Am I Wrong for Wanting More Time with My 2 Year Old

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think it is perfectly natural and normal to feel the way you do, I know it doesn't make it any easier but....you are not alone. I don't know what kind of work you do but....would it be possible to talk to your supervisor or find a different job that would be more flexible so that you could tailor your hours? Maybe you could work more hours on the days you don't have your daughter and less hours on the ones that you do have her? Just a thought. I hope you find a solution that allows you the time with your daughter you are seeking.

When my brother went through his divorce (ages ago) they split time exactly 50/50 too. His ex would get their son for 4 days and then my brother would get him for 3 and then the ex would have him for 3 and my brother would get him for 4. So out of 2 weeks they would each get 1 week that was split in to 2 blocks of time instead of alternating days. Maybe having blocks of time, you might feel that you are spending more time with her instead of alternating days and feeling like you are always saying good-bye to her. Just a thought.
Good luck.
Wendy

I agree with the other moms, that it is normal to feel this way. I think any new mom wants to spend as much time with their baby as possible. I too, would have felt sad about your arrangement if I had to deal with that. Even though the idea of your child getting equal time with both parents is beneficial, I can also see how it would be more so for a child that young to have someone more consistent..such as you having full custody, or daddy taking the baby every other weekend of something like that. If he is thinking it is so devilish of you to desire this, did he care what you had thought about him not wanting to work on keeping the family together? It sounds like he may be being selfish here to an extent. Maybe you could suggest that you feel your baby needs to be around the mommy more, and in all honesty, that you as the mother feel you need to be around your baby more- let him know that how it is now arranged you no longer feel is the best way for you or the child, suggest an arrangement you feel is better, and maybe add that he is free to come over and spend time with your daughter WITH you on certain days, so that maybe neither of you have to give up that special time. I know it may not be ideal, but hopefully you two are friends enough to be able to do that together, or work at it. Sorry I don't have more advice...I hope you are able to work something out with your ex so that going through lawyers isn't necessary.
K.

I think your instincts are right on.
My parents divorced when I was young and they tried to do the 50-50 thing-- it was a nightmare for M.. I never felt like I belonged anywhere I had to lug my belongings back and forth (but would still always forget something at the wrong house), my friends could never figure out where to reach M., and of course each parent had a different set of rules and a different attitude. Could you imagine having to do that as an adult, move several times a week? You'd be a wreck!

When my own relationship went bust and my daughter was 9 months, I refused to entertain 50-50. My ex had the same arguments about what's "fair," which really annoyed M.. It's not about what's fair to parents, it's about what's best for the child, and kids need a home!

(we actually have a good arrangement now-- he takes her to school every day, so they get to see each other every day, then Wednesday evenings and overnight Saturdays. She has 'home base,' but he's in her life daily, which is best for everyone.)

Most parents in MD have an alternating-weekend schedule-- logic being that one parent does the 'work,' then you both split the 'fun' times.

IMO you really, really need to get a lawyer and come to an agreement that will serve for the next 16 years of parenting. The schedule you have can't last.

and ps., I hate to be cynical here, but a lot of dads argue for the 50-50 because it reduces the child support obligation considerably.

I know exactly what you are going through because I was in the same shoes. I too was unmarried and while I tried to include my daughter's father in all the decision making and in access to her, he was very distant. When I finally grew used to that, he demanded 50-50. We went through a long and very costly custody hearing and he got everything he wanted and then some, despite there being much for M. to use to defend that arrangement. You don't say what jurisdiction you are in...we are in Baltimore County. Al ot depends on the lawyers and the judge. BUT, the court will see nothing wrong with your young child being so often away from you. We had to go through mediation and the mediator started by saying a young child should be with his or mother. Then the father outlined his demands, the mediator looked at M. and said, Well, how are we going to give Dad what he wants? That was the beginning of the end for M.. The judge was all about dear old dad...I don't think my daughter was mentioned once. So much for looking out for the child's best interests.

It will take a while, and holidays are the worst, but you will get used to this. In fact, there may even be times when you look forward to the down time, especially when your daughter is older and your every moment is not consumed with her needs. The worst part of these situations is that a schedule determines when you have her, not when you or she really need or want each other.

On the plus side, I think you will find the time you do have with her is better quality than a lot of traditional families. You will plan your chores and errands for your down time and be able to give more freely of yourself to your daughter.

Our arrangement is he has every every Tuesday, alternating Thursdays and alternating weekends. He has all the major holidays on even years and I get them in odd years. The very big flaws to this schedule is its feast or famine with the holidays. There are enough holidays of equal importance that if you can't share them somehow (we can't because he likes to travel with her to see family), find a better way to split them up. I think that is important for the traditions you will grow together. The every other day also means your daughter is in a different bed every other night. You may not be able to handle such an arrangement now, but a 3 day on, 4 day off rotation might be easier for everyone one when she is 4 or so.

You and your child will survive this but I won't pretend its easy. My girl is now 5 and there are still issues. If you each can communicate and do what's best for your daughter, it will make it easier.

If you would like to chat off-line, feel free to contact M.. When I was going through this, all I saw were happy families and no one could share the issues I was going through. Good luck.

Hi Malena,
I think that its ok to feel what you are feeling. I know some teenagers with a parent schedule like what you are describing. I feel bad for them. They are literally living out of their bookbags. They wake up at one house and sleep at the other.

Here are two suggestions. Perhaps one would work.

Option 1. You have your daughter Mon. eve - Thurs. Morn. Dad has her Thurs. eve - Mon morn. You each get her for 3 1/2 days a week. That way there is consistancy. Or since you work during the week, perhaps the reverse. Dad has her Mon. eve. - Thurs. morn. and you have her Thurs. eve. - Mon. morn. That way you get whole weekends to spend with her.

Option 2. This depends on your work schedules. Dad picks her up in the afternoon. and has dinner with her, then when you get home at 7, you pick her up from Dad. Then you still get to see her every night, and she has one bed for more than 1 night.

Good luck.
M.

Malena,

You are not wrong to want more time with your child! Sharing children is always the hardest part of a break-up. (I always hated having to alternate holidays!)

I have to agree with the comment Skye wrote to you-shuffling children's schedules is really hard on them, especially when school becomes part of the picture. A home base is very important. I was in a situation with a SD & SS many years ago. When they are young they are pretty resilient, but school changes everything. The kids lose track of where they left their homework, where their clothes ended up, or a favorite toy. It's tough, very disrupting.

Perhaps your daughter's father would be willing to try seeing a mediator? If you can work it out between the 2 of you that would be best. You can go back to court, but some of the Masters in family court (MD) seem more interested in father's rights than in the best interest of the child. Do you have a good lawyer? (In case mediation is not an option.)

Best of luck to you and your daughter,
T.

My brother and his ex also have the 50/50 arrangement but my nephew is with his mom Sunday night thru thursday , and with my brother thurs night-sunday night.This works well for both of them (as she works weekends and he works during the week). They also meet occasionally and have dinner or go to the zoo midweek of weekend if one their son is missing the other parent. They were never married and are seperated. They have just worked really hard at putting their sons feelings and interests first. I know it's hard to be away from your child but you have to think of them. My oldest son is from a prior relationship (my husband has since adopted him)but before we moved last year I allowed my son to go with his biological father for a week. It was very hard for M. but my husband reminded M. that I needed to give him a chance to get to know him. although he's barely in his life presently my son still thanks us for the opportunity. Good luck girl, hang in there!

hi malena,

i've read a lot of the responses you've gotten, and I have to say i disagree with every single one of them. first of all, yes i'm sorry things didn't work out between you and your ex, but that had nothing to with not being married when you had your child. married couples have just as much a chance of splitting up than non-married ones, and if you had been married the only thing that would have changed would be an expensive and drawn out divorce and division of assets.

second, i disagree with all the comments about the high frequency shuffling being what's best for your child. every kid is different, but i can offer some insight because this is the situation i am currently in: my fiance shares 50-50 custody of his 5 year old daughter, and has since his wife left him when she was 1. they do the splits evenly - every Sunday at 5PM. this gives you an entire week with your child, for the every day work week plus a weekend where it's just the two of you. this is good in a lot of ways: first of all, a week is enough time for the child to become comfortable and established at one house: one bed, one room, etc. - but short enough so that just as the child begins to miss the other parent, it's time to go see them! plus, you get a week's break. i've arranged my work schedule so that on weeks with my SD i work 6 hour days, so i'm home early enough to get her from daycare and make dinner and spend time with her at night, and 10 hour days when she's not with us to make up the time. her dad works early in the morning, and is usually home by 4, so he spends time with her too. im not sure if switching your schedule is possible for you but it's a thought.

finally: i congratulate you on recognizing the importance of having both parents in your daughter's life. unbeknowst to a lot of people, some dads actually DO want to see their kids - for reasons other than they have to pay less money. (who'da thought?!) i will say this though - when it comes time to go to school, the child will need a primary residence, not only because schools refuse to enroll the children without one, but having the stability of one home is less stressful and allows the child to have a home base. at the moment, we're in the midst of a custody battle to determine which school she goes to and who she lives with, and things are looking favorable for my SD to stay with us. mom's don' always win anymore. especially if the dad is in the picture, has remained in his child's life, and continues to provide what's in the child's best interest. dads wanting custody is a common occurrence, and it's NOT about not wanting to pay child support, or trying to screw the mom out of something she wants, or trying to punish the mom or make it so the mom doesn't get something over them - dads love their kids to.

so: good luck, it does get easier, there's the possibility of week on week off schedules with your daughter, and GET SCHOOL PLANS WORKED OUT BEFORE THEY HAPPEN. :) your daughter is very lucky to have two parents who really care about her.

No you are not wrong and yes, go back to court. My nephew was brought up to be with each parent an "equal" amount of time & has suffered from this. it's very sad when he talks about something at "my dad's house" or "my mom's house", but never says "my house". Don't feel guilty about doing this & don't let her dad talk you out of it. You're her mom & know what is best for her. Good Luck!

I think you have a very fair custody agreement. It is very important for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents. Girls, especially, need a good relationship with Dad, it affects them in so many ways when they get older. It may be easier to do Mon/Tues with you and Wed/Thurs with dad, that would be less changing, and give more days together. But since you are not with her father, having time away from you is a reality. Or perhaps you can change your work schedule to be with her more. I honestly don't think that a judge would change a custody agreement that seems to be working, just because the mom wants more time with the child.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but I think if possible you need to rearrange your work hours. Work more on the days you don't have her and less on the days you do. You could make up time on the Fridays and weekends that you don't have her. You'll spend less idle time missing her and have more time at home on the days she is there. We have to sacrifice a lot for our children so this may be a great time to rethink what's best for her - not you and your husband. If that means longer hours on different days, so be it. Good luck!

I know this may sound strange but you might want to try Fri - Thur. IT might be easier on you with seperating.

My heart goes out to you and your situation. I was a product of a divorce. It was when I was so young I have no memory of it. My mother also worked full time, but the one thing she said she was determined to have, was stability. She arranged with my father that her home was my primary residence. He could see M. anytime he wished, but I wouldn't be passed back and forth. As I grew up, this was a blessing. My holiday memories were consistent and I always new where my home was. Your exhusband sounds pretty reasonable. Perhaps you both need to shift the focus from this 50/50 numbers thing to what is best for her. As it stands now, you are not getting your 50%. Work together to figure out ways your daughter will have a home base and spend quality time with you both. Talk to him about the situation, telling him you feel like you need more time with her daughter and she needs more time with you. Depending on his work schedule, maybe he can take her and pick her up from daycare or take on some of the responsibilities to help you out in the care of your daughter. Express to him that you need his help and cooperation on this. That way he could still spend time with her, but this would allow you more quality time when it is your turn. This situation can be worked out if you remain a team. If this doesn't work, then I suppose court is the other option. I hope I was clear. I will send many good thoughts to you.

I don't blame you for wanting to be with her more I would be that way too if I were in your shoes. What works for a friend of mine is that her exhusband gets if on wednesdays & every other weekend. I would fight for what you think is to be in the best interest of your daughter. Good luck & I am sure everything will work out for the best.

I don't know if it is an option, but can you telecommute, work a four day week with longer hours to have a whole day off on Monday, or work a split shift on tuesday or thursday so that you could get her from day care in the afternoon on the nights she is with your ex? talk with your boss and/ or human resources and you may be able to work something out if you are a good worker most employers now try to accommodate.

Hi Malena,

To answer your question, it would be wrong of you to NOT do everything in your power to spend as much time with your little girl as possible. I am not saying it is not a good thing for her to have time with her dad as well, so long as it is a healthy, loving environment for her. I am sadden to read about the situation your family is in. I especially feel bad for your little one. I don't know if your ex is more interested in what's best for his daughter or getting his way. If it is not the latter than he may be open to this suggestion...I heard of a couple that divorced and the wife and husband took turns moving back and forth to an apartment close by so the children would lot have their lives turned TOTALLY upside down. I thought that was very admirable of them. At least the kids got to wake up in the same bed everyday.

Also, like someone else mentioned. If you want more time with her you need to make sure it does not turn out just to be more time she is at daycare on your watch. I am a branch manager with Jewels By Park Lane and I am looking for people with drive and ambition that would like to make full-time profits on a part-time FLEXIBLE schedule. If you are interested in learning more, I am listed in local businesses. This is a NO inventory investment, no packing or delivering opportunity. We have been featured in TWO back-to-back issues of Empowering Women magazine as The Best Home-Based business. Even though it is "home-based" you can meet with clients just about anywhere. I have meet for shows at Star Bucks, Panera Bread, Atlanta Bread Company and even at McDonald's for times when little ones are in tow.

The fact your ex was not willing to work things out with you and is already in a relationship, does not bode well for him. I hope he will start considering doing what's best for your daughter real soon. It is THE most important thing he can do that will affect her the rest of her life. Trust M., I grew up without my father in my life...I live to try to make a difference in children's lives, especially my own. They are the reason I do what I do. I can tell from your message, your daughter is your life and I hope you know how important it is for you to be in her life as much as you can! Imo, it is a tragedy for her to be in daycare when she could be with you. If nothing else, do you not have family that could come to your aid with her? For her and yourself, do the right thing. I will do everything I can to help you help yourself and your daughter if you are willing to give the business a try. This is a very simple, but not necessarily easy business. We are looking to expand our team here in Hampton Roads. We are very supportive of each other and fun as well. The best thing is we are in business FOR ourselves, but not BY ourselves. Call M. for information about our test drive program.
Dream big, then climb strong!
T.

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine "sharing" my child. Sure that arrangement sounds fair to you and her father, but not to her. Thats got to be so hard on her going back and forth. I am sure you can imagine. Not to mention how hard it is obviously on you. I am so sorry you have to go thru this.
I wouldnt go to court just yet, I'd try to figure something better out w/ her dad first. You dont want him thinking you are trying to take her away from him and cause trouble. You all need to remain as amicable as possible at all times for her sake.
I would strongly suggest to him that every other week would be much better? I would think any judge would see that this arrangement is not good for any child, let alone a 2yr old who has no clue whats going on. Sooner than later its going to take its toll on her and she will show signs like not sleeping well, or trouble potty training, or acting up or not eating well... Maybe you can wait for something like this to happen so you can prove to the judge that every other day is not good.
Also, is there any way you can change your schedule or job to allow more time w/ her? I would be afraid of him saying you dont have enough time to spend w/ her because of your work hours.
ps i am w/ analee on this one. ive told my dh the same thing. you screw up you lose.

Hi Malena,

Had you thought about Family Mediation to resolve this custody issue with your husband?

The Community mediation Center in Norfolk has a Family Mediation program that handles custody issues and etc.

their number is : ###-###-####

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Malena, I am a social worker and I have seen good custody cases and horrible cases, and you seems to have a pretty decent ex. You can try talking to him and ask him to change it to him having her for one week, and you having her the other week. In that you are having more quality and quantity bonding time with your daughter. I hope this information is useful

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your situation. If I were you I would feel the same way because I can't imagine being without my kids.

That being said, I think it is fantastic tha her dad wants her so much - many dads don't. I think that as long as he is a good dad, that is what is best for her. It is great that she has him around that much and it is a great example to her that you two aren't dragging her though a battle abotu custody.

Perhaps the solution is to change the timing or rotation of days. A councelor or mediator might be able to help you guys work on this. If things are amicable, maybe you can work it out to have occasional playdates with your daughter and vice versa for your ex during each other's times. Can you also talk to your boss about adjusting your work hours on days you have her?

I think the key is this: A mediator might help you identify a schedule that minimizes her time in day care and maximizes hours with her parents - a problem we all face.

At only two years of age, I wonder if a split week is logical - 3-4 days is a long time for a two year old and a long time for BOTH parents not to see their child. A theripist might be in a good position to tell you and your ex what would be best for her in terms of timing. At such a young age, maybe switching every day would be okay with her. When she is older, the current arrangment might make more sense.

I have never been in your shoes, and I feel awful to see a mom go through this. But it seems to M. that the situation you have is fair and any change you initiate to have more days with her will only create animosity which I think is worse for your child. I think you need professional help (lawyer, therapist, mediator) not to "take away" custody but to modify it in a way that makes both parents happy and is healthy for your daughter.

This seems difficult, but i know how you must feel. Is there anyway where you guys could do a weekend thing together, the zoo, circus, park, or would that be to much of a compromising situation for the 2 of you? If you feel this way, then perhaps the father feels the same way?! (a thought) Maybe you could seek a little professional help, becuase your daughter may also be suffering with this.

I've never under the 50/50 custody deal. In my observation, the child is damaged a lot more from this situation than from an estrangement of one parent. Kids need routine, structure and consistency.

I'd say fight for more time, but make sure you can give it.

~L.

No advice - just a thought. My husband and I always joke (we have a very stong marriage) that whomever screws up the relationship relinquishes our daughter (ie: I have an affair and he gets the baby and vice versa...). Your ex wanted out of being a part of the family that he helped create;I consider THAT to be more "unfair" and "devilish" than you wanting to see her more.
By my standards, you should have full custody.

Again, just a thought.

well most people will disagree with this statment but I would say first see if you can find a job with diffrent hours. Second look for an night time childcare provider where you will see her doing the day. The problem with that is you maybe tired yourself. lastly look for some affordable housing programs that are income based. That means your rent will be according to your income and regardless of what you make you will always be able to pay your rent.

This isn't very popular but these programs were made for tax payers who may need some help along the way to keep their families strong.

all i can think of is fo you to get a job that you can have off monday and weds. then id try to get a job that has oposite hours as my ex so that you could watch her while hes at work stead of daycare. you want to see her badly enough you have to make it happen how you can. this schedual ill save money on daycare and you both would see her more often.