Being a Child's Friend vs a Parent. All or Nothing?

You can be both. Problem is, many are not able to balance the two. They try to be friends so the child will like them and forget that as a parent, they aren't going to like you all the time. You can do fun things and be friendly but being a parent has to come first. If someone can't be both, they HAVE to be the parent.

I'm with you, Katrina. It's not an "either/or" choice. I was a consistent, authoritative parent with my daughter. And I valued her as a friend and companion, too.

She was a great kid, and I think at least some of that was because we had a rich relationship. We both have wonderful memories of her childhood. In fact, when she decided to get pregnant, she told me "I want to be to my own child what you were to me!"

I'm happy that both my daughter and son-in-law expect their son to abide by clear rules, AND take time to just hang out with him. They really enjoy each other as a family!

I disagree. You (general you) may be polite and fun with your children, but you are not their friend. A friend is someone you get into trouble with, someone you stay up all night eating ice cream and gossiping about boys with. A friend is your EQUAL. A friend can't send you to time-out or ground you.

I don't think you CAN be a true friend and a true parent at the same time. You can be a "cool" parent, but not a friend. To be their friend you have to give your child equal footing as yourself, thus negating the parenting aspect. Once your kids are grown adults and you ARE equals, then you can be friends.....but no adult can actually be friends with a child.

I will always be my child's parent first and foremost. That is who she needs. Having her end up my friend as an adult.. is icing on the cake..

Children thrive on expectations, guidance, rules and schedules. They become their own person with love. You prove your love by being their parent.

Here's what I think that statement means: As a parent you have to make unpopular decisions. You have to be dictatorial sometimes. You can't always parent by committee and you can't have a child who is happy with you 100% of the time. My children are all grown and I am friends with all of them. When they were growing up, we got a lot of comments about how much we seem to enjoy each other's company. It was true. I liked them and they liked me. We had a lot of fun together. But there were times that I was not so popular - I was a parent *first*. The day I told my son he could not miss school to see the first showing of Star Wars, he was really, really angry with me. If he were my friend and not my child, I would have said, "Sure! Go to the movie! School will be there tomorrow!" But as a parent, I knew that it wasn't the day of school that was the issue. It was the message that I was sending about the importance of an education. I could go on forever with examples, but I don't think the implication of that statement is that your children should hate you. I think it's that your first priority should be to be a parent.

ETA - I also agree that there are things you would tell your friend that you would never tell your child - or at least you shouldn't.

I agree with everything Leslie said especially when kids are young. Honestly, I don't really understand parents with grown kids saying that they are their 'best friend' either.

My dad is my dad. He's a great guy, but he's my dad. My mom, while I definitely at this point am able to consider her a friend (I'm 34 years old), is not, nor will she ever be my best friend.

My closest friends are, like Leslie said, the women I grew up with, chatted all night with, ate ice cream right out of the container, talked about boys, etc., etc., etc. While I can spend an hour at least on the phone with my mom & most weekdays we email back & forth all day, she's still not my best friend.

Being a parent demands respect & authority. Yes, I respect my friends, but in a totally different way. I respect them as my equal, not as authority figures.

As most said, a parent is someone who makes unpopular decisions. A friend doesn't. As a parent, it is my job to guide my children around life's many obstacles. My dad once said "this is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship. I'm the dictator and you are the dictatee" and he was right. We not rule by committee. I'm the parent and I know what should or shouldn't be done and what type of behavior is acceptable to our family. The job of a parent is to civilize the child and to help them become productive members of society.

My daughter said something to me a while back. She said "thank you for being my mom and not a friend". I asked her and she said that some of her friends mom's would try to be like them, act like them. Allow boys over, alcohol. She was allowed to have boys over but it was always supervised. When a group of kids came to our house and went in the pool my husband and I would go outside and yell "hand check"! Everyone had to put their hands in the air. Embarassing? Perhaps, but it was my responsibility that those kids were safe. My kids love spending time with us which is cool. I enjoy them as well. They are neat young adults.

I think people say that, because it can be very difficult (for some or many) to not cross the line into friend territory, more then is healthy. Why? Because, being their friend is more fun. It's simply more enjoyable and can feel a lot more like bonding. When that happens, I think the child begins to loose respect for the parent. I think the real problems begin when the child gets older, into tween and teens. I think you technically can be "both," but I also think it's VERY hard to evenly remain both. I have not personally met any parents, who did not end up becoming more friends then parents eventually. And, that's just never a good situation. My parents told me, they decided they would be my friend when I was 18. They felt like the lines could be blurred and crossed too easily when I was younger. I'm not saying you can't do this well! I simply don't know you, and what kind of discipline and resistant you have! I do tend to think, it's very hard for most people.

I agree with what you said about defining the word friend. It makes a huge difference depending on how you see it!
For me, I consider a friend to be a peer, an equal, someone with whom I can share personal thoughts, feelings and frustrations, and they can do the same with me.
I don't WANT to share that part of myself with my children, I simply want to be their mother. I want to love them and guide them and support them. But I do NOT want to be embroiled in their personal, private lives. That's what their peers are for.
Yes, I want to be close, and yes, they know I am always here for them to talk and share. But I also want them to have a certain amount of space, some freedom to figure out the world. If I tried to be their friend I think they would feel I was being overbearing, and I just don't want to be that way.

Friendship can be a burden, especially between parents and children. I have women in my own family who have had a terrible time letting their kids "go" because they (the women) are so dependent on their children for friendship and companionship. The poor kids (full grown!) are left feeling guilty about just trying to move on and have families of their own.

That's my take on it :)

I feel like there is a very fine line between being your child's friend/parent, and that line is different for everybody. I think that's why it's a common complaint (and I agree with you, it IS common)... You have to earn your child's trust (be their friend), but you also have to have some guidelines in regards to respect as a parent, the rule maker, as well. I have no opinion one way or the other, to each their own, I just think it's a common complaint because that fine line is different for everyone :)

I guess what I am getting out of the friend part is a popularity contest of sorts when you hang out and have fun. There is a time and place for everything thing; however, when a child is young you are not a friend you are the parent. A child is born and knows nothing and has to be taught. Yes they know how to cry and get you to take care of their immediate needs by instinct. As their world grows with them you have to be there to guide them firmly and protect them. Yes you must leave room for errors and falling down so that they will learn. The tween/teen years are the hardest as they are separating from the family unit and trying to find their own identity -- personality clashes, emotional outbursts, drama and the like occur and we as parents have to understand that they are trying to flex their wings to leave the nest.

Some children are easier to guide than others and you have to teach each one separately and what works for one will not always work for another.

After the age of 18 or so you can begin to blur the line of parent and friend. However, there will always be a line no matter how small as to who is whom. Best friend or good acquaintance as a parent is nice and you can still learn from each other. There are times today that both my kids call and ask questions I would not have thought to ask but I do give them the best answer possible without judgement and without opinion.

I always told mine that if I didn't love you I wouldn't care what you did and if you went out in the road in front of the car I would not be chasing after you to save you as it wouldn't matter. I have always told my kids that I love them and still do. So please tell your kids that because many don't get to hear that from their parents and give them a hug for me.

The other S.

I ask: "Who is the parent, who is the child?"
Child answer: "You are the parent, I am the child" Which means there is a lot in the world that I have to learn before I fly off on my own.

It's a fine line. I think that most people see the "being your child's friend" as not having any boundaries, and just letting your kids do whatever. I had friends in high school whose parents would go and buy keg's for their birthday parties, smoked pot with them, and my friend even put a hit of acid on her moms tongue without her knowing what it was. She told her mom to open her mouth - her mom did and now she's fryin'......that is what I think of when people refer to being the child's friend instead of their parent. Seems to me what you are talking about is treating your kids with respect while parenting. You have a mutual respect for each other. Doesn't mean that you can't have fun with your kids. Friends do not "discipline" each other, I guess that is what I describe as being your childs's friend vs. being a parent.

Haven't read other responses. I agree with what you're saying, though I'm not sure if I think "friend" is the right word. Well, I think it is, just more like I was friends with some of my teachers, etc, but they weren't my friends like my friends were...you know? Many people think you either have to be very strict and in command all the time or else you are permissive and let your kids do whatever in the name of love or friendship or whatever.

There IS a middle ground. I believe it's very important to be respectful of my children and their feelings/wants/desires. I think it's important to approach things as kindly as possible, and I also believe it's important for children to obey and recognize me as their leader. I believe there are many different types of leaders, and it is possible to be a friend to your child while being a parent at the same time. I think you get better results when you go that route anyway. If a child believes you care and love them, and are going to be kind and loving, they will less likely rebel. It doesn't mean you are permissive and let them do whatever they want. It also doesn't mean you have to be a drill sergeant with them either.

I haven't finished it, but I love the book "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. It goes along these lines. It's been a month or so since I read it, and I can't remember if she talks about friendship, but she does talk about love and respect and caring about your child's feelings, etc. I really like it. There are studies to back up what she says too.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I agree with you that there is a middle ground. You don't have to be a permissive parent that lets your kid do whatever, without regard for others. And you also don't have to be a parent that forces, controls, and demands from your child.

Katrina, I'm alot like you. Growing up, my daughter knew that I love her, and I loved doing fun things with her. She also knew that I was the alpha of the household, and that there were times when she ad to do things she didn't ike, because they were necessary. It IS posible to be your child's friend AND be an effective parent.

My kids are my best friends (and my hubby) AND they behave. They know that we can't have fun unless they behave. And they know that when they misbehave it disrupts the whole "fun" feeling of the day/house.
That being said, I've had to remind my son (9yrs old) a few times that I'm his mom, not some buddy off the playground and please do not use your potty humor with me - I don't think it's funny (or appropriate) as your 9/10 yr old friends do :)

Hmmm...I had to read your post over a few time to get what you were really asking.

I think your definition of a "parent" is one of yelling and threatening and totally authoritative. In that case I can see why you are seeing a distinction between that type of parent and the type of parent/friend you are striving to be. I don't think you are your children's friend by your description. You mention being stern, correcting behaviors and keeping them home if they are misbehaving. A friend would not do those things...a parent does.

You are not parenting the way most of us grew up. I got the belt when I misbehaved, soap in the mouth when I disrespected or said a bad word, and I did not look to my parents for guidance or advice or to do something fun with. I turned to my friends...which usually led to more bad behavior. Friends commiserated about how awful and unfair their parents were.

My husband was raised the same way. We have determined to do things differently and it is working out soooo much better. We have read a couple books and attended parenting classes. We are seeing the positive results from this type of parenting instead of the " I will take you out to the woodshed if you cross me" type of parenting.

Don't take it personally if you hear that you are being your kids' friend when you don't yell or threaten. It is a childish behavior to yell and threaten...that is how kids deal with frustration and being out of control..not how mature adults act. You know you are correcting bad behavior and setting a good example of how to treat others and act in public. Parents tend to think that if the behavior stops in the moment because of a spanking or yelling that the child has learned the lesson and parent wins. Soooo wrong. The kid actually learns nothing but to avoid that behavior for fear of Mom or Dad's wrath. Sooo much more learning and behavior modification over the long run comes from a calm parent who teaches through more positive discipline.

I think you are doing fine. You are spending alot of time with your kids and in the future they will look back and be sooooo grateful for how you parented. I look back and wish my parents would have yelled less, spanked less, threatened less and instead talked to me, spent more time playing and reading and exploring with me. My siblings and I do not have close relationships with our parents to this day. I did not go to parents for advice about much of anything. There was a big disconnect and still is...but it is getting better now that we are equals.

If you see that your kids show that they can be kind, polite, work hard, can deal with others when things don't go their way then you are doing a good job at parenting.