Will and Who to Leave Child With?

Just something that was recommended by a lawyer we talked with a while back...If you have a sister (or anyone specific) that you love, but you don't like their spouse, then leave the kids only to that sister. Not to both of them. This way, should they ever divorce, the sister automatically gets them, and the spouse can't fight for custody. Not too optimistic about the marriage, but if you're left with few other options, it may work.

Hi, C. L.

I am absolutely thrilled that you and your husband are taking steps to insure the welfare of your children. I am particularly drawn to the response you received from Kellie. Pray on it! It will come to you.

Thank you for what you are doing. Even after 911, the majority of people don't realize that should something happen to them, the state in which they reside will determine where the children will go. It's just a tragic situation made more tragic for the children. Kudos to you and your husband for having the foresight and best interests of your children at heart.

God Bless You!!!
A.

My husband and I went through the same thing in creating our Trust. The Living Trust is the best way to go as it cannot be contested in a court. Wills can be contested.

I have one sister and love her dearly. But I don't agree with how she has raised her son. He is a good kid, but still don't agree with her on several issues.

So, we picked my sister-in-law and her husband and then as a back up a couple who are good friends of ours. Hopefully we will never have to use them, but know if something did happen our children will be raised with the same values as we would have raised them.

No one has to know and if you feel more comfortable with friends than family, then ask them! No one in your family has to know. This is confidentail between you, the adults you choose and your lawyer.

This is not something pleasant but trust me after you are done, there is great peace of mind! Again I would encourage you to do a Living Trust and not a will.

Hope this helps.

We have had the same discussion. We are not comfortable with leaving our children with any of our siblings, and like you, grandparents are not an option. After some prayer, we looked at each other and suggested the same people - my husband's cousins. They were THRILLED that we even concidered them and most of the family thought they were the perfect choice also. I guess the biggest thing is - don't make a big deal about it in front of any family members and if it happens to come out that you asked someone other than them - they just have to deal with it.

Prayer and trust that God will give you the best answers will get it done much faster. :-)

Good Luck!

This is a very hard thing to decide. We have thought about the same thing. While we both have brothers, mine aren't grown up enough, his is a great parent but his wife is really bad. As for Grandparents they just can't take care of our 3 boys. So we asked my best friend, who is also their god mother. We know she would do an awesome job raising them the way we would want. She's even willing to move from Mississippi where her life is to Northern MI so that my kids wouldn't have to be away from their family. We have choosen not to discuss this with family as to not upset anyone.

Actually contrary to popular belief ANYONE can contest you choice in guardianship. If you specifically do not want your sisters to have the children make sure to put in your will.
We have considered------( person) and have found them to be unsuitable guardians for our children. that will tell the judge that you didn't accidently not think of that person. You can chose anyone you want to take care of your children. Keep in mind that you may need to update.
for instance the cousin we had picked is married and has since had 3 children of her own. there is no way she would be able to raise all 6 children. I personally am unlikely to pick a friend because I want my children to be with family...someone who really knows my tree. someone who knows our heritage, when we came to this country, the funny stories from when i was a kid, my Grandparents, our families medical past, mental health past...someone who could teach them family history.....just me
Family history is super important to me. If I am not going to be here I want them to know that their family has a history of breastcancer. How strongly her Aunt and grandmother fought etc....

We had a similar situation, we really wanted to name one of my close girlfriends but she was not married at the time and so we opted away from that. However, that was the only reason we did not choose her-and I am sure it would have raised some eyebrows in our families since is not come from the same background as we do and our families are a lot less open minded then we are. We ended up choosing my sister who is much older than us, but really she was our best option. This is a really hard decision, but when you think about it people choose friends for God Parents all the time, so I say if you are more comfortable with them then use them-plus if you are really close they probably see them more than family which can justify it because if the unthinkable did happen would the kids want to go with a relative they do not see that much or your best friend that they see on a regular basis.

Talk to an experienced attorney. We were told the laws in Michigan will send all custody issues to probate even with a will and/or trust. You can specify choices but family will almost always be picked over friends. We weren't thrilled but decided to make the best of it and put alot of things in writing to family and closest friends. Hope this helps.

I'd go with friends if you trust them to be safe and raise your child like you'd do! My parents and our best friends family did that for each other. We actually have talked about asking a good friend of our family to do that for us as well, mostly because our siblings are not in a position to care for the kids and our parents (who would raise them ok) just don't have the finances to do it, and all 4 work full time. Go with your gut feeling on this one. This isn't about pleasing family, its about doing what's best for your child. Its up to you if you even want to discuss with your family why you didn't choose them, but obviously you'd need to discuss it with the friends you're choosing. :)

Best wishes!

Try to pick someone that has the same values and beliefs that you do. Someone that will raise your child in the way close to how you do.......it isn't easy but you don't want to worry about upsetting someone and picking them just because they would be sad. Pick them for the right reasons since it is your sons life. Good luck!

While my sister was the best choice, she lives too far away. We thought in the event that our children lost their parents, we didn't want them switching schools, churches etc. We found someone in the same district, religous beliefs and values. That is more important than blood in my opinion. Keep it updated as things do change. Also we have a separate Executor of our estate to handle the financial aspect. This keep the fear of the "guardian" spending your kids inheritance. It's a check and balance system. Remember you can put someone down today and change it in a year if things change.

I have a friend that has 8 kids at home... They talked to one of their friends (They have 7 kids themselves) and agrees that IF anything happens to either of the families parents that the other family would take their kids... Yes, large families lol but hey, things are cheaper by the dozen right?

Yes, if the friends are willing, why not.... Just make your wishes known to the sisters so that they don't try to "fight" the friends for the kids...

We do have ours all put together did it about 6 yrs ago and it was a tough choice I wanted my sister but not her husband. Then I thought long and hard about it and realized even though I don't love my BIL my sister would spend her life reminding the kids of me and her styles and mannerisms would be the same as mine and the kids would be with family and although family can be questionable family is family and helped make us who we are.
I lost my dad about 4 years ago and the problems I have now are there are not a lot of ppl that I can talk to about my dad and remember all those memories. I just don't think a friend can offer as much of that. As my kids get older I really believe we made the right choice cuz their needs change as they get older and now the concerns I have w/ my BIL are still there but I think my kids at this age could overcome them. Think about what your son might need in 5 or 10 years could your sisters offer that?
Someone I think mentioned you can change the info which I know you can but changing the trust is not going to be a priority in a year or 3 or 5 years. And will you really remember to change it at the very point that it will need to be changed? I know I am not that good:)
A lot for you to think about - good luck!

Hi C.,

I am an only child and my husband is 1 of 5 kids. His family belongs to a religion that my husband and I would NEVER want our children raised in. Therefore, if something happens to both of us, we needed a friend to step in. We were lucky that our first daycare provider was absolutely fabulous. She never had children herself, but truly loves my children. She has them over even though they haven't been in her direct care for about 4 years. She is the primary, but we also have my best friend lined up if something happens to our primary choice.

Not having family care for your children is fine. You just need to find someone to love your children, help them through the the emotions and who has the same morals/beliefs that you have.

C.

C.

My husband and I are struggling with this right now as we decided with tax money to make out a living will and testament.

When my first son was born I asked my best friend of 20 years to be his guardian if anything happened. After a few months I realized that she wasn't actually the best choice. One, she lives 3 hours away, and I didn't want to burden her with constant trips out here to see family. The other main reason was she is religious and my husband and I are not. We started thinking of people in our lives who are similar to us in the things that are important to us and came up with my friend whom I met in college and have been friends with for over 10 years now. She will be our first choice and my husband has asked one of his friends as a backup in case anything happens to her too.

It is an awesome responsibility but most likely not one that will ever get filled. Good luck! Oh and I should mention since you mention friends vs. sisters, I have a sister whom is my best friend in the whole world! But she did not do that great of a job with her own children and I have no problem with saying she will never raise my children even though she is such an important part of my life. Don't hesitate to ask a friend!

Actually, friends is a GREAT idea, because then you won't have the issue of one side of the family keeping him from the other side of the family. You could even specify to the friend that you would like your son to have visitation equally with both sides of your families, maybe even with an outline to work with (school breaks, holidays, etc.) This was an issue my husband and I faced because both of our sisters would be likely to try and leave the other side out of EVERYTHING. I agree that you should just let each of the sisters know, but don't worry about them fighting the friend to gain custody. I think once you and your hubby have expressed your views legally on paper, they don't even have the option of fighting it.

I'm in the same boat, my husband and I finally agreed that we will ask a friend. We both want someone who will raise them they way we are raising them. For example, we are Christian and we want them to be raised Chrisitian. So we need somebody who is Christian to raise them...

C.; yes this is a very hard situation, we came across the same thing, we knew of a very close couple who adored our kids, and they were always a better option than family , due to circumstances, its best to talk to the people first though, to see if they are up to the challenge, because they will not only be taking care of your child they will also have to be strong enough to go against your family if they so want to fight it, i think it should be openely discussed and it may be beneficial for family to know or to not to know, alot depends on what they will do when you are gone, and no one knows that reaction, and its best for the child to go into a loving home than one divided on whether or not to have the child here, they at that point will need family and close freinds to get over their demise at that time, and hopefully it wont happend, we have been married now for 27 years and our kids are now almost old enough to be cared for by themselves, if it happens but they also know they are to be cared for by this loving couple, so they know they have a support system, and let the kids know too who they are to go with and let them see why they dont go elsewhere, they will ask well why not auntie so and so, you tell them why not, they too will support your wishes, when they are older to comprehend it, enjoy life and its great to get things set up in a loving way instead of courts taking care of it, hang in there and keep your head held high it may just not happen that way, D. s