Insecure Feelings

I think its normal to notice an attractive person. I do think its gross if he is 'flirting' with a girl young enough to be his daughter. For that reason, I would comment on it. I too thought "American Beauty" when I read this.

T., you aren't overreacting and you should talk to him. However, instead of talking about YOUR insecurity, you need to approach it differently.

Tell him that you feel that he is inappropriately paying attention to this girl's physical form. Tell her that your family doesn't need to get in trouble with her family due to him making this girl feel that he is checking her out and from his comments about her flirting with boys. Tell him that young girls shouldn't have to worry about this from older men who are supposed to know better.

Tell him that if it doesn't stop, you will not have the girl come over to the house anymore, mostly to protect her.

When he argues, THEN tell him all the things he does when she walks into a room. Tell him that American Beauty in your home won't do. I'm pretty sure that a goodlooking teen boy walking into your house wouldn't turn you into a "cougar", T.. If you did act like that, someone SHOULD have a talk with you about the inappropriateness of it.

His "attitude", should it rear its ugly head, is something you should face head on. Ask him how he would feel if another father was talking like this to HIS daughter. Tell him that he would undoubtedly feel that the man was having sexual fantasies about his little girl and that it should bother the hell out of him. And the last thing his little girl should have to feel and deal with is a man twice her age lusting after her.

I come with this advice having had the experience first hand when I was a teen, except the man was the father of a guy I was dating. The boy didn't like it either - it was so obvious that even HE knew it was going on. I tried to avoid the man. I wonder how many other girls he did that to who dated his son - I hope he didn't act that way with the gal who ended up marrying into the family. Someone should have had a talk with that man - just like you should have a talk with your husband.

It won't be a pleasant talk, and you shouldn't have it with the kids in the house. Don't back down, and don't sound like an insecure mousy wife. Bring it on and expect better behavior from him for this girl's sake. If he says you need "help" or something, call his bluff and make him go to a counselor with you. He may be the one who actually needs it, hearing from an objective 3rd party, that he is in the wrong.

Good luck,
Dawn

Hi T., with all due respect your husband's behavior towards this girl is quite creepy. If I were her parent I wouldn't want her over at your house. I know thats harsh but really....some grown man eye-balling my teenage daughter. ....I would confront him but thats just me. Your daughter may get to the point where she hesitates to bring her friends over.

I am totally, totally with Manda and Dawn. Don't focus on your feelings of insecurity because that is all beside the point. The point is that this girl is his daughter's teenaged friend, and she should feel safe in your house, just as you would want your daughter to feel safe in her house.

It's quite natural for someone else's hotness to unexpectedly take over--omg, that happens, and can render a person stupid, and it's embarrassing for everybody. (The embarrassment is where your husband's "attitude" is coming from by the way.) In this case, it's the grown-up's responsibility to be aware of this feeling and to take control. If he knows that she is coming over, he should make himself scarce until he can get a handle on it. Denying it only sinks him deeper.

You should most definitely bring this up when it's only the two of you and no chance of one of your children overhearing. Don't talk about how it makes you feel because this isn't about you. Let him know that you've noticed how he responds to her presence. Know that this realization is embarrassing for him, so don't drag out the conversation. Just let him know that he needs to get it in check. Mention having the tables turned and the girl's father having the same feelings come up for his daughter. This girl's father knows what his daughter looks like. He knows that boys and men alike are gonna lose their minds when she comes around. She has to deal with these looks and comments from all over. Her parents probably "breathe easy" when they know that she is in your home, away from the creepy-crawling lusties.

Your husband needs your help to bring him back around and think of this girl as his daughter's peer. Remind him that your children's friends are extensions of your children and you should care for them as your children, especially in the absence of their parents. That's what their parents trust you to do. When I was about 20yo, my brother's friend was at the house. I walked out into the garage, and his big, beautiful friend was standing there shirtless. I took my butt right back into the house. This kid was all of 16 and MY BROTHER'S FRIEND. I had to make sure that I didn't even give those thoughts any space in my mind. I had to take control. That's not nearly as serious as this issue with your husband.

It's just that it's his daughter's friend that makes it gross to me, if it were me i wOuld probably say something like "uh can we please not be known as the house where the dirty old man lives". Kinda in humor but gets the point across. I also worry that if it's obvious to you, it probably is to friend and daughter.

I think you need to say something to him. Tell him that you realize that he thinks this young girl is hot but it is not ok to outwardly ogle her or flirt with her. All that he needs is for her to tell someone that Mr X is a pervert and makes her uncomfortable. This kind of thing has a way of snowballing out of control and the innocent appear guilty. Not to mention I am sure this is horrifying for your daughter.

I can tell you that if you are feeling weird/ insecure about this, that your daughter's friend is probably feeling the same way. If your husband mentions the flirting with guys thing again, I would discuss with him that it is inappropriate, and it makes your daughter and her friend uncomfortable. Not to mention you as well.

I know because this would happen to me when I was a teenager. It was very uncomfortable and I ended up meeting my friend at my home instead.

This would definitely bother me. I can understand him "checking her out" and making a "cute" comment the first time she came to your house but anything after that is too much and kind of creepy.

My teenage daughter has friends over all the time and I've NEVER seen my husband checking them out and he's NEVER made a comment to any of them. He usually says hi to them and then he'll be in a different room the whole time they're here.

My teenage son has friends come over also and sure, I've looked at them but never really "checked them out"! The only thing I ever do is when/if my daughter tells me she thinks one of them is cute, I'll glance at him and say yes or no, but that's about it. I've never made any comments in front of them.

I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it YET, but I would definitely make sure your husband knows his actions bother you! If it continues, you may just have to tell your daughter not to bring her around.

Good luck!!

I think the fact that this girl is a friend of his daughter's makes your husband's sneaky perving exceptionally inappropriate. Reminds me of American Beauty.

If I were you I'd tell him you've noticed, your feelings are hurt, and that he has to quit it.

wow, the bigger issue here is that he is checking out a TEENAGER. I don't care how old she is or how young you are she is a friend of your daughters and that is wrong in so many ways. You need to talk to him.

Your daughter's friend is old enough to be his daughter. This attraction and comments is more than a little creeping me out. I would talk to hubby about it from that vantage point. I also love the idea of less visits from that friend while hubby is home.

Your gutt on this is spot on and I wouldn't ignore it.

i dont think it would bother me that much.. mayeb make me a little irritated but nothing more then that.. if u wana bring it up without seeming a little nutty.. id wait til the kids cant hear u or leave the house or whatever and say shes a hottie isnt she? u liike em young these days and laugh.. that way he'll know that what hes doing is noticable but he wont think youre overly serious about it and it shouldnt cause an argument.. probably just make him really embarrassed that what hes doing is noticable

let me tell you something, if YOU notice it, I can bet you anything that this girl already noticed it.
When I was a teen (15) I remember my own father checking out my friends every time they came over to visit or for sleep overs. he even mentioned it to my mom one time, about how beautiful my friends were.

He would just come over wherever we were in the house and try to act "cool" and start conversations about boys and he would smell like beer. ugh, I felt like saying: Dad please get your sh!t together.

It was really embarrassing for me, my friends absolutely knew he was checking them out; oh and those girls never came back to my house. maybe they mentioned it to their parents who knows.

Fortunately they friended me on FB years later and both of them are married now and have beautiful children, we always comment on each other's pictures and we are still friendly thank goodness(we are all in our mid thirties now). I'm PRAYING they don't remember my dad though LOL.

I would feel very uncomfortable if my husband was this way with my daughter's friend, and I would def address it.
I don't have much advice but to tell you that he should cut it out, he might make your daughter's friend really uncomfortable.

I'd worry more about him making your daughters friend uncomfortable... I think you did the right thing by asking him not to make the comments to the girls about flirting. I'd leave it at that.

Or if it doesn't tone down I'd be matter of fact about it with him--"Hon, I know she's really quite striking and I sometimes do a double take myself, but you really have to check yourself- I caught you staring today! We want her to be comfortable coming over here y'know? " Don't act mad, jealous, or insecure... I'd be more humorous and open about it (I mean open between you two, not in front of the girls)

I am proud of you for asking this question. Many moms would simply hide from it.

I would try to find a way for the girl to not come over without alarming my daughter. Hmmm. It looks as though your daughter informs you of it ahead of time---I would say, I was planning on mopping the whole house Friday night. Why don't you girls meet at her house? The movies? The park? The freeway? The planet Saturn... everytime she announces the girls' visit--try to find something to clean...

I have seen this at our country club. Sometimes a group of teenage girls will come in, and let's face it, physically they are young women and many of them are strikingly beautiful. I have witnessed my husband along with many other men take notice. Hell, even I have stared at some of these girls! They are young and confident and all silky hair and smooth skin and long legs.
Ah, youth :(
If your husband was just noticing this girl I wouldn't let it bother you. Flirting or being otherwise inappropriate is another thing, that would definitely bother me, and I would say something to him.
My 19 year old son has a friend who looks EXACTLY like Zac Efron and it makes me feel so awkward, I mean, I've known this kid since he was six! But my God he has grown into a gorgeous young man. It's hard not to notice. Of course that's all I do, I just notice it, I have no interest in being the type of woman who flirts with her son's friends. Hopefully your husband feels the same way and has clear and appropriate boundaries :)

Well it's innapropriate, but mostly with concern to the girl. The idea of your husband actually "making a move" on this person is I'm assuming a long shot. But the idea that he's technically sexualizing her by making conversation only about flirting, boys etc. is just not cool. (This is my women studies days coming into play so bear with me ;) She may feel uncomforable or, even worse, she might like the attention and take is as a compliment, which is understandable but still not appropriate. Anyway, he really should be sticking to more appropriate conversations... if you bring it up with him, do it with that perspective... that it's about the girl and how she should be treated. You could even say to him "wouldn't it be kind of creepy if our daughter's friend's dad was talking to our daughter about that stuff?" and see if that peaks his interest.

It's tough because he's just being a guy and his awkward teenage days may be resurfacing but it doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything.

Am I the only one who read this and doesn't see where he was flirting with her? Unless I read it wrong he comments about them flirting with other guys, so what? No where does it say he is hot for her, he just checked her out. No where does it say he is going after her....

He is just trying to be cool and hip, ya know, talk to the youngins on their terms. Sure we adults do it all wrong because we are old and the language has changed. Still there is nothing wrong with it.

You really need to get a grip on your insecurity because it will make you miserable.

Okay really he is pervy? I check out my daughters friends. Some of them are damn beautiful some cute guys too. Does that make me pervy? How about that I even discuss it with my husband? Then we talk about how that one is going to break hearts. Beauty, brains, personality, probably does toy or flirt with the guys. This is all very normal, unless you are insecure.

American Beauty. Gross.
I don't think you would look at a teenage boy and think he was attractive. You can't think of this young boy as a sexual being without in turn thinking of your son as a sexual being - and that's the gross factor! Maybe men don't think that way, but my women friends do.

I don't think you being bothered by this shows your insecurity, it's just an uncomfortable situation, because it's totally innapropriate. I would tell my husband to be more respectful of the girl and your daughter. If you're daughter is catching on to this she will be so embarassed.

Or he's secure enough in your marriage that he doesn't need to sneak to flirt.

But yeah - flirting with the son's date, off limits. That's a very quick way top screw uip a father/son relationship. I know, been there.

I wouldnt feel insecure, I dont think that is warranted in this particular case.
I'm sure most of our men check out young girls on the street on a daily basis, that's what they do.

Daddy is realizing his baby daughter has grown and is out and about, so he, in his own way, is trying to feel the girls out by talking about flirting-- basically trying to find out where his daughter and her friend's head is on the subject. In his own way he is "protecting" his daughter by engaging in these conversations.

Now if your daughters friend was homely and they were getting ready to go out on the town, maybe Daddy wouldnt feel like he needs to worry about the boy attraction and wouldnt have that kind of conversation with the girls.

I wouldnt let husband know that you were feeling jealous but I would bring up a conversation about how all these young female hormones in the home are going to be an interesting ride for the both of you, and throw in some tips on how NOT to make any of your daughters friends feel uncomfortable in your home. He is a dad, he can try to bring himself to their level and have silly conversations with them, but he shouldnt let his daughter or her friends ever see him giving them the old up and down---that would be inappropriate. He shouldnt be afraid to tell them before they go out the door "You girls look pretty beautiful, watch out for the guys, because you will be turning some heads tonight, have a good time".
Girls need to hear dads say things like that for self esteem purposes.

My daughter is beautiful as are her friends. My husband sees them as her friends and I can honestly say all he has ever said or done is "wow, susie such is a cutie". That's it! My son, on the other hand, is the perv! :)

I will also say that my daughter has been your daughter's friend. She had a father who in her words "creeped her out". She never said anything to her friend but she stopped going over to her house.

You need to talk to your husband about this. He may not even realize he is doing this.

He is being a GROSS PERV.

How would he feel, if middle aged men where checking out HIS daughter? You should ask him that, and then tell him to stop being disgusting.

Ugh.
First, let me say that I have a (male) friend, with a pool, who has totally admitted to me that he would go inside once the girls started getting older and showing up in their teeny little bikinis. The usual "I don't remember 15 year old girls looking that way when I was 15!" comments.

Trying to figure out from your post what bothers you more--your husband "checking someone else out" (marriage insecurity) or the fact that he's "checking out" teenaged friends of his daughter (creepy factor). Honestly, I can't tell.

Eeew. How very "American Beauty" of him...

Would he appreciate a grown man looking at HIS own daughter that way & saying things like that to her? I bet he'd have his shotgun out, wouldn't he? Because he's an adult & she is still a child. A child that is a friend of your daughters. Ick.

I think you need to call him out. He's being creepy, disrespectful, inappropriate & downright embarrassing. And your DD, she must be mortified.

I had a friend whose dad had wandering eyes... as a teenage girl, it was creepy and honestly, my mom wouldn't ever let me sleep over at her house because of it. I guarantee you the poor girl knows & is uber creeped out.

Yikes. I would see if your daughter can start going to the pretty friend's house for a while. Normal to notice an attractive person? Yes. Normal if it's your kid's friend and to start changing behavior when that friend (a kid, no less!) is around? No.

Hi T.,
It is normal to notice attractive people and yes, some of your husband's comments may seem weird to you. There is a reason you notice and question his comments, even if no one else does, and that reason is that one of the most important needs a man can fulfill in a woman's life is to make her feel like she is the one and only one in his life that you will be the only one he will ever want. So by understanding your need to be the most important and attractive woman in his life, when he admires another your security probably feels threatened. Men, however, do not need this from their wife, so when a woman looks at another man, it really doesn't matter to them, so they naturally think it shouldn't matter to us either. A man needs something completely different from the woman in their life and if you would like to know more about that, please check out the courses available at Marriage Works! Ohio. We offer free relationship and marriage education classes in your area that address communication issues, conflict resolution techniques, understanding and meeting each other's needs, understanding each other's personality differences, strengthening a relationship using the 5 key bonding dynamics, etc. Go to www.TrustMarriage.com or call toll free 866-548-3271. I hope this helps!