I have a question that is nagging at me and I need some advice. While talking to my BIL (married to husbands oldest sister) he mentioned that we are both disliked by the family. And that he is probably more llked than me. To give a little history I knew my inlaws before I met my husband. I actually met him through them. We were all good friends, going out together, hanging out, all up until my husband proposed to me. After that things became so ackward. They didn't invite us to couples night. They stopped inviting me to any girls night outings. They started treating me like an outsider. My husband and I fought a lot about this, up until he started noticing things himself. Plus his older sister whom I get along with said she knows how her sisters can be and noticed some things as well. My husband confronted his sisters and his mom because she too was treating my like an outsider (she would have conversations with my husband and ignore me like I wasn't there) and they all denied it. Then out of nowhere things got a little better. And my husband and i didn't fight about them as much. But things are slowly getting back to the way things were. And we are fighting again, not as much, but we shouldn't regardless. So my question is do I tell him? I feel like this confirms what I've felt all along. But I don't want them to fight over this. But maybe if he hears this he will realize that I wasn't making anything up. I do know my husband though and he would want to confront this, so that is why I am unsure if I should. I guess I was just wondering what you girls would do in my shoes.
Its nice to know I am not alone. My husband has been noticing things more and more and agrees with me. Sometimes when we argue its because he doesn't agree with something I am bringing to his attention and he gets upset because he feels like I always find something wrong with his family. But then when his older sister calls him to give her opinion which is on target with what I was just telling him he will then agree and apologize to me. It's just so frustrating because we argue about it and in the end he later admits he felt the same way. I just wish he would agree with me from the beginning but I guess he needs to hear it from another sibling.
My problem with my MIL is the language barrier. She speaks english and I've seen her have conversations in engilsh with other pple yet with me she won't. She acts as though she doesn't understand. And with my SIL...to this day I don't know what happend or why everything changed. I just know that it did and it leaves me feeling so uncomfortable at times. I just don't ever see things changing because they are my husbands family. My family isn't perfect but I cant imagine not having them in my life. And I could never take him away from theirs. And we do have a child with another on the way and I'd hate to take her away from them, because they are good for the most part with her. It's just me where things become complicated.
My MIL's family would talk about me when I was in the room. They knew my husband was half deaf and they could get away with it. It made me maddest at him for expecting me to be around them. They did enough that we only see his parents and whoever shows up to their home on holidays.
So they didn't win and run me off, they lost him. Haha.
I would forget about it. Sometimes you have to just forget the people in your life that make your life not happy, regardless if they are family or not. You need to focus on you and your husband and kids if you have any. Maybe if they see that you don't give a hoot things will change. In the meantime I say that seeing them at holidays should suffice. I heard a good saying the other day "worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's trouble, it empties today of it's strength"
I would tell your husband. Why in the world would your BIL tell you something like this, if he wasn't a trouble maker himself? I've always had the rule, if telling somebody something that someone else said, isn't going to do any good, then why even tell the person? Yes your BIL told you something that you already knew, but he was also making trouble in telling you this.
I would shun them. I wouldn't attend anything with them-unless they were, God forbid, being lowered into the ground. I would form my own relationships that don't include them-bridge, tennis, volunteering-girls vacations, etc. -All with people who care about you and appreciate being with you and accept you for who you are. And if someone brings this to your attention- just say, "Whatever do you mean?"
I’m confused as to why you and your DH are fighting over this. Why? If I were in your shoes, I would just let it go. Your husband talked to them, it got better but now is getting worse again. They wouldn’t be worth the stress to me nor the problems it was causing in my marriage.
When your BIL mentioned that you are both disliked did he give you a reason? Seems like an odd thing to say without an explanation. Have you talked to the older sister about what is going on?
I say tell your husband. If he chooses to stand up for you - that is great! That is exactly what he should do. It is better than you holding this in. However, I think since you were friends w/ your MIL before you started dating, I would ask her point blank, in a non-offending way, why she began treating you differently after you were engaged. When she says she doesn't know what you are talking about give her specific examples. Tell her how you felt about her and the family before you started dating and how excited you were when you knew you would be part of the family. Then all of sudden you got the cold shoulder and let her know how much that hurt. Then go from there....
I pretty much Am in your shoes. My husband pretty much disowes his family, because we finally figured it out that his family is crazy. My mother tells me that his family is jealous of us. No one in his family went to college, and I am the only one on his family side that has a degree. They always say that our house is too big for us, our kids have too many toys...etc. I have never did anything to anyone, and I pretty much was a fly on the wall. We have stopped going there all together, because his family started to get more cruel, like inviting his ex-wife to Christmas. I wouldn't worry too much...start conversations with them first...if they ignore you then you know that they are just idiots.
Life is too short. Let it go, people who don't show an interest in being there for you don't really deserve a second thought. Go be with your friends and family that do care and do want to be together and enjoy each others company. Just a like a bully at school the more you react, the more energy you give them to keep hurting you and your relationship with your husband. Let it go. If holidays and such are an issue, celebrate them at your home with your family or with friends. Start enjoying life instead of analyzing the why people don't like me for who I am.
Don't try. Never chase people like this. State your case to your husband. Let him know you have no interest in trying to "fix" it, and go about your business without them. Annoying!
just let it go and limit your time with them. simple. you don't need to be hanging out with them if for whatever reason, they don't like you. just be done with it. it really isn't worth fighting about with your husband, neither one of you needs the extra stress. he can go to their outings and take your kids too. you don't have to feel obligated to be around people who clearly don't want you around. make some new friends, get some new hobbies and let it go. i did this after i kicked out my crappy ex husband and my life has gotten so much better since then. maybe it had to do with turning 40 and realizing life is too short to waste it being unhappy and doing things you don't want to do. good luck!
