What Should I Do About My In-laws?

Aww mama!! You hang in there, girl!! Seriously, sometimes in-laws can be the pits, can't they?? Here are my thoughts:

1)Some MILs or SILs or aunts will NEVER think you're good enough for their darling boy- no matter what you do, no matter how long you are married, how good a mother or wife you are- NEVER. You must NOT even try to please them- it can't be done!! If you know you are doing your best to be as good a person as you can and take good care of your family, no one has any right to ask more of you!!

2)Your MIL was completely OUT OF LINE to post anything like that on FB!! Seriously, I would be FURIOUS if that happened to me. Giving you a hard time or just whinging about you is one thing- posting it to the world is another!!

3)Your husband MUST stand up for you. The best advice my mother ever gave me about marriage was this: You and your husband are the mashed potatoes. As long as the mashed potatoes are good, everything else is just gravy!

By not standing up for you, your husband is allowing his mama to think he agrees with her. It is one thing if she is just being complaining or grouchy- I can see why he wouldn't want to take up every little thing she says. But something like a public post on Facebook is so completely inappropriate, I think you should both not let it go.

Here is what I think you ought to do:

1)talk to your husband. You need to get him to understand not only how incredibly hurtful his mother's attitude is- but also that taking her opinions public in that way is another thing entirely! How would he like it if you got onto FB and posted complaints about him publicly- calling him lazy and shiftless, saying he was a bad father, etc. I bet he wouldn't be saying 'let it go' if someone was putting that out there about him. He needs to understand that this is no different.

Say something like " I know you love your mother, and she will always be your mother- nothing can change that. But until YOU stand up for me and our family, you will just be acting like a little boy to her. She won't respect YOU unless you act like a man and she will not respect ME if she can't respect you first."

Ask him what he would do if someone ELSE was bullying you publicly? I am sure he would stick up for you- it's just hard because its his mother, but that doesn't make her behavior ok.

2)Invite the MIL and auntie over for lunch or tea. I would have a visit and then get out the computer, or say, "We wanted to discuss something with you." Face this head on- the thing about the internet is that it SEEMS very impersonal and distant. You can say things that you would NEVER say to someone's face. BUT- your MIL must face the consequences of her actions, just like any teenager making a mean post on FB.

Call up her page and ask her to read out loud EXACTLY what she wrote. She will probably protest and refuse to. She will be horribly embarrassed and try to leave or bluster that she didn't mean it, etc. THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

You and your husband tell her that if she has any love or respect for the two of you at all, she is going to sit there and say to your faces what she said online. Read it out loud FOR her and ask her, very seriously, if that REALLY how she feels about you, your marriage, your housekeeping, baby, mothering skills, etc.

I am not saying you will like the answers. She may just be so embarrassed at that point that she tries to walk out or just loses her temper with you. But you need her to see you and your husband as a united front AND that you will not be bullied.

I would end by having your husband request that she post on FB that her earlier posts were just a bad decision and that she apologizes to both of you. Surely she is looking forward to another grandchild- just tell her that with the baby coming, you really want to put this behind you, but she has to give you both a show of good faith that this kind of thing is not happening again!

I have to say- I disagree completely with the people below who blame this on Facebook or the computer, etc. A person's character is the same- in person, on the phone, or on a computer. The majority of people who use FB use it to keep in touch with friends and relatives and there is nothing wrong with that. Your MIL obviously felt comfortable enough saying what she was saying - and it is just the same as if she went to the middle of town and shouted it. Only the way the message was delivered has changed- don't get bogged down in HOW she said what she did. What matters is WHAT she said, how hurtful and rude it was, and what you intend to do about it.

Also, I don't think your husband gets a pass here. He is involved, like it or not. This is not a 'cat -fight' between his mother and you- this is his mother behaving in a very rude, socially unacceptable way. He IS the proper person to deal with it.

Best of luck, mama- *hugs*!!

ok i was in the same boat about 3 years ago i was living with my wife and my 2 yr old at my moms house and my wife was pregnant at the time. its tough it really is and yes people would make little comments on what my wife did and didnt do and would try to deligate our life. the best advise i can give you is MOVE OUT and stay away from your side of the family and his side of the family. its fine to visit every now and then but i will be honest it can break up a marriage real quick when people feel free to put in thier 2 cents on how u treat ur husband or child. and they feel free to speak openly because you are living in thier house. look no one reallly knows your relashionship with your husband more than you and no one knows what happens behind closed doors. do whatever makes you and your hubby happy. for example maybe he likes to cook and clean and you like working on cars lol... well if that is the way you wanna live ur life and it works and you both are happy it might be strange and taboo for oher ppl, but hey who cares dont let any one give opinions on your marriage or parenting. move out move out move out! trust me take care i hope i helped you a little bit

Do you and your husband and child live with your inlaws? From some of the things you said, I am assuming that you all live under the same roof. If so..is this your home or theirs? Do you pay rent or share the bills?
Please do not be insulted if I am WAY off the mark here...but I just wonder if you are all living with your inlaws...if your MIL somehow feels like she has lost her "Home" and somehow resents you for this? It is hard...almost impossible to have two wives living under the same roof....so much room for tension, misunderstandings,and rivalry.
If I were you, I would be tempted to do as Peg suggested...go to your MIL..with a smile PLASTERED on your face and your tongue FIRMLY in check!!! Tell her that you are aware of the things that she said on FB and tell her that you would like to know if there is anything that you can do, or NOT do, to help make the situation better for her...and for all of you. Try your level best not to take offense to anything that she says...don't argue with her or make excuses...just listen to what she has to say. Then, go off by yourself and think about things from HER viewpoint...see if you can't make yourself empathize with how she is feeling. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
Now...I may be clear off the mark here...maybe I have misread your letter and you don't live with your inlaws. But, even if you don't the approach that I suggest might work to help smooth the relationship a lot.
I wish that I had known that you were not living at your MIL's home...and that you are being a supportive and loving DIL By helping her since she lost her husband!! THat puts an entirely different spin on things!! I would start out by closing your current FB account..."defriend" them...or whatever you need to do in order to free yourself of that situation on FB. So many times hurtful things are said by people on FB and other forums here on line because we forget that what we say is out there for EVERYONE to see!!! It is ridiculous to allow yourself to be hurt and insulted in that venue!!!
I am so sorry to hear you say that you are actually considering divorce over this!!! Your family...your husband and children are so much more important that your MIL"s opinion!!! She may be suffering a lot of mental stress from the loss of her husband...can you tell if she has started acting differently since his death?
You might need to seperate yourself from the visits with her...let your husband go down to her home and do the things that need to be done. If you want to continue to cook dinner...cook it at your house and let him take it to them. Don't let yourself be manipulated but also don't let them push you out of your husbands life!!!
I have dealt with a "toxic MIL" for over 40 years now...you just need to learn to not allow her to upset you...she isn't going to change so YOU have to!!!
Good luck to you!!

i would just delete them from my face book, my FIL was in the hospital, we previously made plans with a friend and her family with my family. well, OBVIOUSLY we felt obligated to be at the hospital, but usually it's a parade on something like that. so hubby called his dad everything was good.

i bragged on facebook about the fun i was fixing to have, and bil decides to throw a fit on my profile, involving other's in his dispute for us to not be at the hospital. so i calmly e-mailed them all, and adv that it wasn't their place, etc, one more and face book friend will be removed and will not be welcome to call my home again. it all stopped (i'm sure i'm bashed behind my back, but hey if i don't know about it, and i'm not confronted, who cares, must not be that important.

you have the right to stand up for yourself, but do like my ex sil does, the minute drama starts, she'll remove you so you cannot contact her any more in any way shape or form. so you're basically saying, grow up, you got a problem with me? talk to me, quit the gossip!

There is a possible shortcut to changing your in-laws’ attitudes toward you, and it takes a bit of courage, but might be worthwhile. Ask your MIL with real humility for examples of how she came to her opinions. Listen respectfully, smile and thank her, and vow to do better – even if she gives you a bunch of hogwash. Don’t say a thing to defend yourself – just stay cheerfully adult (This is surprisingly easy to do if you decide ahead of time). I’ve seen this technique work miracles, sometimes even starting with the accuser stumbling over herself in confusion and embarrassment.

As hard as it is to believe this when your feelings are smarting, a surprising truth is that we are disrespecting ourselves when we “feel disrespected.” (You can discover this for yourself if you think about it for a bit.)

For example, I know a guy in a wheelchair who’s proudly independent, and “feels disrespected” if people hold a door for him, or even tell him hello (they are pitying him). Are they? Probably not, but it doesn’t matter, in his own head, if he thinks it’s true. It’s his own worries about how he’s being perceived that are the real cause of his pain.

There is nothing to gain by turning this into a family fight, and there is much to lose. Why insist that your husband feel offended if he’s not inclined to suffer in that way? And even if he convinces his mother not write those things about you in your view, he can’t make her stop saying them out of your hearing.

Do your in-law’s comments make you anybody other than who you are? Absolutely not. They may color people’s opinions of you, and there is nothing you can do about that except prove their opinions wrong. If you behave in a consistently peaceful, friendly, mature, and helpful manner, then that’s who you are. And other people will eventually recognize that.

Try it. I think you'll like it. It's worked well for me since I first discovered this approach 35 years ago.

Anybody who writes on Facebook needs to be aware that it's like being at a big party, where anything you say can easily be overheard by a hundred other people!

You need to separate the aunt/MIL problem from your distress at your husband. Guys aren't always up to getting involved in "cat fights," and I'll bet that's what he thinks of this. He probably doesn't know what to do. Don't hold what his relatives say against HIM. Does he love you? I betcha he does. You can let him know that you don't like hearing such things said about you - he can't help but agree with that - but phrase it as your problem, not his. If you give him some space, he may just take up your defense. (Or not. Oh well.) :^)

Being so close (geographically) to your in-laws, you can't keep away from them. And of course you want to take the moral high road and be gracious to these people for whom you cook every night. But I really think that if I were in your position, I would immediately de-friend (un-friend?) any relative who abused me on FB. You are a valuable person with important work to do, and you don't need your brain and heart distracted by such stuff.

This reminds me of something. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was very small, my parents moved us to a new home in a new city and, as economical people did at that time, they subscribed to a four-party telephone line instead of a private one. The other parties lived on the same block. My mother said it worked well for a while - if you picked up the receiver and heard voices on it, you would hang up quickly and wait until later (unless it was an emergency). One day my mother picked up the receiver and before she could set it back down again she realized the neighbors were talking about HER! That did it - there was a private line at our house the next week, and hang the expense.

I would tell my Aunt that I love her very much!

Then I would tell my husband how hurt I am and ask him if he would back me up if I have a talk with his mom.......hopefully he will say yes.

Then, I would sit my MIL down and have a talk. Tell her you saw the posts on facebook and flat out ask her does she feel this way. Maybe you will get lucky and she will back pedal a bit, but if not...... and she says she does feel this way then I would say in as calm a voice as I could muster, "Well, I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't agree with you and I have to be honest that my feelings are very hurt. I am going to do my best not to hold this against you because I love my family, and you are part of my family, but I hope you will understand that I think it best that we are no longer facebook friends."

Hopefully this will blow over. I hope so because you sound like a great DIL and it is a shame your MIL doesn't appreciate you yet. Time often fixes this stuff though, so don't give up on her just yet. That you are even speaking to her should tell her that she lucked out to get you!

I'll just say: What she said!! (Elizabeth R.)

I think this is a situation where you need to speak with your husband about this (again, I'm sure) and he needs to be the one to address this issue with his family members. I think that if he speaks with thm in a firm but gentle manner and tells them how he expects his wife and the mother of his children to be treated by his own family members, they'll back off. But it is up to him to set down the boundaries for them to follow.

Also too, just remember that words are just words if they have no truth to them. If your MIL and aunt-in-law have a history of bickering, spreading gossip and being untruthful, then people will know them for that and will be suspicious of anything that they have to say about someone, anyone. At least that is the case for me. If I meet someone and they start talking badly about someone else, I immediately know that it is in my best interest to be wary of anything they say because they are most likely a bunch of bad news and will most likely talk poorly about me the minute my back is turned. Defend yourself if you have to but try not to get too caught up with their drama making. If you speak the truth, hold yourself with dignity and treat what they have to say as a mere nuance (much like the fly that bugs you when you are trying to have a picnic), other people will see that and form their opinion about you based upon your own conduct and good grace.

Sorry that you have to put up with this snarkiness in your own family. Just hang tight and stand your ground. And tell your husband that he chose you as his wife, therefore it is his duty to take care of you when people are being unkind. Best of luck .

JJ,

Face Book causes more trouble than it is worth. To me it is no better than reading those tabloid magazines only in the case of Face Book the characters are family, friends, and co-workers and yes, enemies.

Do yourself a huge favor and swear off Face Book. Let your husband’s family know you’ve seen things there that hurt you and you feel are untrue and if either your husband’s mother or aunt have something to say about you, they should say it to your face or keep it to themselves.

When some people read that you only do your dishes every other day, that spells bad housekeeper and/or lazy…(whether it is true or not). If you are doing all the cooking for several people, then someone who isn’t 8 months pregnant needs to step up to the plate and clean the kitchen, including your husband. Personally, I don’t start cooking until my kitchen is in order, the stove is reasonably clean, and the sink is empty. (Sort of a “clean canvas” theory and I use lots of pots, pan, bowls utensils etc. when I cook).

Lastly, remember your husband is in the middle loving both you and his mother. His first allegiance should be to you, but depending on the situation at hand, that will not always be the case.

Blessings…..

I'm in a similar situation with my own MIL and honestly I've come to the point now to where I don't go around her at all. I've taken her off my FB page as well and due to her childish ways don't allow her to see my children without either myself or DH there. I don't feel as though I'm respected by my MIL so I choose to not have contact with her. I know this is a bit harsh but personally I feel that if someone has an issue with you they should take it up with you personally and not make untrue statements that are disrespectful, which is what it sounds exactly like your MIL is doing.

Are you living with them? Why are you cooking and cleaning for them? If they can treat you respectfully, I would stop that. And if you are living with them, you may want to find other arrangements. You husband should definitely say something to them, and if he isn't willing to, he has to accept it if you decide to. Stand up to them now, or they could be saying this stuff to your kids which is totally unacceptable.

It sounds like you are living with your MIL. That must be difficult for everyone.

Because you are pregnant, you are super sensitive these days. That is normal. Are there plans to move out soon? If not, then make every financial decision based on when you can get out of the house. I love my children dearly but I would have a really hard time having them in my house as adults. Two women in the same house is really difficult. Even though your MIL is way off base, she is probably just venting and exaggerating, like we all do. It's too bad she did it publicly.

This is one of the reasons that I am glad that I cannot read other people's minds. I have often exaggerated a situation to get my point across or so the person I was talking to could really understand my frustration.

With a baby coming so soon, you really need to be pampered and taken care of. I'm sorry that you aren't getting that. But it is hard for a MIL to do that if you are there 24/7. So I agree that the best way to make the situation better is to leave out the fact that you know about the fb stuff. You don't want to give your MIL the idea that you are only doing this because of that. Just say that you know it is tough having you there and what can you do to make it easier. Smile, smile, smile. Maybe your MIL hasn't heard the "thank yous" and "we sure appreciate yous" enough lately. Or maybe she just isn't hearing them, so continue with a little more emphasis on how hard it must be for her and how much you appreciate her. Be specific about things that she does or has done. People really respond to compliments.

Maybe she is going through some emotional or hormonal stuff herself and is feeling less attention that you might be getting. People always respond to being lavishly appreciated and pampered. She will naturally want to return the gestures.

One time I had a problem with my MIL almost competing with me for my husband's attention. I sat down with her one time and told her how much I appreciated how she raised her son. She became a whole different person!

Be sure to plan some fun things with your MIL. Plan a little picnic or tea outside and have your daughter be the waitress. Take pictures, etc. If your MIL sees that there are some really fun things that she gets to experience because you are there, it will make it easier for her to have you in her home.

Grandparents have dreams of their grandkids coming over to visit. It sounds like she feels she is raising her granddaughter instead, just because she is living with you. Yes, you and your husband are the ones raising her but because she can't visit, she just feels like she is raising her.

Just give her a little extra TLC and she will be a different person.

I'm with you, nip it in the butt now before it goes any further. Calm down before talking with your MIL, but address all the issues you told us about. As for your husband, have a talk with him too, and let him know if he's not going to defend your honor you are going to still talk to his mother on how you want to be treated.
Do you live with your in-laws? Since you cook for them every day, I would address it after dinner.
Hang in there...