Over Christmas my husband, myself and my 1 year old daughter traveled to visit my husband’s family. We ended up leaving a day early because my MIL and SIL had a huge blow out fight and I was not comfortable having my daughter be exposed to that type of unhealthily relationship. They were fighting about everything from pain pill usage, to being an ungrateful daughter, to the mother being ashamed that her daughter is gay, to not trusting each other and there was name calling and swearing and screaming.
Needless to say my husband grew up with not so healthy family relationships, but he has done well for himself and gotten away from the family drama as much as possible and we have tried to have stable relationships with his parents, his sister and his extended family. I grew up in a ‘normal’ family where we all get along so I really struggle and get very stressed out when being around his family. Now being a mother I feel like I need to protect my daughter from the drama and I am doing my best to find a balance between her having a relationship with that family and also not being exposed to all the negativity. We live 800 miles away from them and I think that’s is a blessing at this point – I hate that we don’t have family close, but sometimes it seems better.
I am now in a situation where more drama has happened and I am doing my best to be the best wife I can and support my husband in the right way. He and my daughter are number one – but I still struggle with weather or not we should continue to work on our relationship with his family. On Monday I found out via my MIL’s Facebook (real mature!) that my husband’s horse was dying. Since I did not want my husband to find out that way I broke the news to him. He was very upset about losing the horse and he talked to his Dad and was under the impression that the horse had been put down so he was at peace. My husband was upset that his mom posed on FB before telling him and I support that 100%, I think she was wrong on so many levels. Well, yesterday I told my MIL that my husband was upset by that and she got all defensive saying it was her way of dealing with things which I think is selfish! She proceeded to tell me that the horse isn’t really dead yet, that she is getting shipped to Mexico to be slaughtered. I heard that and almost didn’t want to tell my husband because I knew it would crush him, but I also know he needed to know the truth. Now my husband is mad at his father for making that decision rather than having the horse(his pet) euthanized at home.
I know now that my husband is dealing with the loss of his pet, and being upset at both his mother and father for very valid reasons…. What am I supposed to do to support my husband? I am doing my best to be there for him, I am trying not to blame his parents because I don’t want to have a bad relationship with them, but I do believe they deserve blame. My husband basically wants to cut them off from contact with my daughter – which I kind of agree with between the fighting and the selfishness over the last month I don’t know that it is good for my daughter to talk to or webcam with them….? I do believe that my husband will try to get past his anger for them, but I think it will take a while – when if/that happens how do we protect our daughter from the drama…?
We did try to stop the shipment of the horse and offered to pay but it was too late. The horse is with my in-laws because my husband choose a life other than being a farmer - it was not just my husbands, it was the 'family horse' the one that he grew up riding, she was 26 years old, he is 25 - she it was his lifelong pet!
Also, they do try to be good to my daughter, they visit often considering the distance, but i cannot trust my MIL alone with her because she takes medications and I believe she has a drug problem (an entire different issue that I have delt with by not leaving my daughter alone with her.) They try to buy her love and though i appreciate the gifts.... I dont think thats the fondation of a good relationship. I was my daugher to have love and support and have good memories with her family, i dont care about having a million toys and designer outfits for her.
Right now cut off contact. when husband has cooled down he M. change his mind, but he M. not. To support him you need to do as he wished in this.
Your husband's anger towards his family although justified has NOTHING to do with your daughter. As long as they are loving and pleasant to her, her relationship should not suffer because they aren't getting along.
Yes they are wrong for not telling your husband the situation and being honest (and IMO for shipping it to be slaughtered) but if this horse was so important to your husband, why is HIS horse still w/ his parents 800 miles away? Is the shipping of the horse due to the cost of having it euthanized? If so, you hubby should offer to foot the bill.
Support your husband in his grief. Do not try to wrap all the family drama into this and try to solve it all. One thing at a time -- And that is grieving for a pet. I would also suggest (if there is still time), that your husband call his dad and offer to pay for euthanization. It is expensive and selling the horse to a slaughter house may have been the only option his parents could afford.
A couple other comments re: your question about how to handle this/protect your daughter....Totally just my opinion:
A.) Avoid calling your in-laws out. Let your husband do that.
B.) Do not talk negatively about them. If your husband needs to that is cool and you can follow his lead but always without adding fuel to his fire. Avoid saying negative things (no matter how true they are) in front of your DD.
C.) Unobtrusively "unfriend" your in-laws on FB. As we all know, FB is not the best way to communicate and presents extra problems when used to communicate with those we find difficult.
D.) 800 miles is a nice buffer. When you are recovering from a traumatizing phone call or visit, try to remember the other 300+ days of the year when you haven't had to deal with their drama. Press the "delete" button so to speak and move on. Do not let them make you carry around guilt and anger.
Well, you're 800 miles away, so how much "drama" really is she exposed to? (I WISH I was 800 miles away from mine!)
You & hubby can both go ahead and "blame" your in-laws for bad decisions. And call them out on it. You have every right. Him more than you. It is his pet. He should let them know how he feels. Families can't sweep things under the rug and pretend they don't exist or cause hurt. That is called denial.
I have a MIL who I believe is borderline mentally ill. All I hear is excuses for her behavior "She didn't mean..." "She NEVER apologizes..." etc. But guess what? To ME, it matters. I will not dismiss her rude, ungrateful behavior and I continue to call a spade a spade. I will not have MY standards, behaviors, etc. modified by what is "normal" to an unstable person (and family).
So, encourage your husband to express his feelings--all of them. Anger, grief, fear, sadness. And encourage him to let his parents know how he feels.
Sorry about his horse. Very sad. Can you two arrange for euthanasia?
I would give it time. He is obviously very upset and is not thinking rationally. Support him in whatever he decides now and when the waters calm, try to suggest that it is important for your daughter to know her Grandparents no matter how "different" they are compared to how you live your lives. I think you are doing a great job!
Good Luck!
I know that your post is from a little while ago but I just wanted to remind you of the importance of family. Unfortunately we don't get to pick who our family is but we can pick how much we see and interact with them. It may not be a deep relationship but you should continue to encourage the relationship with your daughter and your in-laws. You my not agree with the all the things they do (we are all in that boat) but as long as they love her husband and daughter you should keep seeing them.
Good luck.
Sorry but for some reason I can;t get past the "being shipped to mexico to be slaughtered " part of all this. What is their reason for that exactly?
As for keeping in contact or not, well cutting people off is a very big decision. Are they a good in any aspect with your daughter? The fact that they live 800 miles away is pretty easy to keep the distance with them. Maybe you should just send letter a letter around special holidays and birthdays with a picture or two. That way you are being the bigger person and still offering updates and photos of their granddaughter. Families are all so different, and you need to decide on what impact they will have on your daughters life.
First, how compassionate of you to try and keep an understanding and supportive stance for your husband.
You're MILs premature posting of the horse news on FB sounds like par for the course for her....she will continue to make selfish decisions with no insight to the consequences the rest of her life. Don't ever forget that when dealing with her.
Trying to set her straight now will probably have no impact - ever. And no pun intended, having a gay daughter that she is ashamed of....that she so outspokenly expresses unaccceptance of speaks volumes of your MILs inappropriate behavior. And the fact that she said it front of others - ouch. I feel the sorriest for the daughter right now. She will have years of aftermath with that scenario to work through I presume.
But back to the horse...look, you live 800 miles away. The horse WAS your husbands pet - meaning PAST tense...Sounds like his parents or the rightful owners now and made a decision that they are comfortable with. Sad to ship it to Mexico for glue or pet food but they probably made money on the transaction rather than spend money on an at home euthanizing. Or was your husband willing to pay for the horse services?
Regarding your daughter and webcam, from personal experience my kids won't sit in front of Skype unless it's their cousins and haven't been able to talk to anyone on the phone unless I'm right next to them coaching them with questions and responses.
It's a blessing they are so far away. You'll be able to keep contact to a bare minimum and with lots of debriefing time to discuss what happened. Sucky people like this exist everywhere, even in families. I would use any contact with them as an opportunity to educate your daughter on appropriate and inappropriate ways of thinking and handling life's many decisions. You're husband is smart enough to get away, but I'm sure will benefit too from having his choices validated.
I vote for limited, controlled contact over cutting off all ties, because I don't see them as evil people, just a sad product of their times and circumstances.
