In-Laws - Northville,MI

Georiga,

I'm so sorry. That sounds very difficult to deal with! One thing I would like to suggest, is to stand up for yourself. If you want to hold your daughter, say so. If you feel you are not being treated fairly, say so. You don't have to be nasty about it, nor should you. Just because your MIL is nasty doesn't mean that you need to be. You only have control over your behavior. I can understand why you might want to boycott family events, but that might not be in your best interest. It sounds like your MIL has some control issues, and she's trying to control your family (you, your husband and daughter). If you don't attend events, no matter how uncomfortable they might be, she might feel that she has control over you - in other words she wins.

As far as your husband is concerned. He thinks her behavior is normal. Remember she raised him, so her behavior is not shocking to him. (It's shocking to the rest of us.) And in my many discussions with friends, most husbands do anything to make their mothers happy. This does not mean they don't love you or love you less than their mothers, even though it might feel like it. This doesn't mean he shouldn't be more supportive. Perhaps you can help him to support you by giving him some sceniros for when you would find it supportive in his family situations. Even if he were to take his mom aside, preferrably not at a family event, to let her know that you are his family now and that she needs to respect that and honor that by treating you the same as she would treat him.

Best of luck to you!!! I hope things get better real soon.
A.

I realy didn't know that so many women have mil's like mine, I am so sorry to hear how much this hurts you. My in-laws live 20 minutes away and never see my kids maybe twise a year if were lucky and only if I take them over there. My husband does not stand up for me at all, he never has and won't stand up to his family either. He sat next to me on the couch one day and listened to his brothers live in thing tell me how worthless I was and called me every name in the book and said nothing. So I know where your coming from I used to apease them do nice things for them in hopes they would acnowledge my kids and nothing worked.

So now I don't call them and the only time they call here is when he's home, they like me and say they love me but it is my kids that get hurt every time. My son is 4 and the last grandson for them and my baby girl is the last grand baby my son asks when grandpas going to take him fishing. Grandpa says he will and never does and forget about babysitting they refuse, they wont watch the baby cause shes in diapers and they are surprised when my son won't spend the night on the rare occasion they ask.

The thing I do is avoid all family functions I can, we do the holiday thing only christmas cause the others dont exist to them. The sad thing is my dad is deceased and he is the only grandpa they have I also have two daughters that are 12 and 7. Now they will take my oldest any day she's old enought to help gather wood or work with the dogs, but they won't deal with the other three. His brother lives behind them and his two boys are 13 and 14 they spend every day with them and they get kicked out of school and off the bus daily. My kids are a-b students in sports and never get into trouble, so I don't understand how my kids get left out.

You are doing everything you can to apease his family but if he can't realize what is going on I would send him to family functions alone. Tell him and them if you want him here we come too we are a family and a package deal take it or leave it. Do not expose your daughter to bad behavior from either side let her grow up loving who she chooses and keep doing what your doing. Bottem line and believe me I have told mine this too my kids come first and if I'm not appreciated then my kids arent either. If they make you an outcast and your husband does nothing then maybe the marriage isnt meant to be maybe a seperation would be enough to wake him up but talk to him and let him know that you do not have to put up with them you can leave if you choose. If me in-laws dissrespected me in my home I would have showed them the door, and next time not invite them next time. Good luck I feel for you I do I know what your going through, my husband finaly realized what they were doing and even though he doesn't say anything to them he doesn't baby them either. When we had our last two kids and he realized they were treating them bad he quit going over there and they call and say why don't you call he tells his mom never his dad, that he is upset that they dont see our kids. There is always an excuse they work alot or thier tired he doesn't listen anymore and I'm proud of him for that. Only you can stand up for you and you daughter and you have done a good job of that keep up the good work.

My MIL didn't like me After me and my husband had been married for 6 years I just got tired of the whole thing. I dreaded holidays and birthday parties for my kids so I finally one day I just had it out with her and we have been fine ever since. I found out the root of the whole problem was something to do with our wedding planning We talked everything out and everything has been fine since than. We laugh about it now. So I would find out what the root of the problem is for your marriage and your child. It would be a shame for your daguther not to know her grandparents because of something stupid Life is too short! Your husband also needs to be on your side so next time point it out as it is happening

Georgia,
I would have to say don't boycott the family events. I too have a MIL that is hard to deal with, I feel like I am walking on egg shells around her. I am affraid to say or do anything that doesn't "hurt her feelings." But be we have to be "the bigger man" so to speak. Just ignore their childish behaviors and have a good time for the sake of your daughter and her father. You don't want to have this come between you and him. So I am suggesting just grin and bare it. Then when you get home you can vent to the rest of us on the message board. Oh by the way, I am in Davisburg too and I am looking for a daycare for my 10 mnth old daughter, Can you give me any good suggestions?
L.

Georgia,

You definately need to open your husbands eyes up. How can he not see how these actions affect you and will eventually start hurting your daughter?? Maybe write him a letter, explaining exactly how you feel and give examples like you did here. If he cannot come to the realization that you, your daughter and him are now a family unit that comes first, then you will have some serious issues down the road. As a father, he cannot continue to put his mothers views first in his life anymore.

This type of scenerio might not be affecting your daughter now, but I can guarantee that if things are not changed, she will become aware that things are not right. And she will start asking questions and getting hurt feelings as well. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I think you need to bring that up to him. Maybe it will open his eyes a bit.

Good luck!

Jenn

Hi Georgia,
Your husband needs to start supporting you. My mil had some issues, nothing major, luckily my husband supported me in every way. Your husband has to realize that his immediate family is you and your daughter. I love my whole entire family but my first priority is my husband and sons. It may sound petty but I would start doing what you have already started doing until your husband does something on your behalf. Hopefully your husband will come around soon. Good luck.
Chris

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree that your husband needs to stand up for you. He has an obligation now to you and your daughter. Their his parents so he needs to deal with them in the appropriate manner. Secondly, you need to set some clear cut boundaries for your mil. She probably won't like them, but oh well. I remember seeing an episode on Dr. Phil about these same issues, and he said the same thing about setting boundaries, and that it is a privelage for grandparents to be a part of the grandchildren's lives, and if they don't want to follow the boundaries that are set, then they will be left out of family functions, etc. Not that that's what you want, but you need to set boundaries. You can start with simple boundaries and if that doesn't work, then get a little more stricter, they'll soon get the hint. The big part is that your husband needs to definately stand behind you on the boundary setting and stick with it. I also know 1st hand about this because I am going through similar situations with my family right now, and getting professional help for it. My doctor has said the same thing on setting boundaries. My parents like to just stop over on a whim without calling first, and I came out and told them nicely, to please call first before you come over. My mom also likes to give her two cents about everything, and I have had to tell her to please not give advice unless asked-she didn't like it and ignored me for 3 days, but you know what-she got over it!

Good luck to you!

Georgia,

I can absolutely sympathize with you. Luckily for me my husband is supportive. YOu really need to make your husband understand what she is doing and how it makes you feel and affects your family. YOu and your daughter are his family now and must come first. My MIL uninvited me to x-mas one year. I told my husband to go (I didn't want to be the reason he didn't go) he told him mother we were a family and were spending x-mas together w/o her. We didn't see her for almost a year after that. Finally when I got pregnant he sat her down and told her any more comments/actions etc and she would never see her grandson again. She had alreadly had her three strikes. Things have gotten better since, but we have very strict guidelines with her and a short leash.

Your husband needs to be the one to lay down the law so to speak, it will never work if you do (you will always be the one to blame if he doesn't say it).

Good luck.

dear georgia
let me first start by saying how sorry i am for what you are fealing.i agree with the rest of the advice you need to open your husband eyes to what you are fealing.has your husband ever reed the letter his mother wrote yours?or have you tryed showing him the picture of your daughter party and the family picture and try asking him where his family is?i think it about time he stops being a moma boy and put you first and stands up to his mother and let her know you are his wife and his family that you are not going anywhere and she can either treat you like family or he will break all ties with her and who ever eles can treat you wright well i hope this helps best of luck