Infant - Can't Bear to Leave Her!!

Sounds like you need to do some soul searching--

If being a full time mom is remotely possible, you may want to consider it--not because your baby will necessarily be better off but for your own sake. Discuss it with your husband--can you downsize at all? Is there some other kind of part time work you can do from home or when your husband is at home to help contribute financially.

If that is not possible or not what you really want to do--rest assured your baby knows you are mom. Is she going to form a bond with the nanny/helper--of course and frankly that is completely desirable! As a daycare provider I can reassure you that children can be bonded to you as mom and still have a good relationship with me. There will be ups and downs even after your feelings settle down. One of my infants went through a pd of sep. anxiety where she wailed loudly for her mom and she had never cried when mom left before because I've watched her since 2months of age. She then went through a phase where she'd be super excited to see mom return but when mom put her coat on she'd reach out her arms for me instead. Does she call out mama to me sometimes --yes but that doesn't mean she truly thinks i'm her mom--at this point mom is ladies that give me food ! I'm sure we'll cycle through phases like this for awhile. Its all about transitions--kids don't like them and are especially sensitive about them at certain periods of time. If you are popping in and out during the day it could be confusing to her. If there is anyway to routinize your visits it will help. And--kids are always more fussy for their mamas--mine included. She is the toughest kid to deal with in my daycare :) Good luck and rest assured she is bonded to you:)

I don't work, so I can't help with that part. But I wanted to address having another baby.
I want to caution you against "right away". For 2 reasons. 1) I accidentally got pregnant at about 7.5 months postpartum. I was SOOOOOO exhausted. It was MUCH easier to be pregnant with my third while 2 boys ran around at 2 and 3.5 that it was being pregnant with a baby under a year :( My body was NOT ready to do it again. The recommendation is waiting AT LEAST a year. Women who get pregnant within the first year postpartum have higher chances of miscarriage and preterm labor, which is a risk to both mom and fetus/baby. 2) Yes, I felt like I didn't have much time to spend with my 17-month-old when my second was born. Right when I should have been reading to him all the time so he could get a grasp on speech, I had to deal with an infant all day. I really felt like we both missed out on time spent together:( There are 3 years between my second and 3rd (she's just 6 weeks old) and I feel like I got to do more with my second before having a baby again. And it's easier to have an infant right now because the other two are old enough to keep busy on their own for a while if I need to nurse the baby or take her upstairs for a nap or whatever. I could hardly leave my 17-month-old alone to do anything for my second baby!
Wait until at least your baby's 1st birthday before trying for #2, and really I'd make it so they have a full 2 years or more between them.

Hi N.,
I am a working mom and I had many of the same concerns you did at first. I now have 2 daughters (3 1/2 and 1) and believe me, they know who mama is. They really always love mommy best, no matter what. Their bond is definitely strongest to me, no one replaces mommy. At the end of the day, our family is all together, having dinner, hanging out, playing, I am the one who gives the bath and puts each to bed. Pretty much my evening centers around my kids until they are asleep (a little on the later side, so we can maximize time together). Eventually, all kids will go to school so it's not like SAHM moms and their kids spend all day together forever. My older one started pre-school and I try as much as I can to be a part of that, I take off from work now and then to be the one to take her to school and definitely go in for any performance or parent conference or something, we go to all the weekend events and birthday parties together. Sounds like you have felxibility in your job schedule to be able to do that stuff to.

Don't worry, as your baby grows, you will be close if you spend quality time togther when you are not working. There is only one mom, that's YOU! No one can replace you or the bond the kids have to you :)

Do you have to work? Sounds like you would like to be a stay at home mom. Don't rush into that second baby. Do a little soul searching. I was like you and we figured a way I could stay home. We sold our house and moved to a different city where housing was much cheaper and I stayed home. We were living for our house payment up until then.

All that said, your daughter will know you are Mama! I believe you will be able to bond just fine. I did not do it but have plenty of friends that did and all was fine.

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I have a 4 and 3 year old (yes close together!). I work full-time. I spend as much time as I can with them and my job is somewhat flexible. Is there guilt - yes. Do I feel I'm doing the right thing for my family? Yes. Do I feel my kids are well adjusted and attached to me/Dad - YES! We all have to make our own decisions, but she WILL NOT forget you. Give it some time... Don't be so hard on yourself and remember you will be a better mom if you aren't exhausted. When you are with her -make it 100% about her. When you are working - do the best job you can. Make time - even 5 min a day of deep breathing for YOU. And remember, you can always change - work/no work etc. Take it a bit at time. She loves you because you there, but also for the person and example you are to her (when she's older). Hang in there.. and for two... you do it and it works out (we didn't plan our son so early - but it's great!)

Hi N.,

I want to agree with the other moms in saying that try not to have another baby right away. It seems like you are overwhelmed/tired at the moment, and to have another child will make you even more tired! I'm a full time mom and I don't like being away from my LO and I also initially thought I wanted a second child right away. HOwever, I work with lots of moms who offered great advice. Don't have another kid until your first one is walking/running around and out of diapers. You are already tied up with work...having to do 2 diaper duties, carry around 2 children will be exhausting.

I'm not sure if you are able to, but if you can maybe get extra help?

It's great that you are able to work from home most of the time so that you can be there for your child.

As long as your child is healthy, your child knows who mommy and daddy are. =)

Please talk this over with DH and get his input. I'm going to have to agree with the other moms and say to hold off on getting pregnant with your second one. HOpe this helps! :)

I know how you feel I work full-time also and sometimes feel upset that the sitter got a chance to do a lot of the first with my son. However my mother reminded me that she was a full-time working mother also and she asked me do I remember sharing any of my first with my sitters or grandparents who watched me. The answer is no I remember the times I spent with my parents the family dinners each night greeting my parents when they came home from work, them being at all my events and my mother staying up with me until 3:00 am to help make 12 cakes for a cake walk for a school club.

Be a good mother and make the time you spend with your child quality time. Create routines and put your child to sleep each night if you can and be the first person they see in the morning. If you are present in your childs life things will be fine you are the mother and the others are there as helpers. Stay strong.

N.,

If you and your husband can afford to have TWO people helping you out, is it possible that you can cut back on the HELP and in turn cut back on your WORK schedule?

You may have been a "rational person" before motherhood, but you are not at this time. I agree with another poster, don't with a capital D start on another pregnancy at this time. There people who have 3 kids or more and somehow can deal. Wait until you feel at ease with your baby, your work schedule and your need for help (while/if you intend to keep working full time).

What is your husband's opinion on the current situation and the way you are feeling?

Blessings.....

What you're feeling is totally normal but you can't let it affect your work and sleep. You need both!! Your daughter will love you and never forget you whether you are home all day or not. If you are away during the day, she will also learn to be independent from you and to socialize with other people. I work full time and I went back to work when my son was 4 weeks old. At 9 weeks he started daycare partime and partime home with my husband. Due to my husband's job, he was the one at home most of the time otherwise my son was in daycare or school. My son is 8 1/2 now and in 3rd grade. He LOVES to be with Mommy. When I get home from work all my focus is on him. I watch all his shows with him, play video and board games, we go to concerts and restaurants. He drags out "stay time" at bedtime so I will stay with him longer. I just got him to stop sleeping with me (most of the time). Working full time just made the time we have together more important and more focused. Also he was so used to going to daycare and being away from us during the day that when he went to school full time, he didn't cry or beg us to stay with him. He knew we'd be there to pick him up when school was over. He couldn't understand why other kids were crying. (It didn't mean that I still didn't cry when we left him!) I felt extremely guilty for working but I had no choice and I explained that to him too.

It sounds like you're a great mom. Your daughter will love you and want to be with you no matter what. The guilt never really goes away but it gets better. You will be fine! Hope this helps!

How's this one for size?

3 of the CLOSEST families I know... kids just absolutely *adore* their parents, share everything with them, independent, thoughtful, lots of friends, etc.... are all boarding school families. (UK).

Their family time is FAMILY time... during school holidays the parents arrange their vacations as well (by and large, never perfect)... and they are *amazing* together. No morning madness, no fights over homework, no rushing around to activities and playdates... none of the drama. Their parents are authority figures, mentors, friends, and deeply beloved by their children (age range currently 7-22).

Shoe on the other foot:

Many of my friends (as well as I) do the "opposite"; we homeschool. Tight parents and kids who absolutely *adore* their parents, share everything with them, independent, thoughtful, lots of friends, etc.

And getting squidlike (how many shoes and feet will get in this example?):

The same durn thing can be true for kids who dayschool.

The same durn thing can be true for kids who have working parents.

The same durn thing can be true for kids who have stay at home parents.

No matter HOW our children are raised, nor our educational/time choices... love and INTEREST balances things out. Radically different upbringings all produce the same happy, well adjusted, tight families. It's all about giving it your all. Loving deeply, laughing a lot, laying trust, being there... whenever "there" is. Show your child you love them, help them through their lives (without trying to live it for them)....

There are about 1000 ways to parent CORRECTLY. And only 2 or 3 ways to do it wrong.

It's not irrational... it's good parenting ... whatever your choice is... it's the evaluating, reevaluating, figuing things out that means whatever your choices they will be the best for your family. LOL; might be *totally* different from MY best, or Jane's best, or the neighbor/sister/bestfriend/whatever... but it will be the best for YOUR family.

Yes--working moms have normal well-adjusted children!

I think the bigger issue here is what do you WANT to do?

Do you want to quit? Work PT? Keep working FT?

You, and only you, can decide what's best for your family.

You're lucky to have a helper AND a nanny to care for her but that doesn't mean that is what is right for YOU. Only you know that.

Personally, I work PT and that is the best fit for me and our family.
Things change. I worked for 18+ years FT, demanding career, travel....then after my son was born, all I wanted to do was be home with him. Culture shock? For sure! But overall the best decision I have ever made. I thank God I was able (financially, etc.) to do what was best for us.
You need to decide what's best for you. A happy mom=happy kiddos.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Do you HAVE to work full time? Can it be part time and always from home?

It killed me when I was financially forced to return to work (my measly $9/hr job!) when she was barely 6 weeks old. I wasn't ready to leave her, was trying to stabilize my breastmilk supply and I just was thinking about her all day! It took 3 months for me to realize I couldn't do it anymore - so I became a Nanny - made better money AND was able to bring her with me!

If you want to start trying for another baby - you really should spend as much time with her ALONE as possible because once baby comes she will never have you alone again.

Altho I did NOT intentionally wait 5 years before having my second child (I'm 4 months pregnant with #2)... that was the way it happened and it could not have been a better thing! My almost 6 year old is ecstatic about being an older sister, will be very helpful and she had 5 full years of just Mommy. Next baby will have a lot of Mommy alone time too since Big Sister will be in school during the day.