Should I Stay or Should I Go? - Clear Spring,MD

If he truly does have this severe of health issues, then it is greatly affecting his ability to function in life. He desparately needs to go to a doctor for help. After that, you should decide if you are willing to stay or need to leave the relationship.

You don't have a marriage, A.. You have an absent roommate. He is also only an absent father. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

Dawn

i have a VERY good friend whose husband has RA. It is a VERY painful disease...however...he does NOT sleep 12 hours. he has medication and yes, it needed to be messed with to get it right. So I STRONGLY suggest that your husband get another doctor and discuss the problems he is having.

I'm sorry you don't love your husband. I'm not sure what you are expecting out of a relationship that doesn't have LOVE in it. You stated you married him because he was "a good person"...sorry - but from my point of view, that's not a reason to marry someone. You got what you married - a room mate. if you want to change that - it's TOTALLY up to you. It would mean WORK on your part and you would have to put something on the line and commit to it. Not have one foot out the door.

Find a counselor. Find out what you "settled" and what you need to do to FIX IT. Then get your husband involved. Neither of you have communication skills for each other. How could you? It's not like you respect him - if you do - I don't see it here.

Being a single parent is HARD. you think you have it hard now? Being single means more coordination of child care, finances, time and so much more. Are you willing to put your daughter in day care? if the answer is no to that question, you need to re-think your situation.

Personally, I would work on my marriage. Having a broken family is hard on children AND the parents. Because being separated from my husband takes the "FAMILY" my daughter DOES HAVE away.

YOU MARRIED A MAN YOU DID NOT LOVE. Why, I know not. However, YOU WANT BETTER??? make it better. WORK ON IT. COMMUNICATE. Get your husband a new doctor. Get him new medication. GET INVOLVED with his health plan. COMMUNICATE with the doctors as well so they can hear from someone other than him about how the medications are affecting him.

Communicate with your husband. Tell him what you expect from the marriage. Tell him what you want. You state he loves you, is a great dad to your daughter...so start looking at the good and start TALKING. You are on a pity pot, in my opinion, and need to get off of it. You owe it to yourself, your daughter and husband to TRY.

Start a gratitude journal. Start noting just how good you have it - a man who loves you. A man who loves his daughter and is a good dad...maybe you need to be checked out for depression? I don't know. But I do know that you need help....start with yourself, a doctor and a therapist.

I hope that you put effort into your life and marriage..

good luck!

I haven't read any of the previous answers, but when I read that you thought you could never love again, I wondered if starting counseling for yourself might be a good thing.

I can't even begin to advise you to do anything else, simply because this is a situation which seems very nuanced. He's a good guy, you say, and has medical issues. There's a lack of connection, and you cite this really well. It doesn't sound like anyone has deliberately withdrawn their affection for each other, but that the situation itself perpetuates it.

Counseling will help you get to where you need to be before deciding to separate or not. I've been divorced and it does turn our lives inside out, our guts inside out. So, walking away from the relationship might fix some of your problems, and it will create others. Having support if you decide to make a big transition like this will be good for all of you. Good luck.

If I got 12 hrs of sleep per night I think I'd feel hung over too. I think like someone else said, there is more going on here.
If you leave, keep this in mind. Your husband would get visitation, probably overnight visitation....which would mean at that point, your ex-husband would be asleep while your daughter is needing care.
I would try counseling and a new doctor. There is more going on with your husband....medical issues aside, do you think he could be overwhelmed with the role of husband and father and is detaching himself by staying in bed so long? I myself would have to get to the bottom of it and see what is going on. But I would think twice about divorcing....I would hate to think of my child needing care while her father was sleeping.

He "needs" to get a new doctor and address his health problems. It is not normal to need 12 hours of sleep a day, RA or not. I have two close friends with RA and both sleep and wake like healthy people. My mother has fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome and even she doesn't need that much sleep.

Does his doctor know about the excessive sleep and brain fog? These are serious medical problems that have to be addressed. Please don't walk away from your marriage over something that can be improved with adequate medical attention.

He needs to see a different doctor and a counselor. There is a lot more going on with him than it seems or what the doctor has told you or you and him. He could have depression, or a bi-polar disorder .. something is very wrong here.

You also need to find a good couples counselor. You need to be able to explain how his behavior is effecting you and your relationship with him and his with your daughter.

You are upset over the "utter lack of connection", yet you said that you were "never in love with him". You have given yourself your answer. If you never loved him and married him because he was a good person, then how could you expect there to be a connection??????????? He is playing his part, he is the man you married, not a husband, as a husband requires a connection. Something intricate between you that is supposed to help you survive the bad times, the hard times (in sickness and in health??????)does not exist between you, so how do you expect your marriage to blossom and bloom(or in this case help you feel better). You do not love him, set him free and be a happy, better mother. Good luck.

Remember:
Even if you separate or divorce, you still will not have a "family" nor will your daughter... except that it will be even more, stark. Mostly for your daughter. She will lose her Dad.
Then, "custody." How can your Husband, if he has ALL those health issues and handicaps and sleep issues and sleepy issues and barely can even function most of the day and if he is SO introverted-- HOW will he, be a Single Dad... on his custody days, with his daughter???? He will not able to do the normal "able bodied" things with her, that a parent without health problems, can.

I know of a couple of couples... that actually divorced. BUT they still live in the same home all together with their kids. So that, their kids can still have their parents around and so that the kids do not have to CONSTANTLY shuffle back and forth toting suitcases everywhere each and every weekend, that they have to go and be at the other parent's house... if there were living in 2 different locales.
But these couples, get along basically but have no love for each other and divorced. They are good at being "friends" though. And the arrangement they have, works out for them. And yes, they have their own lives etc. Separately. And the kids, get it.

It unfortunate that you both got married even though you did not love.... the man who became your Husband.
I imagine, that he was always this way and you knew? Unless he was a totally different person while you were dating and then he suddenly turned introverted and OCD and arthritic and you didn't know beforehand of his health issues.
But then... you both had a child together. And you say he is a nice/good man.
BUT he is in his own world I guess... being he has so many health issues and is so introverted that it is a major handicap?

The thing is, EVEN for married people who do love each other... but the Husband does NOTHING to help in the home and is hardly home AND does not even parent the children... a woman in a marriage like that is like a "single" parent, too. Even if the man is perfectly healthy and extroverted. And some Husbands, are just NEVER home at all... even if they can be. They just rather go out with the boys and hang out at bars or play golf everyday. And they do NOTHING, for their wives or children even if they are able bodied and in perfect health.
So, which is worse?

You sound very disappointed... in him. But also in yourself.
It is not only his "fault."
No one asks to have arthritis, etc. and it is very painful and handicapping. I have relatives with Arthritis.

Perhaps, he can see another Medical Doctor or get 2nd opinions on his medical conditions, and see a Therapist for his OCD and work on his social skills.
Can't that be a way to problem solve this as well?
But sure, you and he do not have normal interaction that any couple does.
But it seems he tries. But perhaps, he needs to try other things if the type of help he is getting is causing a stagnation... in his progress or prognosis.

Is your Husband happy?
I mean, you are not happy with him & you don't love him, but is he happy with you?
Have you both tried marriage therapy?

He sounds like he could be a very good catch. He loves you and shows it when he can. He loves your daughter and is good to her.

He needs to seek a new Dr to discuss his meds and ailments and a true Chinese Doctor for acupuncture. Maybe an herbalist can help. Help him figure out how to get better.

It's not his fault or your daughters fault that you married without having love. But you should fulfill your promise, so long as he's not abusing you and it does seem like there could be hope in helping him with his disability.

Don't give up on him, your marriage, your family.

Get him to a good doctor. Start with a sleep doctor. He could have sleep apnea. Before I got my sleep apnea taken care of, I would wake up feeling completely unrested and nauseous, need naps, have a hard time thinking throughout the day, and my arms and legs hurt often. Lack of oxygen can really mess you up! I wish my husband had been my champion for my health because there were times when I could barely think straight enough to get myself to a doctor.

you can overcome a lot of challenges if you have a solid base from which to build.
i'm not seeing the base here.
my heart goes out to you. i'm sure you're getting toasted for not trying hard enough, but no way could i live like this.
:( khairete
S.

It sounds like you are completely exhausted, physically and emotionally.

It's very difficult to live with someone who is chronically ill. It's a family illness. It sounds like his illnesses dominate his life, and therefore your life.

Is he willing to work on any of his issues? Will he try anything besides medications to work on the RA? There are some phenomenal results with nutritional products and a whole network of people who help each other. Also so much work being done for OCD and other similar issues (ADD/ADHD in kids and adults, focus, mental clarity, stress). I work in this field and I can't tell you how many people have their lives back. Working in conjunction with doctors and medications, and using things that do not conflict but enhance, people are finding new hope. RA is not a death sentence for the person or for the marriages. Believe me, I absolutely understand the effects that chronic illness can have on people, and how hard it is to say, "I'm not sure I can continue to live with this sick person even if he's a good person."

That's not to say that you will fall back in love with this man. But if he's willing to do more, he won't spend so many hours sleeping. It's really not healthy for you to be sleeping with your daughter - whether you sleep with your husband or not, you're not helping her by having her depend on a parent and not develop a sense of independence and wellbeing during her own sleep.

I think you need a host of approaches - some counseling to sort out your feelings and develop strategies, a way to re-connect or to separate (whatever the decision) that takes into account your daughter's needs and the desire to co-parent, and some support and remedies for stress and more.

Happy to help you some more if you think he's willing.

Has he seen a Dr or a therapist? There are medications he could be on that would help, I would think.

Here is the problem.... unless he WILLING gives up his daughter.... he will now have her when you are NOT there. That seems like he would either shape up (which would be preferable, but if he CAN shape up he should do it so you all can be together) or your daughter will be put in a vulnerable position.

I believe that if 2 people are willing to work together they can have a happy fulfilling life. It doesn't sound like you have a happy life.

If hubby cannot find a good medicine to help him feel better and more able to function at a higher level then it's time to really really really make this a priority. He should be able to function and be awake more hours than this.

I know several of my patients had rheumatoid arthritis when I was a Home Health Aide. One had hands that were so misshapen they couldn't even hold toilet paper to wipe. Her living circumstances were rather sad. She had a young daughter who was basically having to learn to care physically for herself. The mom could not get up and down out of bed and was at the point she was about to have to go to a nursing home to live and daughter was going to have to go with grandma. The lady has since passed away from this disease.

Life with this disease is hard. BUT my friends that have it function within their means and have fulfilling lives. It doesn't sound like your hubby is at that level yet.

I truly think that if you have any interest in making a happy and loving home for your child that you consider doing a couple of months of counseling. This will help you delve in to the depths of your emotions and help you to fine tune what you rally want out of this relationship.

Hubby may not go with you but he may also want to. I suggest that he is depressed and rightly so. Coming to terms that he has an illness that is going to debilitate him until he dies helpless and dependent on others must be horrible for him to be facing. Learning to live with an illness like this is hard for anyone.

Well something had to connect at some time. You stood at the alter and said, "I do" and you made a baby with this man.

I am a night person and love it. If I could, I would stay awake all night and sleep until 2, but I can't, so I stay awake all night and get up at 6:30, an run on no sleep. I have mastered it, but it isn't something for everyone. I am glad my hubby still loves me, even though he walks past me and says good night alone. My hubby is not diagnosed, but that man has OCD. We just laugh and mess with him. It is by no means a deal breaker.

Is the lack of connection all his fault? Is there something more you could do, or is this all his list? Maybe a little work on both sides will help. You and him.

Also, I don't know much about RA, but read that red meat affects it. Can he cut back? Look it up and read about it.

I think your marriage lacks, but I don't think it is a matter of OCD or RA. Have you tried marriage counseling? After all you married him, so give it a try.

You need to have a truly honest conversation or just show him this post.
Marriage has is ups and downs and he needs to know how it's going on one of those Friday nights that you spend talking about nothing. Your needs are not being met. His meds may totally need adjusting. Or he is not making the effort. Talk about how alone you feel. He may be clueless. If he is the good guy you claim he is, then things will change.

You sound pretty depressed right now and before you separate counseling is in order for you or both of you. I really think whatever you allude to in your post is rearing its ugly head. Whatever made you think you arent capable of love or you don't deserve or need love is wrong. It's what makes us get through times like this. You need to be able to see clearly before you give up this marriage and end this family.

There are times we all want to give up. It's seems like how things are right now, they will always be. It's not true. Things are always changing and you just might need a glimpse of hope to hang in there. Keep looking and communicating. You can do this.

I am wondering if there is a group that you can attend via a nearby hospital. I mention hospital because so often they offer classes for those who are dealing with a sick family member. They have a lot of experience in helping caregivers (such as yourself) learn new ways to cope and deal with loved ones who are ill. Additionally, the groups can help a caregiver learn the difference between someone's TRUE ailment or what might have become a routine in terms of their behavior.

It's been my experience that sometimes those with an illness hold their family members hostage with it. I am not saying your husband is doing this, but it's worth looking into. Maybe by joining a group and listening to how other caregivers deal will help you along the way.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to deal with another's illness that we forget to take care of ourselves.. Why not do yourself a favor and seek out a group in a place where you can get the support you need..

Again, try the nearest hospital. I go to an OA group that is held in one and on their bulletin board they list various support groups for patients, family , etc...

Good luck to you

Hi, A.:

I understand how your life has changed from what you expected.

Before you consider leaving your husband, start getting your own mental health back on track.
1) Get an appointment book with 3 columns: 1 for you, husband and baby.
Get a weekly one from at-a-glance.com
2) Put the schedule of everyone in their column for each day.
3) Find a support group for C0-dependents Anonymous CoDA.org
4) Sign up at a gym and go everyday. Planet Fitness, YMCA or other.

Once you get yourself back on track, start setting boundaries on how you want your household to run.

When you get yourself strong mentally, write and I'l give you the next steps.
Good luck.
D.

Being a Caregiver is incredibly difficult and full of stress. It can cause depression, and much of what you're talking about.

I'd like you to check out Caregiver.com and see if anything on there is helpful to you. There's also a Facebook page you can check out but for some reason it won't let me post the link so I'll PM you with it.