In Need of Support

M.,

First of all, get the room mate out. That is one of the problems. Secondly, find a babysitter and the two of you go out somewhere and have a long heart to heart talk. Tell him your needs and listen to his. Try to come up with a comprimise. If that doesn't work, then try councilling. If he is willing to save your marraige, he will at least think about it. Being a fireman is one of the toughest jobs. I have several family members in Chicago that are in the Chicago Fire department. They can easily get depressed with what they have to see and do. I don't know how that is in your area, but most departments will offer councilling help to thier members who can't seem to come to terms with what they have to see and do on thier jobs. That may be another option for him. As far as you go, try talking and listening. Listening is the key word here, for both of you. If either one of you is not willing to listen to the other, then you have to start from scratch with councilling. I wish you the best of luck and hope that things turn out for you and your husband. Especially for your two wonderful children, they need both of you and it is up to both of you to do what ever you can to make it work.

E.

Roomie's gotta go. It seems that among all my girlfriends w/ babies, everyone's relationship hit the rocks around the time of the babies' first birthdays. Some made it over this hump, some sadly, did not. You're going to have to make your requests heard, otherwise pent up frustration will ruin everuthing. Good luck,
J.

Good Morning~
I have noticed that my husband and I are different than before we got married. We also are having some of the same problems. If I try to talk to him about our problems he gets upset, but he has no problems telling me, and gets upset if I get mad, like, oh well. Well, we sat down and had a family discussion. We all opened up and had a talk, and let our two children ages 10 and 7 talk. We all voiced our concerns, and spending time as a family came up. So, we are making an effort to spend more time together outside playing, cleaning house together and even watching movies together more. It seems to be helping. The childrens opinions really counted, and kind of woke him up. It may or may not help you. My husband took my daughter in as his, and it didn't matter that she is not of his blood. That shouldn't matter on your end either. He still listened to her and took her words to heart. I hope that you are able to get this problem fixed, or it will weigh heavily on your soul and whole family. I will pray for you and your family. God is always the first one you should look to. God Bless you and yours.
S.

My advice? Pray for him. You may or may not be a woman of faith, but if there's anything I've learned through the 5 years that I've been with my childs father, it's that I can't change him. I can't change the things that he does. Nagging doesn't work, it just makes him mad and more determined not to do what i ask of him. Men are not going to do anything that they don't want to do, and even if they do, the immidiate family members are going to suffer for it. Invest in the book "power of a praying wife" by Stormie O'Martin. It's available most everywhere. A woman that I work with gave it to me when I fist got married, and it's been a lifesaver! I carry it with me everywhere and rely on it often when I need help with my husband. Even if you arn't married, but living together, this book can be a great help. You can't change him, but God can. God can make a new man out of him. Remember that, and I'll keep you in my prayers. If you'd like to talk, write back, I'd be more than happy to chat with you.

M., I have had this same problem only my ex and I did not have children. It seemed like i was doing all the work. When we would get into fights even if it wasn't my fault I would do the apologizing. I was doing all the house work and being the man and wife and it sucked. Our communication was not very good. Later after we divorced he had some serious depression problems but would not seek any help. I think if you really want to save your marriage you should seek counseling. If he disagrees with this maybe an intervention with his and your family and close friends if nessasary, to let him know your marriage needs some help and that everyone loves him. I think it could help you both and if he has a problem with depression maybe a counsler could perscribe something to help him. You also need to really surround your self with family who can help you take care of that baby so you can sleep. I am married a 2nd time and have a 1 yr. old baby boy and I know what it is like not to have sleep, he still does not sleep through the night completly, but more than he used to. I don't think having a room mate is helping him either. But it will probably take someone with authority(counsler, parents, professionals) to convince him other wise, because he obviously does not want to listen to you. I hope you both can work it out.

Hi M., my name is D. and I live in Pascagoula and am married to a policeman,I also went through Katrina so I think I can understand alot you are going through! First, did you go through Katrina? Is your roommate male or female and what do they do for a living? I have to agree with the other lady, the roommate has to go no matter!!! You don't say where you work? Do either of you have family here or nearby that the kids could go spend the weekend with that way you and your husband can spend time alone with no one but the 2 of you! It would be great if you could spend a whole 2-3 days together and just hang out, talk, listen to each other, and just do nothing for anybody except each other! If the two of you have problems talking or listening then try writing it down and then swap papers and after reading them try talking...again there is nothing wrong with writing everything down if you two have trouble saying whats on your mind or hearing what the other one is saying...as a matter of fact it might be better to write it down first even if you can talk this way you both can't say well you said so and so or I said so and so and then the argueing of who said what??? Age has nothing to do with love but it does have to do with maturity! How long have y'all been together? I wish you alot of Luck but the main thing is to get the roommate out and to spend some time listening to each other without blaming each other...If I can help let me know I'm always here and I'm a good listener. D.

Seek professional marriage and family counseling. If he refuses to go... go alone...education for yourself and your family goes a long way. Perhaps divorce is imminant, but to try and fail is better than not trying at all. Good Luck!

Also if you dont mind the arguing, Leave his mess and his clothes exactly where he puts them. I.e., if their not in the laundry ...dont wash them... Quit treating him like the king he obviously isn't... As long as you continue... he will expect you too.

I feel for you and sorry that your husband does not seem to think that yo work and are tired too! He seems very very self centered!

The roommate has me a little worried. Why would he take up for the roommate over his wife is something that needs to be looked into futher.

Ok.. I may get a lot of slack for this.. but after hearing so many things on tv and the internet I have to wonder if he is maybe having some sort of 'relationship' w/ the roommate! I have seen and heard of a number of men and women who are married who have surpressed their gayness.

I dont want to make you worry more.. but you need to put your foot down. Throw the roommate out!!! Period! You are a married couple trying to raise a family not take in borders!

Best of luck and let us know what happend.

ps.. I know a large number of firefighters who have 2nd jobs as they work only every other day!

P.

M.,

I can hear your frustration and despair coming through your request. I can also see that you want things to change, that you are not giving up all hope yet. That's great!
You have been married for a little over a year with two children during that entire time. From experience, I know that having children that early in marriage takes a lot of adjusting later in the marriage, more so than it looked like it would when you started out. Plus, that first year is difficult for you and your husband. You are leaving singleness for married life, and it is much more difficult for the man than for the woman. My husband is eight years older than me and he had a really difficult time because he was so used to being single. We sought counseling just so we would have someone else to talk things over with and because we needed that appointment to make it a priority to leave our children for an hour once every two weeks. We have been married for 4 1/2 years and things are so much better.
It sounds like the two of you just need to develop better communication skills. How did you just "end up with a roommate"? And if this person truly is a roommate and cannot leave right away, ask him/her to watch the kids so the two of you can go out. When communicating, I have found that it is better to relate things from the "I" perspective. Such as, "I have been feeling......when ......happens." Instead of "You don't do ......." Try to make requests instead of demands; then your husband will not feel defensive when you first start talking. Try to listen to his demands, if he makes them of you, without reacting and look for the real meaning behind his words.
Hope things work out for you.

D.

I don't really have advice on how to stop it, but I have noticed that the first year or two is really hard on a couple. I think you should be confident in knowing this is just a stage, and your husband should get over it soon.