Is It Normal?? - Carpentersville,IL

I have been a pre-school teacher for 20+ years, and now work as an assistant director at a school, so I'd like to think I speak from some experience. There are a number of factors here which is why your question is so long... (and the answer too). Part of the reason for taking children to pre-school is so they can begin to learn some socialization skills, which includes conflict resolution (yes even 2's begin to create coping skills for this in their own way). Your daughter is (for now) the only child in the home, so she has never been exposed to sharing, cooperation and similar concepts. She is accustomed at home to having what ever she wants as there is no competition. When a sibling comes along some of that will take care of itself. It may be the child pushing is not a first-born and is picking up aggressive tactics from older siblings. There are agressive people in the world, so learning to deal with them is important (which begs the question does that need to start at age 2???? apparently so) Another noteworthy point is that it is not uncommon for 2's to regress a with potty training when they start school for the first time. All that being said... I, as a parent and teacher see several red flags... 1. The accidents are increasing not decreasing over time. 2. She has picked up the behavior and is using it as a tactic in new situations. 3. Scratches on the face that are unexplained. 4. If this is a class for 2 year olds there should be multiples of the same toys because while we begin to teach about sharing they really don't have that skill yet, so you reduce competition by having multiples.
I do not think she is too young to be in a program. But it sounds like this particular program may not be a good fit for her. I don't like to make judgments about any school. The teachers may be working very hard to help re-train all the children from this behavior, and the pushing child may have some particular issues, which legally the teacher cannot discuss with other parents. But if that is the case they need to have an aide close to that child at all times. It might be worth looking for another program for your daughter. You do not want that behavior to become dominant and have her use it on a new sibling. In the meantime talk to the teachers more, see what you can do together to work on the issue. Teachers often feel on the defensive, and not being able to discuss particulars makes that more the case. But the "what can I do, as a parent, to help" approach may get you farther. Ask how they explain and redirect your child so you can duplicate that in other settings. It is not out of line to speak to the director. She should be aware of any dynamic in the classroom and be helping the teachers create strategy to benefit all the students. This is your opportunity to teach your daughter that some people do push... It is not nice. She should go away from people who push. Tell the teacher when it happens... (give her the coping skills)
Try to set up play dates with other students in the class on days when there is not school so she can build some friendships. (Ask the teacher who she does get along with) The more the teacher feels she is your advocate rather than adversary the better.) There is so much here.... hang in there, they don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing. These are children who finally understand they are a separate entity from their parent and they are exploring what it means to be an individual. They have not yet figured out that others are individuals too. Good luck. Feel free to write back and let me know how it is going (____@____.com)

Hi. I am not really sure how to respond as my daughter is just shy of 18 months, but I do agree with another responder in that some sort of note should have been sent home. It is not acceptable for your child to be injured (even a minor one) while in someone else's care and not at least be told about it up front. I would take the issue up with the director/principal of the school- especially if you are already uncomfortable with the way the situation(s) has been handled. Your child's safety,comfort, and development should be of the utmost concern for her daytime caretakers and if that is not coming across in their actions then maybe there are other issues that need to be addressed. It's also possible that other parents could have similar concerns and a conference should be held. Either way if there is more than one episode it should be addressed.

Best wishes to you and your daughter in working through this situation.

my son didn't at all until he was 2.5 yrs.
my daughter however is 18 months and she pushes and hits her older brother.
frustration from inability to communicate.
sighhhhh.

Normally, i read through to see what others have said so i dont repeat, but not so here. Get her out of pre school now!
she should be having fun, loving it, and she is so obvoiusly not. she is only 2, so its not as if there isnt time later for pre school.
once she is out, you will be able to redirect her from pushing and it shouldnt be a problem for long. and yes, 2 year olds push, they also hit and bite....they cant verbally communicate as well as older kids, so they do what they can to get their point across.
keep her home another year or tow. if your looking for some social interaction for her, try dance, swimming, a play group in your area. dont leave her with a negitive perception of school at such a young age.
Good luck!

It is normal for kids to start pushing/pinching etc around this age. My first 3 (triplets) did great until they were about 2 1/2. Then they would push to get what they wanted, scratch, pinch, even bite if they still didn;t get their way. They always had each other so they always had to share.

But, I am surprised that no notes were sent home or issues raised. The teacher should definitely be redirecting to help teach right from wrong. At this age, you have to address it right away not later at home. When your d came home with scratches on her face, there should at least have been a note about what happened and what was done to resolve it. That is what my kids pre-K teacher did. And when the conflict kept presenting, we had a conference. If the problem involved another child repeatedly, that child and parents were included in the conference.

I've had two kids go through daycare and preschool, and while pushing may be developmentally normal, it's not normal for the teacher to be unwilling to work with the children to redirect bad behavior. Young preschoolers are basically learning one thing which is, how to act/have fun in a group. And it's only two hours.

My first instinct is that the teacher sounds like an idiot, but to cover all the possibilities, it might be that the teacher is reacting to feeling accused, that you unintentionally made it sound like "you teach my kid and she's learning bad things." So the first thing I would do is stop worrying about that part of it. (kids will learn all sorts of behavior from other kids). Have another conversation and ask, when are incidents (and injuries) reported to parents? How do teachers redirect behavior to be more positive?

Also, see if you can volunteer or observe one day in the classroom. If you don't get good answers from the teacher, talk to the director. If you aren't getting results after that - well, 4 hours a week is probably not worth all the stress for either of you.

The other day, a friend of my daughter's (a 30 month old) pushed my daughter down the stairs. (No injury,just a fright). My daughter is 20 months. She doesn't push, but she does get super excited and pinch sometimes.

I was reading yesterday that aggressive behavior is very, very common for 18mo-4 year olds: since they lack real verbal ability, they use physical communication to get their point across. I find that most of my daughter's older friends are very pushy, and I have been noticing increased physical communication by my daughter in the last few weeks.

When my daughter pinches, I always ask her why she shouldn't do it. She knows that pinching creates boo boos and will frequently tell me that. She also immediately goes to hug after engaging in such behavior.

I'm very interested in the responses you get to this request. Also, I was reading yesterday that sharing, as a real developmental milestone, doesn't take place till closer to 4. I have noticed that my daughter shares when I am around. I think it has to do with looking to us for approval, but in terms of actual skill, they are much too young to grasp the concept.

I have a 3 1/2 year old that started preschool this year and she absolutely loves it! If she had said she didn't want to go "because she missed mommy" I would have pulled her out immediately. she sounds like she's just simply too young to be away from you that long and her teacher sounds like an idiot too. My daughters teacher is amazing and gives detailed accounts of her day pretty frequently. Maybe we just got lucky with her school/teacher but I think you should drop in periodically and observe to see what is going on. School should be a positive experience for her (and you!) and if it's stressing her out then it's not worth it.