Is It Fair to the Child?

Yeah, having 3 kids is like a zoo, bfd. You should tell her to suck it up, she should have thought about that before having the 3rd. They are both selfish parents, it sounds like neither of them deserve this poor child, let alone actually want him :(

Really makes you wonder why they had a child in the first place...a good friend of mine just had a miscarriage and was told she can't have any more kids, I bet she would take him every night in a heartbeat.

Plain and simple, not fair, not stable and not okay - you knowing this should be a responsible party and notify CPS.

And I thought it was bad that a judge ordered alternating weeks for my 4 year old nephew was bad!

Sounds like no one cares about this child at all. Things like this make me sick.

So basically, neither mom or dad want him. Heartbreaking

Please clarify -- "alternate nights"? As in, Monday with mom, Tuesday with dad, Wednesday with mom, Thursday with dad, and so on? Is that right?

If so - is this a court-ordered custody arrangement? I am guessing it isn't, because I cannot imagine any family court allowing that level of back-and-forth with a child this young. Typically it would be more like weekdays with one parent and weekends with another, or one week at mom's and one week at dad's or other variations, but not one night here, one night there, with a third adult (babysitter/Grandma) in the mix too.

No wonder the boy is "hard to handle," which you note three times in different ways in your post. He is horribly, deeply confused and also not getting consistent, regular and well scheduled rest -- anywhere. The inconsistency is going to produce a difficult, temperamental child with a host of issues soon (lack of security; ability to play one parent off against the other to get what he wants; ability to get Grandma to do what he wants in order to keep the peace with checked-out, "I'm done" dad; and so much more lies ahead with this lack of consistency.... He's too young to do all that now but it will come if this keeps up.)

Mom and dad (I'm figuring mom is you?) need to work out a consistent schedule where the boy is not on an alternating night arrangement and where the boy does not have (or lack) these naps that are manipulated by the adults for their own needs. If you do not have a court ordered arrangement for custody and visitation, it's time to get one, and if dad and grandma get upset, get a mediator or a child psychologist involved -- the latter can tell them why this arrangement is not going to produce a child anyone wants to cope with. Oh, and parenting classes should be a condition of any custody and visitation arrangements for you both -- dad sounds like he's the one who really needs it but you should go as well, to show you are willing to work on the whole arrangement.

absolutely not. sounds like a pretty chaotic life to me, and i'm not even 3. it's so sad that no one actually wants to RAISE this child. not only 2 parents every other day but 2 different sitters too...that's four caregivers in a 48 hour time span...

makes you wonder why some people even have kids.

The "grown ups" in question ALL need to grow up! Poor baby.

There should be no alternating nights for a child this young. The poor little fella doesn't have any idea where he belongs or who is in charge. One parent needs custody and one parent gets visitation on alternating weekends. If Daddy wants to see the child, he comes over to Mommy's house to see him during the week.

This family needs to be in counseling to learn how to take care of this little boy properly. What is going on here right not isn't working at all.

Cruel and heartbreaking.

I would report them also.. This child is being shuffled around like an object.
Real parents do what us best for the child.. It sounds like this child is unwanted.

This post makes me so sad; I have three kids and yes it gets crazy at times but they love being together. they're 10year-old , 3year-old and 3 months even the newborn love being in the same room as her sisters.
What they're doing to that child is horrible, besides 3 is such a fun age; I'm sure the little guy just needs a consistent schedule and stay put in one place enough to bond with his siblings. I've seen animals treated better than this...
Is there any way that you can talk to the mom and somehow explain to her how damaging this is to her son? maybe she needs a good friend to tell her the ugly truth. For the sake of the child I would do it.

Oh my goodness!!! The poor little guy! I think its incredibly selfish of the parents to keep this kind of schedule for this child. It is NOT fair to the child and its wrong! The child is way to young to be having to adjust his schedule to meet his parents wants/needs. This child is going to grow up having HUGE abandonment issues and no sense of where he belongs because of the constant moving around and fluctuating! Has anyone alerted the judge to get a better custody order? Or CPS for a well-check for the child? I would start there....soooo sad!

M

No, it's not fair to the child. Children need structure and order. His schedule should be kept as normal as possible, and this doesn't seem to be working. It would be better for him to have more than one night at a house, I agree that a Mon-Thurs/Fri-Sun schedule would probably be better for the poor little guy.

No, this is not a good schedule for a young child. A 3 year old may or may need a nap, depending on the child but he needs a consistent schedule. Also it is harder on kids to alternate daily than to have several days in a row with each parent. A more sensible schedule might be each parent having 1 weekend day and 2 or 3 weekdays in a row so it is only 2 switches a week for him. Or the parents could alternate weeks to have him for weekdays.

Even if all is settled handling a 3 year old can be tough so I could well imagine what a handful this kid could be with so much extra transition.

Ideally the parents and (maybe grandma) need to work out a more functional schedule. It would help to have a mediator or family counselor to help them with the process. Maybe family court has a child custody office that can help with mediation. It wouldn't hurt to have the parents attend a parenting skills class or counseling. Calling child protective services might result in that but it would be a stressful way to get there. At least that is my 2 cents from having worked for CPS.

Breaks my heart that this little boy is not wanted by his parents, or his grandma.

I think that the parents are doing the kid a disservice by not having a better schedule, nevermind the sleeping habits. I'm sure my sks were up at all hours when they were with BM, but this every other night business is hard on a kid. It doesn't make them feel like any one place is "home" or anybody really wants him. It will NOT work well when the kid is in school. It sounds like, basically, they can't care for the child and are playing hot potato with him. I bet he's "hard to handle" because he has no consistency. The mom has created her "zoo", both by having more children than she can handle and by not handling the children she has. You know how people can have 6 kids and take all 6 to the store without chaos? Those people know how to parent. Discipline is not a bad word.

(The problem with the "nest" idea is that 1) this family isn't all from one father and 2) that gets old when you move on with your life. It only works if the two parties can respect each other's space and nobody has another family to consider. NO WAY would my DH and I be sharing a home with BM. )

Both parents need to sit down and agree on how to work schedules at each other's houses. They need to agree that it's not about them...it's about the kids. If even one parent/grandparent screws up a child's schedule, that child will be the one to suffer. Not only from exhaustion, but, it will also effect his/her health, immune system, growth, and mental/emotional wellness.

So basically the parents need to sit down and discuss what's best for their children and keep any personal issues aside. And as for the grandmother, if she cares at all about the well-being of the children, she would respect the parents' agreement and not do what she wants.

Either way, the child should be #1 and no one else.

All I can say is poor little boy. Children know when they are not wanted and I would say this little boy surely has picked up on that by now. To be shuffled around like this is terrible for him and he can't handle the changing schedule every other day. I think it's so sad that nobody enjoys the little boy and I would think the 2 other kids should be enjoying him and playing with him too. So sad.

I would never have alternating nights like that for any child. It is chaos and not fair to the child. The little guy needs the same structure and comfort of his own bed for nights in a row so he is less diffcult. Of course this child is going to be harder to handle with all the switching, different schedules and chaotic life structure.

The parents need to figure out what is best for the child, sounds like the parents could care less about their child and just want to pawn the child off whenever they can on the other parent.

Not sure of your relationship in this situation so not sure what weight you pull with either of the parents. If it were me, had a good relationship with one of the parents, I would maybe suggest that one parent stands up be a full blown adult and parent to their child. Once school starts it will really help the child to have a home/room that he always goes to on the week, maybe on the weekend (fri/sat) the other parents has the child.

Worng and cruel to the child. This could be why he is hard to handle. Mommy doesn't want him everynight cause she had 2 other kids? TOO BAD! Time to put on the big boy/girl pants and be a parent.

Oh no. Alternating every single night is something I never would have agreed to. It's too much back and forthing for a child that young. The child is never in one place long enough to feel settled.
My young son went with his dad Tuesday night, Thursday night and every other weekend. Even that was kind of hard on him, but it was as close to equitable as we could get and agree to.
Mediation through the court helped us with that schedule. If my son got sick, he stayed home with me so he wasn't going back and forth sick.

There really is no getting around that fact that things are done differently with each parent, but certain things need to remain consistant. A nap schedule should be adhered to regardless of which parent he'll be with.

Switching every single day just seems way too much for a little kid. As a divorced mother, that's just my opinion. Surely, there has to be a better schedule you could agree on.

In California, no visitation changes take place unless the parents go to mediation first in hopes they can agree there with some guidance.
I would check to see if you have mediation services through the courts where you live.
The goal is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents but not feel split in two in the meantime.

This is just my opinion.
Best wishes.

This is the saddest thing I have heard in a while. There are so many things wrong with this picture. The bottom line - no one seems to really want this poor baby!!!!! Makes me sick, really.

its not good for the child to be bouncing everynight to a different bed. you need to work it out where you have him m-thrs and daddy has him f-sun or vice versa.

And they wonder why he is hard to handle? One, he's 3 and NEEDS the nap. Kids become hyperactive when over-tired. he didn't choose this situation, mom and dad did. Makes me sad! He needs structure. I guess you didn't necessarily say "he"...he OR she. Sorry!

Whatever the current situation is regarding how they pass off the custody arrangement, it's clearly not working for the child. His behavior is an indicator of that. He has a very inconsistent routine at best, and parents that are so frustrated at his behavior that they're blaming the behavior on him rather than addressing their own parenting.

They need to start acting like co-parents and how they can change the routine and be consistent in everything across the board for this boy's sake as well as all of the other children involved. My best suggestion is counseling for the boy's parents. They should go together to get on the same page. Then their spouses can join in later on. Family counseling would probably be good too, and counseling for the boy. I also think it's VERY important for the parents, all of them, to attend parenting classes.

It also couldn't hurt for Dad to sit down with Mom and his own mother and tell his mother about the changes and what he expects of her, and the consistency that needs to happen for the sake of the boy. If the grandmother is pulling these stunts to stick it to the mother, then she's harming the boy in the process. Dad needs to acknowledge that and put a stop to it because it's his mother. If Grandma can't step up then they need to find a new babysitter who will remain neutral.

Did I read this right m? Mommy has 2 other children all the time and only ships this one off every other night?! It's absolutely not fair to the child. I agree with the other mom that the parents need to grow up and view it from the kid's perspective. They brought him into this world; somebody be the responsible one please. Having kids means your house is a zoo and messy. Get a new perspective and act like a parent.

You know the answer to the question as to whether it is fair or not to a child. Would you like to switch off where you sleep each night? Different environment, different expectations, different tones, different levels of security and attachment, different feels, etc. Decisions should not be made based on what the adults want. The adults created this mess, they should do whatever it takes to give this child some security in one environment.

Check with a child psychologist or other expert to see what is recommended.

My personal opinion is that the 2 parents need to grow up! I have 3 kids and its a zoo!

While a consistent schedule is always best, there is nothing to say this is unfair to the child. He can have a healthy, 2 day schedule. Many do it that go to mother's day out part time.

Aside from the nap time and the mom who doesn't WANT her own child (obviously that parts bad) Wow everyone saying its so horrible to alternate nights seem really judgemental. We don't do this with my daughter but a child threrapist once said for 3 and under if you can do the every other night without much chaos and it can be done natuarlly and they live close its actually better for the child. At this age some kids cant handle going 3 days without seeing their mom or dad. I would think each kid is diferent. We used to do 2 days off and 2 days on when Emmy was 3 because she would get upset if too much time passed by without one of us.
I'm suprised most of the responses are centering on every other night and not the fact the mom and dad don't seem to want to deal with their own child?

Mommy should have thought about that before she got knocked up!!!! That poor baby. I am unable to write anything else as I am unable to be nice. What a pair of knotheads.

Sad, really.
Parents of the year? They walk among us!

Have you heard about the judge that ruled that the PARENTS get to go back & forth so the child can stay in O. home? Now THAT is a great idea.

But to answer your question--no. It's not fair to the child.
All too often kids are little more than collateral damage.

Well, it sounds like neither parent wants the child. Of course it's not fair, but you already knew that.

I can't imagine that a court would approve a visitation schedule like this.

I dont think the child seeing the other parent every other night is the issue, it is lack of consistantcy in routines. The child needs to nap every day not just on certain days. He needs to have the same routine (or as close as possible).