Last night my friend texted me saying that she was "livid" with her husband. I asked why, and she stated that he commented "very pretty" on a female friends picture on facebook. The woman and him went to high school together. My friend had never met her or heard of her before she saw the comment on her news feed. The reason she is so angry is because since she could see it, that means EVERYONE he is friends with could see it and she felt disrespected. She got upset with him and he removed the comment. That woman is married also, but posting the dumb self portrait bedroom eyes type picture lol (yes I looked at it).
This morning I asked if she felt better and she said not really. The thing that is eating her, besides disrespect, is that the type of picture it was. If it had been her in her wedding dress or with her daughter she would have been ok. But a sexy type picture upset her. I understand WHY she is so upset, but I'm at a loss of what to say. She gave up a lot for him and moved and I'm her closest friend. I suggested asking Cafe Mom, but she didn't want to because her sister is on there. So she asked me to ask you guys for impartial answers.
They've had some problems lately. He lost his job and was out of work for a couple weeks. That snowballed to him shutting her out because he was depressed. They are just starting to catch up financially, and I know other things are still strained. If any of you have advice, scripture, kind words or validating words for her anger, please share. I'm going to forward her this thread after work. Thanks.
Wow. I'm surprised by some of the rudeness and assumptions people make! I mentioned the strain of the past couple months because I think a back story is essential. A few of you "got it". It's not that he isn't allowed to compliment people, but the manner of how the compliment was made. My husband has told female friends they look nice when we go out. That doesn't bother me at all. If it was in this type of situation, it would. I vowed to forsake all others and cleave with my spouse. I would not do anything that would cause ANYONE reason to believe I had not. Perhaps nothing is sacred anymore. Well, what happened was he called and apologized this morning (he did not apologize last night. He deleted the comment and went in the garage). She explained again why she was upset and he said after he thought about it, he understood. He would feel the same way if it was reversed. He also would feel embarrassed if his parents saw it, which fortunately they did not since it was removed within 10 minutes. Since he understood her feelings, she is able to move past it
I'm sorry but I don't think there's anything wrong with stating, either publicly or privately, that a woman is pretty.
She and her husband have major issues if this is upsetting her so much.
It sounds like there are other issues that are putting her on edge. I personally would not be upset. I know my husband has good taste...I mean, he picked me right? lol
He should have posted "great photo of you!" or just "liked" it instead of very pretty, just a poor choice of words, no harm. She's probably pretty, which is all he stated! She's just taking it personally because of self esteem issues which could be from their relationship issues. I'd be more worried if he put a woman down than if he complimented one. Everyone appreciates beauty, nothing more!
If something like this has her this upset and angry, then her marriage has many more deeper issues. Good grief.
I personally would not think twice about it if my husband commented on a picture of someone else. He wouldn't think twice about it if I did either.
Our relationship is a lot stronger than that.
I get where she is coming from.. but I think she is making a mountain out of a mole hill. Was the picture pretty? If so then I don't think he was out of line... its not like he put "I'd tap that" or something out of line.
i would be livid if i were not permitted to give a male acquaintance a compliment. saying 'very pretty' or 'you look great!' is not a bad thing. i'm sorry they're having problems, but nailing him with anger and insecurity is no way to fix it.
khairete
S.
He complimented a friend of his on a photo she posted on her own Facebook. He wasn't hiding anything, like sending a private message to this woman. He posted it publicly knowing his wife would see it as well as their mutual friends. That's the opposite of disrespectful, unless your friend thinks that her husband is never, ever supposed to publicly acknowledge that other women, even ones they're friends with, are pretty.
It's not even like he made a crass, horribly inappropriate statement. It was "very pretty." If he had said, "Wow, you look sexy! I'll bet your husband ravished you after that photo shoot!" then there would be a problem. Or if he'd said, "Hot mama!" or "Damn gurrrl! i wish my wife wood tak pics lyk dat!"
So. No validation for your friend from me. I think she's being over the top ridiculous.
feelings aren't right or wrong they just are. how you deal with them is what's right or wrong.
Having said that ... you won't get validation from me for her anger. I think it's over the top and silly. It's NOT disrespectful to say "very pretty" or "you look great" or "very handsome" to someone of the opposite sex. It was a simple compliment, nothing more nothing less.
Now had he made some other type of comment that alluded to wanting more or that he'd do that or whatever ... yeah I'd agree her anger would have been justified.
Not sure what his having lost his job for a couple of weeks has to do with THIS issue. They should be happy it was only a couple of weeks and not a couple of YEARS. But that's a different issue.
Dad on purpose ... on facebook you can see anything your friends comment on unless you (or them) go in and change the settings.
Really?
I don't think that would be a blip on my radar.
But I trust my husband.
Sounds like they need to work out the "other things" that are going on.
Jealousy is such a non-productive emotion!
It was two typed words. IThe words weren't "SEXY MAMA!" or "TOO HOT!" for goodness sake.
Your friend needs to accept that there will ALWAYS be someone that is prettier, fitter, funnier, sexier, richer, etc. But the bottom line is that SHE is his wife.
There's a piece of information missing.
I would guess that Bedroom Eyes asked/hinted at some shaken self-confidence about her looks. Every guy responds to that - we don't want to see women hurting, especially with their self-image. I would have told her she was pretty too. (and I'm very much in love with my wife - and i haven't even seen this woman)
Otherwise it appears that Husband just was browsing through profiles, found her profile, dug through her pics, and made a comment on one.
I don't have a FB account, but my next question would be - how did the wife know he posted?
And lastly, I would advise against sharing the thread. Usually 3 people in a marriage is one too many. Even when the third is really really well intentioned. :)
No. It wouldn't bother me.
Why? Because I trust my husband. If I want to cause problems - I can do that and flipping out (to me that's what she did - flipped out) over a PICTURE and a comment) isn't going to help anything.
My husband was out of work for 10 months - there were more important things to concentrate on instead of a stupid comment on facebook.
Tell her to stop making trouble where there is none. Tell her to focus on the important things in her life. This W. is NOT an important "thing" in her life UNLESS she MAKES IT that way.
Tell her to throttle back some and trust in her husband.
so this was a photo the woman posted on facebook to the world in general? not just to the friends husband? the husband said pretty ? and she herself says it was. this i s just stupid. fights like these are never ever about the little thing that sets them off. there is always something else that has been brewing in the background and just needs an outlet to explode.
If the husband never made a "very pretty" comment about his own wife's pictures on fb, then he shouldn't be making it for anyone else's wife. Call it marital ethics if you will.
If he does comment regularly on how pretty she is, then perhaps she is over reacting a minuscule.
imho, their first problem is being on fb in the first place. I'm just saying...
This is why I avoid facebook. Because one simple comment turns into big drama. Maybe it was "disrespectful" or maybe it was a nice comment about a female friend. Personally, "very pretty" is actually a nice comment about a "sexy" pic. Now, if he had commented "Whoa, HOT!" or "Hubba, hubba", THAT is disrespectful. They have problems, and THAT's the issue.
There aren't validating words for her anger, because she's attaching it to something that doesn't seem valid. I think it would be more constructive if they went to their church for counseling or something to help them get through the tough times, which are the REAL problem.
Has he ever given her any other reason to be jealous? If not I would not worry about it.
Would she get mad if she had a friend come over to take her to lunch and hubby said "You look nice today" to her friend?
I think he was just being nice and she is definitely taking it the wrong way and just wants to argue with him over anything she can out of her own frustrations.
Take your friend out to lunch, sounds like she could use a glass of wine and some logical girl talk for a bit.
I think she’s overreacting to this, people that post expect to hear back from people and I don’t think he comment was disrespectful at all, unless he said “you’re the prettiest I’ve ever seen” or if this girl is a past love interest.
What I think your friend should really analyze is why this made her so upset? Was it really the comment or is it that she’s already annoyed with much of what her husband does and why? I think this goes deeper than the comment, because I really just don’t see how that comment can make you so upset; maybe I’m just not a jealous type person.
Why is she upset? He only commented on how pretty she looked. Is her husband not supposed to notice beauty?
The biggest problem I have with the "sexual harassment" laws is that, as a man, I cannot tell a woman I have any working relationship with that she looks nice or pretty, or sharp.
Its not that I am on "the hunt". I just appreciate beauty. I'll call my wife and tell her there is a real pretty sunset or ask her to smell the wonderful fragrance coming from that flower. I grow roses so that I can give my wife fragrant roses. I don't buy a rose bush unless it has a heavy fragerance. I get pleasure from growing roses for my wife twice, once when I care for the roses because I think of how my wife will appreciate them and once when I give them to her. And when my wife worked in an office close to where I live, I would cut flowers for her and bring vases and single roses for her co-workers. My wife didn't appreciate what I was doing until her co-workers began to tell her how lucky she was to have me. I would make blackberry tarts for her and her co-workers. Her co-workers even sent me a thank you card and asked if I would teach their husbands how to be romantic. None of that would have happened if my wife would have been as jealous as your friend.
I compliment my wife on her looks and how she dresses on a regular basis. I have even complimented her female friends on how nice they look while standing beside my wife. She knows I only want her and no one else.
Good luck to you and your friend.
It wouldn't bother me unless I suspected they were more than FB friends. The type of EYES she was making wouldn't bother me.
I think this goes deeper than what happened last night. Maybe your friend is insecure. Maybe her husband never compliments her. Hmmm?
If her husband had said this other woman was the most beautiful or prettiest woman he's ever seen that would be different. I think they need to have a conversation and your friend needs to work on her self-esteem. Also, she need not go deleting things from his FB. He's an adult and should be treated as such.
P.S: For those who don't understand how she saw it. On FB your "friends" can see any activity that you allow to be seen. I'm guessing the husband and wife are "friends" on there so she saw in the 'Newsfeed' that he commented on the photo.
Sigh...I'm glad I don't have these troubles...
I would hope that she wouldn't have her back up about this if their relationship wasn't shaky. In other words, I hope she isn't so jealous of him in normal times in their marriage. I disagree that he was disrespecting her by others seeing his comment. Something like "Hubba-hubba" or the like would be disrespectful, in my opinion. (And THAT would irritate me, not "very pretty".)
If she doesn't let go of this, he'll end up feeling dominated and resent her. I don't know of any scripture, but to me, it's just common sense.
They need some marriage counseling, it sounds like. I hope they will get it.
Dawn
I can't validate her anger. He said "very pretty" not "sexy" or anything like that.
Tell her she and her hubby should just stay off FaceBook and problem solved. There are not shortages of problems caused by someone's posting something on those stupid sites!
Shut off the computer and pick up the phone!
Jos,
I think what makes her angry too is the fact that she could have seen the post and responded,even with a simple "thank you"but with him already setting the pace for a conversation,it would have been innappropriate.I understand where she is coming from.I agree with the mother who said "if she were wearing her wedding dress"otherwise,that was not neccessary.It sucks I know,hopefully he got the hint and they can move on.Maybe he was feeling "less than"from loosing a job,communication is so key though so for your friend to say how she felt right away was good.He removed it and apologized so what else can he do?Now if every woman on his page had "little compliments",then theres a problem.Lapse in judgement,everybody gets one,BUDDY!!!!LOL
Honestly, she needs to talk to him rationally about how she feels about it. Overall, I think she may be making too much of it, but I do not know enough of the situation ... to be frank, I would probably not be making a big deal of it but I am trusting of my man and confident in our relationship.
No it would not make me mad if my husband did the same thing. I think both people in a relationship should be free to personally or socially (like FB) compliment others. I would not like it if I were told I could not compliment someone. It sounds to me like she is self conscious and jealous and that comment made her feel insecure. Good for her for talking with him and even better for him taking it down (even though I do not think that he should have). Sounds like they have an open line of communication and that is very important!
Ah, there was no Facebook in my day, but enough comments at girl wrestlers, magazine covers, girls moving, standing or sitting on the street and I was livid and convinced I was the ugliest creature alive. I also just 'knew' that my husband was giving all women the same bedroom eyes as he gave me, or was it me him? and they for certain probably all wanted him in bed, of course. Alas, this poor woman is still in love with her husband (and I am too but have certainly gained control of some of my passion and jealousy) and she while she is having a few problems with life is probably feeling as though a simple 'that's pretty' will definitely send him soaring into the arms of some babe who is peering out in cyberworld. Convince your friend that he DID not marry the girl in the picture, he married her and loves her. If anything, just telling someone that they are pretty is polite. I have said things like that to people (usually not guys, I say they look handsome or muy wappo, etc. etc.) Tell her if she needs some fuel to make herself feel better, then get her own picture up on Facebook, and wait for the compliments.Men just say things like that, even if she had almost no clothes on, he might not find her actually very attractive anyway, it's just a comment. I sit beside my husband in the car and I have grown used to looking at the boosookers on all women. It's called being human. Your friend just needs a big fat hug.
I'm not that jealous of a person and am ok with the fact that my boyfriend tells friends in front of M. they look beautiful or look great, although I think I would care if it was on facebook. Flirting is ok, but flirting in front of family and friends is not ok. I would've J. asked him if he would've minded if I did the same and he would certainly not like it, so he would've apologized and took it down and then I'd be ok with it. As long as he understood why it upset M. and we were on the same page I'd be over it.
Its rude and disrespectful. My husband responds to honey better than vinegar. I would calmly tell him that you think its disrespectful. Also asking him how he would feel if she were to leave a comment to another male that he was hot/handsome or what ever flirty remark you would say and tell him that is not OK. Truly its not that big of a deal and if he does this again I would be livid. I would also check his email and text messages with out his knowledge because to me this is just cause to search! I never ever find anything when I get crazy jelly but do ocassionaly search. Its been over a year since I looked because over time he stopped doing rude things like this and we began to respect each other more in how we treated others. If it were something deeper which I am sure it is not its easy to have a seperate phone,email and all that stuff can be hidden well. My bff found a phone her hubby was using to have an affair. Long story short they moved far away, he is now a chrisitian and they are working on there marriage. Stronger than ever. Its a hard blessing but the man was struggeling to feel Christ for his entire life. Wanting to believe and God placed him where he is now. I doubt the word of God could have been reached to him like it was. JUST FYI
Yes, it would make me mad.
Actually, I think it is disrespectful. If he felt the need to comment at all, it could have been "nice pic" but since he's married, I think that is too much too. In my opinion, it has nothing to do with trusting your husband. And I don't think it would make it any *better* if it was her wedding pic. I mean, I can't see myself commenting on one of my HS male friends pic, "very handsome" and think nothing of it. It just isn't appropriate. However, she needs to get over it now. She called him out on it, he willingly took the comment down so its over. Good luck.
I'm not particularly jealous at all but I would be annoyed. Not furious but my take would be that he posted it for everyone to see, her picture sounds ridiculous, and it was just unnecessary for him to say what he did. I'd be happy he took it down and hope he didn't do something like that again. Then if he did, I'd be getting upset. This time, I wouldn't make a federal case out of it at all. He likely wasn't thinking of all the implications... The friend who put a picture up like that sounds like an idiot and I make it clear to my husband that if he likes that type of woman, go at it. I'll figure he's an idiot too. But no need to make any tendencies like that public to all of facebook! :) If I were her, I'd give him a hug and say she's sorry she got SO upset but it made her feel disrespected and she appreciates him taking it down.
my dh would never even tell me if he thought a stranger was pretty....and he certainly doesnt have any other "girl"friends but me....if he wants other girls for friends...he can be single. :) but thats just us....and it works for us. and due to recent events facebook is out...facebook is the cause of 70% of divorces,,,just becuase of this issue.
