In Desperate Need of Support from Other Moms

I occasionally took a day off of work for me.(I told no one in my family I was doing this, not even hubby.) Just climbed into bed with a book and read and slept. I also sent kids and DH out on Sunday afternoons and did the same.

After you are rested, have a long talk with DH about where he can help.

Not saying that you don't need a therapist to vent to,...but you are snappish because you are sleep deprived.Until you catch up on sleep, it will continue. Yes, been there, I cannot recognize the witch I become when exhausted, and as a parent, it goes on and on for months or years. I am not one for locking a toddler out of my room, so I have to suffer for it.

Why not let him fall asleep and then move him into his own bed?
Or let him sleep on the floor as suggested.

Agree to try to wean the baby off the night time feeding.

Can you husband get up early with them and let you sleep in a little? Or do some chores at night (the baths??) and let you get right to bed? You may have to just let things go in the house for while to catch up on sleep. The highlight of my weekend is that my husband gets up when my daughter wakes up and watches her while I sleep in -- may only be til 8 a.m. but beats 5 a.m., which is when she sometimes wakes!!

I have not read any of thee post,But I think we have all been were you are at, It is very stressfull but have you thought about maybe joining a cardio class,Yoga or meditation.. I tell you doing these things makes a huge difference on how you feel . It releaves so much stress, you might wanna just give it a try and see how you feel..

Heather, I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to be perfectly honest with you and tell you that you have to get ahold of your home life in order for your stress to go down. And that means no more allowing that 3 year old to sleep with you.

Sit down with your husband and tell him that you two are going to go through HELL WEEK together. You are going to have to get up to take your son back to bed every single time he gets up, no exceptions. It might be 50 times the first night. If you don't realize he is up until he is in bed with you, lock your bedroom door. He'll wake you up banging on it. If it continues past the first week, and I really think that it won't if you both put your feet down and say NO MORE, tell hubby to go get a cheap interior door from Lowes, have them cut it several inches above the doorknob, and sand the top of the half door to make sure there are no splinters. Take the 3 year old's bedroom door off the hinges and put the half door on instead, putting the doorknob on backwards. This door will function like a big baby gate and keep your 3 year old from coming out of the room. Don't worry if he decides to sleep in the floor - it doesn't matter. He will eventually give up and sleep where it feels best - in his own bed.

This piece of advice came from my ped, though I never had to use it. I highly recommend it for you, because no amount of therapy is going to work if you don't start sleeping at night. I'm truly serious.

The second thing you have to do is stop breastfeeding your 6 month old in the middle of the night. She doesn't need it, and it's not worth having a nervous breakdown over. Drop the night nursings, making sure that during the day, she is getting enough bottles while you're at work. She is old enough to be having cereal now at 6 months - give it to her before you nurse her at bedtime. That will help hold her stomach longer.

Now, this is still part of HELL WEEK. Your husband will have to do this part. Wait 5 minutes after baby has been crying - not moving around, not whining, really crying. Then he goes in and pats her on the back and walks back out. He does NOT pick her up, doesn't talk to her. He waits 10 minutes, and repeats. If she is still crying, he waits 15 minutes, then 20, etc. Lengthen it by 5 minutes each time. At no point does he pick the baby up.

The baby doesn't need these night feedings. She WANTS them. They are a comfort to her. It is time for her to night-wean so that you all can get some sleep.

It will be hard. The whole thing may take 2 weeks. More likely the first week will be the worst. Do it all at once so that everyone is miserable at the same time.

What I have described above is what I said in the first paragraph, getting ahold of your home life. When you do, you will feel a ton better. And it is what people all over this world do, Heather. They put their kids to bed in their own beds, and the kids put themselves to sleep, self-soothe instead of their parents doing all the work for them, and everyone sleeps. You can be one of those families. I promise. But you must not be wishy-washy and cave in and let the toddler in your bed. You must not have conversations with him. NO talking, just putting him back to bed. And letting him cry when he doesn't get his way. Same thing with your daughter. No picking her up. No feeding her in the middle of the night. It's a habit that has to be broken. Ask your ped if you need to - he or she will say the same thing, that your 6 month old doesn't need to be nursing at night anymore.

This is better than you falling apart and not being able to mother or work. I promise.

Good luck - sending you strength!
Dawn

oldest has got to get into his own bedroom. Lock him in if you have to...seriously (baby gate the door or double baby gate the door "two high") to keep him in.

I am pro breastfeeding trust me but this might need to stop. My first two did just fine on only a few months of breastmilk...You little one will do fine also.

baths do not have to happen every night so don't do them..they are not going to die if the go a day or two without.

Bedtime is the must to change. You have to be strong and firm...get your oldest out of your bed. I cannot sleep with my children I can lay next to them awake but not sleep.

i didn't read the other posts, but so glad you've received so many! i know some moms won't want to read this but my kids are 15 months apart and when i went back to work after the 2nd baby i was a basket case. something had to go and i physically needed more sleep so... at 4 month my son went to formula and IT WAS THE BEST DECISION. i talked about it with our ped and he agreed 100% that the family is happy when MOM IS HAPPY AND RESTED! good luck, it gets better. if you hold out, even if breastfeeding, it does get better.

Put a mattress or spot on the floor, of your room, for your son to sleep on.
That is what we did/do.
Then the child is not in your bed, but can be in the room.
It works for us.
My kids can go there when sick or afraid of the dark. Which these general night time fears, do occur, developmentally at this age.
And NO... this is not a 'habit' that my kids have. Just because we let them do this. They are not "stuck" doing this.
They have their own beds/rooms. But this is a happy medium.

Then: what is your Husband doing... to HELP? I mean, these are his kids too and the house. So, it means HE has to help too. With the kids and the chores and the house. That is what a Husband/Man/Dad, does. It is not just a 'woman's job.'
So naturally, it is very stressful and a woman gets irritable and snappy.

YOU need time, to yourself. Your Husband also has to realize this.
You have a full plate, as all Moms do.
But you are human... and every human, needs downtime and time to themselves.
AND the Husband, has to be a PART, of the DAILY AND NIGHT-TIME routines.
Not only you.
The only thing a Man cannot do, is breastfeed.

As my Husband says (I have 2 kids), "unless you tell me you need help... I don't know you need help. Then I wonder why you get all bitchy. I can't read your mind."
So... with a Man/Husband, you GOTTA tell them, in a neutral way... that you need HELP, and that is their responsibility... TOO.

OR, as I have done, is I made a "Daddy Do-List." And on that list, which I post on a wall... I write down, what my HUSBAND needs to do. To us woman it is common sense, but not to them. So, that way, they know what they need to do. Too.

Hello Heather,

I think the most important person right now is you!! And you need to take care of you! So if you have to stop breastfeeding it would not be the end of the world for the baby. You have given the baby 6 months and that is a wonderful start. Is the baby eating any solids yet? I would also consider some solids. At 6 months you can give cereal and fruit, twice a day, breakfast and dinner. As far as the three year old, start the weekend and put up a gate, keep taking him back to his bed, give him a nightlight, maybe put music on for him but tell him he has to stay in his own bed. Or, put a mattress on your floor and tell him that is as close as he gets. Sleep deprivation can truly take a toll on you!! And at the point you are now you really need to put mommy first!! Your hormones can also be playing a roll in this. Do you have any family that can maybe help you on the weekend to catch up on sleep? If you stop nursing then hubby can help you at night as well. You will not hurt your baby!! It won't do your children any good if you get sick so it is okay to be selfish right now. Good luck!!

I understand. You need to get your husband involved more unless hes home before you and cooks and does kitchen cleanup. Coming home that late doesn't help things. just do what you can. Housework can wait. I always tried to make sure dishes got done daily or at least every other day. some days I just needed a break so my husband had to give the kid a bath. Lack of sleep isn't helping matters at all but it will get better.

Hi Heather-
Where is your husband in this process? Could he take on more responsibility? Lack of sleep can make an already busy schedule unbearable. You need to get that 3 year old to stay in bed. If I were you I would pick one or two things that aren't working for you and that you have the power to change and change them. Ask for more help, set a date for tough love with the 3 year old, cut back on work or hire a paid home helper, whatever is possible to lighten your load. I personally wouldn't stop breastfeeding until I had tried everything else but that's just me you have to decide how important that is to you and your baby.
Finally I can't help thinking the money that therapy costs could be used for a housekeeper or some other tangible help that will give you more free time. With all the responsibility you have I don't think you taking out your frustations on your family is a personal issue you have to fix. I don't see how you could be a positive, loving Mom all the time with that kind of pressure.
This period of time in your life is so very short, soon those babies will be eating solids, sleeping through the night and in school all day. Don't let this time go by in a haze of negativity. You need more help, period!
Do whatever you have to do to get it.

I totally agree with Dawn B. Not many people can remain happy and cheerful when sleep deprived. Get the night time under control so you and your husband have time in the evening to relax and unwind and reconnect...and a good night's sleep.

Also, when I read your post it mainly focuses on you doing all the child caring before and after work. You need your husband on board. You are overwhelmed,stressed and exhausted mentally and physically. Talk to hubby about the duties he will do everyday in the home and the ones you will do. You are both working full time so it should be shared down the middle.

Good luck and best wishes.

Hi H.,

I hear you! I feel over taxed, and I'm not doing 1/2 of what you're doing every day. Here are some thoughts...

You are doing a wonderful job of caring for your family. It is such a stressful time, and it will only get easier as the kids get older. Take some deep breaths, it won't always be so hard.

Good for you for breastfeeding your little one! And for keeping the pumping going. My little one is breastfeeding all night as well, and even though you've gotten many telling you she doesn't "need" to do this, you both probably need the closeness since she's not with you during the day. Are you co-sleeping? If you can put her in her own bed to start the night, she will probably sleep longer and longer in her own bed. But the first time she wakes, your husband can feed her, or just take her to bed with you for the rest of the night so you can get some sleep. If you haven't tried it co-sleeping might take a little getting used to, but you sleep SO much better than getting up to bf all night.

Put a mattress in your bedroom for your 3-year old. Just let him sleep in your room and don't worry about it. He'll certainly move out when he's ready, or when you're ready. Just get everyone sleeping as much as possible, the happiest way possible. If you are depressed now, I doubt Dawn's suggested "hell week" is going to make you feel any better. And this way your son can be closer to you, which he needs right now. (Ikea has cheap mattresses, the kids can use it in their playroom later)

I don't know if you sleep trained your son, but we tried it with our now-4-year old, and I will always regret it. Seems to me that "hell week" will make your family more divided and unhappy, and that's not what you need right now!

Is there any way you can get some help from your husband or hire someone to help with meal preparation, shopping, carpooling to or from school? When we feel buried it's hard to see the practical solutions. Even a small adjustment here and there will help. Don't be afraid to change some things.

It's great that you are going to therapy. But remember that you are stressed and grouchy because you have so much responsibility and little sleep, etc. Don't let a therapist lead you to believe there is something "wrong" with you. I also snap at my husband and a easily frustrated with my daughter. As I learn to let go a bit and enjoy them more, we are all happier.

It's so hard to take a step back, take a deep breath, and choose to just enjoy when we're racing from work to bath time, to bed time, and out the door again. Really try to carve some time out for yourself, for you and your husband together, for you and your kids to just relax together.

One last thing, are you getting some physical exercise? It helps enormously. Jogging takes just 15-30 minutes. Or walk to the store instead of driving (if that's an option). Moving your body and taking deep breaths really does help.

And lastly, big hug and pat on the back to you. From one H. to another. :)

Can you get your husband to help you a little more? that's what struck me reading your questions - it's all You - where is he in the mix?

I don't know what to suggest with the sleep issues - check your 6 month old for teething, ears, etc - and please take some time for yourself. Get hubby involved!!!

First of all, I want to say that you're doing GREAT. My advice on pumping...she's had breast milk for the first 6 months of her life. Awesome. Switch to formula. And at this age, the baby doesn't need food in the middle of the night...maybe comfort, but as she's able to begin solids now, she doesn't need to eat overnight anymore.

Honestly what you really need to do at this point is work on the sleeping for both kids. It kind of stinks that you're going to have to do it for both at the same time, but both should be sleeping at this point.

With the schedule you have, you should be looking for any avenues to making your life easier - if your life is easier, you'll be less stressed and more available to your family as a happy mama.

Also maybe instead of the therapy, do some real-time therapy and use that time/money to go to the gym or get a massage/pedicure/sit alone in a bookstore with a cup of coffee for an hour.

Hang in there - they won't be little forever.

What is your husband doing during this time? He needs to be doing his fair share of child care and housework. I quit trying to breastfeed and went to formula and we were all far more well-rested and happier! There's no way I would pump constantly and stay up feeding all night and go to work full time -that's a recipe for disaster and a nervous breakdown. You don't have to quit breastfeeding completely, but cut back -way back! Pump a bit or introduce formula so your husband and you can take turns getting up at night to feed. Both of my sons are healthy, smart and happy (and so am I -an exclusively formula fed baby). None of us were more sick or allergy-ridden than anyone else. My dad and his siblings were raised in the 20s and 30s when there was no "formula" and they made a concoction of cow's milk, honey or syrup and raw eggs! My mother was another who managed to be just fine on no breast milk or store formula in the 40s. YES -it's great to breastfeed, but not at the price of your sanity!

Also -make the three year old sleep in his own bed. My 3 year old went through the same thing and while it was tiring, we put him back in his bed every time and he eventually stopped -sometimes he would cry or try it again, but at least we got more sleep putting him back in bed than we would have with him in our bed all night.

When I worked full time and had my kids, it really came down to picking priorities. It was not a priority to me to have the house spotless, it just was not possible. I really just did the "basics"...like laundry, and sometimes it stayed in a pile in the corner of the bedroom but at least it was clean! And the dishes got done, usually, and the floors vaccuumed once a week...or only when they really, really needed it...no big deal. Also, I did not BF and my babies slept thru the night their first week home from the hospital. But when they did hit age 3, they wanted to come in and sleep with us. No way! I'm such a light sleeper! So I let them sleep on the floor next to the bed, but did not make it comfy for them. They just brought their pillow, blanket, animal, whatever, and laid on the floor on my side of the bed. Eventually, they just stopped coming in on their own and have always been good sleepers since. So maybe try that, tell your son he can come in and sleep on the floor but he can NOT wake you up. He will grow out of it. I don't really have any other advice but I feel for you. I know its hard. Just try to cut back on some things if you can, pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff. Hope you find some things that help you!

You don't need stress therapy. Save your money and spend it on a house keeper and frozen organic prepared baby food. You are stressed because your overwhelmed and utterly exhausted.
I agree with several other ladies; you need your 3yr old to sleep in his own bed. Try setting aside a special night one night a week to sleep with you ?. (I read once that the single biggest lie married people tell is not how often they have sex but how often their kids sleep in their beds ;-).
Since your getting little sleep at night maybe try setting aside 30minutes to read and snuggle with your son before bed. Work out a schedule with your husband to have 'special on one time' with a parent on a rotating basis.
Cannot spare 30 extra minutes ? better than 6hrs of broken sleep?
The 'have it all supermom dream' isn't doing women any favors. There's only so many hours in a day and when you do the math (work, sleep, kids, chores) something has to give.
More solid food for your baby and wean off night time feeds.You have to sleep more. You already know that. The formula today is better than it has ever been and in some cases contains more DHA and vital nutrients then a breast feeding mother with a poor diet. 6mths is a really great achievement. Don't forget to give yourself credit.
Try alternating weekend sleep ins with your husband. He gets to sleep in Saturday's and you get Sunday's. That helped us.
Ask for more help.
The fact your trying so hard and wanting to improve where you feel you are lacking is a credit to you. An infant, toddler, husband, full time responsible job is really hard work; everyday. You are not alone but it will get easier and you can keep trying different pieces of advice until you find what works for you.
Good luck (and do something for yourself this week - guilt free. You deserve it)

I've been there. My kids are 15 months apart so not much time for sleep or anything else. My oldest has been in a toddler bed since the age of about 2. He was an escape artist so would climb out of his crib at night so our hand was forced. When we first put his in his new bed he would get up at all hours and get in bed with my husband and I. We got no sleep. We were cranky etc. You know the drill. Sooo we greased the handle. We put him to bed grease the handle and walk out. We could hear him trying to open the door but he couldn't grip the knob.

He tried the door and when it would not open he would go to bed and sleep all night. We stopped after a few weeks because my husband thought it was bad to basically lock him in his room. The madness started all over again and after weeks of no sleep we decided to grease the door knob again. We all sleep through the night now. BTW he was a good sleeper before he became an escape artist so that might have made it easier to get he to go back to bed.

To be honest it sounds like you are making things really hard on yourself with the co-sleeping and round-the-clock breastfeeding and pumping.
It is your choice, you don't have to continue doing those things. It doesn't work for everyone and that's OK.
I would quit pumping, it's very draining. I mean really, you exclusively breastfed for six months, that's wonderful. But now you are back to work and you need to make things easier on yourself. You have needs too. Have the caregivers feed the baby formula while you work.
You can still breastfeed in the evening. But over night, alternate with your husband, have him feed the baby a bottle for every other night feed. I mean heck, I was doing that by the time my baby was a few weeks old! I needed my rest! So do you.
Also, follow the excellent advice you have gotten about getting your 3 yo to sleep in his own bed.
Good luck!

Not having read any other post...many of us have been there. You need to have some YOU TIME. Take a bath, go get a pedi...go to a bookstore, clothes store...they will survive for 1 hour with out you!

I ended up taking a vacation day, the only person who knew about it was my husband...kids went to daycare, he went to work...I took a nap, went to get a pedi...picked the kids up at regular time. And they never knew! I still do this once in a while...afternoon off for me.

You need to point this out to your husband! ASAP You are putting too much on your plate and it sounds like you have hit the point where you need to ask for help.

It sounds like your husband needs to take his 50% share of the work and responsibility. If you are already pumping, can DH do one of the nighttime feedings without affecting your milk supply? Can you switch off dropping the three year old off and doing the bedtime routine.

There are a number of approaches you could take with your three year old - but it sounds like whatever will get you the most sleep fastest will likely work best for you for now. That may be to simply put a mattress on the floor in your bedroom and let him sleep there. I do not believe the people who say once you do this you are stuck until they go to college. Kid's routines change frequently as they get older and they are able to accept change. When you feel stronger you would work on getting him to stay in his room but this can take a little time (you just calmly walk him back to his bed every time - making sure of course he is not sick and is not scared from a nightmare).

For your 3 y.o., read the 'Supernanny' book by Jo Frost and do the stay in bed technique (you might even be able to read about it online. Before my daughter was born in December, my son couldn't fall asleep unless he was held until he fell asleep (he was almost 3 when his sister was born). I knew I couldn't hold him to fall asleep AND get a baby to bed at the same time. If you are consistent with the technique and don't cave, it will work. Once he is in his own bed all night, that should help you sleep a little better through the night. For the baby, have you tried her on cereal before bed? Since she is 6 months, you should be able to drop a BF feeding and it will keep her tummy full longer. BUT, I'll bet she's not waking because she's hungry, she just wants the comfort of mom. When she wakes and cries, instead of going in to her, listen on the monitor (or if you have a video monitor like me, watch her) for a while. She might just fall back asleep on her own. I was lucky that my daughter has slept through the night from day one (although for a while by breasts were not too happy about that and there were times that I woke her just so I could relieve the pressure) anyway... when she is sleeping and wakes crying, I know she isn't ready to get up, I watch her and she usually will fall back asleep either right away or in a bit. I can always tell when she really needs me when the crying gets louder and she hasn't calmed down. With my son, I couldn't bear letting him cry and he always woke at night. It's hard, but you need to develop a backbone and let them cry a little while. You're creating a bad habit (at least with your son)... he cries and knows that if he keeps it up, mom and dad will cave and he gets what he wants.
I gotta say, I admire you for working full time and taking care of the kids like you do. I'm a SAHM, but I do EVERYTHING and I get absolutely no help from the hubby at all. God forbid I ask, he looks at me like I just asked him to give me $500. As much as I wouldn't really mind working so I could have my own money, I couldn't even squeeze any more time out of myself. Kudos to you for doing so much.
A thought... can you hire a teen to be a mommy's helper when you are home? I'm sure the kids want you, but to have an extra pair of hands to help you around the house would lighten the load for you.

Personally, I say take the money you're spending on a therapist and treat yourself to a weekend away! Sounds like you need a night or two of good sleep. Sleep deprivation is serious. Let hubby handle it all and/or call in for some family help while you're gone. Stuff may not get done just the way you want while you're gone, but everyone will survive and you'll feel better.

Hang in there!

This is a tough time... I've been there in a different way and it sucks. It will get better and I agree that you're snapping at people bc you're so tired. I'd use the time you're spending at a therapist to nap. Seriously. As well, one thing not mentioned is if possible, go to your car at lunch at work and take a power nap. I did that back in the days and it helped a ton. I also agree that your 6 mo old does not need to be eating so often. She just wants to. I'd find a way to cut out one feeding. I used to just lie in bed w/ my oldest (against a wall) when she wouldn't sleep. In terms of your 3 year old, he may be doing this partly out of jealousy. I'd start alternating who is on duty for which child each night. You shouldn't be tending to both. I'd take turns with him and put a mattress on the floor in his room and if he acts up, one of you sleep there. As well, my husband used to do a late night feeding (ie: 11pm) bc he's a night owl and I'd go to bed super early. Your husband could give a bottle of breast milk so you could go to bed by 9pm. I also think 6 months of breast feeding is great and you can count yourself done or at least cut back. I didn't have much luck breast feeding so my kids didn't get 6 months and they're both healthier than lots of other kids and seem to be just as smart too.

Heather, you are not alone!!! I am happy to hear you have reached out for help. I too am working mom with a 3 and 5 year old. I think there are three key things:
1. Find something that recharges your batteries. (exercise, meditation, making a gratitide list each morning). some take only 5 minutes. But when your emotional tank is empty, you have nothing to give)
2. 90% of this is sleep related (as many have said). I couldn't and can't lock my kids in their rooms.... SO I lay with them as they go to bed... if they come in we go back to their room. I still get sleep and they aren't in our room (unless it's after about 4am - they can stay). The less I fight them, the more relaxing it is for all of us.
3. Find little ways you can simplify your routine. We only do baths every other night (Dry in Denver and not so good for the skin to bathe them daily). This gives us more familiy time and less rushing some nights.

Also KNOW this will get better. Once the baby gets a bit bigger, more sleep is on the way!!!

Hang in there, and be gentle to yourself.

** I have also put myself in time out when feeling stressed... literally just walk away and into the bathroom to count to 10 or take DEEP Breaths for a couple minutes to diffuse the frustration or anger : )

Plain and simple. You need some YOU TIME and your husband needs to help. Take out your aggression with exercising or doing something like throughing ice cubes against your house. But take some time for you, even if it is only five minutes.

And try to get some sleep :):):):) Good Luck

Heather - I'm so sorry you're going through this - I went through the same kind of situation. The best tip I can give is to make sure that you get enough sleep one night a week, at a minimum - one weekend day, can your husband manage the kids so you can sleep in? My husband and I used to trade off Saturday and Sunday mornings (he got one, I got one). That helped me more than anything - I was less angry at the world and somewhat more functional. Also, cut yourself as much slack as you can (messy house? Ignore it - at least for now.) Hang in there, it will get better, just know that it will get better in fits and starts.

You don't mention what your husband's role is, but it sounds like he needs to pick up the pace at being a parent! Let him give the bath and get the older one ready for and put to bed. Not to mention, maybe he could take your older to preschool and give you a few extra precious minutes?

I also don't know your family's living arrangements, but my husband and I sleep in separate rooms (long story), so it was easy for us to have our older sleep with him while I had the younger in with me. It helped TREMENDOUSLY!!! Maybe only temporary for you? I'm a terribly light sleeper, and as much as I would LOVE to sleep with my kids, I just can't :*(

Sleeeeep--you need to be able to get a good night's sleep. When you are overtired your mind and body need rest and healing. You need to get hubby on board. As I was reading your post I thought you were a single mom at first.
Your 3 yr old needs to sleep in his own bed. When he gets up and comes in your bed you, or hubby, need to gently take him back to his bed and tell him he needs to stay there.

I COMPLETELY agree with Dawn. Stay strong!!!

Dawn has given you some excellent advice below. I couldn't have said it any better myself. I truly believe 99% of your problems are due to the fact that you aren't getting any quality sleep! Follow Dawn's advice; I promise you it will work! Hang in there!

Been there! And I'm still there, to a certain extent. First of all, make sure your husband is helping at night. We did that and it was a life saver. Breast feed at 9pm (or whenever you go to bed) THEN at the next wakeup, husband MUST get up and feed baby a bottle of pumped milk. You breastfeed for the next feeding. Please note that you now have had 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep! :-) Follow this pattern every night. Also, at 6 months old, baby should not be waking every 2-3 hours to nurse. He's in a bad habit. Read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. It saved our life. I think you are horribly sleep deprived and that is probably causing most of your irritability issues. Hang in there momma!

I hear you..
My son went through a phase where he wanted to sleep with us and wanted us to lay in bed with him to get him to sleep..
First round, We slowly moved closer to the door to get him to stay in his bed.. then we sat on a chair in the hall .. soon he would go to sleep on his own.. then he would wake in the middle of the night.. We gave him his little cars couch and let him sleep there. He would wake us once, we could cover him and he would sleep the rest of the night.. Soon he would just come in and we would wake up and he was there.. and then he would just stay in his room for the night.
Second round.. ( we are still in this struggle) For several weeks we would sleep with him to get him to sleep and he would over all stay in his room. This week we have started with making him sleep in his room by himself and letting him know we will check on him. Since sunday he will go to bed by himself. He gets up a few times, but we just put him back.
I am finding out that we have other factors that are part of why he wanted/needed us to be with him. We are working through them.

Lack of sleep.. sucks.. I have a 4 month old and she has a few good nights, then some rough ones. When I return to work next week I will get up shower, nurse her, pump and head off to work. Nurse her when we get home, bottle her if a second bottle is needed and then off to bed with her. We will see what her schedule will be. I have been working the last few weeks to get my body on the pumping schedule that I will be using when I go back to work to keep up my milk since my daughter does not nurse very well. I currently nurse her in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning and then early evening. But I know the more tired I am the more snappy I get..

Good luck and know you are not alone.

For realz take one thing off your plate... breastfeeding.
I am a SAHM and even I didn't make it a year. Both of my kids made it around 6-8 months. I thought that was great. Most moms I knew couldn't even make milk, so I was happy with what I got in them.
So really you baby will be fine if you stop.... formula now a days isn't so bad and you baby will soon start to eat more and more food.

As for the co-sleeping! You might just have to super nanny it a few nights and just do the walk back to their room method. It will be a few nights of hell, but long term you all will be happy!

You don't mention where dad is during all this, but if I didn't have the help from my hubby on many levels, I would go bonkers! So just know you are doing great and many of us feel just like you do!!! We all snap and have bad days! Just take some small steps to lighten your load. Good luck!

When I had post partum depression and was really unhappy with life I was really quick to anger. I think this is a part of depression for some people. Can you see your doctor and try getting on an antidepressant just for the time being? Maybe it'll help. Being a parent is so hard...you have to just hang in there. Both of our kids were/are not great sleepers as babies/toddlers so we have had to go through a lot of sleep deprivation and that also will really set you on edge and give you less patience. I feel for you...I really do! But you have to remember they will all grow up and you will be getting good sleep again one day. Do what you can and if things are just too crazy and too much to handle then let something go. One thing I think of is it is ok if you switch to bottles of formula. I know you are not supposed to say that but really it all would be just fine. Then you and your husband can take turns giving bottles to that little one at night and you won't have to pump. I hope no one takes offense at this. I hope you do not either - it is just a thought. Or can your husband give the baby a bottle of formula during one of the night feedings? Can your husband take charge of the 3 yr old at night and ALWAYS take him back to his own bed. That is what we did when our son was 3...one of us had to lie with him for 15 minutes till he fell asleep. If your husband can do that it will help you to get better sleep. I hope things get better for you.

Sounds rough! I think it's good that you are seeking a counselor to help with your stress but if I may say, it doesn't seem to be helping if you're still so snappish...not that I blame you based on your routine! ;) Maybe you need to change therapists or maybe you need to help yourself follow their advice more closely. When I used to teach school I would print out colorful slips of paper with Love and Logic sayings on them and tape them to my desk, the chalkboard, etc. That way I was being reminded by them often so I wouldn't say the "wrong" thing.

Also, maybe you should think about some options of keeping your son in bed at night...just getting a full night's sleep would help a lot! I am a fan of cry-it-out, but if you're not, you still need to find a solution. The road to a solution, no matter the method, will be difficult but it can't be worse than it is right now and remember it's the means to an end.

Also, is your husband helping where he can? If he's not then maybe you could divide some tasks to help ease your load. If he is and he's understanding, maybe you could set something up so you can take a few hours out of the house one night soon.

Hang in there. You have a lot on your plate but keep the focus on the positive as much as possible!

Dear Heather,
You have the load of at least 2 people on your shoulders. Whoever said, "You can have it all" when it comes to being a wife/mother and having a career was wrong. It is impossible to be so stretched thin and have everything go smoothly and seamlessly. I honestly don't know how you do what you do. Such a lot to bear for one person. You know, in Genesis, after the fall of Adam and Eve, God gave each of them a curse. Adam's was that man would have to work by the sweat of his brow, meaning that it would be difficult. As the provider of substinance for his family, man would be strapped with a burden and a difficult load. For Eve, God cursed women with increased pains in childbirth. All mothers understand the reality of that curse. You have taken on the curse of both men and women. You are paying double duty, which is part of why you are struggling so much. I wonder why women take on both curses. Men obviously cannot do that. They can never bear children physically. And, even if they could, I suspect that very few would. hehe I think the only way you can see relief is if you give up the job. That may not be possible in your situation as most people's budges swell to the income they are accustomed to have. You are right that you and your family do not deserve your agression. Would it be possible for your husband to take on some of the burdens you carry in the home? When a wife has to work outside of the home because her husband either cannot or will not be the primary wage earner, then I think it is only right for him to take on the typically wifely duties in the home equally. It is so wrong for him to expect her to provide financially as well as manage all the home issues as well. It is selfish of him to do so.

Hi Heather,

Boy am I right there with ya! I have a 2 & 1/2 year-old and a 10-month old. My oldest sleeps through the night, unless baby sister wakes her up, or she's sick and awakened by coughing, or has a nightmare, or loses her paci, in which cases she joins us in our bed, kicking, throwing covers, and turning horizontally all night long. My quick-fix - once she kicks me out of our bed, or once I've been up with the baby long enough that my oldest has taken over my side of the bed, I sleep on the couch. Not the best solution, but it helps me sleep through the rest of that particular night without having to push her back to the middle.

I also work full-time and pump. I started supplementing with formula when my baby was around 6 months old and had to just let that be. At first it feels like you're betraying your child or something, not being able to provide all their sustenance, but as they grow they need more nutrients and when we work, we can't always take the time out to pump (although, by law, your employer does have to provide for you a place to do so and the time, so hopefully yours is allowing for these things), and sometimes it is just too stressful for our bodies to produce everything our little one needs! I had to tell myself that it is okay if she drinks part breastmilk and part formula. It is okay and she is going to be okay, and will never know the difference, and even having some of your breastmilk on a daily basis will still give her those good antibodies and keep you in bonding mode. :) Breathe, relax, and do what you have to do.

My baby used to sleep well, also, and then those darned teeth started coming. She decided to go for 8 teeth in two months, and seems to be working on her molars, now. I am exhausted and it's admittedly quite frustrating to have to get up 2 or 3 times a night with a 10-month-old!! She's old enough now that we're trying to get her to go to sleep on her own, which provides it's own frustrations. But we just keep on keepin' on. A calming bedtime routine has helped. For both of our kids. We have a routine for our toddler, too, and have finally gotten her used to lying down to sleep in her bed, and staying there (barring any outside forces waking her up). We sit in her room a few minutes while she falls asleep and once she's out we quietly leave. It was a process, starting with us sitting right by her bed (for a long time she wanted us sleeping on her floor! We had to nip that in the bud...), and gradually moving closer and closer to the door.

Most days it feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water, because as soon as we get home from work I have to get our dinner on the table (thankfully my husband helps out once he gets home! If you have a partner at home who can pitch in, impress upon them how badly you need the help (if they aren't already doing so). Our entire evening is spent doing dinner (my 10-month-old takes like an hour to feed due to a strong gag reflex and my desire to introduce her to new solids she can pick up, plus get actual substantial amounts of food in her belly to fill her up before bedtime!), baths, and bedtime routines. Once everyone is in bed I'm usually exhausted and either asleep on their bedroom floor, asleep in front of the TV, or asleep holding the baby in the rocking chair if she's extra-fussy and I don't want her waking big sister up.

My day usually starts before 5am, because I am pumping and then trying desperately to get back to the gym on a regular basis. I never prioritized that before, but somehow, even losing a tiny bit of sleep over it, it's helping me. I enjoy going (we have one in our building, thankfully, and no one is ever there that early!), and the solitude is calming. If you don't have a gym, try going for a walk before the day starts, or even on your lunch break. A little exercise and time to yourself can be huge.

I'm not in therapy, but have seriously considered it - I mostly haven't found the time! However, I occasionally will meet with my pastor for some counseling, and that is helpful. Having a church family really helps ground me in reality, and my relationship with God is truly what keeps me encouraged and gives me strength to live each day and take things as they come. I'm encouraged daily knowing that God loves me, provides for me and my family, has a plan for us, and won't give me anymore than I can handle! He strengthens me through the tough stuff.

Church also provides a Mom-network that is invaluable! I hardly ever see these ladies, but we are Facebook friends, and even just being able to vent there is so helpful!!! We also trade advice, joys, cute pictures of our kids, and questions, and I can't imagine being a mom without such a network. If you don't have a network of moms you can commiserate with, I recommend finding/building one. You can start with me, if you want!

I understand the aggression factor, too. Lack of sleep takes us there quickly! My pediatrician once recommended getting a doula (helper) for even just one night. She said getting 8 straight hours of sleep can do wonders. Something to consider. Prayer helps me, but I'm definitely not perfect and every day I find myself trying valiantly not to say those colorful words in my mind out loud.

I hope you find a place to get a bit of Mom-by-herself time. Just remember that this is only a season, and in about 6 months or so it will be better! That seems like forever when you're on the front end of it, but it goes by so fast! Don't forget to cherish the moments in the middle of the night that you get to cuddle with your children.

I'll be praying for you!
B.

Oh, by the way, I hired someone to come in about twice a month to clean for me. HELLO! Why didn't I do this before??? It is SOOO helpful. I have NO time to vacuum, which is so important with a little teething crawler! And now I have more time on the weekends to relax and love on my family, rather than worry about getting the bathroom cleaned!

I agree with several responses. Ask for help--from your husband, friends or other family members. If you are already pumping, have your husband help with night time feedings. Stop allowing the 3 yo to come to bed, and I would suggest you make your husband the heavy on that one. Yes, your child may be feeling neglected, but stop it now or you will have a monster on your hands controlling much more than your bed. There are several behaviorists who have videos, etc. on how to ween your child from your bed--choose one and stick with it. If your 3 yo is afraid of the dark or whatever, put in a night light. They work wonders.

Lastly, if you're handling the morning routine, let the dude handle it at night. That's the way it works at our house. I've had to let go of some control. On the days I'm super tired or stressed, our son stays up late until daddy gets home (sometimes he works late and doesn't get home until after 8pm), and our son doesn't take a bath--sometimes he even gets put into bed in his clothes. I feel guilty, but I just can't do it all (and we only have one child). I just get up a little earlier in the morning and bathe him before school. I've had to let it go, because I know I can't be everything to everyone (BTW I'm a teacher and have 18 other children who are very needy).

I don't go to therapy, but I do make sure to have some me time at the nail salon or for a massage. My therapy is with my husband, my friends and basically anyone who will listen. LOL.

Be kind to yourself and understand we all take out aggression on those we love, because we know they won't reject us, but make sure you are communicating with your husband, so he understands it's overload and that you love him, and you need him and his help. Most guys understand when you are direct and will step up and help.

Hi Heather,

I completely understand your position. A few questions though--- what is your husband doing to help out? How is he contributing? Have you or could you write out a chore chart for everyone in the family and delegate a bunch of things to your husband? It sounds like he needs to pitch in a be a better partner to you! If you can, let the house go and everything else---in order for you to get Me time. You have to take care of you really well in order to be any help to your family---Make you a priority every day on your list--no matter what. Things will start looking up after that.

M

You do need some sleep. For the baby, she's old enough for cry it out. She may cry for upwards of 15 to 30 minutes the first night but she will eventually go back to sleep and sleep through the night after that. It's short-term pain for long-term gain. For the older one. Don't give in. keep putting him back to bed and eventually he'll learn that he has to sleep in his own bed. He will probably take longer to train than the baby.

I know this might not be what you want to hear but it might be helpful to try and let go a bit. Switching the 6 month to some formula would save you time with pumping during the day and allow your husband to take a feeding at night. You are exhausted. Put your 3 year old's matress in your room. Tell him he can sleep there but not in your bed. He is probably feeling neglected and looking for more time with you. It's also the time the start being afraid of the dark. He will grow out of this again and in the meantime you will get the rest you need. Between being tired and hormonal from still breastfeeding you can't think calmly. Try it over a weekend to see if it does not help. Good luck I hope it gets better.

Breast feeding is great for the baby, but very stressful and hard on the mother at times. Especially when there is already a lack of sleep, full time work, pumping and stress. I wouldn't recommend stopping (I pumped until she was 15 months old), but I understand that feeling that SOMETHING has got to give and soon.

You need some time to yourself. I understand that this is easier said than done with some instances (mine always was) but it's necessary. You need to have some down time too, away from the kids, every night (if possible).

I would suggest that you have someone that you could vent to, even if it's via email or texting. So that maybe it gets out. We understand how you feel. You are not alone. Always remember that. You are not the worst Mom ever and this will eventually pass. When? I unfortunately do not know. I think you would feel better if you could get more sleep though. I like the greasing the handle idea. Unless your three year old wakes up at night to go potty, then he wouldn't be able to get out.

Hopefully this will pass soon. Message me if you want someone to chat with.

If your son keeps crawling into your bed, maybe tag team the kids. You nurse the baby (it is very common for babies to nurse in the night, especially during growth spurts and I suspect it's because 6 mo is a big time for teeth and development and growing- temporary) and Daddy puts Junior back to bed as many times as required. I used to have to sit in the doorway for a few minutes for my whack-a-mole kid. Just keep putting him back and back and back. After a few days, it should get easier. Start during a long weekend or another time when you can spare more of your night. If you don't have a routine (like bath, book, bed) develop one.

Also, consider taking a cat nap (short nap only) in the evenings. Let your DH take the kids while you lay down for 20 minutes. Don't sleep all night or you'll be more sluggish later, but that might help recharge you.

Maybe your DH does more than you mention here, but if he does not, ask him for more help.

Edit to add: Nursing can help release endorphins, so when you nurse your child, try to breathe and feel the endorphins. It may help.

Is there any way your husband can give the kids a bath? That would be one less thing on your "plate". When our kiddo would sleep in our bed deal... we would let him fall asleep in our bed and then move him to his room after he was asleep. Or we also put a toddler bed near our bed and would let him sleep on that. That way he was by us but I was able to sleep with out getting kicked.

I know its not a 'fix all' but its steps in the right direction with out all the drama until your able to take on the bigger steps. Good luck and I hope it gets better for you! Try to take a mini vacation.. I know a weekend away by myself usually helped me with some stress and I would come back in a better mood.

Lots of great responses. Just wanted to add that if there is ANY chance to take a power nap, that will help big time. I use to always snap at the everyone too. I was sooooo tired. I found a way to take a little power nap. Anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes, even in the car. I had to train myself to fall asleep during the day, but I got there and it made a world of difference. It really helped to finish off the second part of my day. good luck and be blessed, this too shall pass.