Internalizing Rules and Enforcing Them

I don't know how old he is, but this is okay through about age 3. By age 4, he needs to cut it out.

The sentence "You are not his parent, it's not your job to correct him" is repeated pretty often at our house. Most often is applies to a sibling, but sometimes other people too.

It is completely normal, but please don't let DS grow into a bossy kid. I grew up with one of those, and it contributed to a LOT of sibling rivalry.

I repeat to our supervisor that he is only in charge of himself.

I sometimes change that up to 'you can't control other people'.

It's going to be a good life lesson. I learned it at 33. I'm hoping he can learn it a little earlier, so we're starting at 2.

That actually doesn't sound like internalizing the rules. When you internalize a rule you understand why it exists. So if you saw someone going out into a street you would perhaps yell, you are going to get hurt by a car. The sprinkler, you are going to get wet.

What you wouldn't do is just repeat the rule as if the rule has some authority. That is all he is doing, he sees rules as power without any understanding of how the rules protect him. He wants power over others so he is correcting them using the rules.

He sounds just great, frankly. I do understand the concern that he not be bossy toward other kids, or grab them and pull them away from something he perceives as a danger and upset or hurt them. But first--take a moment to savor the fact that he does indeed listen and absorb it when you say red is stop, green is go, and he does very intelligently "get" that the sprinkler isn't broken, it's off, and there is a reason for that. Good stuff.

As for yelling well-meant directions to adults who are crossing the street, well, I'd let that one go; adults with an issue will roll their eyes at you but any parent is likely to smile. (Well, I would.) You could ask him to use a quieter voice, but he might be confused by that -- after all, you probably would yell at him if he let go of your hand and was crossing a street without you. It's tough being his age and wanting every rule to apply to everyone in every circumstance just like the rules apply for him!

But with other kids: You can be ready to distract them both, and right now, basic distraction is probably best, especially if there's a younger kid involved. And give your son something to do instantly, since he's clearly an active take-charge guy -- "Hey, Son, why don't you show Toddler how fast you can climb the play structure" or "Yes, it's off, can you run run run over to the bench and get our [toy] to share with Toddler?" or whatever makes him feel like the big boy he knows he is. (Naturally,, don't mention sharing the toy if that's not something he's good at just yet!)

Of course grabbing another kid is out, and that requires the usual intervention: "No, we do not touch" and instant removal of his hand but possibly also while distracting/giving him a job as above, one that separates him physically from the other kid while making him feel he's helping.

We do worry about our young kids being bossy but I think sometimes moms worry about it a bit too much. Most kids go through a long phase where they assert themselves more and it's typical; and kids who tend to be good rule-followers can seem extra bossy for a while, but they tend to outgrow it (let's hope they don't outgrow the absorption of rules, though!).

It's a phase. I don't think what you do matters terribly much, he will outgrow it. Of course, teaching politeness at the time makes it a teeny bit less embarrassing.

He doesn't want power over others and is therefore using the rules - he wants everything to be 'fair' and he has only a very limited but very strong attachment to the concept of fair. Fair means everyone follows the rules.

This is normal. My oldest did it when she was about three. She didn't see where "following rules" and "telling other people to follow rules" ended for kids :) My younger two didn't do it because they saw that I was in charge and not her so they never pushed it. Now they're all old enough to get that we mind our own business or tell a parent unless there is a big reason for kids to interfere.

As your son matures he'll also understand the "Let other people do whatever they want (unless it's an emergency), but you need to follow the rules." and/or "Only adults enforce rules." and THEN when he's a little older (like over 5) he can have more freedom to guide others as he comprehends he intricacies of socialization :)

For now just tell him, "Only momma makes the rules." and "We don't tell other people what to do". Boy did my daughter love to tell people not to smoke etc. I had to nip it !!!

At 3 it's cute, at 5-6 it's bossy and other kids will tell him to knock it off! Or a sibling!