's the mini-love of my life. BUT, I don't think he's my "best friend". It's not the same thing. ADULTS are your friends. It's a different relationship.

You want the openness of communication that you have with a friend (within reason) with your children, but it's your job to be a parent and to show them how the world works so they can live in it independently as you grow up. You wouldn't do that to a friend (though you might model behavior or be an ear for a friend), but you aren't RESPONSIBLE for showing them the way.

I think you can be silly and fun as a parent while still maintaining a parental, authoritative manner.

A friend is a peer. A parent is one who provides guidance.

In my birthing group, we were asked to write a letter to our unborn child. In it, I do remember specifically saying "I love you, and I will not be your friend. Because you will have friends your own age, you will make friends; I'm going to be your mom because I'm the only person who can do that for you."

Another quote I love is from the old show Bewitched, when Samantha tells daughter Tabitha "Mommies sometimes say no, and that means 'I love you' ".

The other reason I do not view my relationship with my son (an only child) as a friendship is that while I enjoy younger people in general, I get my intellectual and emotional needs met from *adults* in my life, not children. For example, my son having a tantrum or being mad at me makes far less of an impression on my day than if my girlfriend called to say I'd hurt her feelings. We take care of our friends' feelings differently. I may be more inclined with a friend to consider "what do they want to do?" than with my child, whereas it's my job to consider "what does he need in this moment?" With friends, we can focus more on indulging their 'wants' and with children, it's about assessing needs.

Moveover, with our children, they NEED us for guidance and discipline fairly often. We are responsible for their well-being in ways we are not-- and should not-- be for our friends. Thus, this puts us in a position of authority. Who wants to be friends with the person who is in an authoritative position over them? My best friendships--including my best friendship to my husband-- is one where we consider each other equals. We might suggest things to each other, but neither of us is in a position of power OVER the other. With children, we can play and be silly, but still are meant to be the one who is tasked with saying "enough" when the time comes.

I have found that many of the parents I know who want to be 'friends' with their children often have very poor boundaries, both regarding behavior allowed and in what they share with their kids. Best Friend Parents both excuse behaviors which should be addressed directly (they don't like their 'friend' to be hurt or upset or in trouble and may sabotage life's lessons which happen naturally or avoid their child experiencing natural consequences); concurrently, the child is often expected to be more of an emotional caretaker to the adult and provide validation for the parent. Without going into great detail, we did experience this with my own mother when my sister and I were growing up. She needed to talk to a counselor, not her kids, about her fears and issues and her relentless need for outside validation. It was in wanting us to *care for her* that she pursued those 'friend' moments with us and I still see other 'friend' parents doing this with their youngsters, telling them more than they ever need know about things which do not pertain directly to them. It is often emotionally abusive and, in my opinion, is very selfish of the parent. Kids need us to care for them, not the other way around.

Lastly, no, I don't think it's better in the long run to be a friend to your kids. Mature adults will know that we are different with our friends, rely on them in ways we should not rely on children. Our job is to BE THERE for our kids, to help them sort out their world and make sense of it; to be a wall for them to push against during their turbulent adolescent and teen years and to put our parenting and values in that regard first and foremost. (As Bruno Bettelheim said, if we decide not to be that wall, to acquiesce to what our kids want, that wall crumbles and our children fall, having nothing to push *against*,which is their job during adolescence--- we fail them when we do what *They* want, feeling that is better than conflict.)

And frankly, is it truly friendship when your sassymouthed teen is mad at us for not letting them stay out? Do your friends talk to you like that? Mine don't. Perhaps its maturity, but at 43 now, I'd NEVER have a friend who spoke to me like a teen might. So, yes, you can be fun so long as "fun" doesn't regularly override your own rules and what you know is right as a parent in terms of their long-term development.

You just don't understand what "being friends" means. "Being friends" means that you blur the lines between being an effectual parent, and the one who lets their child rule the roost. Parents who are "friends" have trouble standing firm in consistent discipline. They also coddle and don't let their children learn by natural consequence.

I do wish you'd read some books about child development and parenting.

Sure you can have fun and be silly with your kids. But referring to a three year old as your best friend is strange and inappropriate. Kids need parents to be parents first. They need to know you are in charge, that they can trust you set boundaries and limits and keep them safe. If you act like a playmate all the time that's how they will see you, and they won't respect you anymore than they would any other kid in the house.
You will become friends with your children (hopefully) once they grow up and have a life of their own, once they are less dependent on you for direction and discipline.
ETA: they also need to play on their own most of the time, that's how they learn and grow and build independence! How could they get their hands on anything inappropriate unless you're bringing it in the house? Create a safe environment and let them play.

Of course you should play with your kids. And I agree you should know what the content is in the movies they are watching so you can discuss anything that comes up that might be in appropriate.

Yes, you can do these things and still be a parent who enforces rules.

To me, a friend is someone who doesn't make or enforce rules. So no, you are not your child's friend.

What you said is "I get frustrated when I can't take my best friend with me...I can't even take her out of the house with me. She misbehaves in public". She's acting like a heathen in public because she's out with her friends and not out with her parent.

You said "refuses to listen to what I ask her to do". That's because she's 3 and not supposed to be able to clean her own room and pick up after herself to some degree. But it's also because she'd rather play with you than mind.

You also said "She is my heart...My kids are my world"

You basically sound like you can't let them be kids and play and have fun while you're not in the middle of it all playing with them.

Don't you have a husband? Doesn't he want you to do stuff in the house during the day? As much as I hate to say that it's your job to take care of the house, because it doesn't all fall on you, but if you do actually play all day with your kids then who's in charge? Who gets the kids to do anything at all? Certainly not their playmate.

My friend went through a nasty divorce a couple of years ago. He won full custody because he showed pictures of the house. It was cluttered and dirty. It was all the kids mess. She sat all day on her hiney watching TV and movies with the kids and playing games with them and reading books with them. Taking them to the park so they could play on the swings and climb on the jungle gym. She lived her life for her kids.

Now she's going to school full time so she can get a better paying job PLUS she works a minimum wage job so she can pay her child support and alimony. He makes well over $100K per year. He got alimony...of all the stupid trends going on now.

So again, you're kids are not your life. Your kids are your children. And it's okay to love them like you do. It's okay to give up stuff for them. It's okay to be in there with them sometimes to watch a movie IF IF IF everything is done that needs to be done.

A.. What you're describing isn't good parenting. It's living like you're a little kid. That's why your kids don't see you as a parent figure. You're their peer. When they get a little older they are NOT going to want to hang out with you, they're going to want to go play with their friends and not be around you. What are you going to do then? Your "best friends" will be gone and you'll be at home alone and sad.

Your kids need a parent that loves them and helps them grow up to be independent and not co-dependent like their mom.

You are a married woman, a mother, a friend, a neighbor, and so much more. But from your posts it sounds like you sit around all day playing with your kids and don't have ANY life other than what they want to do or have on their mind.

You are the parent and not their playmate. That is part of being a mature adult.

Please find some parenting classes where you can learn the distinction. It's okay to spend time with your kids. It's okay to have a fun loving relationship with them. BUT YOU also need adult time away from them and with your hubby and with your own friends. It's time to learn some ways to do that.

Being a parent. not a friend doesn't mean that you have to always play the cop and never get to have any fun with your kids. It just means that you have the backbone to say "No" and make it stick when an unequivocal "No" is the only appropriate answer. It means that you impose consequences for negative behavior and enforce them even when the child is screaming, "I hate you" for it.
Friendship is a relationship between equals. Parents and minor children are NOT equals. Once your kids are grown and functioning in the real world as responsible adults, THEN you can relate to them as equals.

Playing with them is different than "being their friend" instead of their parent. There is a whole mindset that involves needing to be "liked" and not wanting your kid mad at you.... Just like in a friendship. In my opinion, those are not healthy relationships to have with your kids. At least not until they are grown into adults.

No. It isn't. It is possible to play with and bond with and interact with but you don't become a friend to them until they are adults and able to make decisions and accept consequences of same on there own. I have been reading all your posts for the past several days. You sound very young. Not a criticism just an observation. You have 3 children. the youngest is a girl and it sounds like you are trying to treat them as playmates on one hand while expecting them to also be adult enough to follow directions. It is good that they be silly with you. It is not ok that they don't or might not know when your serious and when your playing. at 3 your daughter is just barely past being a baby. 3 is very normal age to have tantrums when not getting her way. you as a parent need to say a firm no and put here in a safe spot. a time out chair, her bed etc. saying clean up a room is not adequate directions for a 3 year old. you have to say put the toys in the box, put the dirty shirt in the hamper, put your plate on the table etc. she needs to see you model being the adult. Not see you constantly playing. You will create very needy children if you play with them and entertain them all day long. I wish you luck on the journey of parenthood. You don't say where is theie father during all of this? Do you have help in the parent role?

Playing with your kids and spending time with them *is* being a parent. It's not being their friend.

When people say they want to be their kid's friend, it usually they don't want to handle the responsibilities of parenting. They don't want to make rules, worry about discipline, or deal with serious issues. They just want to be the "fun or cool mom/dad" that their kid never gets upset with.

Not totally sure of your question I guess. Usually when the comment is made about being a parent and not a friend is when kids are a little older. Parents are supposed to lead and guide their children to help them know how to make good decisions.

Parents are also supposed to spend time with and play with their children, especially when they are younger. My DD is 12 and we sti hang out, play and have a good time but I am always in the role of mom.

Stahp!

Are you depressed?

You won't let your children entertain themselves without you? Seriously? Good luck with that! It's kind of a life skill you are robbing them of with your neediness.

Plus, you're posting question after question - some of us do spend a lot of time here, but seriously? You just sound lonely and depressed. You need a hobby.

eta- I'm calling troll. How did your 18 month old boy in May of 2013 become your 3 year old girl in June of 2014? Really? Please, get a hobby that doesn't involve trolling boards.

You need to get into parenting classes so that you learn the difference between parent and friend.

Having children makes you a parent and not a friend. You have to protect, provide and teach them how to be good people with social skills and the ability to cope with rejection. You can play with them and be silly and teach and have fun. But you as an adult need time to manage and run a home and that does not mean being in the middle of everything they do. Have a play area in the house that is safe and you can see and hear in and know what is going on.

My children did not become friend with me until they were grown and moved out on their own. In high school my daughter told me I was her best friend. I responded back with amazement and surprise. I even said to her that I thought another friend was her best friend and she told me no. I feel and felt very honored to have that title from her as it is not something I take lightly. As a young child I lost my mom to sickness and wanted or hoped to have a daughter one day and I do.

Also I did not live my life through my children. In fact I told them that I would not make them do things I wanted as it was a child. I would support their interests to the best of my ability but it was their life to make or break.

My children are my life but my life is not my children. I have too many other things I want to do to be so tied up in what my kids do that I get lost in who I am as an adult. They are a part of my life but I also like to travel, cook, sew, garden, write poetry, paint, meet with friends, and just veg out.

You are at the AF Academy, there is so much to do up there. There are spousal groups, rock climbing, crafters, colleges/universities to seek out. Time you put the kids in day care and looked out for you for a full balance in your life. I say this to you as my son lives in the area and spent four years in the Army at Fort Carson. So I do know the area.

Know that one day your children will grow up and move out and leave you behind. What are you going to do when that happens be a lost person or one that is capable of living a full and happy life on her own and enjoying what she wants to do? Kids are with is for a short time and then they are gone or should be. What and where is your husband in all this? Is he an instructor or active duty or what? This might help us in answering any other questions you have.

the other S.
Retired Military Wife

PS I like Barbie dolls in their place, I like trains and model cars, I their place. I like to play dress up and tea parties and construction in their place. But I also like my time to be me the adult. I now enjoy my grandson 17 and my neighbors' kids at 1 year to 8 years old.

Sure we can play with our kids, take them places and enjoy the person that they are. But a typical friendship is a democracy of sorts - where a parent child relationship is not. We parents are the boss. We need to have a relationshipi with our kids - so that they don't rebel under the house rules - but we must be the boss. Kids need to know there are guidelines and rules becuase it's terrifying for them to be the ones needing to set the rules. how wonderful that their parents are there to be that person. But - we can still enjoy their company and do fun things with them. (There has to be some payback on all the work of parenting!)

Being a parent doesn't exclude playing with and having fun with your children appropriately. Being a friend, however, excludes being a parent. As a friend you don't discipline. As a friend you would make suggestions but you wouldn't teach someone how to behave.

Being a parent means you take responsibility for teaching, guiding, and disciplining your children while being kind, joining in at times, and having fun. Being a friend means you have no responsibility for the other person. Being a friend and being friendly are two different things. You can be a friendly parent you cannot be a friend and a parent.

You think you are acting as their "friend" when you are playing with them or watching a movie, but your above description is the description of a parent. You are parenting them by monitoring that "the stuff they are getting in to is appropriate."

If you were their "friend," you wouldn't care like that. So, no I think you are their parent and that, as their parent, you enjoy spending time with them. If they were to get out of control or get into something you consider inappropriate, you would guide them as their parent, not okie dokie it like a friend.

Playing and being silly with your kids isn't the same thing as being their friend. No, you can't be both until your kids are adults, and even then it will not be a typical "friend" relationship. You CAN be a fun, silly, loving, guiding, and stable PARENT for them. It warms my heart to make my 3 year old laugh and hear him tell me I'm funny. But he knows that I'm still his Mommy, and he needs to listen and learn from me. Being a parent doesn't mean you are always the strict disciplinarian, of course you should play with and have fun with them. You have gotten the same answers on each of your questions here, spend quality time with your kids. If your friend were messy, would you teach them how to clean their room? Probably not. Should you help you children learn to clean and take care of themselves and their things? Of course. Per the dictionary:

Friend (noun): a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Focus on the part that says it excludes family relations.

I have a blast with my kids. We enjoy the same stuff, laugh, play around and have a lot of fun together.

There is never a moment that they don't know that I am in charge, that I have their back in tough times or that I will lay down the law if necessary.

Don't confuse good times with your children with being their friend. I am always a parent first and my girls seem to like it that way. They have plenty of friends but only one Mom.

Of course you can be both, but I would call it a "good companion" rather than a friend. As long as you maintain the parental role and don't allow inappropriate behavior to slide, as a friend at times would, then you don't run the risk of your children seeing you as an equal and losing respect for you as an authority figure. It sounds to me like you've got the perfect balance of both.

ooh man....

No. You need to PARENT your children. You can be their friend later. NOW?? you need to model the behavior you want and guide, protect and nurture your children.

You are their PARENT, it's your right to know what they are doing as you are responsible for them!

Being a parent doesn't mean BORING...you can have fun with them...but your job is to make them PRODUCTIVE and RESPONSIBLE citizens...TEACH them...GUIDE THEM....

Playing with your children is not the same thing as being a friend. A parent is SUPPOSED to play with her child. Playing with your child is good.

However, do not confuse playing with your child with being her friend. ALWAYS think of yourself as your children's mother, not their friend.

Of course it's good to play and be silly. And yes, it's better in the long run. And it's also important to listen to your children. But a mother's job is to guide her children, and that also involves discipline, which you won't be able to do as a friend. And the older your daughter and your sons get, the more you are going to need to be able to be in the mother role. If you can't be a mother vs. a friend when she's a teen, it will be a nightmare. And plus, you won't believe it, but when she's a teen, she won't want to be hanging out with you.

Just stop thinking of yourself as her friend.