Inappropriate Birthday Gift

I think you should let the mother know it is possible she had no idea and may buy the same for her child or someone else. Then you can go from there. Just be nice and not accusatory about it.

Depending on how close to the other mother you are, I would say politely say thank you and be done with it. If you are pretty close- you might opt to ask the other parent if she is aware of the content of the book and point it out to her so she knows for the next upcoming birthday

Send a thank you and move on. There is no point in making them feel bad or causing a rift. Just get rid of the book. It is the thought that counts, right? If it had been something she already had, the circumstances would have been a thank you note and get rid of the gift, so I'd do the same.

I have such a hard time picking out gifts for other people's children. I never know what they are going to think is a good gift or if they are going to think that it is appropriate or not. I think that if I had inadvertantly given a gift that was not appropriate that my feelings would be hurt if they returned the gift to me, and would be a lot less likely to give a gift that that family again. Maybe try to return it to the store and get something more appropriate, and send the thank you note. It just sounds completely ungracious to do anything that would make them feel bad for celebrating your daughter's birthday, especially since it was probably not their intention to give her something that you would find too mature for her.

I'm not sure what the book was...
but I think that inappropriate is only relative to the level if the child's development and/or their parents philosophy.

At 12 I was fully developed and regularly mistaken for 25.

As a preteen I attended a reputable Prep school and some friends were already sexually active (probably 40% already). I then attended a high school that had a daycare.

I frankly believe it's better to face these realities (whether we agree with it or not) supervise, and be there for preteens through this period instead of sheltering them from it.

The sheltered girls were always pushovers and easily taken advantage of.

Although it is our responsibility to limit the amount they are exposed to- unless you home school that would be virtually impossible seeing as students are displaying and committing sexual acts even at school. (public and private)

You may wish to consider not allowing her to read it- but discuss the "inappropriate" content with her so she understands why you don't feel she is ready for it and has an opportunity to hear about it from a knowledgeable/loving parent instead of other kids at school.

I think it totally depends on the relationship you have with the parents of your child's friend. If these are people who you are regularly in communication with about expectations for your children, then yes, you should tell them your objections. Hopefully, your relationship would be such that you are of like mind enough that you can openly discuss your concerns and come to an agreement about books, movies, etc. in the future.

If this is a casual relationship, meaning you never talk to the parents and only cross paths once in a while, I'd consider this a red flag, and perhaps invite the mom over for a casual chat to find out what makes her tick. I guess my feeling is, if they think the book is perfectly fine for a child that age, and you don't, you have an ideology problem and ultimately this only marks the beginning of many more things to come where you and this family will be at cross-purposes where values and morals are concerned.

I guess, you need to find out now what makes this family tick, and what the friend of your daughter is all about. If you're not comfortable, maybe its time to start distancing yourselves and find friends that are more on par with where your're coming from.

In short, I'd be more concerned about the long range effects instead of the actual book. Is the book an indicator that this person's values is at cross purposes with the values I want my children to have.

While ultimately our children will leave our homes and be free to make their own decisions about life, until that time comes, it is very important that the years they are at home are ones where they can hopefully learn from you as their parent, how to make good choices in the future, without the added complications of peer pressure or the opinions or influences of others.

For those who say that other kids are already there with sexual experimentation and adult themed books, this doesn't make it right for a child to be exposed to these materials without the consent of their parents. And while the world is a changing place, and sex and adult situations are presented everywhere from television, books, magazines and the kids down the street, ultimately, it's the parents who know the temperment and needs of their own children, and therefore should be the ones to decide whether or not certain information should be shared with their children.

A thank you is ALWAYS appropriate whether you though the gift inappropriate or not. Think of the example you are setting for your daughter if you choose to tell the parents that you were not happy with the book. I think that would be worse than reading something that she will probably get exposed to anyway.
Be thankful that they bought her a book and not makeup or a miniskirt or something else that really is in appropriate. Books are supposed to open our minds not close them.
Send a thank you and let it go....geez!

Yes . . . . What was the book? If you feel your daughter isn't ready for the content at this age - then hold on to it for another year (13th birthday) when she probably will be ready for it.

And yes, I agree, girls who are sheltered are the ones that are the push overs and taken advantage of. Absolutely different than raising your boys! It is never good to be in the dark about things that realistically happen every day.

Knowledge is power!

It would be extremely inappropriate to give back a gift and/or tell them you disapprove of the gift. Because your daughter is most likely leaving your home in 6 years to explore the "real world", I would teach her proper etiquette on accepting gifts regardless if she likes them or not. Have her write a thank you note and move on.

I problably wouldn't have the nerve to give a gift back to them and think that's rude to refuse a gift. I agree with the other poster and just say thank you and leave it at that.

I'm sure they meant well and they won't know what your standards are nor should they need to. They took the time to pick out a gift which they thought was okay. Since you don't agree with the gift at this age maybe stash it away until you're ready to allow her to read it.

In this day and age, it's hard to tell what's appropriate and what's inappropriate in books. I would send a thank you and then hide the book (temptation might get the better of her when she thinks that she's a little older), then when she does get older, let her make the choice whether she wants to read the book or not. I think you'll be surprised by her choice, I think you're doing right by her. Next step is to take your daughter to a used book store to see what they have that would be appropriate for her. The reason I say a used book store is because they will have some of the older titles by authors and these books are in excellent condition and it's cheaper than buying new. You may also find that you'll also find something for yourself too.

I think everyone is on the money. Send the thank you note and let it go. People do "seemingly stupid" things all the time that aren't done out of malice but simply because we're all insanely busy or as one mom thought, went on a recommendation without reading it herself! If you and the mom are close, I'd maybe explain to her whats going on over coffee, but if not. Let it go completely. I expect my good friends to let me know when I've screwed up, but that's the key, good friends.

Since your daughter understands how you feel. I wouldn't give it away or toss it. I'd put it away until you feel she's old enough to read it. I'd tell her that the thought of the gift is what the thank you note is for, as even "bad" presents are better than no presents and that when she's older, it will be waiting for her. What's inappropriate now may be a wonderful read later on:)

Well you have to keep in mind I'm miss manners.

If I knew the family meant no harm and more than likely it was an error in judgement. I would throw the book in the trash, send the thank you note, and move along.

If it happened again next year then I would say something very very delicately about how you feel the present is too adult oriented for you child and could you please have the gift receipt so your daughter could pick out something more age appropriate.

But I would leave it at that. No sense in causing drama and making an issue when it sounds like you don't even feel there was a reason to do as such.

I would treat this the same way that I treat a gift that failed to elicit my child's enthusiasm. A polite thank you and then leave it alone.

What is inappropriate in your opinion may be mild and totally appropriate by another mother's standard- and it would be difficult, I think, for the other parent not to perceive a negative judgement of them on your part. Something to consider.

Good luck-

M.

I agree with your final decision. Good for you for sticking up for what you believe in and going the extra mile to be involved enough in your daughter's life that you know what she is, or might be, reading, and that she respects you enough to listen. Kudos!

From past experience in this area just send a thank you and move on. You don't want to risk offending the person. Return the gift if you want but don't say you did.

I would not return the book to them. That would kind of be a slap in the face. There are often times that I get gifts that I don't like and I wouldn't think of giving them back so why give back a gift that you feel is inappropriate? I would just thank them for being thoughtful and giving a gift and leave it at that.
So out of curiousity........what is this book anyway?? I have a 12 y.o. myself so I am wondering what book to steer her clear from! :)

You don't say what the book is about so I am offering blind advice. How about setting the book aside for awhile and then letting her read the book. You can discuss the contents with her and tell her why you oppose the content.
Please remember at 12 she is on her way to becoming a young lady, she is no longer a child. She sees a lot more in school than you would believe. I have 2 daughters and when my younger daughter wanted the cute bras and panties in Junior High I was at first very upset. I found out though that the other girls in the locker room(at gym class)laugh and make fun of the girls wearing the "granny panties and bras". You cannot censor everything she sees and hears allow her to explore ideas different from yours and how she was raised. Then talk about it openly and freely without judgement. I know it is hard to do but in 6 years she is off to college and will be living away from you for the very first time. It is better NOW to let her look at ideas and lifestyles that are different rather than to protect her and have a niave little girl going off to college. She will be less likely to fall for outrageous behavior if she has some knowledge about it.

L.,

I would send a thank you note and drop it. There is a good chance that they just got a recommendation from someone or heard it was popular and bought it for your daughter without reading it.

Or it could be that they are more liberal with what they allow their children to read and watch. We have lots of good friends who let their children watch things I never would. So we just talk to our kids about how different families make different choices and they understand.

Funny story - I am a little naive (and very conservative) and when we got our Dish TV I was programming in "favorite channels." I just picked ones by their 3 letter code not knowing what they were. My husband confronted me because I picked a long list of PORN channels!!! He thought it was the funniest thing in the world and still teases me. There is a good chance your friends are as naive as I am!

S.

I would send a thank you note and move on.

its hard to say without knowing what book it is, but you are certainly welcome to do what you want with the gift. you certainly dont have to let your child read it. but you can sell it or something. just send the thank you and .... if they ask you about it tell them that because of the content involved, you decided not to let her read the book until shes older. its your decision not theirs. :D
people are more happy with a ty note instead of a returned gift.

I too am wondering what the book is. I agree with most people that just say thank you and either return the book or hold on to it for you daughter until she's old enough. Have you read the book yourself?

Certainly thank them for the gift! We've been on this path many, many times - not so much for gifts - but for offers of meals or sleepovers. My son is terrified of the thought of spending a night away - and I'll continue to encourage him until he's ready - and food... we try to eat natural or organic foods - soooo, when invited to a meal, we feed him ahead of time and are honest with the family - telling them he's delighted to be part of their meal, and that he'd love to eat some of the meal, but to please not be offended by our choices... and many of our friends understand and allow his eating the fruits/veggies, but enjoy the time spent around a table, at a meal with friends.

My point of sharing those? I feel we all parent our children differently and have differing standards. Our children are also all different and learn things or accept things at their own pace.

Books? I guess I totally want a grip on the books my children are reading, yet I know there are books in their classrooms and libraries that I will never be able to control. I know, in my heart, that our 'open communication' will bring my children right to me - if they feel strange or uncomfortable reading - my son asks questions regularly as he reads.

In our home, in your situation, we'd thank them for the gift. We'd then read the book for ourselves (if we hadn't already done so) - and talk with the kids - telling them we feel they are not ready for the content, but that we look forward to reading it together and talking about it. If it appears they will seek it out on their own - then, no time like the present to share.

I would not tell the parents or other child we didn't care for the gift - I do agree with other parents... that perhaps mom was in a hurry and chose one without considering the content.

Good luck with your decision! Definately a person choice!!

Hi L.,

I was reading all the posts and just wanted to express how happy I am that people still talk about books! Whether they approve of the content or not, I'm happy that mothers still know how powerful and thought-provoking a book can be. As an avid reader and a professional writer, I'm happy to see books are still given as gifts and that books still have the potential to spark conversation.

L., regardless of what you decide to do, will you please break our suspense and tell us what the book was?!?!

Thanks!

Has anyone suggested that you and your daughter return the book the book store it came from and she can get another book you approve of?

Another tactic would be to read the book with your daughter and to discuss it. Or read it separately and discuss it in letters back and forth if your daughter is uncomfortable discussing the content with you.

I also think a simple thank-you and move on is the way to go.

Do not feel bad in any way for "sheltering" your daughter! The women on this board have no idea what the content was and they can not be the ones to determine if you are sheltering too much. That is totally up to you. Luckily, other's don't make the decision as to what is appropriate for your child.
As far as the gift, say a polite thank you and put the book away or donate it! A thank you is always in good taste!

I am the mom of an 11 year-old girl, also have a 40-year-old daughter. They both love to read, as do I. I don't believe you can "ban" reading material or a lot of other things people say they will not "allow" their children to do. Kids routinely hear other kids' music, discuss other kids' books and experience other kids' lifestyles no matter how they differ from yours. It is definitely not MY job to tell others how to raise their kids.

We live a positive, Christian lifestyle in our home. We are grounded, ethical, honest and talk, talk, talk. Most pre-teens are grossed out by sexual content, already know the bad words from the playground and think violence is a video game -- even if they are not "allowed" those games at home. My son learned the "F" word from the playground in first grade and got into trouble for it because he had no idea what he was repeating.

My 11-year-old daughter started reading romance novels over a year ago. She reads under the covers at night, she wakes up early and reads, she reads while in the car, she reads while using the bathroom, she reads while waiting for anything. I doubt there is ANY way I could keep her from reading a book if she was really curious about the content. I do not have the time to be with her every possible moment. It just becomes more exciting if it is "banned."

We talk, talk, talk about her books. I read her books, myself. I repeat that they are NOT real life. We talk about the words used, we talk about the situations. I stress that they are pretend. We talk about sex, we talk about respecting yourself.

Since my three adult children are remarkable imperfect human beings with warmth, humor, love and sensitivity, I can only hope the two children in my second batch will turn out well. I am grateful they read at all... lots of people don't read and miss a lot of pleasure and mental stimulation!!

We'll see what happens!!