Inconsiderate

Apologize to daughter for blowing up at her and remind her how it feels when her friends dont show up on time or having to miss out on things. Also, the next time dont let her spend the morning with dad when you have commitments later in the day. He is a grown up and should understand such things. He needs to earn the trust back and yes a phone call was in order. Maybe buy a cheap hanging calender for him with appointment and such written in.

Wow!! Sounds quite mean if you ask me. You're pissed off at your ex but your daughter is getting the punishment?! You keep saying you understand she is 9, but I don't think you do understand she is 9! Keep on doing things like this to her and she's going to really dislike you when she's older!

Oh my gosh, I have that same sick feeling in my stomach from reading your post, that I used to have when my parents would do this to me and my sister when we were little.

This was the worst part of the divorce.. Having them put us in the middle or in charge of these situations.. I still have nightmares from all of that. Please, please, try to not pull her into this, try not to even let her know when you are pissed at your ex.

You will always be her mother and she will alway love you with all of her heart.

Her father will always be her father and she will always love him with all of her heart.

Do not place her having to defend either of you.

Figure out a way you and the ex can have better communication. When the communication fails, do not lash out, instead TRY (I know it is sooo hard) to leave daughter out of it completely,.,

Answer your phone every time your daughter EVER calls. How lonely , guilty and scared she must feel right now to have disappointed you so much.

Unless she has a cell phone you reach her at, I dont understand how this if her fault. Shes only 9! Shes a kid and if she was having a good time, shes going to be distracted. This is something you should have taken up with Dad and not in front of her. I think grounding her is way out of line. I understand your frustration and being upset, but its not her fault.

Sorry, but I don't see how this is your daughter's fault at all. She is 9. I don't understand how you can expect her to keep track of appointments at that age. I was really responsible at 9, but I didn't keep an appointment book! This is her dad's responsibility. He is the parent and if he tells her they need to go somewhere, what do you expect her to do? Refuse to go? If your daughter did that to you, would you be ok with that? You need to answer the phone, apologize to your daughter, and have a talk with your ex. Your problem should be with him.

You were angry at your ex and took it out on the 9 year old. She doesn't control where he takes her nor does she control access to the phone.

Follow the custody agreement to the letter. If you are supposed to get her back at 9:00am...Then that is when you get her EVERY Saturday since a flexible, play-it-by-ear routine is not working for any of you.

Not answering the phone to punish your ex and daughter is not helping resolve this situation. Answer the phone, pick her up, go home, sit down and have a talk with your daughter when you are in a calm frame of mind. The main point of this talk not being to pin the blame on her but to explain why you acted out of frustration and worry.

I think you are taking your headache and anger at your ex out on your daughter. You are punishing her, not answering your phone and that seems excessive. Work on better communication and understanding with the ex, your daughter shouldn't have to suffer.

Dont cut him any slack anymore. Next time pick her up at 7am. :)

WOW!!! This is in no way the child's fault and she should not be punished.
Yes, your ex is being a jerk. This sounds like the POWER AND CONTROL GAME. He is trying to control you through your daughter and it's working. Now you are angry and yelling at your daughter and taking away her fun. Now he can take her aside and explain how he is the cool, wonderful parent and how you are the angry, bad parent. And it will work, your daughter will start to see you as mean and demanding and angry.
I'm not saying that you have no reason to be angry, you have every reason to be angry. But you need to learn how to handle your anger and not blow up at your daughter. Get into counseling and learn how to handle situations like this.
I know it seems like a looooong time but you only have to deal with him for another 9 years. Then your daughter will 18 and his power will suddenly go away.

How in the world can you hold a 9 year old responsible like that?! She can't really stop her dad from taking her someplace - sure, she can tell him no or she could refuse or throw a tantrum, but if her dad wants to take her somewhere she has to go, right? It's him that was wrong, not your daughter, and you should be taking it out on him 100%, not her!

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When dealing with my ex we defined our separated/divorced relationship with a focus right from the start. Our only focus (and something we could easily agree on) was our son and what was best for him. In everything we did, every conversation we had, and every decision we made, we made a conscious effort to ask what was best for our son?

It sounds like you've gotten some good advice already. I just wanted to let you know what really helped me with my ex. We made a pack with each other (a parenting contact) and gave permission that we could remind each other "what is best for our son"? We never wanted the other to have to say those words and it has always worked out well to keep us on track. We have a great relationship as a result. We were able to be considerate and helpful to each other because that was what was best for our son. It wasn't always easy to bite my tongue and not say what was on my mind but I am so glad that I did. My son doesn't feel caught in the middle and I have another support when it comes to raising my son.

Good luck with your situation. It is really easy to get caught up in the drama of your ex being inconsiderate. You have a right to be angry but I would stop and think before you react.

Take care.

Don't cut him slack. DON'T blame or put your daughter in the middle.

I think, first of all, you need to apologize to her for going off on her like that. Explain that you were feeling frustrated because her and her dad both knew about the birthday party and nobody was answering the phone when you called.

I'd then talk to her about what the two of you can do the next time that this type of situation comes up. Your 9-year old daughter does not have enough experience under her belt to know that she should have been the one to call you this morning and she wasn't savvy enough to know that her dad was setting her up so that she would miss the party. But if the two of you talk this out and develop a strategy of what she can do and what you can do the next time she goes over to her dad's and there's an important event that you are taking her to the next day, hopefully this type of thing won't happen again.

Since your ex is the adult who put your daughter in the situation this time, you should really taking out your anger on him this time (and I know you know this). But, I have to ask you, is it possible that he woke up this morning and completely forgot about the party? Or is he normally just a flake or inconsiderate with your time in general? Sometimes people do forget about things but if this is a case that he's not very responsible or nice, then now you know that if you have a 12 noon birthday party, you should probably tell him that you need to pick up your daughter first thing in the morning. Sometimes you have to plan ahead and put irresponsible people on a short leash so that you can do what you need to do.

I'm sorry that you had a rough morning. I hope you can make peace with your daughter soon and that the two of you can develop some strategies for dealing with this type of situation in the future.

I would get her a cell phone with texting capability. I find that texts go through when calls do not. Then you can all keep in touch without yelling. It has done wonders for my relationship with my teen daughter.
If something was agreed upon by all parties and 2 out of 3 "forgot" then it is not your responsibility to "fix" the party situation. Since it was your day to be with her, there is more going on than just forgetting the party, they also forgot she was supposed to be with you. Sounds like a little more than just forgetting to me.
If this happened to me I would discuss the visitation schedule with the ex and if you cannot agree get the lawyers involved again.
By the way, I have yelled when frustrated and while it is necessary at the time to release the pressure, I now try to yell without having anyone on the phone or near me, much less guilt later on, lol!

It was your day why not pick her up early? Avoid the problem? What were you doing that it was more convenient for you to pick her up later?
So take a look at whose fault it really was, and while you are looking in the mirror then figure out you apology to your daughter- yelling at a 9 yr old- for shame.
If she was late then just don't go to the party, but yelling is not necessary.
But really you need to take a look at your responsibility. And once you do you will not be the victim here. And feel better, and plan better, so you are not yelling.
best, k

Holy moly, i'm glad you are not my mother. How can you blame a 9 yr old. Can she drive-NO, does she REALLY have a say where she goes once she gets in the car-NO! Why don't you show her a little love and blame the EX instead. Maybe HE wouldn't LET her use a phone. SHE did NOTHING wrong. Try blaming the right person instead of a little girl.
Because YOU and YOUR EX can't get on the same page...is not her fault. NOW she missed out on a special event. HOW COULD YOU??!!
I could see taking things away if it was a behavorial issue but this was
a time issue caused by YOU and YOUR EX.
YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!!

Your ex was informed she had a party to go to. I'm guessing your daughter also knew she had a party to go to. (Did she WANT to go, or was being with Dad more fun? She should still honor her social commitments even if something else comes up.) Either of them could have called, but the ex is presumably the grown up, and the anger you're feeling should mostly be with him.
Your daughter (and your ex) should be the ones to apologize to the birthday person for missing the party.
Since he's no good with dealing with a schedule, next time there's a social engagement, daughter doesn't go to see him that day until the event is over.